by Isabel Wolff
‘My God, he’s apologised to me,’ I said wonderingly, feeling my face crease into a huge smile.
‘Well make sure you get more money out of him after all this,’ Theo advised me. ‘At least an extra twenty per cent.’
‘Five,’ said Ricky the next morning.
‘Twenty,’ I repeated sweetly.
‘That’s a bit steep.’
‘I don’t care. My feelings have been hurt, my reputation savaged, and my word widely disbelieved.’
‘Ten, then.’ Screw you, I thought. I turned and began to walk out of his office. ‘Fourteen.’ My hand sprang to the door. ‘Fifteen?’ I opened it and stepped outside. ‘Oh all right then! Sixteen.’ I was going for broke. ‘Seventeen and a half?’ he shouted querulously. ‘Okay, okay, twenty per cent it is.’
I turned round. ‘Thanks, Ricky. And the same for Beverley?’
‘Why?’
‘In recognition of the fact that she doesn’t just do the admin, she also drafts some of the replies.’
He sighed. ‘Yeah, okay, then. As it’s her.’
‘And she gets a transport allowance to cover her taxis?’
He nodded. ‘Here,’ he said, pushing the contract at me. ‘Sign on the dotted line. Another year with a month’s notice on either side, not that we’d want you to leave. You’re just about the best known agony aunt in the country now. Our sales have shot right up.’
As I walked back to my desk I was surprised to realise that I didn’t feel elated by my new contract, just relieved that I wouldn’t have to sell my house.
‘How did it go?’ Beverley asked. I told her. She was thrilled.
‘HR are drawing up your contract right now.’ Suddenly my phone rang. ‘Daily Post Problem Page,’ I said cheerfully.
‘Rose?’ My heart did a flick-flack. ‘It’s Ed.’
‘Oh; Ed, hi,’ I managed to say casually, as my stomach churned and lurched like a tumble dryer. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m fine. But I’ve just seen the papers and I simply wanted to say, well, that I’m glad at the way things have turned out. I mean, you’re still my wife…’
‘For the time being,’ I said defensively.
‘For the time being—yes—and I’ve hated seeing you got at like that. I know how much your job means to you and well, I’m glad you’ve got it back.’
I distractedly pulled out my pen tray, and two bits of stray Confettimail fluttered out. ‘Thank you, Ed,’ I said as they spiralled gracefully to the floor, like sycamore seeds. ‘That’s very kind of you.’ I picked one of them up and studied it. CSThinkAU… And now there was an awkward silence in which it wasn’t clear who was going to hang up first. ‘Anyway, I’d better get back to work,’ I said. ‘I’m pretty busy.’
‘Oh, of course. I mean, you’ve probably got a letter from Posh Spice to deal with,’ he said with a slightly forced laugh.
‘Mick Jagger actually.’
‘Ha ha ha ha ha!’
‘And Gwyneth Paltrow.’
‘Of course.’
‘So…goodbye then, Ed.’
‘Goodbye, Rose.’
‘Goodbye…’
‘Goodbye.’
‘Have we done saying goodbye yet, Ed?’
‘Er, yes we have.’
‘Because you’re still there.’
‘Oh. Well, um, that’s because—there’s something I’ve just remembered.’
‘Yes?’I fiddled with the biros in my pen pot. ‘And what’s that?’
‘Well,’ he said nervously. ‘I’ve been doing some clearing out lately and I discovered some stuff of yours and I wondered if you’d, er…if you’d er…’
‘Yes?’
‘…like me to bring it round?’
Chapter 17
On Wednesday evening, at seven, I discreetly watched for Ed out of my bedroom window, my stomach in knots, my chest heaving like an accordion, and at five past his company BMW pulled up. He got out, beeped open the boot and took out a large cardboard box. As I heard the squeak of the gate I looked in the mirror, slowed my pulse with some deep breaths, then went downstairs and opened the door. There he was, looking devastating, in cream chinos and a navy blazer and an open necked chequered shirt. But there were dark shadows beneath his expressive brown eyes, as though he hadn’t been sleeping well.
‘This is very kind of you,’ I said civilly. ‘You shouldn’t have.’ I peered into the box. ‘You really shouldn’t have!’ I repeated with a laugh. ‘You should have taken it to Oxfam instead!’ There was a hideous painting I’d bought in Rome, an ugly ceramic pot I’d made at an evening class, my old Doctor Who videos, some school files, and a dozen or so vinyl LPs.
‘Well, I thought some of it might have special sentimental value,’ he said gently.
‘Well thanks. Actually, it does. Where did you find it all?’
‘In the attic.’
‘Oh yes. I’d forgotten I’d put it up there.’ He handed me the box, and we stood smiling at each other awkwardly, like teenagers at a school disco. The tension was making my jaw ache.
‘Er. Do you want to come in?’
‘Well,’ he said diffidently. ‘If you’re sure it’s convenient.’
‘Yes. I’m not working.’
‘You’re not?’
‘No.’
‘I thought you worked all the time.’
‘Not any more. I’ve got this fabulous new assistant, Beverley, who helps me draft the replies so that cuts my work load in half.’
‘Gosh, well, that’s great,’ Ed beamed. I put the box down in the hall, and Ed came inside. I looked at his aquiline nose, his fine, sculpted lips, and the two deep curving lines, etched, like brackets, into either side of his mouth.
‘How’s Rudy?’ he asked politely as he followed me into the kitchen.
‘Oh, he’s fine. He was stolen, but returned a month later as they couldn’t stand the noise. You see he speaks now.’
‘Really? What does he say?’
‘All sorts of things, none of it wildly original.’ I peered into his cage. ‘He’s asleep, he did a lot of talking today so he’s tired, but he’ll wake up by and by. Would you like a drink?’ I added. ‘You’re driving so you can either have one glass of wine or—’ I rummaged in the fridge ‘—one of these.’ I held up a bottle of beer.
‘I didn’t know you were a beer drinker, Rose,’ he said as he sat down at the table.
‘I’m not really, they’re Theo’s, but we share stuff—he won’t mind.’
‘And, er, who is Theo exactly?’
‘My flatmate. He’s an astronomer; his book’s coming out in May. It’s called Heavenly Bodies—a Popular Guide to the Stars and Planets,’I explained, surprised to feel my heart swell with a kind of pride. ‘He knows all about asteroids and spiral galaxies and lunar occultations,’ I added. ‘Theo’s great.’
‘And, um, how old is he?’
‘Twenty-nine.’
‘Oh.’ A look of relief seemed to flicker across Ed’s face. I flipped the lid off his beer. ‘And where is he now?’
‘At the Royal Astronomical Society, giving a lecture on meteor showers. He’s an absolutely mesmerising speaker. I’ve been to hear him a couple of times.’
‘I see. Nice house,’ Ed said affably, glancing round. ‘It’s got style.’
‘It’s not nearly as big and smart as yours of course, but then you can’t have everything.’
‘How many bedrooms have you got?’
‘Three.’
‘So it’s about, what…1500 square feet?’
‘Haven’t a clue.’
‘And there’s a garden?’
‘Just a small one: semi-paved.’ I saw Ed’s eyes range along the cluttered work-top. ‘Sorry, the kitchen’s a bit of a mess. I haven’t got round to tidying up much lately, what with being pilloried in the national press. In any case Theo and I seem to live in cheerful chaos a lot of the time,’ I added airily. Ed looked at me as though I were ill.
‘You’ve changed, Rose,�
� he said quietly. He shook his head as if in disbelief. ‘You seem so…different somehow.’
‘Really?’ I said vaguely. ‘Yes…maybe I have. It’s probably the Camberwell effect. It’s all very relaxed and Bohemian around here. Are you hungry by the way? I was about to cook something.’
‘What?’ Ed nearly spat out his beer.
‘Would you like something to eat?’I reiterated. ‘I could make a quick risotto.’
‘Oh, well, that would be great. But, Rose,’ he said wonderingly, ‘you never cooked anything before.’
‘No. I didn’t know how. But Theo’s taught me to make a few things. He’s a brilliant cook,’ I added warmly as I got down the packet of arborio rice. ‘He’s an astronomer and a gastronomer,’ I explained with a smile. ‘So our marriage guidance counsellor has moved on I hear?’I said as I fished out a saucepan.
‘Who told you that?’
‘I just heard. What happened?’ I asked with friendly curiosity as I got out the chopping board.
‘Oh,’he sighed, as I began to cut up a small onion, ‘it wouldn’t be gallant of me to say.’
‘Go on, Ed, tell me.’
‘No. Well, all right then. She just…got on my nerves.’
‘I must say she got on mine too, but I thought you were rather keen. She did move in with you, after all.’
‘She was only there for a couple of months.’
‘I see. So why did she annoy you? Don’t tell me,’ I said as I got out the butter, ‘she was short with you!’
He pulled a face. ‘Honestly, Rose, she wasn’t that small. Everyone’s short to you because you’re so tall.’
‘I know,’I said, ‘it’s mean of me. Especially as she must be feeling rather low,’ I snorted.
‘C’mon, Rose.’
‘And let’s face it she doesn’t need me cutting her down to size!’ I guffawed. ‘No really, Ed, tell me, seriously, what was the problem with her?’
‘She…well, she just complained all the time.’
‘About what?’
‘Oh, all sorts of things. It ground me down and I wasn’t happy, so in the end I asked her to leave.’
I turned and looked at him. ‘You dumped her?’
He reddened. ‘Yes. Yes. I did.’ Oh well, I thought as I lightly sweated the onion. It was a minor deception. Male pride and all that. ‘Anyway, I don’t really want to talk about it,’ he added ruefully. ‘It’s over.’
‘All right. I won’t ask any more. So how’s your mum then?’ I enquired changing the subject.
‘She’s fine.’
‘And the others?’
‘They’re…fine too.’ He seemed to hesitate for a second, ‘not that I see them that much.’
‘I always thought that was a shame,’ I said as I tipped in the rice. ‘I was partly attracted to you because of your huge family, not having any siblings myself. And what about Jon?’ I added. ‘The one who sent us that lovely alabaster lamp when we got married.’
Ed shifted uncomfortably. ‘I think he’s…okay. I haven’t seen him for years, Rose. You know that. We had our…differences.’
‘Oh yes. You did tell me.’ As I say, they’d fallen out about money and hadn’t spoken for over six years. I’d seen a photo of Jon once at Ed’s mother’s—he taught History at a school in Hull.
‘Thanks for returning the divorce papers,’ I went on as I sloshed half a glass of white wine into the pan. ‘And thanks for the Valentine too.’ I smiled at him over my shoulder, as I steadily stirred the rice. ‘I kept finding bits of confetti for days. You are a dark horse, Ed. I had no idea it was from you. I thought it was from my stalker.’
‘Your stalker?’ He looked horrified.
‘Well, not really, he was just a bit of a pest. I was furious when I thought it was from him, but then I realised it was from you. I must say I was very intrigued.’
‘How did you guess?’ he asked, a tiny smile at his lips.
‘It was something you said at the twins’ launch. You said you couldn’t stop thinking about me, and I suddenly twigged.’ I turned my back to him again as I continued to stir the steaming risotto. A rich aroma filled the air.
‘Well, it’s true, Rose,’I heard him say, quietly. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. And I miss you. You’re still my wife after all.’
‘For the time being,’ I said coolly as I poured in some stock.
‘Yes, I know. For the time being. And when I saw you at the ball I was longing to talk to you, but somehow I’d got myself caught up with Mary-Claire. She’d have gone ballistic if I’d spoken to you, so I just had to watch you from afar. And I thought, that’s my wife, that amazing-looking woman over there; she’s my wife, and she’s dancing with someone else. Who, er, was he by the way?’ he added carefully as I washed the salad.
‘That was Theo.’
‘Theo? Oh. I see. So, are you…?’
‘Are we what? Oh…no,’I said. ‘Not that it’s any of your business, Ed—I told you, he’s my flatmate, that’s all. We’re simply happy cohabitees.’
‘You’re obviously on very friendly terms.’
‘We are. I’ve learned a lot from Theo actually.’
‘Like what?’
‘Well, for example, that our galaxy alone is so big, that it takes the sun 225 million years just to go round its centre once. Isn’t that incredible?’
‘Mmm,’ he said furrowing his brow.
‘Just think, the last time it completed a full circuit the first dinosaurs were roaming the earth. I wonder what the planet will be like 225 million years from now?’ I mused.
‘I wonder,’ he said in a bored kind of way.
‘I’ve learned that there are galaxies which actually steal stars from neighbouring galaxies.’
‘Really? They should be reported.’
‘And I’ve learned that the Andromeda galaxy is on a direct collision course with our own one. It’s going to crash into the Milky Way in a billion years.’
‘Oh. Well, there goes the neighbourhood.’
I smiled. ‘I’ve also learned that the Hubble telescope is so powerful that it could focus on a single lit match in London from as far away as Tokyo.’ I shook my head. ‘It’s just amazing. It makes you view things in a different way.’
‘Hhhm,’ he said. ‘But I don’t want to talk about astronomy, Rose, I want to talk about us.’ And now, as I warmed the plates, and laid the table, I heard Ed’s voice as if in a dream.
‘Just wish we could put the clock back…got ourselves in a mess…I behaved like a complete jerk, Rose…but I felt so neglected by you… And I tried to tell you but you wouldn’t listen…you were completely obsessed. I wanted you to take notice of me,’ he concluded. ‘But you wouldn’t, so I decided I’d make you, and Mary-Claire was very pushy and so…’
‘It’s true, I did neglect you,’ I admitted as I took the risotto off the heat. ‘I wasn’t very wifely, was I?’
‘Well, to be honest, no. And you were so difficult to live with.’
‘Yes, I probably was.’
‘It was as though you didn’t really like living with me. You were so unrelaxed.’
Suddenly, Rudy woke up and began to shake his wings.
‘Ed, I’ve told you to take your shoes off when you come in!’ he shouted in my voice.
‘I was difficult,’ I said with a laugh.
‘You’re a fucking nightmare!’ Rudy shouted in Ed’s voice now. Ed’s face was a mask of horror.
‘Did I really talk to you like that?’
‘You did, but then you were rather provoked. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good spouse,’ I said as I sprinkled parmesan shavings onto the rice. ‘You deserved better, but I just got so engrossed in the new job.’ I tossed the salad then we sat down to eat, saying nothing for a minute or two. Just sitting opposite each other, having dinner together in a way we’d rarely done before.
‘Rose,’ he said quietly. ‘I know I don’t have the right to ask you this, but have you met anyone else yet?’I stared at
him. Why should I tell him? ‘Have you met anyone else?’ he pressed me.
‘Well, hhhm. No. Not yet. Why do you ask?’
‘Because, well…I’d like to put the divorce on hold, that’s why. That’s really what I came round to say.’
‘Why didn’t you say it over the phone?’
He rested his left hand on the table, then drew in his breath.
‘Because I knew it was something I could only do face to face. Getting the divorce papers was just terrible,’ he went on dismally. ‘It took me ages to sign them because I simply didn’t want to.’ So that was why he’d delayed. ‘And then seeing you attacked in the press like that made me feel so awful; and it made me realise how much you still mean to me. I wanted to protect you, but I couldn’t. Please, Rose, can’t we try again? Please, Rose,’ he repeated softly. ‘I still love you, and I feel we never really gave ourselves a proper chance. We married far too quickly and then it all imploded, and you left, and I haven’t been happy since. Have you been happy, Rose?’ I looked into his warm, brown eyes, and felt something inside me shift. ‘Have you?’ he repeated quietly.
‘Not really, Ed. I’ve just coped. I’ve done what I advise my heartbroken readers to do. I’ve put on my clothes in the morning and I’ve gone to work and I’ve tried to block you right out.’ Now I remembered the little exorcism ceremony I’d done six months before. I’d tried to flush Ed away but he kept popping back—and now here he was. ‘I flushed my wedding ring down the loo,’I told him. He winced as though he’d been given a slap. ‘I wanted to cut you right out of my heart.’
‘Haven’t you missed me?’ he asked.
‘Yes. Of course I have. It was just so terrible to start with—it was torture—but my anger kept my feelings at bay.’
‘And are you still angry with me?’He put down his fork. Was I still angry with him?
‘No. Not now.’ He smiled and then exhaled with relief.
‘Then do you think we could start seeing each other again, just taking it day by day, and see if we can’t give ourselves another chance?’