by Lisa Heaton
In a continuation of the season of forgiveness, she felt the Lord leading her toward empathy for the woman who pulled that trigger. It was at Chris’ suggestion that she go back and evaluate her life, especially from the point of Mike’s drinking forward. In doing so, she was better able to capture the truth, the hidden motive behind her deed. Gaining insight from retrospection, she acknowledged that her ability to take such violent action stemmed from his promise that he would get her pregnant again, no matter her feelings about it. Though a drunken threat, it was likely one she could regard as true. That prospect flipped a switch in her mind, and in the moment, it drove her to proceed out of her fear. It was more than the unbearable thought of bringing another child into such an abusive and chaotic home, it was the idea of another child altogether. After Michael’s death, she never wanted another child. The thought of such a thing was terrifying. That fear arose long before Mike began drinking. It was immediate, and one she acted on in such a deceptive way that its revelation nearly killed them both.
Robin had to forgive herself for her deception, as well as for picking up a loaded gun and intentionally trying to kill the man she loved. Revisiting her actions through hindsight, she discovered empathy came relatively easy for her too. Just as Mike was out of his mind, being chased by his own demons, she too was bound by oppressive fear and grief. When looking back, she felt such sympathy for both of them that her heart remained heavy and her prayers were ones filled with tears and pity. They were a young, lost couple, trying to wade through a sea of grief and misery. Sadly, both were drowning and neither had the means of helping the other. The only Life Preserver was out of reach for them both. She had turned her face from Him, having mended the veil in her distrust and disapproval of His ways. Mike had no such option, for he knew Him not at all.
Healing was beautiful, and painful, and undoubtedly worthwhile. The moments she spent with her Lord were similar to surgery at times, when there was a cutting away of what deserved no place in her heart, such as fear and unbelief. At others, it was comparable to sitting in soothing waters, warm and comforting, when He simply tended to her wounds. Then there were moments when grief and loss covered her in darkness, and it was during those times she saw Him as most mighty. When all seemed dark and she could not see Him clearly, she was assured it was then she was resting in the shadow of His wings. To see Him would have meant moving from His embrace. Certain times required the dimness and sanctuary of his encirclement. He was wrapped around her so securely that she felt no need to see Him. He was in her and with her, no matter what her eyes saw or how her mind tried to advise her. Her spirit knew. Like hugging a parent in your distress, you bury your head in their chest so that you have no field of vision. So in order to see, you must lift your head, which would remove the source of comfort. “Remain in the shadow of My wings,” was what she often heard. And that was what she did.
One day in particular, she considered Chris’ words before they even began counseling. He said, “And you, Robin, are anything but free.” Back then, she knew she was wounded. She knew she was damaged. She even knew she had a broken spirit. What she did not know then was how utterly bound she was. Indeed, she was anything but free. Just the day before this reflection of her lack of freedom, she read a verse.
“But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-17
After so many years turning away from Him, finally, by the simple act of turning back, she was free. While she would have never considered herself such, the truth was, she had been the Prodigal. Typically, the thought of the Prodigal suggested an image of one falling into a life of outward sinfulness. In her case, having intentionally turned away from Him, closing Him out of her life, she was every bit the same, just as far away as if she had traveled to a foreign land to spend her inheritance.
There was something about this revelation that caused her to love Jesus more than ever before. Never once had she had the mental image of God waiting for her with outstretched arms. Ever after though, it would be what she saw of Him when she looked back to the days of her brokenness. He was her Father, and He waited patiently, until one day not intending to wait any longer for her return, He sent Chris to find her and guide her home. That illustration of His love for her caused her to fall into Him in such a way she knew she would never be the same.
As the pages of the calendar were turned, and the cold ground began to thaw, life became new at the inn. Robin was new, as was Emma. In April, after having gone with her to church regularly for some time, Emma asked the Lord into her life. It was Robin’s greatest joy to lead her to the One place where healing was found. Emma needed as much restoration as she had. It was the beginning of her journey, and Robin was honored to be used, even in small ways along the way.
By late spring, calls began pouring in, and soon, Tommy and Becky returned. Cabins filled, and the guest rooms were booked for most of the summer. Chris’ cabin, however, was never rented. Instead, when the weather was warm enough, Robin moved her things there to stay. No more was it about disturbing guests with her screams. Rather, it had become her shelter and sanctuary. Out of a sense of propriety, she slept in the other room, not Chris’. It felt wrong somehow to sleep where he had slept, intimate in a way she never thought of him. In that place, he was everywhere; his memory was there in his chair, his wisdom on the porch. God continued to use the things he said and the questions he asked to draw her near to Him.
The summer was the best she had known in many years, certainly more years than she had been at the lake. Always before, she had felt as if she were a part of the periphery of life, no longer involved in it. This year though, there was an openness, a willingness to engage and invest in the lives of others, in a way she had never experienced before. Besides Becky and Emma, whose spiritual and emotional welfare were her causes over the summer, there was something new in the way she related to the guests. Intentionally, she reached out to every one of them in some way. Even if it was encouraging them or granting a request, she did all things with a new approach. Without question, her desire stemmed from Chris’ funeral. The image of the mass of people ever followed her, and out of the overflow of his impact on others, she wanted to touch lives the way he did, so she made every effort to do so. In this new way of dealing with others, she was catching an inkling of her purpose. Though not clear enough to pursue, there was something distant on the horizon, God’s plan for her.
By the end of July, nearing Chris’ birthday, they decided to have a huge celebration in his honor. The event was held outside and rivaled any Fourth of July party. It was not only an appropriate commemoration of his life, it was a way to bring all the guests together and share with them who Chris was. At the end of the party, Emma, Robin, Tommy, and Becky walked to his cabin, Tommy carrying a ladder. Each cabin had a wooden plaque over the porch with its name engraved into it. Tommy got up on the ladder and took the name Willow down, and replaced it with Chris’ Cabin. It was officially his, a gift from Emma. Robin was merely a guest there for the summer.
When time came for Becky and Tommy to leave, Robin felt assured of God’s hand in their lives. She had done what she called mini-counseling with Becky. Throughout the winter, the Lord had given her insight into Becky’s shame and regret over giving herself to someone she would never marry. One afternoon, while sitting by the empty fireplace in the cabin, she was praying for Becky. The Lord took Robin back in time to her own wedding night and the sweetness of the gift of purity she and Mike were able to offer to one another. Becky was grieving the loss, or more correctly, regretting that she had given that gift to someone who had no heart for her. A gift she wanted to give to Tommy was something she no longer possessed.
Over the course of weeks talking with her, Robin helped her to prepare her heart to receive the Lord’s forgiveness and to find her way through forgiving herself. Having been raised the daughter of a pastor, a life filled with what
she considered unachievable expectations; Becky carried an enormous measure of condemnation and guilt due to her sin. The load was so burdensome it prevented her from experiencing God’s grace early on. Finally, admitting she would forgive and extend mercy to another if in her position, Becky began to extend herself the same.
It was in the last weeks of the summer that the Spirit began a work in both Robin and Becky that would ultimately lead to the greatest freedom either would ever know. In contemplating the whys of Becky’s decision to be with Brad, they both came to the conclusion that it was her need to be loved. Stemming from that thought, they discussed how her true desire was not human love, or one that any man could offer, her truest desire was to know the love of God with such certainty, that human love would forever pale in comparison.
Flood gates opened in Robin’s own heart, bringing her face to face with a truth that took her back to seventh grade. Most precisely, that was the moment she sewed the very first stitch in the veil, separating herself from God. Mike was the first stitch; he became her god. She called him her rock, when Jesus should have been her Rock, deemed him her first love, when Christ was to be first in her heart and in her choices. He was her hero, when only One could ever truly save. Mike was her idol and her god. How had she missed it all those years?
One morning, in her normal course of reading, and in the exact providential way of God’s dealings with her, she read,
“For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.” Romans 1:21
Her thinking futile and her heart foolish, there could have been no better description of her for all those years. She had known God, or at least at such a tender young age was growing to know Him, when Mike came into her life and stole all desire of knowing Him more. In thinking back, she recalled the difference in her at church even. When Mike began going with her, her entire focus was on him, never what was being taught. If it was not on him, it was on what others thought of him. The envy of every girl she knew, she reveled in being his and the way they wished they were. He was her god. That realization rang over and over in her head.
There came a day when the simplicity of the solution became apparent. Sliding out of her healing chair, she knelt and made a commitment before the Lord. Aloud, she prayed, “I will have no god before You.” It was something so intense and personal, that she spoke it over and over. Even when she finished saying it out loud, it chimed in her head and in her heart for hours to come. Something new happened that day. It was nothing she could identify externally, but internally, there was a shift – her heart belonged to Jesus in totality. My Beloved is mine and I am His, became the song of her heart.
Once the summer season was officially over, life became slower for a time. When fall colors ramped up, so would the reservations again but for the time being, it was a time to breathe and rest. Both Robin and Emma needed the break. The heat that year had been oppressive, so the slightly cooler temperatures drew them outdoors more often. Sitting on the covered porch, sipping coffee together one September morning, Robin shared, “There is something I have been sensing. I believe I should say it aloud just to hear how it sounds.”
Curious, and always eager to hear Robin’s perspective on things, Emma encouraged her, “By all means, say it aloud.” Robin’s depth in spiritual matters was mystifying to Emma. Over the past year, something beyond extraordinary had happened to her. Emma watched with great joy, and sometimes with envy, how Robin became free and unbound by her past. While Emma desired the same, the shame she felt went beyond what Robin ever had a reason to.
“I have forgiven Mike, of that, there is no doubt. I have realized though, that never telling him has been a mistake. The Lord has laid it on my heart that he needs to hear it.”
“Will you write to him or call?”
“Neither. I have tried. Several times, I have pulled out paper and a pen and then just sat there, staring at the blank page. I have actually held the phone in my hand to call him, but can never dial.”
Feeling a bit uneasy about what she knew Robin was suggesting, she asked, “What will you do then?”
“I am supposed to go and see him face to face. I know it.” Beyond all shadow of a doubt, the Lord was moving her in that direction, and the mere thought of it scared her nearly to death.
12
Shifting into park, for a moment Robin sat looking at her former home. Though it appeared much the same, one major difference was that it now had a silver metal roof. It was what they wanted to put on when they first moved in, but could not afford it at the time. Pale yellow with white trim, she recalled how Mike and Trevor painted it over the course of two weekends that first year. Looking like a little doll house, the sight of it stirred up a sense of accomplishment mixed with a deeper sense of regret.
When her parents first brought them out to see the place, she knew it was the home for her. Mike was happy as long as she was happy. Even before they moved in, they were there every afternoon working and cleaning up. Having been vacant for some ten years, just to clear out the weeds and debris from around the house took two days. It had been worthwhile though. Nestled in a little valley between two hills with tall trees, the rear of the property was edged by farmland. There was a long gravel driveway that led from the two-lane highway up to the house, and she noticed on the drive up how well maintained the yard was.
Sighing, she gripped the steering wheel and prayed, “Lord, I don’t know if I can go through with this.” But she knew she could, no matter how difficult. Along with the sight before her came a flood of memories, good memories, ones that made her want to go back in time when they were so in love. Tears pooled in her eyes as she recalled walking up that set of steps with Mike, him holding Michael and shielding his eyes from the sun when they brought him home from the hospital.
Stepping from the car, she walked tentatively up the stairs in order to knock on the door before she lost her nerve altogether. Though there was no answer, his old blue truck was in the drive, and she smelled burgers on the grill. So naturally, she moved down the stairs and toward the left side of the house. Not having an official back door, theirs was instead a side door. At the side of the house, she hesitated. There he was, standing over the grill, flipping burgers. It was like a flashback in time. He wore a white t-shirt and jeans, and something about the familiarity of the sight made her want to turn and run. Instead, she moved closer, saying, “Knock, knock.”
When he looked up, he dropped his spatula on the ground. “Robin?”
“Hi.” She walked nearer, stopping at the gate. Fumbling with and finally unhooking the latch, she continued on to the patio where he stood staring at her. Reading such surprise on his face, she simply smiled, unsure of what to say next.
He could only stand there, too. Too shocked to speak, all he could do was stare at her. Purely convinced just one minute before that he would never see her again, his heart was pounding so hard in his chest he found he could barely breathe. Never having anticipated such an encounter, he was thankful, telling God so in his heart.
“I was hoping to talk to you for a few minutes.” Noticing several burgers on the grill, she added, “If you are expecting company, I can come back.”
Finding his voice, he stammered, “No, no. I was just making enough for the next few days. Are you hungry?” They were nearly done, but he had no way of getting them off the grill. “Hold on a sec.” Running into the house, he reached for another spatula. Stopping for only a second, he bent at the waist and grabbed his knees. Drawing in a deep breath, he let it out slowly. Quietly, he whispered, “God, how I still love her.”
Placing the hamburgers on a plate, he stood there looking at her. Realizing how pretty she looked in her Panthers t-shirt and jeans, he was again struck silent. Of course he remembered that shirt, along with how she kept things for so long, too long. She had ratty t-shirts from all the way back in high school. He grinned at such a ridiculous mem
ory.
“I don’t want to keep you from eating.”
“Will you join me?” He shifted from foot to foot. Tempted to grab her and hug her, he instead gripped the plate of burgers tighter in order to save him from such an unfitting thought.
“I don’t think so.” But then her stomach grumbled. The smell of charcoal in the air reminded her she had not eaten since breakfast, and it was well after one o’clock. “Well, maybe one.”
For the life of him, Mike could not stop grinning. He knew how dorky he must look, but the stupid smile was glued to his face. Oh, he had no misconceptions about her visit. His first guess was that she was ready to sell the house. Having lived there for more than a year, he had wondered when this time would come. Although he considered going for a loan and sending the money to her, he could never bring himself to do such a thing. Something about that seemed so final, since all that was left between them was the house. Apparently, he would be forced to soon.
Following him inside proved to be a mistake on her part, and she wished she would have waited on the patio. The familiarity of it was overwhelming. It was her little home that she made ready for her husband and her son. As she looked around the kitchen, she noted it was not filled with bad memories of their final year as she would have expected. Instead, she was reminded of the joy they shared there. Bittersweet was the term most appropriate to express the stirring in her heart.
The cabinets were painted white, and the floor was hardwood, original to the home. She saw that he had installed a dishwasher, something she never had when she was there in that kitchen washing dishes by hand. Not as if she minded though. In her mind, she could still envision what it looked like to have pots and pans drying on the counter. Taking two plates from the cabinet, she stood there staring at them. Tracing her fingers along the edge of one, she sighed in regret. They were a wedding gift from Emma, as were most of her dishes. While they were simple white plates, they were hers, and she had forgotten how much she loved them.