by DC Bastien
As she walked over to the window, she thought about it. If she was the Za, she would have real power. Real, tangible power. Although the Za was increasingly dwarfed by extra-planetary and Ur law, he or she was still respected as the head of the Sianar. If she wanted to push for change, for a genuine difference in the way Sianar interacted with other species (especially the Roq) she could do it. She could make real headway, and reach more people than she would on a small ship, flying around poorer planets.
Heavens, but she'd thought she'd left all this behind! It was supposed to be Eru. Eru had always had deigns on the throne. She and Cil had always been content to dream their dreams. Kre had known that one day one of them would be named the new Za-in-waiting, but it had all seemed so far away. When Cil died, it... it had shaken her.
...and when her father didn't immediately name Eru, when Kre left...
There was a polite knock at the door, and she went to answer it, her mind whirling still.
***
[Ashroe: I never thought of it like that. Like a transgender, almost. Not feeling like you're the right species.]
[Sianor: Now don't get all 'oh noes, furries' on me... but I have been researching the anthro side of it all.]
[Ashroe: You know I was just joking with all the furry stuff, right?]
[Sianor: I know :) But there's lots of people who feel like they are the wrong species, or like they have some animal-spirit.]
[Ashroe: What, like werewolves?]
[Sianor: Sort of, but there's different levels of it. Some people feel like they're literally born in the wrong genus, others just feel... affinity? I guess it's similar to how you might consider yourself to really be your starsign.]
[Ashroe: And for the Chinese, your starsign is an animal.]
[Sianor: Good point! But there's the whole history of shamans with animal pelts, of the Clever Owl, the Sly Fox, the Loyal Dog. There's traits we see in animals, and it's sometimes just a way of identifying yourself.]
[Ashroe: It goes back to the gender thing. We like having labels for everything, don't we? 'I'm male'. 'I'm a wolf'. It's never 'I'm me, and I'm into other humans with large bumps on the front, and I like to be part of a co-operative group, and I enjoy the music with the yelling'.]
[Sianor: Words are how we communicate, though. It's short-hand for something else.]
[Ashroe: If we didn't have a word for a concept, we'd either not think about it, or invent the word?]
[Sianor: Yes! And we like to have the labels so that we can quickly get across an idea to someone. Yes, there might be a teacup, a mug, a glass, a tumbler... so you might want to specify which kind of thing you want, even though it's all just a kind of cup.]
[Ashroe: But the reality is that sometimes our labels get confused?]
[Sianor: Yes! Like, we have 'male' and I guess that originally meant dangly bits. But all this other stuff became caught up with it, so people want to think 'male' but they don't want to consider the genitals as part of that. Not to mention there's more than just dangly and inny bits, now. Not as common, but there are people with mixed gender bits.]
[Ashroe: I like it.]
[Sianor: Stereotypes aren't... bad per se. I mean, they can be hurtful if you use them incorrectly, but they're sometimes based in fact. Like, er, British people drink tea.]
[Ashroe: Most of us do.]
[Sianor: So we might offer tea if you came over. But we wouldn't, like, just put it in front of you without asking.]
[Ashroe: It's still kind of sad that she feels so distanced from her own heritage that she would rather be a completely different species. What's wrong with being a scientific Sianar?]
[Sianor: She's still young. Maybe she'll learn some ;)]
[Ashroe: Have you been taking Pop Psych classes?]
[Sianor: Not in a while. I just... she just came out with it, OK?]
[Ashroe: I know that feeling. All of a sudden they blurt out what's been bugging them for ages, and you're all - well THANKS for that.]
[Sianor: Poor precious woobie.]
***
Waith was waiting for her, of course. Kre had long been impressed by her Maister's self-discipline because he slept very little for a Hleen. She'd asked him why, once, and he'd said it was chance, nothing more.
She thought that was, perhaps, not entirely true.
Her old teacher still wore the same slightly-stiff fabrics, not too opulent, but not too shabby, either. His head-scarf was neatly decorated, and the bow-strings were kept pinned into place. She fought back a smile when she saw he still wore the one she'd bought for him, when she'd left his tutelage. Perhaps he'd put it back on, when he'd heard she was coming. She hoped not.
"Kre," the Hleen said, his voice as lilting and soft as ever. "Good morning."
"Good morning, Maister," she replied, with a deferential flick of her ears. "Biann will need more rest."
"I'm happy to let her sleep. You must have had a challenging day, yesterday."
"Indeed."
"Would you like to discuss it?"
Kre nodded, and they walked together. As they went, she noticed his stride was shorter, his breath more laboured. He did well to hide it, but she could tell he was feeling his age. He had to be well into his dotage, now, because he'd been close to the normal age of retirement when they had met so many years ago.
"Do you truly work for Nessin?" she asked, as they walked.
"I do."
"May I ask: why?"
"Retirement did not suit me, Kre. I may not be the spry man I once was, but I never enjoyed writing papers."
"And reading them was not enough?"
"I'm a teacher, child. It's who I am. If I am not teaching, then... then I am not me."
She could understand that. If she wasn't bringing the scientific method to people, she would feel... lost. It just felt right to do it, like it was why she existed. And to not-do what you were made for... it felt like a waste.
"So you teach for Nessin?"
"I do. I mostly come in to assist in brainstorming sessions, to give a fresh perspective. I also assist in coaching. It is... different. Challenging, in its own way. Sometimes I feel that my work is transient, because I do not stay with the projects I am there to invigorate. I see glimpses, but never the whole picture."
"And you are happy, Maister?"
"I am. We cannot have everything we wish for, but if we get enough of the things we need, then we should be content." His eyes never turned, his attention still on their walk. "And you?"
"Yes. Yes, I... I am."
"There is a hesitation in your tone, Kre."
"I... am not sure how to voice my thoughts, Maister."
"It was always difficult for you, but you got there in the end. Be patient. I have time."
He'd been the first person she'd ever confided in, other than Cil. Cil had been so open-hearted that you could have told him anything, and he'd have been there with a comforting lick. You could have told him you planned on bashing his brains out, and he'd still have tried to make you smile.
"I am still thinking it through," she admitted. "I enjoy my mission. I like taking analytical thinking to the masses. I... also feel like I only catch glimpses, rather than the whole."
"Because you are migratory? Peripatetic?"
She nodded. "But I cannot settle. I... need to move."
"Why is that?"
"Because if I stayed still for too long, the chance that I might be... discovered increases."
"Why?"
"Because... because I might slip up. I might say something. Or those who wish to harm me might find a sitting target easier to hit."
"But are you happy?"
She had been. She had to admit, she had been. To begin with, it had been fraught. She hadn't known there was a Roq on the crew, and his icy hostility had almost made her tuck tail and run. But she'd persevered, telling herself that she could stay until they got her somewhere better, somewhere nicer... and... and then she just sort of didn't want to leave.
They were like fam
ily, the crew of the Messenger. Even Mes herself - maybe even especially Mes. Biann and her incessant cheeriness. Saidhe and her clever, sharp mind. Peters with his devotion to what was right. Vadim with his big heart. And Loap? Loap was reserved, much like she was. It had taken a long time for them to understand one another, but she really thought that with him she'd actually done the barrier-breaking that she'd said she wanted so badly. It was fine being a pacifist and a revolutionary in theory, but you had to actually put it into practice, not just talk about it.
"Yes," she said. "Other than the assassination attempts. I am happy. I want to go back to my ship, with my crew."
"Interesting," he said. "And yet you still went to Raboros?"
"My father is still my father. I am forever in his debt for all he has given me. I just... I do not think I can be the leader he wishes me to be."
"What makes you so sure of that?"
"I don't want to!" It was blurted out with a little more force than perhaps she meant, but when it was out, she realised it was out for a reason. "I'm sorry. I... don't. I'm not a leader, Maister. I'm not that Sianar."
Waith smiled the smile he would, when he knew more than his student. The one that would infuriate and terrify her, in equal measure. "Who of us are?"
"My father," she replied, at once. "He's born for it. It's his calling."
"Only because you have never seen him not be the Za."
Her nose wrinkled at that. "No. He was already the Za before he partnered with my mother."
"Do you think he was always as wise as he is now?"
"...no. But... he is... he is leaderly."
"I see. Well, he doesn't plan on ceasing to be the Za soon. It is not as if you would need to be ready right now."
"I'm not sure I could ever be ready at all, Maister," she confessed. "It... it's... terrifying."
"Didn't you say the same thing about calculus?"
That made her pause. "This is much more imposing than calculus."
"Now, it is. Because you understand calculus, and you do not yet understand being a leader. I am not saying that you must, or that you should; just that you could, if you wanted to. The doubt you feel... that's not entirely a weakness. The drive you have to do a job well, to perform it properly, is a strength."
It might be so, but there were other, more selfish reasons. "Yes, Maister," she said, not wanting to sound like a petulant child.
"You'll know what to do, when it's time. I trust your judgement, Kre. So does your father."
She made a rude noise at that. "I wish he did. If he did, he wouldn't be asking me to be his heir."
***
[Ashroe: Isn't there a quote about not giving power to the people who want it?]
[Sianor: More than one!]
[Ashroe: I'm torn. On one hand, I think that some people who seek power... yes they are nuts, and they need to be contained. On the other hand, if it's really someone who doesn't want the job, will they be good? Will they be committed? Or will they freak out and screw it all up?]
[Sianor: Balance, in all things?]
[Ashroe: Meden agan. Nothing to excess.]
[Sianor: Oh, foreign words!]
[Ashroe: Greek, actually.]
[Sianor: Still... monarchy sort of worked back when you actually needed to be good at fighting and shit to survive. Like, the dude who could stab the most dudes and get other people to stab dudes for him would win. And then his bitches would all be safe.]
[Ashroe: ...that is the most beautiful Divine Right Of Kings I ever read.]
[Sianor: Aww. Thanks!]
[Ashroe: I can't see our current monarch shivving a bitch up. Well, maybe. She's more the 'snap fingers and have my valet do it' type.]
[Sianor: I'm now imagining the Queen with a switch-blade. Some things can't be unseen.]
[Ashroe: Hey, our Queen is totes down with the kids. She probably tags mean graffiti, too. If graffiti is cool. I don't know.]
[Sianor: I think kik is cool. Or is that just here?]
[Ashroe: I bet she totally trolls her kids. And she talks to her grandkids, and gets them to show her how to be all technical and they're all like who let HRH on the laptop again?]
[Sianor: Don't make me write royal RPF!]
[Ashroe: I think it might actually be treason, still. Like shooting swans.]
[Sianor: Shooting... swans?]
[Ashroe: Yeah, they all belong to her, or something. And maybe some deer, too. I can honestly say I have never shot bird nor beast, though.]
[Sianor: Hey!! We should do that when you're here!]
[Ashroe: Shoot swans and deer?]
[Sianor: No! Targets! We could go to a range and just fire at targets. We could even pretend it was a sexy training montage!]
[Ashroe: Is this before or after the icecream date?]
[Sianor: I don't know!]
[Ashroe: Wow, you really are excited about guns. Definitely American.]
[Sianor: Hey! You like guns, too.]
[Ashroe: I do. It's just that you're easy to wind up.]
[Sianor: You need to come up with ideas, too.]
[Ashroe: What, the big hotel and the con tickets weren't enough? Yeesh. Anyway... maybe I do, and it's all a surprise?]
[Sianor: You could totally pretend you had a plan and hide it.]
[Ashroe: You'd never know. Until the date opened, it would be like Schrödinger's Play Book.]
[Sianor: Stop trying to dazzle me with book learnings.]
[Ashroe: Darn. Okay... I do have a few ideas. I've been researching the place we're staying. But I'm less of a plan-person and more of a 'let's have some ideas handy and then see what happens' person.]
[Sianor: Alright. I... I guess I like plans. Itineraries. I like to know what's coming so I can gear up for it, and get excited for it. Although... when I feel too sick to make it, I get super let down :(]
[Ashroe: Well, I'm pretty chill. Even if our first date is me holding your hair back while you chunder, and then watching some crappy film on the telly, I'll be happy.]
[Sianor: I really hope I don't end up throwing up when we meet, but I might be so nervous it happens anyway!]
[Ashroe: Why? You know me inside and out as it is. More than I think anyone but my mother did, once upon a time. I'm no monster.]
[Sianor: I know, it's just... you're coming from so far away. And I worry that it will go wrong and waste your money.]
[Ashroe: Money is there for wasting. I mean, if my bills are all paid... then why not? You're great as a friend anyway. If we don't click... in other ways... I won't feel like I wasted my time. I just want to spend time with a great friend, and a wickedly delicious thinker.]
[Sianor: So you love me for my brain?]
[Ashroe: Mmm. Delicious brains.]
[Sianor: Oh... shoo!]
***
"Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Biann," Kre insisted. "She is my travelling companion, and my friend."
"Perhaps you might be happy with her knowing all your secrets, Kre, but I am not acquainted with her."
"You are not truly acquainted with me, either. We met, but that was a long time ago. You are now rather influential, I see."
Biann narrowed her eyes, content to just listen. She wasn't actually sure she'd be of any practical use in this conversation, but clearly it was either a matter of principle, or a matter of moral support. She could do the strong, silent type if it helped.
"I am," Nessin agreed, "but I was before. It's just that I've... blossomed, now."
They were all sitting on lazy chairs on a balcony, high up above the foot traffic below. Nessin was picking at some sweet bread, and Biann wanted to eat some, too, but Kre had declined. Her stomach was wishing she was less paranoid and more self-serving, clenching like a fist inside her.
"Why are we here? And where are my friends?"
"I have my best people looking for them," Nessin replied, licking at the traces of fruit jam that had spread over her digits. "The other Hleen and the Roq took an unsanc
tioned vehicle out from the docking yard, and the Human attacked several Ur officials. He's got multiple warrants out for his arrest."
"Why would he run from the Ur?" Biann asked. "He's done nothing wrong. None of us have!"
"Everyone's done something wrong," Nessin said, waving a hand loosely. "Some have done worse things than others. And whatever he did to begin with, attacking officers in pursuit of their duties? Fleeing? Well. Ur tend to keep to themselves. They look out for their own. And they won't take his insult lying down."
"I still wish to know under what grounds he was initially approached," Kre pushed. "The Captain is very careful to stay within the rule of law. We... travelled with a Judge. He knows the Ur well."
"Knowing isn't the same as doing, Kre. Didn't the Maister teach you that?" Nessin made an expansive gesture, and then reclined again. "Well. I haven't found that out. It would be illegal of me to interfere with galactic law enforcement."
"And having us here?"
"There's no warrants out for you, if that's what you're asking."
"Nessin, can we please just speak plainly?" Kre asked. "What is it you want from me? Surely if you can find out what you have, if you can track me and my friend down and whisk us away under the authorities' nose, then you have means. You have means, and you have motive. What is it?"