by DC Bastien
"Off-grid. Away from any surveillance cameras, or personnel."
"Jazibe's full of cameras. And there's drones flying around all over, too. I haven't seen anywhere we could hide."
The chaplain reached into her hip-pouch, pulling out a small metal cylinder. "I can use this for a brief period. Of course, eventually they will track the static blur as our path, but to begin with it will throw the scent."
"Okay." The purple-eyed engineer looked pale, but determined. "I trust you. Just say what you need me to do."
"I need you to follow me closely, but not to look worried. And then, when I think we have put enough distance between us and the market... I may need you to jump on my back so I can run at full stride."
"Sure. If I won't be too heavy?"
Kre's smile was dangerous. "Hardly. I could carry you, your sister, and Loap and still outrun the Captain on foot."
"...be a bit of a squish if you did, though!"
***
[Ashroe: Friday, Friday, Friday. Poets day, Friday.]
[Sianor: Poets?]
[Ashroe: Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday. Friday!]
[Sianor: Someone is in a good mood!]
[Ashroe: I have next week off. I realised I was going to have too many days to carry over if I didn't do something about it, and I'm getting some in before the Christmas rush. I'll probably work Christmas.]
[Sianor: Won't that be super depressing?]
[Ashroe: Nah. No one is in, so it's quiet. Still have to maintain a minimal staffing level. Plus, that way I get to dodge being the Family Cook. I can slap together a mean curry or a zippy stir-fry, but I just do not have the patience to oven a bird all day, or time all the ridiculous trimmings. I'd be happy with a Sparks' meatloaf if I'm honest.]
[Sianor: Aww. Will you still get the big dinner?]
[Ashroe: Oh yes, just it will be one of my esteemed siblings who cooks it. Probably my sister. She's very homey. I was always a bit of a let-down because I didn't want to sew and garden and all those things.]
[Sianor: I sew, I don't garden. I like looking at gardens, though.]
[Ashroe: Housework is something that happens to other people.]
[Sianor: So I get you all week? Awesome. I don't have any papers due.]
[Ashroe: Well, I have a bit of present-shopping to do, but I intend to spend a lot of the rest of my time... relaxing. I might get a night somewhere in a nice hotel.]
[Sianor: With big fluffy pillows!]
[Ashroe: With big fluffy pillows AND bathrobes! Mmm. And wifi.]
[Sianor: We should live-watch an episode together again. It was fun last time.]
[Ashroe: I'm game for that. Hey, I could even catch the new ep with you when it airs.]
[Sianor: Isn't it at ridiculous o'clock for you?]
[Ashroe: Yes, but I won't be going to work, so I can turn almost nocturnal.]
[Sianor: I'm getting excited about this!]
[Ashroe: I thought we could - uh - try videochat sometime, too.]
[Sianor: Oh. Oh we could! I would be super nervous, though.]
[Ashroe: I will be too, so if you don't want to, then I won't... you know.]
[Sianor: I'm intrigued. I'd like to hear how your - okay this is gonna sound weird. How your voice sounds saying things, so when I see them on my screen I can... hear you?]
[Ashroe: Same, although we get more exposure to your accents than you do us, I think.]
[Sianor: I am not dressed for cam today, but I can be sometime soon. So...]
[Ashroe: So?]
[Sianor: Does that mean I can keep you up late tonight, too?]
[Ashroe: Most assuredly yes.]
[Sianor: OMG we should totally have popcorn. Like. We could rewatch an old episode on the TV and sit with our laptops and just bitch over it like we're on the same couch.]
[Ashroe: If we're bitching, we should watch one of the shittier ones. Hmmm.]
[Sianor: I know! I know! Mission: You.]
[Ashroe: You want to do it tonight?]
[Sianor: Let me check if there's popcorn!]
***
Chapter (Mission_S01E06_HDTV.XVID.MP4) - Mission: You
[Sianor: Popcorn: check. Soda: check. DVD: check.]
[Ashroe: Still not released over here on DVD, damnit. Don't they realise we want to pay money too?]
[Sianor: Ugh!]
[Ashroe: It's okay, I have it on my lappy ready.]
[Sianor: Are you sufficiently fed and watered?]
[Ashroe: Can I substitute the popcorn with tortilla chips and hummus?]
[Sianor: Totes. Although I am so calling you a bourgeoisie for that.]
[Ashroe: Burn. Then, Flight Control, we're ready.]
[Sianor: Press play in 3...]
[Sianor: 2...]
[Sianor: 1.]
[Ashroe: 1.]
[Ashroe: Oh, season one titles! How I miss thee. Back before they cut them down to a pathetic epileptic-fit-inducing nightmare.]
[Sianor: Why would you do that? Sci-fi has some of the best music and credits around.]
[Ashroe: Probably because they worry we'll either get bored of waiting for it to start, or so they can sell more fast-food and soda in the scratched-back minutes.]
[Sianor: *sobs* Is nothing sacred?]
[Ashroe: Wait for it... wait for it... BAM.]
[Sianor: And it's the cold open!]
[Ashroe: I love those. I mean, I do like it sometimes when they do the 'how did we get to this point' ones, but that's... spoiling the story. You shouldn't abuse the hindsight mechanic.]
[Sianor: Oh look, it's Vadim's bad hair!]
[Ashroe: I am so glad they cut that for the second half of the season.]
[Sianor: And ditched the pretentious gloves.]
[Ashroe: I liked the gloves!]
[Sianor: They were pretentious.]
[Ashroe: So is Kip.]
[Sianor: He said you're mean, and you're talking over his expository speech.]
[Ashroe: I could probably cite it verbatim.]
[Sianor: ...he says that's OK but he does it better.]
[Ashroe: Annnnd there goes Kre's tail. 'Accident' my ass. Or his ass.]
[Sianor: You would hit it too, if you had a tail.]
[Ashroe: Damn straight I would.]
[Sianor: Look! Establishing shot of planet-of-the-week that will be used at least five times to make the efforts of the art department worth it.]
[Ashroe: And it's cheaper than an establishing shot on the planet's surface. You can just whack a new texture on the globe and spin around the randomised star-map behind it. Bam.]
[Sianor: Stop spoiling the magic of TV for me :p]
[Ashroe: Watch with someone less cynical, then. Besides, you're an artist - you should know all this.]
[Sianor: I do. I just... sometimes try not to remember.]
[Ashroe: And here's the Oh So Barely Concealed commentary on a current event.]
[Sianor: Oh noes, the mens, they are objectifieds!]
[Ashroe: Yep. Although, props to them for making the boys into man-whores instead of the obligatory 'only females work in the sex trade'.]
[Sianor: Fanservice. Totally fanservice.]
[Ashroe: And the amount of dross 'Vadie doesn't make enough money so the girls whore him out' stories that suddenly appeared...]
[Sianor: I read some. I will admit it. I was desperate for good stories, so I just... read until I found ones I liked.]
[Ashroe: Sometimes I read the really, really bad ones for fun.]
[Sianor: Oh, Kip, pick your jaw up from the floor.]
[Ashroe: He totally checked that dude's ass out.]
[Sianor: And what an ass it is.]
[Ashroe: How can anyone think that man is straight? Geez. I like girls more than he does.]
[Sianor: Hahaha. Probably same here.]
[Ashroe: I love how Biann is completely blasé about it all. Like, sure, you wanna jump in the sack for money, who cares.]
[Sianor: It's obvious that the guys aren't being abused
, or exploited. They're looked after, and well-paid.]
[Ashroe: Saidhe is like... must not look at nipples.]
[Sianor: I really hate that they gave Hleen males four. I mean, what the hell?]
[Ashroe: Makes no sense at all. If they have four, the females should have four boobs. Unless they're redundant now, or unless they swell only during lactation.]
[Sianor: Strikes me as 'let's make the weird aliens look even weirder, shit, what's cheap and sexy?']
[Ashroe: If they'd just done a test, they would have found that uneven nipple distribution ranks low on our wetness scale.]
[Sianor: There's also one Roq there, even if he doesn't get developed at all. Which - bearing in mind the most recent revelation about their sexual reproduction...]
[Ashroe: Yes, I'd like to write that up in the fic, too.]
[Sianor: But no Sianar.]
[Ashroe: Probably he and the Roq would try to kill one another if there were both.]
[Sianor: Sadly so. Yes. Point taken.]
[Ashroe: Setup done. Now time for the first-act twist! Dun dun dun!]
[Sianor: Annnnnnd here's your fave bitch. Amita.]
[Ashroe: I had almost blocked out her whole existence. She is such a weak character. I mean - such a dead horse flogged so hard it dances.]
[Sianor: I just spit out my popcorn.]
[Ashroe: It's true! She's the Catwoman. The pretty girl thief. How many shows or comics or films have had one?]
[Sianor: Too many. Often with a catsuit.]
[Ashroe: And they always have the Alpha Hero fall for her.]
[Sianor: That's the bit that feels most strained about the episode for me. Other than the anvilicious 'Whores Are People Too' thing. Kip would not like her. Unless she was covered in pheromone spray or something.]
[Ashroe: You can see how poor Davey can't bring himself to look at her lustfully. There's no chemistry there, and he normally reacts like Caesium in a rainstorm with a fucking chair.]
[Sianor: Her pulling one over on him here, making herself out to be the victim... he's a trained law enforcement officer, FFS. And a Captain.]
[Ashroe: Sorry, I can't hear you from inside this massive plot hole.]
[Sianor: I SAID: LOOK AT HER TITS.]
[Ashroe: Oh my, yep, there's the balancing shot. I wonder if the boy whores were just to off-set any complaints about her - uhm - assets.]
[Sianor: Wait for it... wait for it...]
[Sianor: BURN. Yeah, baby. Kre's subtle snark is my lifeblood.]
[Ashroe: And that comment will have gone over 90% of the audience's heads.]
[Sianor: Now to find the magical, mysterious, important... McGuffin.]
[Ashroe: I don't know where she hid it in that skin-tight costume.]
[Ashroe: I can imagine where I'd want to put it.]
[Ashroe: And it isn't nice.]
[Sianor: Stop making me spit popcorn out! I might choke!]
[Ashroe: Dying is expressly forbiddens, okay?]
[Sianor: Fine... OH. Are we going to cosplay at the wonderful, magical, mysterious, important... convention?]
[Ashroe: If you ask me to dress as Amita, then I'm going to kick you to the curb.]
[Sianor: I've seen your boobs.]
[Ashroe: Show me yours then :p]
[Sianor: I meant as our boys, you know.]
[Ashroe: Ooooh. If you do that, I might not be able to keep Ithon from slapping your ass.]
[Sianor: If he didn't, we'd both be disappointed.]
[Ashroe: Okay, I'm game. Let's do this thang.]
[Sianor: LOOK! It is the COMPLETELY lampshaded, obvious, utterly ridiculous reveal which was so freaking obvious everyone watching probably thought they were teasing us for it to give us a real reveal!]
[Ashroe: Revealception. They knew you would know it was obvious, so you would expect it to not happen, so to subvert your expecting that it wouldn't because it was obvious, it happened.]
[Sianor: Oh my god please make it stop it burns, it buuuurrrrnnnnnssss.]
[Ashroe: It's postmodernism. Or... postsomethingism. Neo-postmodernism.]
[Sianor: I still can't get over the pretentiousness of anything calling itself 'modernism'.]
[Ashroe: Someone didn't think ahead, did they? Or... DID THEY? Is the very name 'modernism' a postmodernism?]
[Sianor: No more internets for you.]
[Ashroe: Well, fuck.]
[Sianor: Come on, back to the show.]
[Ashroe: But Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!]
[Sianor: You asked for a shit one.]
[Ashroe: I did. It reminds me I don't suck half as bad as I think I do. Or... something.]
[Sianor: Mes! Mes! Yeah!!!]
[Ashroe: She needs more scenes. I know she's just a voice, but surely that should make it easier? It's freaking sci-fi. We can cope with talking walls and boxes.]
[Sianor: If they ever make her corporeal I will be so annoyed.]
[Ashroe: Don't curse it! Don't!]
[Sianor: Oh no what have I done?]
[Ashroe: Actually? Given me a plot idea.]
[Sianor: !!!]
[Ashroe: Not a Messenger-becomes-a-girl-and-fucks-everyone idea.]
[Sianor: TELL.]
[Ashroe: I'll think about it and put it in our plottings doc.]
[Sianor: Oh, I forgot to say, I read your haiku.]
[Ashroe: Oh, I'm glad that you,]
[Ashroe: Found my love missive, it was,]
[Ashroe: Late one night you see.]
[Sianor: <3]
[Sianor: Kre... you were missing for a while... why are you coming back on the ship at this hour?]
[Ashroe: Good point. I missed that the first time... was she off seeing a sex toy?]
[Sianor: Was she preaching to them?]
[Ashroe: Now I'm imagining the Newtonian Laws as sex acts.]
[Sianor: Is there anything you don't turn into a sex act?]
[Ashroe: Bacon.]
[Sianor: I could make bacon into a sex act.]
[Ashroe: You could, but then... bacon. Why would you sully two perfectly good things? You could have sex... then BACON after!]
[Sianor: And having them together?]
[Ashroe: It would be too much awesome for the Human mind to handle.]
[Sianor: You're right, she really is two-dimensional. The second dimension is occupied solely by her chest region.]
[Ashroe: And yet, there's properly delineated females. They pass the Mako Mori AND the Bechdel tests. This episode is just... filler.]
[Sianor: Cause this is filler! Filler night...]
[Ashroe: Isn't that before your time?]
[Sianor: Hey, I know old stuff!]
[Ashroe: I suppose I shouldn't complain too much, there's more signal than noise.]
[Sianor: And I bet some people liked it.]
[Ashroe: Oh yes, I'm not supposed to hold everyone to my strict standards, right. I remember now. I have to allow for people to be morons.]
[Sianor: We can't all be the genius. Or there's no exceptional people... just... cookie-cutter replicas.]
[Ashroe: You are much kinder than I am.]
[Sianor: No, you just pretend you're a bitch.]
[Ashroe: I could totally be mean IRL.]
[Sianor: You're not, though.]
[Ashroe: If they bring Amita back, I'm going to wear black all week in protest. Unless she dies. In which case... I'll wear Hawaiian shirts.]
[Sianor: Do you even own one?]
[Ashroe: I will buy them especially. I will hold a party.]
[Sianor: And if they bring back Avery and do it right...?]
[Ashroe: TEQUILA FOR A MONTH.]
[Sianor: And Hawaiian shirts?]
[Ashroe: And grass skirts. Okay, not at work, but I will get one for home and dance for you in it.]
[Sianor: I can't... breathe...]
[Ashroe: Epi-pen?]
[Sianor: No... you! Oh god, I love you, you know?]
[Ashroe: I know.]
[Sianor: Bitch.]
&nbs
p; [Ashroe: 110% baby.]
[Sianor: Annnnnnd bam. Done.]
[Ashroe: Do you watch the end credits?]
[Sianor: Normally, no. Why?]
[Ashroe: Me either. Unless I'm at the cinema. Then I stay and watch all the names... also so I can see the list of music used.]
[Sianor: Why do you watch the names?]
[Ashroe: When you've been writing as long as I have, you get fed up of naming people. I once called someone Insertnamehere in a document and forgot to change it. Hehe.]
[Sianor: OMFG.]
[Ashroe: Do Baby Names sites realise most people are on there to name side characters?]
[Sianor: At least Mission gives you a theme to follow.]
[Ashroe: I know. Or I would literally be slapping keys and then inserting a couple of extra vowels every time we needed a new original character.]
[Sianor: And when you have to name an OC for the - like - one scene they are in, because 'dude' is just... yeah.]
[Ashroe: We have to have that in at some point. Sometimes I even come up with little backstories for the guys we only have in for a moment.]
[Sianor: The Adventures of Whatsname and Crapanotheroc.]
[Ashroe: Attorneys at Law! In SPACE.]
[Sianor: Aww... episode all go bye-bye.]
[Ashroe: Sniffffff.]
[Sianor: So... bed time now?]
[Ashroe: Yeah... you want to say goodnight over voice?]
[Sianor: No camera, I am in... well. Not pretty clothes.]
[Ashroe: No clothes?]
[Sianor: Pervert.]
[Ashroe: You love it. Okay... accept the call...]
[Ashroe.Writer calling. Answer? Decline?]
***
Chapter Six - Mission: Dispersion
"Saidhe, we cannot just leave the Captain!"
"You know as well as I do that we can't hold that cargo bay indefinitely. Either they'll storm with superior numbers, or... use gas or something completely overpowering."
"But the Captain!"
"Was furthest forwards, and ordered us to run. Loap, I don't like it either, but if we're all captured or killed then it's game over."
Saidhe pulled him into the storage bay. "Get in."
The little ship she and Biann had made using parts of Avery's home was still holed up. 'For emergencies', the Captain had said, and this seemed to be just such a situation.