by K. A. Linde
“Maggie and I weren’t together two years ago,” I told her.
“I saw her in your bed, Austin! The day before Valentine’s Day!”
“I know you did. I won’t deny that she was there, and she was there to seduce me. That we’d been together as fuck buddies for a couple of years. And all of that.” I held my palms up in front of me. “But we didn’t hook up when you and I were together, and I wasn’t with her that day.”
“Then, what was she doing there?” Julia asked. Her voice was still as icy as a glacier, but at least she was listening to me.
“Exactly what you suspect she was doing there. She showed up as a surprise for me for Valentine’s Day. Mags doesn’t really care who she hurts when she wants something. She was dating someone then, too.”
“Don’t call her Mags,” Julia snapped.
“I’m not going to try to justify what happened two years ago. I was an ass. I let you believe the worst about Maggie and me even though nothing was going on.”
“You let me believe it.” She snorted and glanced off at the horizon. “You didn’t even tell me about Maggie. You let me find her!”
“To be fair, I didn’t know she was going to be there when we showed up at my place.”
“That’s not fair! That’s bullshit. We dated for six weeks and not one word about any ex-girlfriends. Not one!”
“Did you tell me about any of your exes?” I shot back. I ran a hand back through my hair in frustration. “We didn’t exactly have the who-was-the-last-person-you-fucked conversation. We were too busy enjoying our lives and moving on.”
Julia didn’t meet my eyes and seemed to be contemplating what to say. Eventually, she just shook her head. “I hate this. I hate arguing with you.”
“You do?” I asked skeptically.
“I hate it when it’s about this shit. It was two years ago. I’d thought I was over it. But then I saw Maggie standing there so casually while you talked to her, and I just lost it. I’m not over Maggie. I don’t like seeing you two together. I’ll never be okay with that.”
“I think that’s totally understandable. I was telling her to leave. I don’t want her there.”
She sighed. “But she’s always going to be there. Lubbock isn’t small, but it’s small enough. With my luck, we’re going to run into her again.”
“I can’t guarantee that you’ll never see her again. Unfortunately, Patrick is talking to Mindi again, and that’s her new roommate.”
“Maggie and Mindi?” Julia asked with an exaggerated eye roll. “Great. Now, I’m going to hate M and Ms.”
I took a step forward and reached for Julia. She yanked her arm back and shook her head. Things were not good.
Once again, I had fucked up.
The first time had been when she found out about my drinking. She’d gone home to Ohio for Christmas, pissed at me for not revealing my bad habits. I’d shrugged it off, like it didn’t matter, and she’d gotten irrationally pissed at me.
When she’d come home, she’d decided to give us a try again. Then, Maggie had happened.
Now, here I was again, with my old issues hindering me from moving forward all over again.
“I don’t care if you hate them both. I’m telling you that, two years ago, I was so afraid of my feelings for you that I let you believe that Maggie and I had been together rather than admitting how I was feeling.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!”
“I know,” I said. I couldn’t tell her why it made sense to me in my fucked up head. But it did. It had at the time at least. “But I told you I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes. I want us to work, Jules.”
“And you haven’t seen Maggie since we’ve been together?” she asked hesitantly.
I shook my head. “That was the first time I’d seen her in weeks.”
“Sounds familiar.”
“It’s not the same. I don’t want Maggie. I want nothing to do with her. She doesn’t understand the first thing about me. She tried to offer me a beer, for fuck’s sake.”
Julia leaned toward me, as if the very thought of tempting a recovering alcoholic made her visibly nauseated. “She didn’t!”
“Well, she doesn’t know that I’m not drinking like I was before. She thought I was joking.”
“That’s shitty.”
“You get me.” I reached out and took her hand this time. “You help me. We work together. I’m not afraid to admit how I feel now. You have to believe that I wouldn’t let Maggie come between us a second time.”
I threaded our fingers together. She stared down at our clasped hands. Mine were so much bigger than her small, delicate hands. I was just relieved that she hadn’t pulled away.
“I don’t know how to explain this, Austin. I feel like a crazy person for getting so worked up, but I’m so worried about the future. I want a future with you. I want to believe that’s possible.”
“It is,” I insisted.
“And it’s not so much that Maggie is here. It’s a public place. She could show up anywhere, I suppose. It’s more the trend. My fear is that the past will repeat itself. Then, I’ll be the idiot for falling for it twice.” She stroked her thumb up my hand. “Seeing her brought all my old fears to the surface. I don’t want Maggie to be a backup plan.”
“She’s not.”
She took a deep breath and then expelled it. “I’m sorry I freaked out like that.”
“No need to apologize. If I saw you with Trevor, I’d probably blow a gasket, too.”
She wrinkled her nose. “You cannot be jealous of Trevor. He’s so…Trevor.”
“Insanely jealous.”
“No way.”
“The thought of putting my fist through his face did cross my mind every time I saw him.”
Her big brown eyes rounded. “I never would have guessed. You always acted like you didn’t care.”
“I pushed you away. I hurt you. I figured seeing you with someone like that was my punishment.”
“What about the times you came on to me?”
I shrugged unapologetically. “Usually, I was drunk enough to let my feelings show.”
“You have a funny way of showing that you like me.”
“I do.” I nodded my head back toward the house. I was glad that this conversation hadn’t completely dissolved. There was no fucking way I was going to lose her over Maggie again. Not when things had been going so well. “Want to head back in?”
She sighed. “Is she going to still be there?”
“I can get Jensen on it. He’s the fixer.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I should just go.”
“Jules…”
“It was a wake-up call. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her motives. I think, if she feels threatened, she’ll do stupid shit. I’ve known other girls like her. I don’t want any part of it.”
I slipped my hand up to her cheek and memorized every inch of her beautiful face. “Then, I’ll leave with you.”
“Don’t you have family stuff?”
“Screw family stuff.”
“No, Austin,” she said with a resigned sigh as she disentangled herself from me. “I think I want to be alone.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Are we okay?”
“We’re fine,” she said, repeating the mantra I’d said every time she asked about my drinking.
I didn’t realize how hollow it sounded until that moment.
Eighteen
Julia
We weren’t fine.
Or at least…I wasn’t fine.
Maggie made my skin crawl. Seeing her stupid, flawless face made me go berserk. And, for the last two years, I’d believed that Austin had used me for sex while Maggie was out of town. If he couldn’t get it from his fuck buddy, why not make a new one when she was gone? Easy enough.
I’d been crushed.
It was the first time I had opened my heart since I left Ohio and all my baggage. For a long time, I’d
never thought I’d be interested in letting someone else in. Then, Austin had happened. And then Maggie.
It hurt my head to think about what he had revealed to me in the alleyway. Why wouldn’t he have just broken up with me if he didn’t want to fall for me? Why had he let me believe that he and Maggie were together?
In my experience, if something seemed to make perfect sense, like Maggie and Austin, then it was usually true. But he had been so sincere that he’d used Maggie as an excuse. There had been no waver in his eyes. No flick off to the right. No shifting of his feet.
He had explained the situation in such a calm and collected manner that it seemed as if it was a huge relief to him. That maybe he had been waiting a long time to tell me the truth. Why he had concealed it all in the first place was a mystery to me. I didn’t usually piss off and push away the people I cared about. And he’d claimed no excuse for his actions.
Had he really caught feelings for me and scared himself off?
Either way, I felt stupid for leaving. Heidi would have barged back into that place and put the smackdown on Maggie. I just didn’t want to deal.
So, I drove home and crashed down on the couch after carefully locking the door back up. A text dinged on my phone from Heidi.
Where the hell did you go?
I never told Heidi about what had happened with Austin two years ago. She probably wouldn’t even know who Maggie was. And, if I told her the truth, she might actually find Maggie and do exactly what I’d envisioned.
Austin and I got into a fight.
Again?
Yeah. I think we’re okay. Just…shit with our last breakup.
And that is?
I really don’t want to talk about it.
Okay. Girl time. Emery and I will be there in ten.
Heidi, you don’t have to!
Want to. See you in a minute.
I walked into my room and stripped out of the black dress I’d put on for the event. I was hanging it back up on a hanger when my eyes snagged on olive green amid the layers of black. I grabbed the bomber jacket I’d been looking for, for weeks.
“What the hell?” I grumbled.
Had I overlooked it this whole time? That pissed me off. I couldn’t believe it was here all along. I shook my head. I was seriously losing my mind.
Replacing the jacket, I changed into shorts and an oversize T-shirt. Then, I pulled my hair up into a high pony. Heidi and Emery were prompt. It only took ten minutes to get across town, but they must have booked it.
“Hey,” I said, unlocking the door and letting them inside.
“What the hell happened?” Heidi asked.
Emery patted me on the shoulder, and Heidi pulled me into a hug.
I methodically locked the place back up before turning to face them. I knew it was time. I had to tell them what had happened. And they were going to hate Austin as much as I had for the last two years. Though I was more confused than ever.
So, I spilled the beans. I started at the beginning and didn’t leave anything out. Heidi and Emery were rapt listeners. Both angry and disgusted in the right parts. Both agreeing to go find this Maggie girl and make her regret her decision.
“Okay. So, all this time, you thought that Austin had used you for sex until Maggie got home? Then, he’d cheated on you as soon as she was back?” Heidi asked.
“Yep. Pretty much.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me this? We could have hated on him together.”
“I hardly knew you at the time,” I finally said, sinking into the chair opposite where Heidi and Emery sat on the couch.
“That’s true, Heidi,” Emery cut in. “Even you said you liked to wait a year to make serious friends because so many people leave Lubbock.”
Heidi waved her off. “Okay, fine. But then later?”
“I don’t know. I was embarrassed.” I shrugged off their looks filled with pity. “Do you think he’s telling the truth about Maggie now? That he lied about what had happened and only let me believe that something had happened because he was basically scared of his feelings?”
“That actually sounds like Austin,” Heidi said.
Emery nodded. “Classic Wright behavior.”
“Well, what do I do? I cannot deal with Maggie again.”
“Honestly? I know it’s hard, considering what he put you through in the past, but maybe you should trust him,” Heidi said. “I know; I’m the worst to give this kind of advice. I didn’t trust anything Landon said. I didn’t ever believe he’d divorce Miranda. Not until the evidence was directly in my face. But Austin’s bachelor life is pretty legendary. If he’s willing to try to be with you, I think it’s worth it.”
“To be honest, Julia,” Emery said, “the reason we’ve been so excited about this is because Austin has never really dated. He has flings. And he’s not treating you like a passing dalliance.”
“I want to believe that. I do.” I tilted my head back onto the cushion and stared up at the ceiling. “My life hasn’t always been easy. Trusting people is really difficult for me. After Austin hurt me, it confirmed everything that I’d thought I knew about him. Giving him a second chance was unfathomable.”
“Then, why did you do it?” Heidi asked.
I met her eyes and smiled at the thought of Austin bringing me to the top of the canyon to show me the sunset and Austin walking me around the art gallery on First Friday and Austin losing so bad at carnival games that we got Waffle out of pity and Austin getting me art classes all summer.
“When we’re not at each other’s throats, we’re perfect.”
“Maybe that’s enough?” Emery said.
“Maybe it is.”
Despite my conversation with Heidi and Emery, a bubble had burst. A part of me had cracked when I saw Austin and Maggie together, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Austin had come over after he finished at the Parade of Homes. He’d apologized again for the situation, for the past, for everything. He’d reassured me he wasn’t interested in Maggie. And I even believed him.
He could have Maggie if he wanted. He’d had Maggie for a long time. They had this weird relationship as it was. She wasn’t out of town or anything, so he didn’t have to find a new girlfriend to make up for the lack of sex. And Heidi and Emery were right; when I thought about it, it was clear that he cared for me.
I cared for him.
He cared for me.
Things were good.
But not right.
By the time our art class was rolling around, I wasn’t even sure if I should show up. Though I adored art and people said I had a scrap of talent, I didn’t ever think it was something that just came to me. Not even in college. It’d irritated my professors so much when I turned in something shitty after having no real inspiration and not wanting to draw because I was capable of so much more.
All artists were insane in one way or another. Creativity didn’t grow on trees, but inspiration could strike like lightning.
With a sigh, I changed into loose-fit jeans and a black T-shirt that I didn’t mind getting paint on. Because, let’s be honest, I always got paint on myself.
Austin had said that he’d meet me there after the gym. I didn’t know how he spent so much time there. The idea of going to a gym that often made me break out in hives. So many sweaty bodies and dirty equipment and judgment. My couch was a much better alternative.
Unfortunately, I had to leave the house and my precious couch. I shakily locked up behind me and drove downtown. The studio where Austin had signed me up was in a small brick building on the Art Trail. I parked in the same tow zone Emery had parked in then. There didn’t seem to be anywhere else to park, so I sure hoped this was okay.
Nerves hit me fresh before I even got into the studio. My stomach was in my throat as I stood outside.
What if I forgot how to paint? What if I totally sucked? What if everyone else was amazing and showed me up?
It was ridiculous to even think that. Talent didn’t disappe
ar overnight. I knew that logically in my brain, but logic wasn’t winning. Art was such a solitary endeavor that I couldn’t help but feel intimidated as I strode into the new space.
My eyes swept the open room as a wash of familiarity swept over me. Easels were set up in a circle around a platform with a cliché bowl of fruit at the center. I couldn’t even explain the number of times I’d had to draw a piece of fruit.
“Let me guess,” an African American woman said, approaching me. She had kinky, curly hair that was probably the most amazing thing I’d ever seen and librarian glasses. “Julia?”
“That’s me.”
“Wonderful. I’m Nina. I’ll be teaching this session. Grab a canvas, a palette, and some paints. We’ll get started soon.”
“Thank you.”
I did as I had been told and found a space for both me and Austin. I absentmindedly fiddled with a paintbrush and tried not to make eye contact with anyone, so I wouldn’t have to make small talk. But class time was about to start, and Austin still wasn’t here.
“Is this seat taken?” a Hispanic girl asked. She had stick-straight hair and a great smile.
“Uh…yeah. Sorry.”
“No problem!”
I watched the girl circle the room as I chewed on my nail. A bad habit I’d never gotten rid of. I double-checked my phone. One minute until class time. Austin still wasn’t here.
I shot him a text message.
Hey, where are you? Did you decide not to come to the class? It’s about to start.
I waited another minute, but there was no answer. What the hell? Was he in the car, rushing here, and couldn’t get to his phone? He had a stick shift after all. It was feasible. You weren’t supposed to text while driving. But, still, it seemed strange that he had signed us both up for this class, and now, he wasn’t even going to show.
Not strange…wrong.
Like…what the fuck had he been thinking?
“Hey,” the girl said, having made it back to me. “It looks like this is the only seat left. Is it cool if I sit here?”
“Sure,” I huffed.
I knew I probably should have been friendlier, but getting stood up to an art class Austin had paid for was doing nothing for me. Not a thing.