by Paloma Meir
She pulled me into a hidden alcove in the shop and kissed me. The very public displays of affection that had been part of our relationship before she had gone away had faded from my life. My times with Nicki though passionate were sterile in public as they had been with all the other girlfriends in my life. But with her in my arms the thought of others drifted away with the light warm wind that flew through the open front door of the shop.
“We’ve been gone awhile now," I held her in my arms, our kissing tapered off to gentle pecks on her lips to accent each word, “Let’s head back. Don’t forget to grab some candy. What is it you like now? Are you still eating chocolate, or have you moved back to those Pixie Stick like candies you always liked as a girl?”
“I don’t need candy. You’re all my sugar. You’re all my sweets, Serge.” Her eyes were filled with the startlingly vulnerability I hadn’t seen in her since coming to the island. I broke inside, whatever had held me back, and I was not of mind to contemplate it, was gone.
All I wanted to do was tell her that I loved her over and over again, the simplest words I could not say. It would not be fair. I glanced outside the store to see Louisa awake and sitting on Danny’s lap. The two of them playing a game that involved clapping as if I needed a reminder.
“Look into my eyes, Zelda.” I turned back to her and looked deep into hers with all the sincerity of my soul. It wasn’t hard to draw upon, “Do you see the dark fire? Look into them because you’ll see your soul because you are me.” Why I had fought her romantic games as a child bewildered me, not giving her what she wanted was a mystery and a waste.
She stared at me, mouth agape. I wondered if I had mangled the words to her favorite story beyond recognition. “Let the Banyan groves be our Moors.” She released herself from my hold, and ran out of the store, laughing like the girl she had been.
“Why would I want you so far away from you when there’s just the two of here Zelda,” I said with a manic laugh as I ran by Danny. “I want to climb through your window.”
Danny looked up sharply at me, a very stern look on his face I didn’t like. Filled with embarrassment because I knew for a fact, he hadn’t ever read Wuthering Heights and did not know of Cathy’s window, “Not your window Danny, it’s a book...” I chased after Zelda not waiting for an answer.
“Sure buddy...” His voice trailed behind me.
I caught up with her in the forest of familiar trees, taking her hand, winded from the run, muttering the word souls to keep up the hypnotic spirit of the game. The silence around us deafening, making me feel as if we were speaking in thoughts instead of words... Souls... You are me... I cry for you... muttered over and over again until we stood in the center of the Banyan Groves.
It was as if she had found a secret path to fairytale land with a full canopy of the green leaves above us, cluttered, free from the grips of hotel gardening. The branches grew downward into the ground becoming the roots. Silence as I held her, we fell to the ground. The sun could not penetrate the foliage, leaving the floor of the forest barren. Lost in time in the dim light, we did not speak, trance-like we clung to each other, burying my lips on her neck, kissing her with all the gentleness she deserved.
A chill went through our bodies, as a cool wind made its way through our spirit home. I took her hand lightly in mine as we got up and slowly, no more running for us and walked back to the pool. Whatever cloud had passed was gone by the time we reached the cabana. Our bodies were covered in perspiration as we walked as one into the pool.
“Maybe you two should rinse off first?” Danny awoke us from our dream, causing us to look down at ourselves. We were covered in dirt, brambles in our hair.
“Good idea, thanks.” Zelda and I wandered off to the showers.
Another nap, fitful this time as I lay beside a slumbering Zelda. Danny and Marco were in the pool, tossing the highly spirited Louisa back and forth. I watched her cling to her father when she landed in his arms. The time they had lost seemed insignificant.
…
Our sweaty sun drenched group sauntered into the dining room for dinner. Only our second official meal our motley group had assembled for, and already our seating patterns were engraved in stone. Zelda sat between Danny and myself. Louisa’s mostly unused high chair sat between him and Astrid. Marco close to Astrid but far from me at the round white table clothed covered table that would be a mess of food stains by the end of the meal, and not just from Louisa. There was a lot of sharing food between the adults, the food flying off the forks.
The conversation led by Danny included questions about the travels of Zelda and her little family. The tropical air and something I still couldn’t put my finger on, prevented any natural curiosity I would normally possess. My annoyance at the mellowness faded. Mahalo, indeed Danny.
“Zelda, how did you end up in paradise?” his outstretched hands took in the room and the view of the pounding ocean outside the windows behind him, illuminating him in the golden colors of the sunset.
She ignored him for a moment entranced by something I had pointed out on the menu, “How did you end up here? Not much shopping for a world class girl such as yourself.” I asked not wanting her obstinacy in acknowledging Danny beyond a few bonding moments with Louisa to mar our happy meal.
“We,” she turned and looked at Astrid and Louisa with a very warm smile, “traveled for a very long time...”
“Mommy took us on trains Daddy. I don’t like trains,” Louisa grabbed her Daddy’s face, that was looking a little crushed. I assumed from the memories of what drove her so far away, “You won’t take me on any trains Daddy, promise?” she screamed, very unlike her mother, very unlike her father. She actually reminded me a little of Veronica.
“Never on a train, no trains, only spaceships for my girl.” his eyes watered, but warmly. Whatever guilt he had felt, looked to be washed away by his forward thinking. That’s who he was, and who he would always be.
“We ran across the world,” Astrid said to the table, with a condemning glance Danny’s way, “London, too orderly... Switzerland, too boring, on and on it went...” She smiled at Zelda.
“It wasn’t so bad, Astrid, twelve countries in three months, not many can claim that...” She collapsed into laughter the way she would with my sister when watching their old comedies.
I had an impulse to pull my phone out and call my Carolina. I actually reached for it, before remembering I had forgotten it back at Zelda’s home or compound... Palatial property would be most fitting for the home she lived in.
“Okay... You win Astrid... It was unbearable and the hardest on my little Louisa,” she had placed an emphasis on my Louisa as if challenging Danny’s possession. He didn’t notice as he sat entranced by his daughter, who carried on about trains.
“Who knew train travel could leave such indelible mark, Zelda,” I laughed to her, “Did you just travel around, looking out the windows, never actually getting off the trains?” I don’t know why she found me so funny, my comment to her was light, friendly, but in no way deserving of the laughing fit that overtook her, doubling her over, trying to catch her breath. “Zelda,” I continued never wanting her happiness, her hysteria to ever end,
“That’s what you did, isn’t it? Was it like the Orient Express, with all the amenities? You loved that movie...” She lifted her head to respond but another volcano of laughter overcame her, her face bright red, her beautiful eyes crinkled up, “Did you wave to the citizens, greeting with your patented Zelda Moreau flick of the wrist?”
She sat up, trying to control herself, Marco and Astrid joining in her merriment, more from her reaction than to anything I said. Up in her seat she sat, but another convulsion overtook her body, and I saw what I did not want to see because the truth was already there in front of me.
Her hand, her beautiful long, delicate fingers ran up and down the arm of him. Such a common gesture between the two of them, something I had seen for what felt like my entire life. A touch neither of them noticed,
so common it was.
‘It was the Orient Express,” she managed to squeak over her fit, her hand back on the table, picking up a fork with which to spear a slice of pineapple, “Bucharest,” she looked over to Astrid.
Astrid shook and made a noise of displeasure as Zelda continued, “We stayed in all the best hotels, the level of service beyond expectations, but it still didn’t feel like home…” She reached out to Danny taking a drowsy Louisa into her arms and held her against her chest, “It didn’t feel like home, did it Astrid?”
Zelda shrugged lightly, “Astrid found our home. How she thought of Hawaii... I’ve never asked before... Astrid?”
“Bucharest,” she spat out, again with an unkind look Danny’s way, “We had been traveling, more like working. It had been snowing the whole time. Freezing cold with all of our clothes, everything getting lost. Freezing and then overheated...” She looked as if she were reliving the moment, “When we would go inside... The train... Oh Louisa, like a baby again... I saw Hawaii in my head, the beaches, no more suitcases... and then Zelda came her to senses... no more running,” she smiled to me, though I had no idea what I had to do with it, “And here we are.”
She smiled broadly, her arms outstretched as Danny’s had been, but the fading sun only accentuated the lines around her eyes, “We saw the for sale sign on the house as we drove to the hotel, this one,” she smiled at Zelda as if she was her savior, “Zelda purchased it the next day, and she even learned to cook.” They locked eyes, pleased with each other as if they had been soldiers in a long war.
Dinner over and stuffed with the heavy food, Zelda and I made our way back to her home, stripped off our clothes, fell into bed without even brushing our teeth. We wound our nude bodies around each other, with only a thin pink blanket over us and fell into the sweetest sleep of love.
…
I woke early the next morning. The sun was not even out. I carefully reached out, not wanting to disturb the warm body wrapped around mine for my phone. 5:00 A.M, early for the island but late for L.A. Good for me because I had a case at work that needed my attention.
I unwound myself from Zelda with deep regret and stepped quietly to the one bag I had brought with me to the island, my computer bag. I took it out slowly, deliberately not wanting to wake the sleeping beauty that lay with her long tan leg sticking out from the pinkness of the blanket.
I stared at her angelic beauty, the arch of the brow above her sleeping eyes longer than I should have before opening up the computer and getting to work. I sent emails explaining my absence, a friend in need, a family emergency... It made me uncomfortable, untruths were not something I was used to offering.
I heard the gentle stir of movement as the sun shined through the light linen curtains. I panicked as much as the spirit of the island would allow, wanting to finish my notes on a deposition. I needed it completed before the partners of the firm questioned my truancy.
“You’re so far away, Serge,” I turned away from the computer screen to see her kick off the blanket. The morning was a humid one.
“Good morning, Zelda. Let me just finish up,” I laughed to lighten the mood, “I don’t actually have the time off.”
“Oh Serge,” she sat up on the edge of the bed, “You’re not going back. Don’t be silly.”
“I have to go back. We are not all to the manor born.” I closed the document on the screen and opened up my email to send one last message to the office.
“But I love...” I slammed my computer shut and held up my hand to stop her words.
“Zelda stop,” I lowered my voice because it was too loud, “We can’t say these things to each other. I’m going back, and I know you understand why.”
“No, I don’t know why,” she stood up and waved her arms around, “I know you love me, Serge.”
“Look around, you know the reasons. It’s not going to work. It’s not meant to be.”
“This,” she waved her hand across the room, “Means nothing to me. You could work here. They do have lawyers in Honolulu. Don’t make my life a prison.”
“What?” I had no idea what she was talking about, “I’m talking about...” Danny, I wanted to say, but she did not let me finish my sentence.
“Your one weakness, I understand it... but Serge... You’re not your father, and you would never be like him.” She fell to her knees, not a position I liked to see her in.
“Zelda,” I shocked myself by yelling while I pulled her up from the floor. “I’m talking about Danny, Louisa...”
“Danny is a non-issue,” she screamed in my face, her nose nearly touching mine, “Always, you kept yourself so busy, so focused, the science, the soccer, now this ridiculous quest for money.” She took a deep breath and exhaled hard onto my face, “Do you not see yourself? Everything you do is a reaction to him. He does nothing. You do everything. This has nothing to do with Danny.”
“Zelda, no,” I put my hands on her shoulders as if to calm her, but no, it was to calm myself. My thoughts crashed into to a clog of nothingness.
“It’s okay.” She took my face in her hands and scattered kisses across my lips and cheeks, “I understand Serge, I do, and I won’t ask you to stay, and I won’t say what you don’t want me to say. I would never hurt you because I love…”
“It’s not the money...” I said, but the words felt hollow in my empty head.
“You know what I’m going to do, Serge?” Her eyes watered up, “I’m going to make you so happy, so, so happy, you won’t want to leave.”
I did not say that she could not possibly make me any happier than I was with her. We rolled back into the bed, my body against hers, played by the rules of the game. I relished it as much as her. We were very late for breakfast.
…
The day followed as the day before, laying in the cabana by the large family filled pool. Danny and Marco throwing Louisa back and forth as if they were in the Super Bowl. Her delighted screams. Zelda’s long looks examining them, her curious mind trying to make sense of where her world was heading.
The sweetest part of the day would blend in my memory into one long walk for eternity. It was always the same, our chatter about whatever was in our line of vision, maybe sparking a memory of our shared past. Holding her hand as our group receded into the distance. A lot of laughter, unexpected kisses, long embraces. Mourning her as I held her, the ocean air washing away the sadness. The moments pure.
Late in the afternoons, Danny, Marco and myself took leave of the women folk, for our agreed upon surf. We climbed into Marcos rambling old convertible Bronco and headed down the coast to look at the Pipeline. Our secret suspicions about never being enough of a surf god to conquer the waves were confirmed as we stood on the white sand beach. Our feet planted firmly at the shoreline with the waves flowing over us not even up to our knees. The water swirled around our ankles as if it were going to suck us out into the raging waves.
The waves were easily thirty feet high. Danny and I looked at each other, nodding our heads, small laughs erupting from both of us. Marco muttered “haoles” our way and told us he had a better spot further down the coast for us “mainland white boys”. He put his hand on Danny’s shoulder, signaling a newfound friendship. We headed back to the old truck Danny had been complaining about on the drive down.
He interrogated Marco, asking him if Louisa had ever been the truck, telling him she was never allowed in it. I watched with a stupid grin stuck on my face as Marco ran off his mouth, his idolatry of Danny apparent. Danny would lean back to me, speaking loudly but his words were lost in the wind. I nodded my head as if I could hear him, holding the moments, knowing this would be all there would be. Monk-like, I accepted it.
“This is it,” Marco yelled out as he pulled up the brake bringing the car to a sudden halt, the way my friends did in high school. The ones whose parents wouldn’t blink at an unnecessary car repair bill. “Unload.”
“Hey Danny, Marco,” I climbed out of the backseat, "I have to answer some e
mails... I’ll load the surfboards back up... Okay?” I took my phone out of my pocket and walked down to the rocky beginner beach.
I pulled off my t-shirt I had been wearing for two days, much to the horror of the stylish and impeccably maintained Zelda and sat down upon it to check my phone. Marco yelled out to me as they walked down to the shore. I waved and smiled as if what he had said registered in my mind.
Twenty-four missed calls and eighteen voicemails, several were from Nicki. She seemed a stranger from another lifetime. I knew I wouldn’t be seeing her when I went back home. I knew I wouldn’t be seeing anyone when I went home with a certainty that puzzled me. The essence of the island foiled me again. I did not contemplate the thought.
I ignored the calls and text messages and went straight to the emails that approached the triple digits. My eyes searched out the firm name, and the name of my assistant ignoring the others. Furiously I went about answering them, thankful for my keen memory and the goodwill I had cultivated in the previous nine months at the firm.