by Lisa Heaton
“How does it feel?”
“I’m not exactly sure yet. Can we talk about that next time?”
“Yes.” He was feeling ill and knew he needed time alone. “Maybe tomorrow or the next day.”
“I will see you in the morning for coffee.”
“Sounds good.” Just as she closed the door, he rushed to the bathroom. He spent the remainder of the night in his cabin. Tommy stopped by to invite him up to eat, but he declined. He was beginning to wonder if he would even last the final week.
For the past few days, Robin and Emma had been making plans for a birthday celebration. Emma, feeling as if she owed her very life to Chris, was probably the most excited. In the weeks since he had been counseling Robin, nothing short of miraculous was beginning to happen. The change in her was evident. As the nightmares had ended, she hoped Robin would move back to the main house, but Robin chose to stay in her cabin where she said she was seeking God.
Emma was beginning to see something of God in her. A concept she deemed “her parents’ kind of thing,” was beginning to find some basis of reality in her daughter. Never one to believe God was active in ordinary and everyday lives, she was witnessing proof that something powerful existed. Chris was the one to draw Robin back to Him. If it could work for Robin, it might possibly work for her too. She had gone to church a couple of times with them, and was considering, as foolish as it seemed, going with her more often.
Busy in the kitchen, cutting vegies for a vegie tray, Robin admitted, “I had the hardest time keeping the secret this morning. I thought I was better at keeping secrets, but every time I opened my mouth, I almost blurted out, ‘We are throwing you a party.’” They had met for coffee and the sunrise as they usually did. He was quieter that morning than he had ever been. At first, she was concerned about him. But by the time they parted, he was much more like his old self.
“I never knew you were so bad at keeping secrets either. I’ll remember that.” Emma finished icing the cake and put the cover over it. “I will run to the store later for a few things, but for the most part, we are set.”
When Chris turned down the invitation to dinner the night before, Robin began to worry about their plan. What if he did the same this night? Trying to come up with an alternate plan was what kept her mind whirling over the past few hours. “I hope he comes.”
“Me too. But if not, we will celebrate without him. I made him my favorite cake.”
“I noticed that.” Robin giggled at her. At times, Emma was just like a kid.
“Not knowing what his favorite is, I had to pick something.” White cake with white icing, though some may call it plain, was her favorite. Not just any white cake would do but her aunt’s recipe. She had never tasted another like it.
“I may be a little worried about him.”
Emma stopped what she was doing and turned to her. “Why’s that?”
“He is acting differently, like something is wrong.”
“Have you asked him?”
“No. I don’t know. There is nothing I can put my finger on, just a sense I get.”
“I will watch him tonight and see if I feel the same thing.”
As Robin walked toward Chris’ cabin, she found him sitting on the front porch. He smiled and raised his hand. At first glance, he appeared better than he had that morning, but when she reached the porch, she thought he seemed pale still. Sitting next to him, she asked, “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“No, not at all.”
“Are you okay?”
He paused for a moment. “Sure, why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. You seem a little different.”
“I am okay. Question is, how are you? Yesterday was a tough one.”
“It was. I don’t know why I waited so long. Afterward, I felt lighter somehow.”
“I can understand that.”
“What’s next?”
“I have thought of a few things, like, how you felt afterward for one. I suppose I am curious.”
He never let her rest. His questions were like picking at a scab. She would think, whew, it’s over, but then he would pick at the wound, and it would open again and begin to hemorrhage. “If I had to describe it in one word, it would be disappointment. I was disappointed about life, every aspect of it. Mike had let me down. God had let me down.” She stopped and smiled at him. “Maybe my mind is changing about that. Time will tell.” Continuing on, she said, “My town let me down. I felt as if there was nothing left, absolutely nothing.” She stopped rocking and pondered a moment. “Truth is, I thought I had life figured out. I never saw any different future than being with him. Suddenly, there I was in the hospital, well, both of us in the hospital. We had nearly killed each other, our marriage was over, and I felt stunned. After that night, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I guess I have felt like that all these years afterwards too.” She began to rock again. “That was who I was. Here, in this life, I feel like I am pretending. This isn’t who I am. I lost me along the way.”
“Maybe this is the new you. Not necessarily the you you had planned on, but you under new circumstances. You seem to have a great life here. Emma loves you. Someday, I imagine you will find romantic love again.” His stomach turned at such a thought.
Turning over what he said in her mind, she thought about him. For about a minute, early on, she wondered if they could fall in love, but very quickly she knew that would not be the case. Not only was she not ready, and he did live hours away, ultimately, she was not prepared to give her heart to another man. She may never be ready for that. It was similar to her feelings about having another baby. To bring another child into her life would be like saying Michael never mattered or existed. It was the same with Mike. Their family was real at one time. She could never pretend otherwise.
“Maybe this is the new me.” She looked at him thoughtfully. “Have you ever been somewhere and just have a sense you don’t belong?”
“I think we all feel that at one time or another.”
“At times, I feel like I belong here, especially since I have been here for several years now, but more often than not, I feel like I am out of place, like a misplaced object.”
“Have you considered moving back to North Carolina?”
“No, never.”
“Maybe it is not a physical out-of-place you are experiencing. Maybe it is spiritual.”
“How do you fix that?”
“Keep doing what you are doing. Keep seeking God. Keep reading your Bible. Keep going to church. Find your faith again.” He had a sudden thought and was certain it was from the Lord. Having been so ill the night before, he had little time to process the things Robin told him, let alone pray about what to say. “Tell me, when you look back to that last night, can you see God?”
The question startled her, and she became immediately angry. “Of course not.”
“You said something happened, and he let go of you like he had been scalded. Could that have been the hand of God?”
She gasped and her hand flew over her mouth. A hollow or swollen feeling, she could not distinguish which, rose in her chest, as if her heart may collapse or burst any moment. “Could it have been?” Closing her eyes, she tried to look back on the scene. Mike’s eyes while he choked her were void of any emotion. But then there was this spark of recognition, as if he were suddenly seeing her, and following that, a look of panic registered in them. He released her.
“I believe it was. I believe He has a plan for you. He saved you that night. God was there.”
Robin jumped to her feet. “Why didn’t He stop it all?”
Shaking his head in frustration, he acknowledged, “Here we go again. I can’t answer for God. But I say again, we live in a fallen world. Mike chose to do what he did, but God spared your life.” It then occurred to him. “Like Job, I suppose. Remember, the Lord allowed the circumstances, but He determined that his life would be spared.”
“I just read that.”
“An
d?”
“I don’t know.” She sat back down for a second, trying to comprehend it all. Finally, she admitted, “I am confused.”
“That’s understandable. This is not easy, and you have so much to sort through. There is a season of healing ahead of you, one that will be between you and God. Just don’t hesitate to ask the difficult questions. He doesn’t cringe at our tough questions, neither does He apologize for who He is or His plan for mankind. Even when we can’t comprehend it, we are each a smaller part of a bigger whole. In the days, weeks, even months to come, take every single feeling and emotion before Him. Hold nothing back. If you are angry, tell Him. If you have doubt, say so. Ask Him questions and then watch and wait for an answer. Will you promise me that?”
Nodding to indicate she understood what he was saying, she knew she was in for a long and difficult journey. Finally though, it was a journey she wanted to take.
“I know one thing; the place you must begin is forgiveness.”
She allowed his words to sink in for a moment. Then, as if a movie played in her mind of when he came to the lake, she could see Mike crying, begging her for forgiveness. Unable to extend it then, she could neither do so at the moment. Not only did he destroy their marriage, he nearly killed her. How do you forgive such things? “How could I possibly forgive him? How can I just forget and act like it never happened?”
“Forgiving is not forgetting. The memories will come. They always do. The difference is what you do with the memories when they do come. Forgiveness does not mean you are saying what they did is not wrong. What he did was wrong. Forgiveness is not a feeling. You may not feel like forgiving. Still, for your sake, you must.”
“For my sake?”
“It will release you. What happened is now between him and God. But as for you, you will find freedom in forgiveness.” He paused a moment, then continued, “I know this one by experience since I had to deal with it concerning my mom. For years, I was incredibly angry at her for how she messed up our lives. She stopped being my mom because my dad died. I lost both parents at almost the same time. Forgiveness didn’t come easy.”
“How did you do it?” Before his admission, forgiveness seemed impossible. Thinking, though, of Chris’ young age when he lost his dad, then his mother became an alcoholic, gave her reason to believe if he could forgive, then maybe she could too.
“It took longer than necessary, simply because I didn’t know how. For me, when I finally got to a point where I could empathize with her, that was a first step. I tried to put myself in her position, what she was feeling, and that broke my heart for her. Then I started praying for her, regularly. Something about that gave me tremendous freedom. From there, I don’t know, it became a choice to forgive her. I chose it. So when an ugly memory would surface, instead of allowing anger to control me, I chose to recall how damaged she was, I prayed for her, and I reminded myself that I forgave her. After some time, it became part of how I dealt with bad memories. I did this over and over until eventually it became so automatic, that I didn’t have to even think through it. I went from ugly memory to automatically recalling I had forgiven her.”
“How long did it take?”
“For me, over a year. But like I said, I did not understand the process I just explained to you. I was going through it without the benefit of this hindsight I am sharing. For you, I hope it takes less time than it took me. Will the same approach work for everyone? I am not sure. But it worked for me. Now, I can see my mom, and trust me, she’s in really bad shape, and I am able to love her.”
“I don’t want to ever love him again.”
“I am not saying you have to, not in the way you did. But you still have to forgive him. Oddly enough, you will love him again, but it will be God’s love, not something you are capable of on your own. Remember, this is for your freedom, not for him in any way. Before you get to that point, I think you have an even bigger issue.”
“What’s that?”
“You have to forgive God for disappointing you.”
She had no reply, mainly because she was not sure how she felt about that. Thinking back to that last night with Mike, suspecting God may have saved her after all, made her realize she would need to go back and look for Him with Michael. It would be a process, one she was not sure she knew how to navigate.
“You will be gone soon.”
He nodded. “I know.”
“How will I do this without you?”
“I am recommending another counselor for you.”
“I am glad to hear that. I don’t think I can do this alone.”
“You won’t have to.” Standing, he said, “Hold on, I’ll write it down for you.” He went in and when he returned, he handed her a piece of paper. “This is who I recommend.”
Looking at the paper, she looked back up at him. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“I trust you.” And she did.
“It is not me you should trust.”
Robin was sitting on her bed with her Bible in her lap. It was not long before dinner, and Chris’ party. Opening it, she turned to the book of Isaiah, it read,
“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
Chris’ version was different, and she decided she liked his better.
“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”
It reminded her of being a small girl. Every Christmas, these were the words she heard. Yet somehow, she missed the significance of them. She had never known Him in any of those ways, not one. Chris had made a note below the verse, it read,
You will know him as Counselor first. Then, the other ways will come. Eventually, you will know Him. Once you do, you will never be shaken again. I promise.
She believed him.
The table was set and Chris was on the way. Tommy had gone to get him. At least Robin and Emma hoped he was on the way. After his refusal the night before, they were uncertain. With the dining room decorated and the place full, they were having a party regardless. They had discreetly spread the word to the other guests, and who were they to refuse a party? So providing the guest of honor arrived, it promised to be a great surprise.
Chris followed Tommy up the stairs, looking forward to a good meal. He was feeling better than he had in a couple of days, so dinner sounded appealing for the first time. Noting the lights were out in the dining hall, he continued up the stone stairs and toward the back porch. “Looks like they don’t know we are coming.”
Tommy smiled in the dim light, certain Chris was not suspicious. “We ate in the kitchen last night. S’pose we will tonight.” Coughing, he tried to hide a nervous laugh.
Walking into the main lobby area, Chris thought he heard whispers, so when he moved toward the dining room, with the intention of going into the kitchen, the lights came on and people began singing “Happy Birthday.”
Embarrassed, he looked around for Robin. Remembering he had mentioned his birthday when they went out to dinner that one evening, he knew it was mostly her doing. Going to her, he hugged her tightly. “I can’t believe you did this.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t think I would.”
He went to Emma and Becky and hugged them. When he got to Tommy, they settled for a knuckle-bump.
There was a long banquet table in the middle of the room with BBQ and every side imaginable. On the buffet was his birthday cake, his favorite, white. Shaking his head, he prayed, “Lord, You thought of everything.”
Since late afternoon, he had been feeling better. The night before, there was no way he could have attended. The headache was too much. For the moment he felt perfectly normal. There was no way of knowing how long he would feel this way, but he would take it whil
e he could get it. With only a few days remaining, he wanted to enjoy every last moment of it.
After dinner, he asked Robin if she would take a walk with him. Having decided he should tell her about his illness, he wanted to get her alone so they could talk. Knowing he would not be able to stay in contact with her once he returned home, he could not allow her to think he left and simply never thought of her again. His intention in not telling her had been to protect her, but he had to trust the Lord to care for her. She was His, and in capable hands.
They walked out onto the dock and Chris sat. When she did the same, he asked, “You remember when I said I would tell you something later, why the timing was not right for me either?”
The morning she told him she was not able to date him, that was when he said it. “Yes.”
“I guess it is about time.” It was difficult. Since receiving the diagnosis, he had only spoken the words aloud three times. He told his aunt, Vanessa, and the principal at the school. “I’m sick. That is why I came out here for the summer.”
“Oh.” She had no idea what to ask, but the way he framed the statement left no room for doubt, it was serious.
“I’m dying.”
Her breath escaped her, as if she had been kicked in the stomach. She reached for his hand. “How long do you have?”
“A few months, maybe more.”
“And there’s nothing they can do?” She knew it was a silly question, but she wanted to know more and was not sure how to ask.
“Radiation or chemo would only prolong it, but not stop it.” Squeezing her hand, he admitted, “I don’t want to live my last days here on earth fried from radiation or throwing up from chemo. I just want to die peacefully. That is the way it will likely happen.”
“Is it a brain tumor?”
“Yes.”
“You have headaches. I’ve seen you rub your temples and pinch at the bridge of your nose. I just thought it was regular headaches.”
“They have been pretty bad lately.”
It explained a lot. Especially over the past week, he was not the same. “Thank you for telling me.”