15
Kyle
“Why wouldn’t you deserve me?”
The question comes from nowhere. We’ve just staggered back to my bed, leaving a trail of puddles from the bathroom. I press my face into Lani’s neck and inhale. She’s still damp and naked and warm and goddamn that was good. I shake my head.
“Do you think this sex has been too good? I’m getting suspicious.” I pull back to frown down at her. She blinks, looking impatient. My subject-changing skills need work.
“Of what exactly? Where’s the conspiracy, Kyle?”
I shrug, pondering the problem. “It’s just too fucking good, Lani….” I’m not sure where I’m going with this either.
“The fucking is too fucking good, huh? Is there a compliment in there somewhere? And don’t worry, there’s a downside—it will be over soon.”
She turns her head away and I feel like an idiot. Again. It’s just that she makes me relax and then I don’t think before I open my stupid mouth. Before I can backpedal she turns to me, her face serious. I brush her hair from her shoulder, run a hand down her arm, tangle my legs with hers. I just want as much contact as possible. Because, yeah, it will be over soon.
“You avoided my question,” she says, watching me.
“What question?” I stall. Because I’m good at that. But Lani just waits me out. “Okay, okay!” I grumble. “Enough with the nagging and whining, Lani!” I pause to see if she’ll smile but she just folds her arms over her very sexy, very naked breasts and looks at me sternly.
“If I answer will you uncross your arms so I can keep ogling your tits?”
The stern look turns into a glare and she flips over onto her stomach with a huff. I can’t help admiring how the smooth slope of her back meets the sweet curves of her ass before stretching into her long toned legs. She’s got some tropical flower tattooed onto her lower back, and it’s sexy as hell. I shake my head.
“Not going to work, sweetheart. This view is just as good.” I know I’m being a jerk and for a minute I’m afraid Lani’s going to jump up and leave. Then she takes a deep breath and that superhuman composure is back. The one she needs in order to deal with me.
“Why are you avoiding my question?” she asks again, her voice perfectly calm.
I look away. “You know why.” I struggle to find the right words. Because if we talk about why I don’t deserve you you’ll realize you could do better! “I didn’t think you were paying attention when I said that!” I glare at her, and she finally shows a bit of a smile.
“I wasn’t at the time, but when your hands are off me I get in the habit of thinking. Let me guess. You think you’re putting one over on me? I’m with you because I don’t know any better?”
I mutter something about keeping my hands on her and I know I could distract her with sex again. But that feels like a cheap trick and she’d see through it sooner or later and then she’d leave me and…. I sigh again, back to square one.
“Would you agree we are in a relationship?”
My gaze drags away from her ass to stare at her face but her expression is hard to read. I gulp. I sure hope this isn’t a trick question. I nod, heart hammering. Lani is looking at me as if she can read every one of my pathetic thoughts.
“Then talk to me,” she says serenely.
And sometimes her calm is a pain in my ass. I don’t know what to say so I roll onto my back and study the ceiling.
“Tell me about your mother.”
My head turns so fast I almost hurt my neck. “What the fuck, Lani?”
She lounges on her side, studying me. “Hmm,” she murmurs. Her hand reaches out to wander over me, skimming through my hair, sliding down my neck, sweeping over my shoulders. It’s soothing. I stare at the ceiling again. I can do this.
“What was her name?” Her voice is soft.
“Her name was Linda.” I swallow when her hand pauses.
“Do you miss her?”
“Of course I fucking miss her!” And there goes the calm. Goddammit! I want to run and hide but instead I scowl.
Lani doesn’t blink and her fingers keep trailing over my skin. “How long ago did she die?”
“Eight years.” God, it was so long ago. This is so pathetic.
“Why don’t you talk about her?”
I swivel my head to stare at Lani, adrenaline coursing through me. “Like when? Hey, Lani, you free to meet in the quad at nine and by the way my mother died when I was fourteen?” I almost wince when I hear my tone, but Lani doesn’t blink.
“What else can you tell me about her?”
And with that, somehow, all the air goes out of my rage and resentment. I close my eyes and cross my arms under my head. Lani shifts closer so we’re touching all along our sides, and continues the soothing motion of her hand. I start to un-knot. A little.
We lie like this in silence for what feels like a long time. Then I open my eyes.
“She was…nice.” I grimace. How lame is that? I try to pull together my childhood impressions of her and put them in grown-up language.
“Nervous, quiet, warm.” The list seems inadequate. “She liked cooking, reading, cats.” I stop again, remembering.
“I’m an only child and we were close when I was little but when I got older I went out in the world more. And she…didn’t.” I remember feeling kind of bad when I’d go out to play with friends and she’d stay home alone. “I think she was lonely,” I say reluctantly.
“Where was your dad?” Lani moves into the crook of my shoulder and I feel the sweep of her silky hair against my arm.
“Working. He had crazy hours before making partner…. I don’t know how they got through those years. Oh yeah,” I add. “She didn’t.”
I sound bitter and I’m kind of shocked at myself. I’m going to offend Lani and she’s going to leave…but even my thick head is starting to see the pattern here. I turn this over in my mind, hesitant to voice what I’m thinking.
“What happened?” Lani’s voice is gentle. I remember that she doesn’t offend easily—or she wouldn’t be here with me.
“She left. I mean, she died,” I correct myself. I rush into speech to dilute my stupid slip. “She was on a cocktail of meds for depression and anxiety. She took too many. She didn’t wake up.” I sound shaky even to myself.
“It sounds like a terrible accident. That’s so sad,” Lani says quietly. I face her and raise an eyebrow.
“What?” She traces a finger down my jaw.
“She killed herself.” I’m trying to shock her now.
Lani frowns. “Why do you think so?”
I roll away from her, out of reach. “Because she was depressed? Because was on meds? Because she took too many pills? Because she was unhappy?” I’m repeating myself. “Why are we talking about this again?” I ask in frustration.
“Because,” she echoes back at me. I refuse to look at her. This conversation is torture. “Does your dad think she killed herself?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper, then halt. “We never talked about it.”
Her face looms over mine suddenly and her eyebrows shoot up. “You never talked about it?” She sounds incredulous.
“Well—” I try to hedge but, in fact, the answer is no. We didn’t. So what? My belligerence is rising again. “Lani,” I start, but I don’t know how to finish.
“Okay. I’ll stop pushing.” Her calm has cracked and I hear her impatience now. Great. Here comes the analysis of my damaged ego and abandonment issues….
“All I’ll say is that you don’t know why your mother died. Which must suck. Especially for a fourteen-year-old. But is it really better to assume she left you on purpose? To wonder if you drove her away?”
“Would you maybe consider not poking so hard at this wound? Think you could do that for me?” I’m scowling again, but she waves me off.
“Hush! You can take it.” My eyes widen at that but she keeps going. “If I were reading you like a book I’d say this is over-determined, Kyle.
You’re too sure she committed suicide when the facts aren’t there. That means there’s something else going on. You’re not insecure. You weren’t abandoned. You just have to get comfortable with not having all the answers, with not knowing what happened.”
Her face is still hovering over me and I stare at her, wondering how we got here. Here. Tonight. In this bed. Naked. Having a serious conversation about something I never, ever, a million-more-evers talk about. WTF? Four months ago I didn’t even know this girl. It boggles the mind. While I watch I see her confidence waver. I’ve been quiet too long, I realize. She doesn’t know what I’m thinking. Maybe she needs to get “comfortable with not knowing” too. I’m flooded with tenderness for her and smile finally. Her eyes flicker with relief.
I tuck some long dark hair behind her ear and murmur, “Okay. Maybe we deserve each other.”
My whole week is like that. Weird. Unsettling. Conversations merge and mingle with questions—why do I believe the worst will always happen? What’s causation and what’s just correlation? Why am I so hard on myself? What’s so difficult about not knowing the answers? Maybe some things are not all about me….
I walk around in a daze, feeling unmoored—because I am unmoored. I’m graduating next week and leaving home and Lani…. I ramp down my EMT shifts to spend as much time as I can with her and try not to think about the ticking clock.
I stop in to see Sergeant Ruiz and that conversation rattles me even further. I don’t seem to know anything any more, which sucks big time. Except…. except I’m also really happy. I’m not so angry. I’m definitely not frustrated. My sexy-as-hell girlfriend keeps me fucking busy. Or busy fucking. But I don’t want to call it that. Not anymore.
“What should we call it then?” Lani asks when I say that out loud. Her voice is muffled as she kisses her way down my chest, pausing to lick and nip.
“Ahhh—” Somehow I’m naked and she isn’t, which is puzzling. I tug on her shirt, but she swats my hands away.
“You first,” she says in a very clear and very determined voice. Then her mouth keeps moving down and my head falls back with a groan. My abs clench involuntarily and I tense all over. She moves between my legs, making these little happy sounds that drive me crazy. By the time her hands and mouth are on me I’m way far gone. I shove a hand into her hair to anchor myself in her sweet hot mouth. I lift my head to watch and nearly lose it right then.
“Fuck, Lani!” I manage.
“You said it’s not fucking,” she giggles and I feel it like another hot lick. I’m going under way too fast.
“We need a new word,” I gasp, and too-soon afterwards the world explodes into a million perfect pieces with her name on them. I pull her up and tight against me, still trembling. Has anyone has ever felt like this before? Like this person is everything? No way. Not possible.
Lani cuddles closer, still making those sexy whimpering sounds and roaming her hands all over me. I smile into her neck, loving how turned on she gets. I flip her onto her back and start working on her clothes.
“Your turn!”
That word will have to wait.
The last crazy straw comes at the end of the crazy week. My dad had called while Lani and I were otherwise engaged and when I call him back he drops a new bombshell.
“Kyle, I’m flying in for graduation next week and I’d like to bring someone.” His voice is quiet. He’s a pretty quiet guy. I don’t know where I get all the anger from.
“Someone?” I repeat, frowning into my phone. Does he mean…?
“A girlfriend.”
I nearly drop the phone. “What?” My voice comes out too loud and Lani looks up from her book. There’s an awkward pause and I clear my throat.
“Umm. Sure. Okay. Whatever. It’s just you never mentioned…. How long have you been dating?” I’m not sure what to say and I can see Lani is still eyeing me curiously. I’m not upset exactly. I’m just surprised.
“About a year.”
“A year??” Shit, I’m yelling again, but I don’t mean to be. I lock eyes with Lani and try to channel her calm. “Sorry. I mean, you never mentioned….,” I say again.
“Yeah.” My dad sounds tired. “I wasn’t sure if it was serious. I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”
I contemplate this. “But it is serious?”
“I think so.”
I try to see this from his perspective. It’s been eight years. That’s a long fucking time, especially without fucking. I veer away from that one.
“Okay,” I say slowly. “I get it. Tell me about her.” And he does. Her name is Alice. She’s a lawyer too. They met at a lawyer thing. She sounds nice.
“Does she have kids?” I ask warily.
“No, she never did. But she’s eager to meet you.”
Warning bells!
“She’s not going to be my mom, okay?” I sound belligerent again, but hell, we need some ground rules.
“Of course not, Kyle. She just wants to meet you. Maybe we can go out to dinner after the ceremony?”
“Okay.” I can deal with that. Then I surprise myself. “Can I bring my girlfriend too?” I meet Lani’s eyes across the room.
“Sure. I didn’t know you had a girlfriend. I’d like to meet her.” He sounds thoughtful now. “What’s her name?” I’m not sure what he really wants to know.
“Nalani,” I answer. There’s another pause that I fill up. “She’s Hawaiian. ” I see Lani rolling her eyes and grin at her but I’m also sending telepathic messages through the phone to my dad: Be Cool.
“Huh. I can’t wait to meet her,” he says mildly. Good. This is all good.
“Dad?” I swallow. Can I really do this?
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Mom killed herself?”
Lani’s head snaps back up and there’s what feels like a gaping hole in front of me. I want to crawl into it and hide.
My dad takes an audible breath. “No, I don’t think so. She was sad, but she was managing. The meds were helping. I’m not sure what happened. One doctor said it could have been a freak allergic reaction. But I think there would have been more warning if she had…meant it.” There’s another awkward pause while I process this. I asked and the world didn’t stop spinning on its axis.
“Why?”
I shrug, though he can’t see me. “Because I’ve always wondered.”
“Don’t take that on, Kyle. I could too. I did. It’s just….” He’s floundering and I feel bad for him. Of course if I blamed myself he would have blamed himself even worse. That never occurred to me before.
“It’s okay.” I say lamely. “It’s just hard not knowing.” My eyes meet Lani’s again and I cling to that shot of calm.
He sighs, then he turns the conversation to my plans and getting my car back to Illinois and I move so Lani won’t overhear that part.
“I do accept your commitment to the army, Kyle, and I appreciate your patriotism. You’ve always had such a strong sense of duty. I just wanted you know to know you had options.”
I hedge. “Can we talk about that at graduation?”
Another sigh. Soon we get off the phone and I’m left to my own whirling thoughts. Like I said, a crazy fucking week.
16
Lani
I spend an inordinate amount of time preening for this date. I straighten my already straight hair so it’s perfectly smooth and try every possible permutation of bra and panties, looking for the perfect effect with and without clothes. I bought a new dress just for this occasion—it’s a fitted ivory sheath with a scoop neckline and cap sleeves. I keep the color for my face, adding a lipstick that’s almost fuchsia, mascara, and some smoky eye shadow before stepping into my heels.
I can’t wait to see Kyle’s reaction but when he arrives I’m too bowled over by him to notice it. He’s dressed up too and even though I can tell he’s uncomfortable in a jacket he looks hot as hell. We both freeze in place as we look each other over and then he lunges for me. I laugh and turn my head so his mout
h lands on my cheek. His hands are already on my ass.
“No kissing! The lipstick!” I grin at the look on his face.
“What the fuck, Lani?” he growls at me.
“Ah, ‘what the fuck, Lani?’ my favorite greeting from my favorite boyfriend. So romantic!”
“Your only boyfriend,” he smirks as he pulls me in closer and tighter and harder. My breathing hitches.
“Okay,” I concede, with a sigh. “You can kiss my neck instead of my mouth. How about that?” Yeah, I really want his mouth now.
“Hmm,” he considers, eyeing me. “Nah, that’s okay. I’ll wait for your mouth.” He laughs at my expression. “Aww, Lani, I’m sorry! I know it’s been over ten hours since I made you come and you must be desperate by now.”
His hands are making circles on the silk covering my ass and I am feeling desperate, damn him! I shoot him a glare and try to disengage, but somehow his hands end up everywhere and I just end up squirming.
“We can stay home…. I’ll let you be on top.” He sounds just as turned on as I am now.
“You love it when I’m on top!”
“No kidding! Come on, sweetheart. Let’s skip this stupid ballet,” he whispers in my ear.
I whirl on him, jabbing him in the chest with one finger. “No way, mister! You promised!” I’m more flushed with arousal than anger, but it works anyway because he steps back and sighs.
“Yeah. I know. It was worth a shot,” he grumbles.
“Why do you assume you won’t like it?” I ask as I lock up my room.
Kyle shrugs, wrapping an arm around me as we walk out to his car. “I don’t. I just like messing with you.” He grins at me again. “Besides, you know I’m not really going to let you miss the ballet. You’re going to review it and it’ll be published and that will be awesome!”
He looks down at me, practically glowing, as he lets me in on the passenger side and he’s irresistible. I pull his face to mine and plant a big fat kiss on his mouth, then laugh as I try to swipe away all the pink marks.
The Partnership (Extra Credit Book 1) Page 11