by Lorin, Terra
And even if he didn’t make me promise, I wouldn’t turn Dad over to the cops. Spence didn’t when Dad was doing this to him before I even knew about it. Why? Because kids don’t turn in their parents no matter how much they hurt them. That’s why parents get away with abusing their kids—because kids don’t tell.
So, Dad loves boys. He didn’t love Laura or me, but he sure loved Spence. But Spence didn’t want Dad’s love in that way—not in the way Dad gave it to him.
Fucking Dad.
Fucking monster.
I hate him!
* * *
I managed to have dinner without Laura badgering me. She tried to ask me a few questions, but when I didn’t answer, she gave up.
I know that she and her hunky boss are doing it. How I’d love to do him. The boys at school, they all suck at sex. They just want it but don’t give anything back—they don’t get me off. They grope me, stick it in me, then after a few humps and grinds, they’re done. They don’t make me come, ever. I bet Marcus would make my thighs quiver and fuck me until I scream.
Yeah, I need a man, not a boy. Those boys look wimpy next to Marcus anyway. I wonder how Marcus would feel inside me, kissing me, touching me, loving me. The boys don’t love me, but I’ll make Marcus love me. I’m getting horny just thinking about him.
Laura’s going to hate me but I don’t care. If she hadn’t left us, maybe Spence would still be alive. She could’ve helped him; she was old enough then.
I still cry when I think of Spence. Spence shouldn’t have died, Dad should’ve.
As I lie on the bed, I hear voices in the hallway. I look at the clock and it’s almost midnight. I walk over to the door and plant my ear to it.
“You feeling okay, Laura?”
“I think I’ve got indigestion. But I took some antacid so hopefully that’ll help.”
“Well, you cooked, so you can’t blame it on me,” Marcus says and I hear him laugh.
“Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t.” Now Laura chuckles.
“Crap. I guess my plan to entice you into my bedroom has to be scrapped now.”
“Damn,” my sister says. “Can I get a rain check?”
“I don’t know, there’s expiration dates on them, you know.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll redeem them as soon as possible.”
Geez, hearing their banter is embarrassing. Who writes their stuff?
“I can’t wait.”
Then there’s silence. I bet they’re kissing.
“Night, Laura.”
“Goodnight.”
I go back to the bed, and sit and wait. What am I waiting for? I’m waiting for Marcus to get cozy in his bed and then I’ll pay him a visit.
What luck that Laura gets a stomachache tonight. I thought I’d have to wait a few days to find the right opportunity to get Marcus alone.
After about half an hour, I creep my way towards Marcus’ room. Good, his door is slightly ajar, so I push it open quietly and carefully. Thank God it doesn’t squeak. When I’m inside the room, I push the door back to the slightly ajar position that it was in.
I creep my way further into his room and I see him in his bed, lying on his side, his back turned towards me. Good, that’ll make it easy for me to slip into his bed.
I’m as quiet as a Ninja as I shuck off my nightie and panties. Buck naked, I lift the sheets and slide in next to him. I put my arms around his waist and snuggle my body to his. He feels so warm, and hard, he’s nothing like the boys I’ve had. Running my hands on his muscles makes me ache for him, I feel my crotch pulsing, wanting.
He stirs and says, “You already collecting your rain check?”
Then he turns and puts his arm around me. It’s pretty dark in here so he hasn’t yet realized that I’m not Laura. As his face comes close to mine, I feel his breath on me, and I can smell his scent—his manliness makes my pussy ache. But he stops, I hear him breath deep. He abruptly turns away from me and switches his bedside lamp on.
“What the fuck?!” he exclaims. “Jade!”
He sits up and when he does so, the sheet pulls off me. I watch as his eyes scan down my body, but he immediately raises them back to my eyes. His face blushes, or maybe it’s red with anger.
“I want you, Marcus,” I tell him as I hold out my arms to him, beckoning him to make love to me.
As if his mind just registered a warning flash, he jumps out of bed and stands, looking down at me.
“Jade, you need to go back to your room.” He says this with a calmer voice now, but his tone is firm, the way a parent would command a child.
I sit up and his eyes again scan down my body, but I sense it’s just a male reaction, because I don’t see lust in his eyes, not the way I see them in the boys at school. The way he scrunches his eyebrows, no, Marcus’ eyes look at me with concern, not desire.
But I’m so freaking horny for him, I want him to take me, to love me, to make me feel like I’m loved. He can do this for me; I know he can.
“Please fuck me, Marcus,” I plead as my arms reach out for him again. “I’m good at fucking. All the boys love fucking me. I know you’ll love fucking me too.”
Why does he look at me so sadly? Most guys would jump at a young thing like me throwing myself at them. But he doesn’t seem to want me—why doesn’t he want me?
He walks around to my side of the bed and stoops down to pick up my nightie and panties.
“Jade, you need to get dressed and leave my room,” he says, his voice soft now, but still firm.
“Please, Marcus, please love me. I want you, I’ve wanted you since I first saw you.”
“Jade!” my sister’s voice yells out.
Marcus turns to look at Laura as she stands just inside the doorway. My eyes stare at her face—she’s fuming. She advances and stands next to Marcus. She takes my clothes from his hands and slips my nightie over my head. I push her away.
“I can dress myself,” I tell her, my voice biting. How dare she treat me like a child.
I stand to my feet and start to dress. Marcus turns his back to me, but what the hell for? He’s already seen my body. It’s probably for Laura’s sake.
I hear my sister sigh. “Why are you like this, Jade?” Her voice isn’t angry anymore; instead, it’s filled with sorrow.
“Like this?” I ask. “And what does ‘like this’ mean?”
She hesitates as if she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.
“Like a slut,” she finally says. Her eyes look at me sadly, as though it hurt her to say those words to me.
And yeah, I knew that’s what she was going to say, but I wanted to hear it from her.
“Because I am one. I’m a horrible slut, okay? You happy?” I cry and storm out of the room, slamming the door when I get to mine.
I plop front first on the bed and I weep. Yeah, I weep and weep, because I’m a messed up bitch. I don’t know why I do things like this; things that I know will hurt Laura. I wanted to hurt her, to take away her man, to make her pay.
But pay for what? The only thing I can’t forgive her for is leaving us with Dad, especially when Spence needed her. Does she deserve me to hurt her this way? Probably not, but I can’t help it. I–I–I don’t know what demons possess me to make me so mean, so hurtful.
I’m so messed up.
Nobody wants me, they don’t love me, they just use me, use my body, then throw me away until the next time. I thought Marcus could love me, like he loves Laura. I want what she has, I want him to look at me the way he looks at her, the way he teases and touches her. I want him to love me too.
Why can’t he love me?
Why can’t anybody love me?
Laura says she loves me, but she’s my sister, so she has to say that. I want somebody to love me, not because they have to, but because they want to.
I want someone to love me . . . for me.
Chapter 29 - Jade
~* Jade *~
I’m soooo tired. Crying my eyes out always makes me sleepy. But fatigue isn’t the only thing causing my weariness. I’m so tired of this shitty life, of all the crap, of all the fucking losers, yeah, me included.
Spence had it right. Maybe he’s in a better place where nobody can hurt him anymore, where he doesn’t have to deal with all the crap. You think?
Why was I even born? If my parents didn’t want me, why didn’t they freaking use contraceptives and save themselves the trouble? Or had an abortion even. I’d rather never been born than have to endure what my life is now. My life sucks and I’ve nothing and no one in it anymore that makes it worthwhile.
Spence checked out and maybe it’s time I checked out too. Yeah, maybe I can be with Spence again. Wherever he is has gotta be better than here.
Can I do it? Can I do what Spence did? My body is shaking just to think about it. Thinking about ending my life is scary, but having to go on like this is fucking miserable.
Maybe I should just get it over with once and for all. Yeah, nobody’s going to miss me. Laura’s got her new lover, she won’t miss me after the initial shock. She’ll probably cry for a while, but she’ll get over it, she seems to have gotten over Spence.
I haven’t gotten over him. I think about him every day. I see his face, I remember his laugh, how we played and got into mischief together, and I remember that day, the day he was taking so long in the bathroom that I started pounding on the door for him to open up and let me have at it. And when he was in there for too damn long and wouldn’t answer me, I picked the lock, which was easy with the type of doorknob we have. He’s the one who taught me how to do it actually, when once I accidently locked myself out.
When I finally got in, I saw the blood, so much blood, in the bathtub, in the water that came up to his waist as he lay there with no more life in him. I couldn’t see his hands, they were under the water, the red, bloodied water, but I saw the razor, sitting on the edge of the tub, where he left it, bloodied, making a mess on the shiny white porcelain.
And his face, he looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. But he wasn’t sleeping, because when I tried to shake him, he wouldn’t wake up. And I screamed, and screamed, and the fucking monster who killed him came running in, and he pulled Spence out of the tub and hugged him. Yes, he hugged him, he hugged him tight, and he cried. And I cried. I cried and cried for days—I haven’t stopped crying.
And I will hate Dad forever. I want to break my promise to Spence, but he’ll never forgive me if I ever see him again, wherever he is. But maybe I won’t end up where he is anyway, because I’m bad and Spence was good. Spence would never hurt anyone, he never hurt Laura, the way I hurt her.
But I didn’t always hurt Laura, at least not until she left and Spence died. Before that, she was my sister and I looked up to her, I cared about her. And she cared about me.
And now she hates me. Hates me because I’m not like her, she can’t reach me, as she puts it, and she’ll hate me because I tried to take Marcus away. She’ll never forgive me for that. She may act like she does, but she won’t. I wouldn’t, if she had done that to me, but of course that’ll never happen because who’s going to love me? Surely not in the way Marcus loves her and the way she loves him.
I’m a slut remember? That’s all everyone will see me as.
So what am I living for? Why do I even bother? Because I’m a chicken shit. That’s why. I’ve thought about it a few times but I can never go through with it.
How did Spence do it? What was going through his mind when he drew that razor over his wrists? I know he was scared. He had to be. I remember he was so scared to go to the doctor’s office for a blood test. I teased him about that, I called him a sissy, and he told me to shut up, but we laughed about it, the both of us, because he knew I was right.
So slitting his wrists took a hell of a lot of courage. I know he was scared, probably frightened out of his wits. Even so, he didn’t chicken out. He went through with it, because life for him sucked and to live was unbearable. Fucking Dad. Fucking asshole pervert. How could he do that to his own child? What a sicko! And he thinks I’m screwed up.
My tears flow again. Stop thinking about Spence. Stop thinking about Dad. Shit. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak, but sometimes I can’t help it—my tears just come when I don’t want them to.
Spence, give me the strength to do it. Help me do what you did. I want to be with you again, because you’re the only one who doesn’t make me hate myself. Well, that’s not true. I hate myself for not being able to save you in time. But maybe you would’ve hated me if I did. Would I want to be saved if I was able to get up the courage to slit my wrists? Maybe I’d be pissed too, if I really wanted to die and somebody saved me. How would that be saving me if I wanted to die? That would be like making me continue living a life I hate, and being around people I despise. That wouldn’t be doing me any favors. Not if I wanted to die.
Yeah, I need to let go of my guilt for not saving Spence. He just would’ve done it again and it would be horrible to think what he would’ve had to go through trying to do it a second time. That would suck big time, having to build up his courage again. Yeah, he’d have hated me for it, that’s for sure.
I should probably get drunk before I do it. That way I won’t feel the pain so much and I’ll be so wasted I probably won’t hesitate to make the slice.
The clock says 1:14 a.m. Laura and Marcus are probably asleep by now, so they won’t hear me. Still, I creep as quietly as I can downstairs to look for booze. This house has a wet bar so that’s the first place I look. I need something strong. Vodka. Yes, that’ll do it.
I unscrew the cap and drink it straight out of the bottle. Wait, I’d better get myself upstairs to finish this, otherwise I may make too much noise trying to get back upstairs and wake up Ms. Righteous.
I go straight to the bathroom. I lower the toilet cover, sit myself down, and chug about half of the bottle.
As I stare at the bathroom door in front of me, I’m feeling warm and my head’s getting woozy. With the back of my hand, I wipe the sweat from my upper lip. After a few more minutes, my eyelids go heavy. Okay, I’m feeling the buzz now. Ooooh, yeeeaaah.
I set the bottle down on the floor as carefully as I can, but it tips over, and shit, it spills out. Well, at least it fell over on the small oval rug. No noise to wake up Ms. Hoity-Toity. Haha. Shhh. I gotta keep it down. Fuuuuck, I can’t screw this up.
Okay, I need to find a razor. The medicine cabinet, of course. But wait, I should start the hot water in the tub, right? Okaaaaaay.
I pull the knob that plugs the tub and turn on the hot and cold water. While that’s going, I open the medicine cabinet.
Damn it. Why aren’t there any fucking razors in here? I keep rummaging and stuff starts falling out. Shiiiit. Keep the noise down, damn it. But I’m fumbling because my body doesn’t want to cooperate since I’m stinkin’ drunk.
Hold back, tears, don’t go getting all crybaby on me now. But again, my body refuses to listen and my frustration takes over. Fucking great! I even mess up when trying to kill myself. Can’t I do anything right?
I fall to the floor, defeated. As I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, woozy as I feel, my eyes gaze at the bottle and my mind clicks. Freaking genius! I’m going to break it. Too bad if I wake up the house, I’ll be done by the time they storm in here. Yeah. Just crack that sucker in half. Hurry up before I pass out.
I grab the bottle by the neck and knock it against the sink. Glass shatters all around, in the sink, on the floor, and it makes a freaking racket, but I’ve accomplished my goal so what the hell do I care?
I pick up a perfect piece from inside the sink to use as my accomplice in this crime. Pieces of glass stick to my feet as I head for the place I will end my life, but I grit my teeth and keep going—the pain will end soon. As I set myself into the tub, I hear noises outside the door. Pounding, pounding, Laura, she’s yelling at me. Shut the fuck up
, I wanna yell to her, but I don’t, I won’t hear her for very much longer.
Ahhh, the water’s a little too hot, but fuck it, it’ll soon be over and it won’t matter. The door is rattling and I hear Marcus saying something to Laura, but I can’t understand what it is. What does it matter? I’ll be good as dead soon. I’ll be with Spence and we’ll laugh again, laugh at all these morons.
I hold the glass to my wrist, and the tears come flowing out again. My head pounds as hard as my heartbeat. Go ahead, do it. Make the cut, there, right there on that vein, the large one, the one that’s green. C’mon, what the fuck’s the matter? Spence is waiting for me, he’s lonely and I’m lonely, and I should do this. Yes, do it. Do it!
But, my fingers don’t wanna listen, they don’t wanna move—they can’t make the slice.
I’m sobbing because I’m a chicken shit and I can’t do it. I can’t do what Spence did. Not even drunk, can I do what he did.
The door flings open and Marcus and Laura rush in. They stare at me for a moment, then Marcus holds Laura back as he throws towels on the floor. Then Marcus takes me in his arms and carries me out of the tub. As he carries me towards the door, I look back at Laura, she’s crying while she’s following us, and there’s blood on the floor, their blood, from the broken glass cutting them through the towel.
I’m soooo tired, sooo tired. Marcus lays me down on the bed, and Laura removes the glass from my feet.
I sob even harder now, because they’re bleeding too, yet she attends to me first. When she’s done, my sister sits on the side of the bed with tears rolling down her face. She knows what I tried to do. They both know.
“Oh, Jade. I can’t lose you too,” she says, her voice cracking between her sobs.
I throw my arms around her and she hugs me tight while cradling me.
“Help me, Laura,” I manage to say.
“I will, Jade. I will.”
And at this moment, even in my inebriated state, I’m feeling tremendous love for my sister.
I don’t want to leave her. I want her back in my life. Maybe it’s not too late to save me, even if it was too late to save Spence.