I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  “Well?”

  His question interrupted her thoughts. “What?”

  “You have to tell me a secret?”

  She wasn’t telling him this one anytime soon. “I’m all out.”

  “No one is ever out of secrets.”

  “I was a virgin until I was twenty-three.” That wasn’t a secret, but hey it sounded good.

  “No way. A hot woman like you. What is wrong with Southern boys?”

  “Southern daddy’s own guns.”

  “It wouldn’t have stopped me.”

  “Not much does. In high school I was too busy with cross county and keeping my grades up, because I needed a scholarship to get into college. Addy and Pete had a houseful to feed and didn’t have the cash for a major university. Boys were a distraction I couldn’t afford and my dad may be a sweetheart of a guy, but he looks like he would rip your arms out and beat you with them if you look at him wrong.”

  “You ran cross county?”

  “Top five in the nation. I had to pad my resume.”

  He laughed. “I have no problem picturing you as a type A ten year old.”

  He knew her so well. “Type A was on an off day.”

  “You were in college with a whole lot of men and no one caught your fancy?”

  “They were the competition. As a women you have to be careful when you’re outnumbered like that.”

  “What about when you were stuck in the field with all those guys?”

  “I had to prove that I could handle the job and Mick was instrumental in setting the tone of how I would be treated. He said no trouble would be happening and he was the big bad alpha dog in that pack. No trouble happened, besides, those guys were all solid people. We were there to do a job and get home in one piece. Mick made them train me so that I was a seamless fit. Once I showed them I could handle my business, they treated me like I was one of the boys. Then you and your wonder dick went and ruined it all. I hope you’re happy.”

  He grinned. “I’m fucking you on the daily. I’m ecstatic.”

  Jane sneered. “Not today.”

  “Sometimes my cock needs a night off.”

  She laughed. The cheeky bastard made her laugh. Damn she was stupid. How was she ever going to stop loving him? “So you think of us as lovers?”

  “I do.”

  “And we’re friends?”

  “Good friends and getting better all the time.”

  “Can we please be friends with benefits right now?”

  He kissed her forehead. “Go to sleep and after you run tomorrow, I’ll fuck you in the shower and wash your hair. You know how you like that.”

  “Asshole.”

  “I am at times, but this isn’t one of those times.”

  “Good night Declan.”

  “Good night Layla.”

  Jane snuggled closer to him. Dear God she loved sleeping with him. The way he handled her made her okay with being vulnerable. What was she going to do? She hadn’t been in love with a man since Lee, nine years ago. He was the man she trusted her virtue to. That big poster boy Marine ended up getting blown to shit outside of Kandahar two years into their relationship. She’d pretty much just been in hit it and quit it mode since. Then Declan Shaw had to roll into her life with his larger than life self, knock her up and be all sweet about it. And make her fall in love. She remembered something Addy told her. Save her love for a man who was her friend that she had the best sex. Why did it have to be Declan Shaw?

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  MALCOLM LEANED BACK on the limo seat forcing himself to relax, but he was ready to crawl out of his skin. If his mother hadn’t insisted that he join the Peterson family jamboree he would have stayed home with a bottle of scotch. When Cherry asked you nicely to do something you did it or else. The car stopped and everyone got out. “You ready?”

  Fox rubbed his AA chip between his thumb and forefinger. He nodded. “You ready?”

  No but he was going to fake his way through this. “I’m good.”

  “Nervous?”

  “Should I be?”

  “I am.”

  Malcolm wasn’t sure how to talk to this new exposed honest man. It was uncomfortable and he didn’t know how to act around his father. In the last week they’d spent more time together than they had in the last twelve years. Awkward.

  “You’ll be fine.”

  “What if they …”

  “I’m sure Jane took care of everything.” Malcolm slid over and put his hand on the arm rest. “Let’s get this over with.” Malcolm got out of the car and noticed everyone was waiting for Fox to get out. Five seconds passed and he got out, pulled down his jacket and smiled. Fox Elliot was in the house. You could already hear the loud music playing. He glanced up at the porch and he saw Jane standing there. He almost didn’t recognize her. Her hair was down and in fat curls and she was in tight jeans and a cropped top that showed off her toned still flat stomach. She lifted her hand and he noticed Fox flashed her a smile. Anger curled in his stomach and he admonished himself. Somehow he had to get past the fury inside him. He didn’t like it and wasn’t sure how to deal with it. He glanced at Declan and this glazed over expression appeared on his face. Malcolm stopped. Declan seemed ready to step on his own tongue he was so happy to see her.

  Jane stepped off the porch. “Welcome to the Peterson’s.” She put her hands on her hips. “A word of caution. Most of the people here are cops. There are guns and there is alcohol. You have been warned. Have fun.” She grabbed Fox’s hand. “We’re going to get intros done with so we can all relax.”

  Malcolm saw Jane’s father standing on the front porch.

  “Marcel Peterson, Fox Elliot.”

  There was this hush and everyone was waiting to see how this went off. Malcolm watched in slow motion as the huge black man took his father in his arms. “Thank you for my baby girl.”

  Fox stood there for a second. Then he put his arms around Pete. “Thank you for keeping her safe.”

  Jane turned to Malcolm and rolled her eyes. “Daddy, you are going to crush him.”

  This was going to be an evening.

  An hour later Malcolm stood in the shadows nursing a beer. The eighty’s cover band belted out Soul to Soul’s Back to Life and Jane and Declan were on the floor dancing together. They moved well together, like they belonged to each other. Gavin was doing some jerky spastic dance with Jane’s younger sister Kendra who was this stunning looker with her creamy caramel skin and her hair in blue and red bantu knots. Pete was dancing with his mother. Paige was dancing with Jane’s younger brother Andre who flew in from school for the weekend. For a tall gawky kid he moved gracefully.

  “Why are you standing in the corner?”

  He turned to find Addy, Jane’s mother standing next to him. “I’m not much of a dancer.”

  “I couldn’t tell Sid Vicious.”

  He smiled. Jane had a nice family. “I just have the look, not the crazy.”

  “I’m hoping.” She smiled. “Is Gavin having a seizure?”

  Malcolm snorted. “That’s Gavin being Gavin.”

  She took a sip of her beer. “He does know Kendra is only seventeen?”

  “Gavin flirts with grandmothers and toddlers too.”

  “He’s a cutie.”

  “That he is.”

  Addy pointed her beer bottle at Declan and squished up her face. “Is tall drink of white boy having a thing for my daughter?”

  He was going to savor that nick name and whip it out at some inappropriate time in the future. He wasn’t surprised Jane hadn’t said anything to her family about Declan. She must play it close to the vest with everyone. “To answer would be breaking the bro code.”

  “That’s the answer I was looking for.”

  Malcolm snickered. It was nice to get something over somebody. “Thank you.”

  “How are you doing in all this madness?”

  Bewildered, it took a couple of seconds to speak. “I don’t mean to be rude, but why do you ca
re?”

  “Sid, whether you want to be or not, you’re now family. I have to care. Jane wants to be a part of your life, besides I like you.”

  Addy wanted to have a relationship with him. “Family? Really?”

  “I know she seems like a real hardass, but she’s all about family. As you can tell, I like big families. Including you and yours won’t be a problem.”

  That was one of the nicest gestures anyone had ever made to him but he still wasn’t sure what to do about it. Before he could answer Duran Duran’s Hungry Like the Wolf started playing and she took the beer out of his hand and set it on a table.

  “Dance.”

  Funny it didn’t feel like a request. “I don’t dance.”

  “Everybody dances at my party.” She took him out on the floor and he sort of moved his feet to the beat. After of couple of dances Malcolm was able to find a nice quiet table in the background. Malcolm watched Declan grab a couple of beers and head over to the table where he was sitting.

  Declan handed him a beer. “You okay?”

  Malcolm took the bottle and twisted the top. “I have no idea. I just gained another family.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Jane’s family has welcomed me into the fold.”

  “Is that a bad thing? She wants to be your sister.” Declan took a sip.

  Malcolm thought about it for a moment and blew out a long breath. He saw Jane and Addy talking by the buffet table. They were a great family, the kind anyone would be happy to have. They seemed to love and respect each other. “I don’t blame her. I wish she would have been honest from the get go, but I get it.”

  “Are we cool?”

  He could never stay mad at Declan. “You’d have to sleep with my other sister, my mother, Grandma Elsa, and yet to be named future wife before I dump you.”

  “You know I’ve been thinking about putting the moves on Grandma Elsa since I was ten. Thanks for your blessing.” He raised his bottle and Malcolm clinked his against Declan’s bottle. “What about Fox?”

  Malcolm shrugged. “I'm going to have to work on that.”

  “Stop being so rational and just beat the fuck out of him and move on.”

  “Spoken by the man who put his father in the E.R. with a broken arm and two busted ribs.”

  “I felt better and I picked up the tab. I’m a good son.”

  “You spit on his grave.”

  Declan grinned. Apparently feeling no remorse. “But not in his face.”

  Malcolm shook his head and he saw Addy handing a beer to Jane. Jane shook her head and Addy stared at her for a second then Jane leaned over and whispered in Addy’s ear. Addy stepped back and hugged her and Malcolm saw a tear slip down Addy’s cheek. Jane just dropped the baby bomb. He was going to be an uncle. “My friend you are going to be a father.”

  “What?” Declan turned his head.

  Addy was holding Jane’s face in her hands and kissing her.

  Declan smiled. “I’m gonna be a dad.”

  The way Declan said it, it wasn’t a surprise. Malcolm could hear his joy. It surprised him that he was happy for Declan. “Congratulations man.”

  “What do I do next?”

  He didn’t have a clue. “Do I know?”

  “You always do.”

  Not about shit like this. “I’m as lost as you.”

  “Should I go over there?”

  “I have no experience in this situation.” As soon as the words left his mouth he saw Jane and Addy turn to look at Declan. Then Addy waved Pete over and the group huddled for a second.

  “This doesn’t look good. I better go over there.” Declan stood.

  Malcolm was of proud of Declan. He was manning up. He watched him square his shoulders and walk over to the group. Pete turned, his eyes lasered in on Declan. Shit was hitting the fan. Declan stopped for second then took another step toward them. Pete met him halfway. He stopped in front of Declan. From the body language this was not going to be a happy meeting. Declan was gonna die tonight. Malcolm stood. He couldn’t let that happen.

  * * *

  DECLAN SWALLOWED the lump in his throat as he watched Jane’s dad stomp toward him. He stood a little taller, he’d faced worse. Right?

  Pete stopped right in front of him and glared at him. “Boy, we need to talk.”

  “Sure.”

  Pete brushed past him and Declan followed him into the house and down a hallway. He did notice that Malcolm was behind him. Good there would be a witness to his death. Pete opened a door and Declan followed. He recognized a man cave when he saw one.

  “Close the door.”

  Malcolm did.

  Oh shit, don’t let him scream like a little girl.

  Pete pointed to a chair and Declan sat. “Sir, I--”

  “What do you intend to about my daughter?”

  Declan sat. “We haven’t decided.”

  “Do you think my girl is some man’s baby mama? I don’t give a shit who you are! That’s my daughter we are talking about.”

  Malcolm raised his hand. “Sir, I--”

  “No, he needs to be a man.” Pete turned to Declan. “What do you want to do about this?”

  “I want Jane.” Those words leapt out of his mouth without him even thinking about them. He could admit to himself that he wanted this, he wanted her. It felt good to get it out. He was in love with her.

  Pets nodded his head. “Okay then young man.”

  Before he could respond the door burst open and Addy walked in followed by Jane and Fox.

  “Woman, don’t you knock?”

  “It’s my house I don’t have to.”

  “We are trying to conduct man business in here.”

  “Marcel Peterson have you lost your damn mind?”

  Declan wasn’t sure, but he thought he might have seen a glint of fear in Pete. Good.

  “Jane is going to have a baby, things have to get settled. Now.”

  Jane's mouth dropped open.

  Addy shook her finger. “She is a grown woman. She can run her own life.”

  Pete pointed at Jane. “This is my grandbaby we are talking about.”

  Declan thought if shit was going to go down, his money was on Addy.

  “Was I alone in raising our daughter to be independent and capable of making up her own mind?”

  Pete stood a little taller. “We men are talking.”

  Addy did not appear to be impressed. “You want to pretend that anything you say matters, go ahead talk until your head falls off, ultimately Jane will do what she’s going to do. She always does, but if you lay one hand on the white boy or Sid, I will punch you in the neck.” With that she turned around and grabbed Jane by the wrist and yanked her out of the room.

  The door slammed behind her and for a second there was silence in the room. Declan saw Fox standing in the corner with this confused look on his face. “The white boy?”

  Pete giggled. “Son, you have a nick name. That means you’re in as far as she is concerned.”

  Was that a good thing? “Do I want to be in?”

  Pete nodded. “If you want anything to do with your child, because Addy really runs the show around here. She kindly let’s me play the king. Now that I have given the appearance of doing something I can relax and sit back and enjoy the madness.” He took out four cigars from a humidor. “But If you fuck this up she will hurt you and as her husband I will be obligated to help her get away with it.” He gave each of them a cigar. “Sid open a window, Addy doesn’t need to know I smoke in the house.”

  “Sid?” Fox asked.

  Malcolm held up his hands. “She said I look like Sid Vicious.”

  Declan didn’t think that was a compliment. “Just look right?”

  “Yeah. I’m flattered.”

  Fox held up his cigar. “Are these Cuban cigars?”

  Pete grinned. “Cordova and Sons.”

  “This is like gold.” Declan rolled the cigar between his fingers. He’d always wanted to try one but he�
��d heard they were impossible to get in the States.

  “I know.” Pete snipped the tip of his cigar and passed the cigar guillotine to him.

  Declan trimmed his cigar. “Aren’t they illegal?”

  Pete ran the cigar under his nose. “These cigars were liberated from an oppressive fascist regime.”

  “Can I ask you how you got them?” Fox asked.

  “Jane rescued them. She’s a patriot.” Pete's face shone with pride.

  Did Declan really want to know? Yeah he did. “What was she doing in Cuba?”

  “She told me God’s work. That’s the best answer you’re going to get.”

  Declan figured.

  After everyone was lit, Pete asked. “Gentleman what are we going to do?”

  “You know Jane best of all.” Declan said then took a puff of his cigar, letting the fruity smoky flavor roll around in his mouth.

  “True. She likes you.”

  Jane liked sleeping with him, but the rest he wasn’t always sure of.

  “How can you tell? Because half the time she looks at me like she wants to punch me in the neck.”

  “Because yesterday, I got a phone call from her telling me if I gave you a hard time I would regret it.”

  “Did you believe her?” Malcolm asked.

  Pete shook his head. “She’s her mother’s daughter.”

  Declan pulled out his phone and shot a quick text to his lawyer and then to a real estate agent. Okay now everything was an official go. “Well it’s done.”

  “What?”

  “My lawyer is going to be on a plane Monday and I’m going to make an offer on a house.”

  “Where?”

  “Audubon Place. That’s a nice area right?”

  Pete blew out a long stream of smoke. “You’re serious.”

  “They have a good school district.” Shit like that mattered now.

  “Have you discussed this with her?” Fox asked.

  “In L.A., real estate said I’m committed. I want her to know I’m serious.”

  “How serious?” Pete asked.

  “Do you love her?” Malcolm asked.

  How the hell did he know what love was. Like he’d had a stellar example. “I don’t know what love is supposed to be like.”

  Pete leaned over in the chair next to him. “What do you think about when you think about her.”