“Didn’t talk to her about it.”
“Come again?” He rocked back on his heels and gave me a dirty look. “Let me see if I understand this. Honor’s been in your house two months—give or take. You’ve been sleeping with her nearly that long, you’re in love with her, and your daughter is close to her. Close enough, she’s asking if Honor’s gonna be her mom. The woman who donated her eggs in the creation of your child shows up at your house, and you didn’t talk to Honor about it?”
“Nope.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Not a damn thing. I need to wrap my head around what’s going on before I talk to anyone. Besides, I told Honor we need to slow this shit down. Things are moving too fast, Carson could get hurt.”
“This shit,” he spit out. “You mean, Carson or you?”
Both. Me. Fuck. I didn’t know how to answer that.
“Hell if I know.”
“You have a thirty-minute drive home. I suggest you figure this shit out. And by that, I mean, pull your head out of your ass. I’m dog tired and goin’ home. Let me know if you need any help getting Chrissy gone.”
“Thanks.”
Ten minutes later I was heading out the back door and found my dad leaning against the side of my Tahoe, like I was a teenager needing a ride home.
What the fuck?
“Dad,” I greeted when I made it to my car.
“We need to talk.”
“Can it wait? I just had my ass handed to me by Lorenz, and my shift sucked. I just wanna go get Carson and go home.”
“I never took you as a quitter.”
Guess we were talking about this now.
“I’m not quitting anything.”
“Right. If I were a betting man, I’d put my house up that today, after we left, you ended things with Honor or something just as stupid.”
“Good thing you don’t bet then, because you would’ve lost your house.” My dad held my gaze, not believing me. “I didn’t end things. I told her we needed to slow down. Carson’s getting too attached, and I have to figure out what Chrissy’s up to.”
“Right, that falls into the “something equally as stupid” category. I see you’ve found your shield.”
“I’m not fucking hiding. Carson is—”
“Just fine. Happy. Heathy. Thriving. She loves Honor. What more do you want?”
“That’s just it. She loves Honor. What if something happens, and she bolts?”
“Then you fucking fight to make her stay.”
Why the hell was everyone on my case? Couldn’t they see I was trying to do what was best for my child? I thought my parents would be happy I was being responsible and putting my daughter’s needs before my own. I was right.
“It’s not that simple, Dad.”
“It is. Besides, she not bolting–you are.”
“I couldn’t even make the girl who was carrying my child stay. There was supposed to be some sort of bond between us. Fuck!” I pulled at my hair until pain radiated over my scalp. “Goddamn it. We love her. If she leaves us, we’ll break. Both of us. Chrissy showing up today reminded me I fucking failed. I couldn’t even give my kid the one thing all children should have—a mom.”
“Honor is not Chrissy.”
“I know that. She’s more. She’s the woman I could love for the rest of my life. She’s the mom I want Carson to have. She’s my bone-deep, I know it. But if she doesn’t feel the same way, Carson will be crushed, it will rip my heart out, and I won’t survive.”
“It’s called trust, Ethan. You need to learn to trust her.”
“I do.”
“No you don’t, not the way you should. I trust your mother with my life. I trust that she’ll never leave me. Love is a choice, son. I wake up every morning and I choose to love your mom. And every night when we go to bed, I choose her again. The thought of her not being there doesn’t cross my mind; it’s an impossibility.”
“I need time.”
“No, you don’t. The longer this festers the worse it will be, the deeper the hurt, the harder to fix. I didn’t drag my ass all the way across town and stand outside for an hour because it can wait. Honor Sullivan will love you and Carson until her dying breath if you let her.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I see it in all the little things she does. I see how she searches you out. How she watches Carson. I see how she’s always got her finger on the pulse of her family. The girl is as see-through as they come.”
“Appreciate you taking the time to come down here. I’ll think about what you said.”
“Ethan—”
“Dad. I’ll think about it. Thank you for always having my back, but I have to work this out for myself. I need to think.”
“Fair enough.” My dad clapped me on the shoulder and made his way to his truck.
I had thirty minutes to think about what my dad and Lorenz had said before I had to face my mom. On the drive over, I’d tried to devise a plan where my dad brought Carson out of the house for me, so I could hide like a pussy. My mom had no issue giving me the hot side of her tongue if I pissed her off, and her guilt-trips were second to none. I’d told my dad I’d think about what he’d told me, but the truth was, I didn’t want to think about anything. I wanted to go home, fall into bed, and stop thinking altogether. Everything was a mess. If I tried to sort it out tonight, I’d get nowhere.
All too soon I pulled into my parents’ driveway. My dad met me at my truck, and we walked in together. My mom’s eyes came to mine, and she brought her finger to her mouth shushing me. Carson was asleep on the couch next to her. Perfect. That meant we couldn’t talk.
I picked Carson up and when my mom stood I kissed her cheek.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She reached up stroked the side of my face.
“I hope you know how much I love you, Ethan. I want nothing but happiness for you,” she whispered.
“I do, Mama.”
“Then you’ll know how much it pains me to say this, to my baby boy—you’re an ass. Let Honor in. And don’t let Chrissy steal the rest of your life. There was nothing you could’ve done to change her mind. She didn’t want my beautiful granddaughter then, and she doesn’t want her now. Do you know anything about her? Ever looked her up?”
I assumed my mom was talking about Chrissy, so I answered in the negative. I’d never been curious enough to do an internet search.
“She didn’t stop living, Ethan. She’s a doctor and doing well for herself.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I couldn’t give a rat’s fucking ass how well Chrissy was doing.
“When are you going to start living yours? You had a child, you weren’t sentenced to a life without love and happiness. Go home and make things right with Honor.”
Despite my mom’s harsh words her hand had never stopped gently rubbing my face. Where my dad could pin me with a hard stare, my mom’s eyes always softened when she delivered her lectures.
“I appreciate your concern, but I have to figure this out on my own, and like I told Dad and Lorenz, I need time to do that.”
“Don’t take too long. I can tell you from personal experience the longer the separation stretches the harder it is to mend the hurt. Often, time is the last thing you need. Seconds and minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and next thing you know days have become weeks. Time is a funny thing, Ethan. It passes you by whether you want it to or not. While you’re thinking, time is wasting. Hours can be filled with the most precious and treasured memories, or the loneliest void. Please remember while you’re thinking, so is she. And her thoughts will turn into insecurity and doubt. And you’ll have done that to her.”
My mom removed her hand from my cheek and stepped back. After a quick goodbye I put Carson in the truck and headed home. I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mom had said about Chrissy. The petty, juvenile part of me was jealous she’d gone on with her life. She didn’t have a care in the world. Chrissy hadn’t
put her life on hold for her child. She’d graduated high school with her friends and had gone to college—medical school even; she was a doctor now. She’d accomplished what she’d told me she wanted to. During one of the many post-sex talks we’d had as we’d lain on a blanket in the back of my truck, looking up at the stars, she’d told me all about her dreams. Neither one of us was under the illusion we’d be together for the long haul. Not like some high school kids who swore they were in love and would be together forever. She wanted to go off to college, and I was going to join the Army. We’d known our paths would be very different and would never cross again. Then the condom broke, and we were forever connected. How different my life would be if I’d never asked Chrissy out.
The normal guilt hit my chest anytime I thought about what my life would’ve been like if I didn’t have Carson. I didn’t regret a moment of having my daughter. I never felt like I’d given up my dreams for her, I didn’t give up anything, my aspirations simply changed. Everything changed. The Army was no longer important—being a good dad was. Partying, hanging out with my friends, sports, and graduating on a stage . . . none of it could compare to Carson. Rounding the plate after hitting a home run used to be the best rush in the world. The excitement of the crowd. The cheers. My teammates’ and coaches’ praise. But none of that held a candle to what I felt when Carson smiled at me for the first time, or when she took her first steps, or hearing her jumbled da-da. I didn’t give anything up, I’d gained the world.
Why didn’t Chrissy feel the same way? For eight years the question had plagued me. Was it me she hadn’t wanted a child with? Did I do or say the wrong thing? Was I not good enough? Carson? What was it that made Chrissy leave us?
By the time I pulled into my garage and cut the engine, I was no closer to the answers I desperately needed.
The biggest one being—why in the fuck had I pulled away from Honor and why had I lied to everyone telling them I needed time?
I didn’t need time, I knew what I wanted. I was just too scared to go after it.
18
I hadn’t seen Carson or Ethan at all yesterday. Since Ethan was on nights, he slept all day while Carson was at school. What pissed me off the most was Ethan had devised a plan to avoid me. I’d left for my morning run and even though I was home ten minutes before Ethan needed to leave to take Carson to school, they were gone. Then he must’ve slipped back into the house while I was in the shower, slept all day, then waited for me to leave to go to the grocery store and bolted before I was back.
To say I was angry was an understatement.
This morning I’d skipped my run and had had my ass planted at the table with my laptop and coffee when he came down. He was fully dressed and looked like he’d planned on giving me the slip again. His mumbled good morning was awkward and forced. It was obvious he didn’t even want to share the same space as me.
Some would say my reaction to Ethan’s silent treatment was a little over the top, but I was mad and hurt and my least favorite feeling was that of being unwanted. So when he tried to beat a hasty retreat and take his coffee back to his room, I told him we needed to talk. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but, in my mind, it’d played out much differently than it had.
Ethan had stood at the bottom of the stairs and made no attempt to come sit next to me. His gaze was faraway and uncomfortable. I hated he felt that way. With each passing second, I watched his look of unease grow. It was then I came to decision.
“Maybe it would be best if I looked for a new place to live.”
“What?” He recoiled but still made no move to come closer.
“You said you wanted to slow things down. I don’t think we can do that while I’m living here.”
I waited for him to argue, say something, anything that would give me some sort of indication he wanted me to stay. But he didn’t. He stood his ground, one hand white knuckling his coffee cup, the other in a tight fist by his side. He gave me nothing.
“I don’t want you to have to tiptoe around your own house to avoid me.”
“I’m not avoiding you,” he denied.
“Sure you are. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, because it does. I’ll start looking for something this afternoon. I don’t want to lose you, Ethan. Or Carson. But I can’t live here in silence. I’ll move out, you think, and when you’re ready we’ll see where we go from there.”
“I don’t want—”
Ethan was cut off when Carson came running down the stairs and beelined it straight to me. She jumped in my lap and told me all about the day I’d missed and what she’d done. I hadn’t gotten up like I’d been doing and making her breakfast, instead Ethan set a bowl of cold cereal in front of her, and she talked around spoonfuls until it was time for her to go to school.
That’s when Ethan had made his promise, one I bet he wished he hadn’t. A promise he’d made to get Carson out the door to school. She hadn’t wanted to go to his parents’ house after school today, she’d wanted to come home and stay with me while Ethan was at work. The more he told her no, the more upset she got, until he gave in.
I stood off to the side watching Ethan and Carson argue. He was standing by the door in his uniform, trying to get Carson to go to his parents’ house. Carson wasn’t having it. Ethan had made a promise, and she wasn’t letting him renege. We still hadn’t finished our conversation from this morning. After he’d taken Carson to school, I took my laptop into my room to work. I waited, but he never knocked. He hadn’t made the effort. As the day progressed it felt like the knife in my heart was twisting with each hour that passed.
“Daddy. You promised,” Carson whined.
“Hey, maybe we can do a movie night some other night?” I tried to help Ethan, even though I was seriously angry he was trying to keep Carson from me after he’d promised her just this morning she could stay with me.
“But Daddy made a promise. Pop says, a man never breaks his promise.”
Carson, wise beyond her years, had a very good point. However, Ethan seemed to be breaking a lot of promises lately. His attention turned to me, and he still didn’t have the balls to open his mouth and ask me if I was okay with Carson staying with me. He let his expressive, green eyes ask for him.
I, however, wasn’t acting like a prick, so I answered, using words, like a grown-up.
“It’s fine, Ethan. Go to work. I’ll help Carson with homework then we’ll watch a movie. Don’t worry, she’ll be in bed on time.”
“Yippy. Can we make tacos again tonight?” Carson asked.
“Sure, darlin’ we can make whatever you want.”
Ethan said goodbye to Carson and offered nothing more than a lift of his chin to me before he walked out the door.
“Daddy’s being grumpy,” Carson complained.
“I think Daddy is grumpy because he doesn’t like working nights. He likes being home, so he can eat dinner with you and tuck you in. So he gets grouchy when he can’t do it.”
“But if you’re my mommy, he doesn’t always have to do it. Mommy’s tuck their kids into bed and read stories. McKenna’s mommy tucked us in when she had a sleepover.”
God, I hated Ethan. Not really, I was madly in love with the stupid jerk, that was why I hated him so much right then. Two days ago, I was thrilled Carson wanted me to be her mom. I thought that meant the relationship Ethan and I had been building was solid. I had Carson’s seal of approval; we could continue. A day that was supposed to be happy and always remembered, I just wanted to forget. But I couldn’t. Ethan’s words played on repeat, overshadowing Carson’s question.
Slow down.
Not ready for anyone to be her mom.
His words still hurt days later. I desperately wanted him to talk to me. Open up, trust me, something—anything. But he’d shut down. I wanted him to fight for us. Give me something so I could stay and fight, however, the statement about me moving out had been made and now it hung between us. He was probably relieved. I knew once I moved out, that would be it. H
e’d never try and work things out.
The worst part was, I had no idea what had happened. What had changed his mind? He offered me nothing by way of explanation. The only thing I was left with was assumption and everything pointed to Chrissy having said something to upset Ethan.
Thankfully, Carson was easily distracted, and I used it to my advantage, offering her a snack and told her we could eat at the coffee table and watch the movie if she finished her homework in time. I wasn’t sure if Ethan had talked to Carson about her asking if I could be her mom or if he’d blown her off too. I knew nothing because he wasn’t talking to me.
I got Carson a snack and we finished her homework. We were getting everything ready to start making tacos when I realized we didn’t have any tortillas to make the shells.
“We gotta run to the grocery store, darlin’.”
“Will we still have time to watch our movie?”
“We sure will. And we’ll even grab a tub of ice cream and share it for dessert.”
“Yippy. I’ll get my shoes.”
Carson took off then met me at the door. Her excitement was contagious, and I found myself smiling at her, despite my foul mood.
Damn Ethan!
I buckled Carson in and headed toward the grocery store. She was telling me a story from the backseat, one I’m ashamed to say I didn’t hear. I was torn. On one hand I wanted to stay and demand Ethan open up to me. However, I couldn’t deny I deserved better than a man who would close me out and break promises. I’d grown up with a father who’d promised year after year he’d be home more, be more involved, yet each year there was another excuse why that didn’t happen. Promises made, promises broken. Each time my dad walked out the door, I watched my mom lose a part of herself. I would never lose myself like that, no matter how much I loved Ethan and Carson.
I was worth the fight, and if he wanted me, he’d have to chase me.
19
“I’ll drive today.” Lorenz swiped the keys to the squad car out of my hands. “I’m shocked I lived after last night’s driving.”
Chasing Honor (The Next Generation Book 2) Page 14