I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

Jane shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not, but unlike you I don’t need his money.”

  Brody hit his chest with his palm. “He owes me. He left me with that bastard and went on with his life. He left me with the beatings, the pervs, and the humiliation. We’ll never be even.”

  She wondered if he was making an excuse or if he’d tricked himself into believing his tale of woe. “Didn’t you choose to stay with your dad? Jay and Cherry wanted you too, but according to the police records you denied everything saying Declan was lying. Did you think with Declan out of the way, you could have his career? Did you think your father’s magic got him all his roles and not his hard work?”

  “I worked as hard as him. He just got all the breaks.”

  She’d seen Brody’s crappy film. He couldn’t act his way out of wet paper bag. “Or maybe he had all the talent.”

  “You can’t prove anything!”

  She was enjoying this. “So there is something to prove?”

  “He’ll never believe you over me.”

  “Tell me how it went down. Maybe we can share.”

  He started pacing. “Fucking Priscilla. She saw me at a club and thought I was Declan. I just wound her up, got her here and let her go. I promised if she got rid of him I’d be hers. She thought I was the real Declan.”

  She’d already known all of this, she just had to get his version on tape. “That’s what I figured.”

  “Like you have any proof.”

  He was a way better criminal than he was an actor.

  “Actually, you did a fairly good job about covering up your loose ends, but then I have a Paige.”

  “From a book?”

  Paige had a marathon session after Jane told her she’d gotten a bad vibe off of Brody when he showed up at the house practically in tears. “She’s a hacker friend of mine. She found all of your secrets. The burner phones, the passenger lists you weren’t on. Declan’s credit card that he had under his alias you used and the ATM machine you used to get cash at. You buying the burner phone. Paige tracked you through the city using her facial recognition software. I’ll bet that bulge in your pants is the gun used to blow some holes in the house.”

  He pulled his gun out of his pants and aimed it at her.

  Jane lifted her gun and trained it on him. “Really?”

  “I’ll blow you to hell bitch.”

  Good intentions, she thought didn’t do shit for him.

  “Have you ever killed anyone?”

  His hand was shaking. “I’ll kill you.”

  Jane shook her head. “That will really piss Charlotte off. She’s nice, but I think she’ll beat the fuck out of you if you put another bullet hole in her house.”

  He swiped his sweaty forehead. “Shut up.”

  “Before I do you should consider your options.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Oh save her from rank amateurs. “What’s your escape plan? How are you going to get me out of here or are you going to leave my body? If not, where do you to plan to get rid of me? These are not questions you can answer on the fly unless you know you’re a professional. On that note you are shaking like a leaf. You’re sweating, I’ll bet your heart is racing. That’s a big gun, and you are holding it with one hand. Glocks are great, but the recoil is a bitch. You could knock yourself out. You might get a shot off, you may even hit something, but it’s not going to be me. Look at me. Steady as rock. I’ve dropped more bodies than we have fingers and toes. I will hit you. The only question is if you will live or die.

  I haven’t decided yet.”

  His gun lowered an inch.

  “Who the fuck are you?”

  She stood up. “I’m Captain Jane Peterson. U.S. Army retired. I’m the mother of Declan Shaw’s child. His future wife. I’m his body guard who shoots at marksmen level. FYI.”

  Stunned Brody stood there.

  Jane walked over and took the gun out of his hand.

  “You didn’t release the safety.” She sighed. “Did you get all of that guys?”

  Detective Swan came through one of the secret passages they set the cops up in. “Yeah that was good.”

  “My pleasure.”

  He watched as one of the uniformed officers that was waiting in the secret passage way with him handcuffed Brody. “You sure you don’t want to work for your dad?” “I’m good.” Her smile faded when she saw the look on Declan’s face.

  * * *

  DECLAN DIDN’T EVEN bother with a glass as he took a sip of bourbon. Where the fuck was Jane, he had to talk to her and find out what the fuck just went down. He lifted the bottle to his mouth and took a sip. He wanted to get shitfaced and when he woke up from the hangover it would be all be over all he could get back to … Hell if he knew what he was going to do after this.

  There was a knock at the door and then Malcolm stuck his head in. “May I come in?”

  Declan raised the bottle. “Come get drunk with me.”

  Malcolm walked in the room and sat down on the bed.

  “You alright?”

  “My brother wanted to kill me. What can I make alright about that?”

  “He didn’t succeed.”

  “I’ll give you that.” He shoved the bottle at him.

  “Drink?”

  Malcolm didn’t take the bottle. “I’m good.”

  “How the fuck am I going to process this?”

  “I have no idea.”

  He didn’t know how to feel about what Jane just did. She saved his life but threw his brother to the wolves. They could have settled this another way. He didn’t know what could have been done. He just wished he'd been kept in the loop. “Have you seen Jane?”

  “She’s talking to the cops and then her brother the D.A.”

  “Brody fucking wanted me dead.”

  “I know.”

  Declan set the bottle on the night table and dropped his face in his hands. “Should I cry or be mad?”

  “I’m cool with either.”

  Declan laughed. Malcolm would never try to kill him.

  “I can’t imagine what you are feeling, but I’m here for you.”

  “At least you are.”

  Before Malcolm could answer the door opened and Jane came in. “We have to talk.”

  Declan glared at her. “Sure what the hell.”

  Malcolm stood. “I’ll leave you two alone.” He walked to door and as he walked past Jane he touched her shoulder and she smiled at him.

  Those two seemed to have settled their issues. Good for them. “Well?”

  Jane stopped and put her hands on her hips and pursed her lips at him. “Are you going to give me shit?”

  She was daring him to get in her face. “Depends on what you have to say.”

  She sat on the bed. “Do you want to know why he did it or how we found out?”

  The why was easy he wanted his money. “How?”

  “When Priscilla’s meds kicked in she told us everything. Brody convinced her he was you and that you were trying to take his place in the band. She loved you so much she wanted to save you. Because she has so many mental issues we needed hard evidence which her lawyer was able to give us, if the D.A. cuts her a deal.”

  He couldn’t believe this shit. “Is she going to do time?”

  Jane nodded. “Ten years in a state mental facility.”

  That was wrong. “Ten years in the loony bin? She could have killed Gavin. She could have killed you and the baby? Are you okay with that? Is Gavin?”

  “My brother didn’t offer her this deal until he talked to Gavin.”

  “What about Brody?”

  “That’s going to be different.” She put her hand on his thigh. “He’s the brains behind this and it was pre-meditated. He's looking at hard time.”

  Declan couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t have his brother in prison. He needed to call his lawyer. “He’s my brother. I love him. It’s all my fault. I should have fought harder for him. My fucking dad--”

  She put her
hand on his. “David will work with you. We can get him into a minimum security place anywhere you want. You can go see him. He can get help.”

  They were willing to work with him. “They’d do that?”

  “If he confesses it will save the state the cost of a trial. And it would be a media circus. You don’t need this kind of press. It’s already crazy.”

  This was blowing up on the news outlets. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You needed to be as natural as possible.”

  He raised a hand. “Yo actor.”

  “He’s your brother, you would have protected him. What if I was wrong? I thought he was hinky from the get go, but I’ve been wrong before. I couldn’t take that chance.”

  Even now he wanted to protect Brody. They could work this out. He loved him. “How did you know?”

  “I negotiated with some bad people in my day. If I felt like they were stringing me along, they usually were. Until all the evidence was in, all we had was my gut and the confession of a crazy girl. I didn’t want to chance being wrong and you hating me. I was scared of losing you.” He was in.

  No matter what, but it was good she was concerned. He wished she could trust him more. “You were?”

  “Hey I think your brother’s trying to kill you. Ooops I’m wrong, my bad. How’s that going to play at Christmas dinner?” Okay he got that. “I would have given him the money.”

  “I know.”

  Declan leaned back on the headboard. “I tried to help him. I tried to get him away from my dad.”

  She moved to sit next to him. “You were a boy. How could you save him, if you didn’t save yourself first.”

  “I should have tried harder.” He knew she was right, but that didn’t make things better. He failed his mother, his brother. How could he be trusted with a wife and a baby?

  Jane moved and straddled his legs and took his face in her hands and forced his eyes to meet hers. “Declan, he made choices that were fucked up. You had nothing to do with that. You helped him all you could. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did your best, but he didn’t want to be saved. Your father beat the hell out of you and you got away. You survived and ended up being a decent human. Your brother had the same choices don’t blame yourself for climbing out of that hell hole. You reached back to help and he told to go screw yourself. Don’t let your guilt ruin your future. You can still help him, but he needs to help himself.”

  Again she was on the money. A few seconds passed and his heartbeat slowed down. He was feeling some emotional relief. She understood. In that place he was afraid to go, he knew it was all on Brody. He tried his best it just wasn’t enough for his brother. But he swore to himself he would be more than enough for Jane and the baby. They were his second chance to get family right. He wouldn’t fail. And he knew she would be there at his side with him. All in. “Would you have shot him?”

  “To save you, to save my baby, hell yeah, but since I’m an expert marksman, I would just wound him.”

  “I would kill him, to save you.”

  She leaned her head on his shoulder. “That’s why you’re my hero.”

  He pushed her away to look at her face. “I’m your hero?”

  “You are. Now if I could get you to dress up like Captain America? Perfect.” She bit his bottom lip.

  “What am I going to do with you, Jane?”

  “Love me, love the baby. Build a life together. The usual. We have an entire lifetime to figure it out.”

  “I love you Layla.” He did, with everything he had until his last breath.

  * * *

  THREE WEEKS LATER.

  Malcolm got out of the shower when he heard his cell phone ping. It was a message from his mom. Got a line on a bass player.

  Interesting he thought. He thought his mom and Jocelyn were on some old broad road trip. He had no idea she was hunting for a bass player. Which was great, because the band was not having any luck in that department.

  Cool. He answered back.

  He dried his hair. This should be interesting. He would never admit it, but his mother always seems to know what the band needed more than they did.

  Epilogue

  Twelve Years Later

  * * *

  DAY four thousand two hundred and thirty seven of my captivity. Declan and I are pregnant again. Per usual it will be my job to squeeze out this baby. Jane sighed as she looked at the pregnancy test stick. Five weeks ago she went to visit her husband on the set of his latest movie and he took off his pants while they were in the same room and bam knocked up again. This would be number five. Not including the two girls they were fostering and in the process of adopting. He was getting a vasectomy tomorrow. She thought she was going through menopause. She put on his shirt. She left the bathroom and saw him sleeping in the bed. Stevie and Nicks their dogs were laying on the bed next to him. She leveled her alpha bitch glare and the dogs and they slinked off the bed.

  She just gazed at him. Who knew they’d make it twelve years. The touring, the kids, the occasional film and they were still going strong. Three months into their marriage she stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop and surrendered to her happiness.

  There was some gray in the blond hair and a couple of lines around his eyes that came from smiling but he was still the Golden God who got sexier with age. No wonder she couldn’t keep her hands off of him.

  She would have to call Fox again. For an aging rock star he turned out to be the best baby nurse. Clare would be thrilled to have another baby to dress up and play with. Addy and Pete, well they would just be happy.

  “You’re staring at me.”

  She smiled. “My husband is going to be home early. You have to go.”

  Declan sat up in the bed. “I just got here.”

  She crossed her arms and leaned on the door jam. “Maybe you shouldn’t be creeping in my bed at three in the morning trying to get your freak on. I’m a respectable woman.”

  “Excuse me Doctor Peterson, I thought I’d get here early for my appointment.”

  Yeah she’d gotten that psych PHD. “If you’d let me know you’re going to be home early, I could have rearranged my schedule. I have meetings today.” In her head she was already rearranging her schedule. The kids had school and Pete and Addy would take Adelaide for the morning. She ran an outreach center for kids transitioning out of the foster care system and she really only had a few meetings today. She could let her staff handle things. She had a hot man in her bed who needed to be welcomed home properly.

  “I didn’t want to miss Yasmeen’s play.”

  “We are thrilled, but I think she’s cool, because your got her a horse. A horse Declan really?” They would talk about that later.

  He threw the Golden God grin at her. “That wasn’t supposed to show up until next week after I had a chance to convince you it was your idea.”

  She was not going to let him see she could be wooed. “You’re not that good.” Well he was.

  He ran a hand down his semi erect cock. “The White House bathroom, where we got baby number four.”

  That had been a night. Jane could feel herself getting wet. “Don’t tell anyone, a girl’s gotta keep her rep.”

  “Something is on your mind.”

  She sighed damn she couldn’t hide anything from him. “You guys are going into the studio next month right?”

  “I’ll be here for the next year.”

  She walked to the bed and sat beside him, she pushed a lock of hair off his forehead. She liked him with longer hair. He’d grown it out to play a Viking for his latest film role. “Good.”

  “Why?”

  “We’re going--”

  He sat up and pulled her face to his. “Another baby?”

  “You and your big balls strike again.” She leaned her forehead on his.

  “That’s great news.”

  She could see tears sparkle in his eyes “I know.”

  “Another beautiful girl.”

  “Maybe we’ll
get a boy this time.”

  “I’m cool being the only rooster in the hen house.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Were you testing me?”

  “You passed that test a long time ago.”

  “Can I still get a reward?” He nuzzled her neck.

  She listened and could hear the house stirring, she gave the girls about twenty seconds before they got in. She reached behind her and grabbed the pants he threw on the foot of the bed. And handed them to him. She almost laughed as he worked him and his erection in the pants. Twenty seconds later there was a knock. “Later.” She promised. “It’s a school day.” She gave him a quick kiss. “Come in.”

  “Daddy!”

  Their oldest Yasmeen, was followed by nine year old Marcella, three year old Adelaide, then eight year old C.J. Clare junior. The twins they were fostering Emma and Elena lingered at the door until Declan waved them in.

  Declan raised his hands. “Ladies daddy’s home.”

  The girls ran to the bed and they all talked at once and it was always interesting how he treated them as if they were the only person in the room and gave all the same attention. God she loved him. With everything she had. She loved their life together. She sent a silent prayer to the heavens for all she had to be thankful for. She never believed in happy endings, but she was glad she found the man who could prove her wrong.

  The Playlist

  Joan Jett and the Blackhearts “I Hate Myself For Loving You”

  AC/DC “Big Balls”

  Cowboy Junkies “Sweet Jane”

  The Dave Matthews Band “You and Me”

  Tom Petty “You Don’t Know How It Feels”

  Linkin Park “What I’ve Done”

  Divinyls “I Touch Myself”

  Sting “Desert Rose”

  Led Zeppelin “Kashmir”

  U2 “Mysterious Ways”

  R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts”

  De La Soul “Me Myself and I”

  Good Charlotte “I Just Wanna Live”

  Steve Miller Band “The Joker”

  Sarah McLachlan “Sweet Surrender”

  Madonna “Like A Prayer”