Three days.
That’s how long since the world had dulled around him.
Alexei turned off the engine in the car he’d borrowed from the MDF motor pool, staring blankly out the windshield at the tree-lined street Jamie’s parents lived on. Alexei had gone through the last few days in a grief-stricken haze that wasn’t getting any better, even within the arms of his family. How he was expected to be of any help here, he didn’t know.
“Come on,” Sean said quietly. “Katie is expecting us.”
Alexei nodded woodenly before stuffing the code-keys into his pocket and getting out of the car. The street was blocked off and guarded on either side by Metropolitan police who were fanatical in keeping the curious masses at bay.
Ever since Jamie’s identity as a metahuman had been revealed to the public on national and international news, it was all anyone could talk about. Alpha Team’s solidarity with their captain had resulted in all of them revealing their identities alongside Jamie. Security for their families had been put in place immediately, but Alexei wasn’t worried about his. They’d been flown from Boston to Washington, D.C., on a military flight to bring them to MDF headquarters the day after the attack.
Alexei’s engagement announcement was bittersweet news for them now. Alexei rubbed at the warm gold of his ring as he walked slowly around the car. Sean waited for him on the sidewalk, tired brown eyes looking nowhere else but at him. Alexei reached for him, taking Sean’s hand in his, needing his lover’s touch to ground him.
Alpha Team was out of commission. With their captain incapacitated and all of them emotionally compromised, the director couldn’t, in good conscience, put them in the field. So while other teams were being shuffled around and reassigned missions to cover the hole Alpha Team left behind, their orders were to stand down. To heal.
To grieve.
All the bruising and fractured bones Alexei had come away with from the fight in the capital had disappeared, courtesy of a full regen regime. He honestly would’ve preferred the lingering pain in his body than the pain in his heart.
They walked silently up the drive to the front door of the mansion, not bothering to knock before letting themselves in. The team had been taking shifts watching over Jamie. While his parents and sister were sticking close, it was his team who knew him best these days.
Katie met them in the foyer, looking worn out and tired, a bottle of vodka in her hand and two glasses in the other.
“He’s awake,” she said, handing the items to Alexei, forcing him to take them. “Go talk to him. Please.”
Alexei gave her a bewildered look before glancing down at the alcohol in his hands. “Want me get him drunk? Need more than this.”
“Liquid courage.”
If it were anyone else giving him this order, Alexei would punch them. But this was Katie, their second-in-command, the person who’d held his mind together in the field for as long as possible in order to keep him focused and alive. That she’d nearly hit burnout by doing what should have been impossible—merging psionic powers to boost strength and gain reach—was a testament to her strength. Katie would out-stubborn him if necessary, and Alexei was honestly too fucking tired to argue.
“I’ll talk with Katie and get an update on everything going on here. You see to Jamie,” Sean said.
“Second floor. Third door down the left hallway,” Katie told him helpfully.
Alexei would honestly rather do anything else—absolutely anything else—than talk with Jamie. He still climbed the stairs, taking them one at a time, and made his way to the bedroom in question.
This time he knocked.
When he got no response, Alexei thought about going back downstairs, giving Jamie the privacy he so obviously wanted. But it was that need for privacy that everyone worried about. Having Katie in the house and able to sense Jamie’s intentions before he even thought them no matter how much it hurt during her own recovery was the only reason Jamie was allowed to be alone right now. When Katie wasn’t on watch duty, someone on the team was glued to Jamie’s side, making sure he didn’t do anything he would regret.
They’d removed all the weapons in the house save for those issued to the Secret Service, but Alexei knew that wouldn’t stop Jamie.
Because it wouldn’t stop him, if Alexei were honest with himself.
Alexei opened the door and stepped inside, finding the curtains drawn over opaque plas-glass windows, the room as dark as it could be during the day.
“Lights on,” he told the attending computer.
The lights came on at full brightness, causing Jamie to wince from his sprawl on the bed. “Go away.”
Jamie sounded absolutely terrible and looked even worse. His clothes were wrinkled and looked like he’d slept in them for several days straight. Dark circles seemed permanently pressed beneath his reddened blue eyes. He hadn’t shaved since before the attack and the beard growth he was sporting looked strange on him. Alexei was so used to Jamie being clean-shaven that his rumpled appearance struck him as wrong.
Then again, he was one to talk. Sean had been the one cajoling him into the shower at least once a day, shaving his face for him, and basically forcing Alexei to at least look human even if he didn’t feel like it. His parents and sisters had been making sure he was eating even though everything tasted like dust in his mouth these days.
Alexei understood how it felt to be in Jamie’s shoes right now.
He hefted the bottle of vodka, shaking it a bit. “Katie give me. Need shower first.”
“I said go away.”
“Nyet,” Alexei said. “Shower. Owe me that, at least.”
Jamie flinched with his entire body, and somewhere deep inside, Alexei was glad. He felt terrible afterward, but for that one single second, he was glad Jamie was hurting.
Alexei watched as Jamie slowly pushed himself to a sitting position, staring dully at where Alexei stood. He ran a hand through his greasy blond hair, moving as if he’d aged fifty years in three days.
“Okay,” Jamie said quietly. “Shower.”
Jamie disappeared into the en suite bathroom, clean clothes in hand, and closed the door behind him. Alexei listened for the shower turning on before he moved to set the vodka bottle and glasses on the nightstand. Something flickering on the bed had him looking over to see what it was. He picked up the holopic frame and his heart nearly stopped in his chest.
One corner of the holopic frame was dented, the siding beginning to split, but the internal components still worked. Picture after picture slowly appeared then disappeared, his brother’s face smiling up at him.
The tears came, sudden and hard. Alexei scrubbed at his eyes with the back of one hand. He took a deep breath as he tried to stave off a crying jag that would leave him a fucking mess on Jamie’s bedroom floor.
That didn’t stop him from looking through all the pictures of Kyle that Jamie had saved in the holopic frame. He never even made it to the end of the cycle before Jamie came out of the bathroom however long later, riveted by Kyle’s wide smile at the stove as he cooked something in a pan. That kitchen was gone now, destroyed by the attack on the condo his brother and Jamie had made a home in.
“Donovan found it in the wreckage and brought it to me yesterday,” Jamie said.
Alexei looked up from the holopic frame, blinking hard to keep the tears at bay. “Condo not safe. Is also crime scene.”
Jamie shrugged, water dripping down from his soaked hair to seep into his T-shirt. He hadn’t shaved, but at least he’d managed to get dressed in clean clothes. “I didn’t ask him to go.”
Jamie wasn’t in the right state of mind to ask for anything right now. It’s why the entire team was watching over him, just like they were watching over Alexei. But at least Alexei had Sean to stand between him and the pain.
Jamie…he didn’t have anyone.
Coughing, Alexei set the holopic frame down on the nightstand and picked up the bottle of vodka. He unscrewed the cap and filled both glasses up
to the brim. “We drink.”
Alexei held out one of the glasses to Jamie, who didn’t move and just stared at him. Alexei raised an eyebrow, silently challengingly Jamie to do something, because he wasn’t going to be the only one clawing his way back to a new normal. If Alexei couldn’t wallow in misery forever, then Jamie sure as fuck wasn’t getting that option either.
Not on his watch.
Jamie came forward after a moment, carefully accepting the glass from Alexei, mindful of his grip. “You don’t have to drink with me if you don’t want to.”
“Is what Russians do when it hurts,” Alexei said gruffly. “We drink.”
Jamie’s expression twisted, that overpowering, dark grief coming to the forefront again. He squeezed his eyes shut, a couple of tears leaking out, before he got himself under control. Alexei took a sip from his glass and didn’t say anything when Jamie drank his down in one long swallow. He just refilled the glass.
Since the armchair was too far away, Alexei took a seat on the bed. He let Jamie stare at nothing for a couple of minutes before patting the spot beside him.
“Sit,” Alexei said.
It didn’t sound like an order to Alexei, but Jamie reacted as if it were. He sat down, keeping space between them, holding the glass with both hands and refusing to look Alexei in the eye. Alexei took his time finishing his glass, not really in a rush to start the conversation that Katie had known they’d needed to have.
Alexei poured himself a second glass, using his thumb to wipe away a drop of vodka sliding down the outside.
“Not hate you,” he said quietly, staring down at the clear liquid. “Know why you did it.”
Jamie’s laughter was unexpected, but there was no humor in the raw sound coming out of his mouth. “I hate myself.”
“He say take shot. You took shot. Was only way.”
As bitter as the words were on his tongue, Alexei knew they were the truth. He’d read Jamie’s after-action report last night—or rather, Sean had read it to him. It hadn’t been any easier to get through.
“I could have said yes,” Jamie whispered, practically choking on the words.
Alexei took a sip of vodka, letting the astringent liquor burn his gums. “Not see Kyle that way. Be worse.”
At that, Jamie finally looked at him, blue eyes wide and full of self-recrimination. “I shot Kyle.”
Alexei needed to drain half his glass after that statement. “Da. Because no choice.”
Stanislav had made sure of it. Jamie could have said yes and Stanislav would’ve taken Kyle with him as leverage. If Jamie had said no, Kyle would have died from a bullet to the brain. Either way, Alexei would have lost his brother to that bastard. Except Jamie had found the way out none of them had seen, not even Stanislav with his ability to see the future. Because if there was one thing any of them on the team knew, it was that when Jamie loved, he loved hard. And Alexei was generous enough to believe that Jamie loved Kyle as much as he did.
Maybe more, in a different way.
But Jamie had still done what was necessary, something Alexei knew he himself would never have been able to do.
“Not hate you,” Alexei said, holding Jamie’s gaze, even though the words felt like nails in his throat, prickly and sharp. “Angry? Da. Hurt? Da. But not at you. Not hate you.”
“We aren’t supposed to leave a man behind,” Jamie said hoarsely, lips trembling. “But I did. By my own hand, I did.”
Alexei drained his glass of vodka and reached for the bottle. Fuck manners, the glass wasn’t big enough. He took a long swallow before resting it on his knee. “Brought him home, Jamie. How that leave him behind?”
Jamie squeezed his eyes shut, choking on a sob. The glass in his hand broke from his too-strong grip, spilling shards and vodka on the carpet between his bare feet. Jamie swore, wiping at his eyes with one hand while Alexei plucked the broken glass out of his other hand and put it on the nightstand.
“Fuck,” Jamie whispered, his eyes following Alexei’s movement and latching on to the pictures of Kyle cycling through the holopic frame. “Fuck, I miss him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“You were good for him,” Alexei admitted roughly. “Always smile with you.”
Jamie closed his eyes, mouth pressed into a trembling white line. “He made me happy. He always…I’ll always…love him.”
Alexei lifted the bottle to his mouth, nearly choking on the vodka, but he swallowed the alcohol around the tightness in his throat. “I know.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Alexei.”
Alexei offered him the bottle of vodka. When Jamie reached for it, Alexei wouldn’t let go until Jamie looked him in the eye. “Lyosha. Can call me Lyosha, Jamie. Is what family calls me. And you…you family. Never doubt.”
The bottle trembled in Alexei’s hand, in danger of breaking from Jamie’s enhanced strength. Then Jamie took a deep breath and the shaking stopped. Alexei let the bottle go and Jamie drank down as much as he could stomach.
Alexei wasn’t feeling the alcohol. Not really. He could drink far more heavily than this and be fine. Metahuman metabolisms processed alcohol quicker, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be drunk. He just didn’t want to be alone. With company, even the overwhelming pain of losing someone lost some of its sting.
They finished the bottle between them in silence, with no further mishaps. When it was finally empty, Alexei stood up and offered his hand to Jamie.
“Come. Eat. Say goodbye to Katie,” he said.
Jamie looked at him, blue eyes still edged in red from days of crying, the grief still writ deep in his gaze, but he seemed a little more settled. Less like he was about to tear himself apart and leave them leaderless for good.
“Thank you,” Jamie said.
Alexei shrugged. “Don’t need thanks.”
Jamie reached for his hand and Alexei pulled him up until he was standing on his own two feet, mindful of the broken glass. They left the mess behind them and headed downstairs, following the sound of quiet voices to the dining room.
Katie sat at the wooden table with Sean and Charlotte. All three looked up at their arrival. Charlotte seemed relieved to see Jamie up and about. If it’d been Alexei’s mother sitting there, she’d have jumped up and rushed around the table to hug him. Charlotte seemed to recognize that Jamie wasn’t in the mood for such overt displays of affection.
“Jamie,” Charlotte said, giving him a tremulous smile. “Are you hungry?”
Jamie paused, as if he had to think about the last time he ate. Considering the beard didn’t quite hide the faint hollowness in his cheeks, Alexei figured it hadn’t been enough over the last few days. Sean had been diligent about forcing Alexei to eat even when he didn’t want to. If Sean wasn’t around to do it, then his mother and sisters were more than willing to take his place.
“I could eat,” Jamie said slowly.
“There’s leftovers from dinner last night in the refrigerator. I’ll see about heating some up for you.”
“I should get going,” Katie said, getting to her feet. “I need to check up on Matthew.”
Jamie frowned at her, shoulders tightening. “Katie?”
She came around the table and didn’t hesitate to hug Jamie. “Matthew is all right. He just lost someone on his team, too.”
Charlotte disappeared in the direction of the kitchen to fix lunch. Alexei let Jamie and Katie say goodbye in private and went to sit by Sean. He scooted his chair closer and immediately took Sean’s hand in his. Sean’s mouth quirked up at the corners; not quite a smile, but close.
“Can we go home tonight when our shift is finished? Sleep in our own bed?” Sean asked quietly. “I want one night at home with you. Just one. Please.”
Alexei wanted to say no. They’d been staying on base with his family since the attack because driving through D.C. right now was practically impossible. The entire megacity was still in heavy lockdown in places and recovery was still ongoing. It would be for weeks and weeks to co
me.
“Da,” Alexei said instead, because he didn’t have it in him to deny Sean anything right now. “We go home after, Senya.”
He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to Sean’s mouth, taking comfort in the touch.
“Oh, pardon me.”
They broke apart at Charlotte’s voice, but Alexei didn’t let go of Sean’s hand. Charlotte set a plate of food in front of the seat beside hers and smiled at them. She glanced at Alexei then Sean curiously, though she didn’t ask whatever questions were obviously on her mind.
Sean cleared his throat. “Sorry. Thought we were alone.”
“You’re fine, Sean.” Charlotte took her seat again. “You’re both always welcome here.”
Alexei wasn’t sure about that, but he held his tongue.
“Thank you, ma’am,” Sean said.
“Please, call me Charlotte.”
Sean nodded dutifully at her request, but Alexei figured he’d keep calling her ma’am like all the rest of them did.
“Are you married?” Charlotte asked.
Alexei glanced down at his ring. “Engaged.”
“Congratulations.”
“For what?” Jamie asked as he came back into the dining room.
Alexei watched as Charlotte weighed her words carefully, the concern in her eyes that of a mother not wanting to hurt her son.
“Their engagement.”
Jamie froze for a second or two before sinking heavily onto his chair. “I know. I’m happy for them.”
“We would have been happy for you,” Charlotte said quietly.
Jamie closed his eyes, a multitude of emotions racing across his face. It made Alexei wish Katie had stayed. She’d known the Callahans the longest and was best equipped to disarm any potential family argument in a fraught moment like this.
“I didn’t tell you about Kyle because I couldn’t,” Jamie got out in a mostly steady voice that was a lie. “Not because I didn’t want to.”
Charlotte reached across the table and curled her hand over his. “So tell me now, if you can. If you want. I’m here for you, Jamie. I’m your mother and I love you. I will always be here for you.”
In the Requiem (Metahuman Files Book 5) Page 30