by Sadie Black
“Amen.” I hear the words come out of my mouth and it surprises me. Bradley looks over at me with an eyebrow arched, but he doesn’t say a word.
As the service comes to a close, I hold back with Bradley and Brooklyn in the pews and let the crowd shuffle from their seats before me. I watch as men line up to shake my father’s hand while my mother gathers with women to chatter in a circle. My stomach flips when the people begin to thin out and I know that I can’t put this off anymore, I have to go talk to them. Seeing my hesitation, Bradley grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze as he holds Brooklyn in his other arm. The heat of the room and long service have proven to be too much for her as she’s fallen asleep against his chest without a care in the world. I tug my long skirt nervously and take a lung full of air and press forward, clinging to Bradley’s hand. My father watches as we approach, but he doesn’t smile. Then again, I’m not smiling either, so the feeling is mutual.
“Brianna, I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”
“Hi Dad.”
My mother breaks free from the few stragglers still gossiping with her and rushes over to me, giving me a big hug. “Oh, it’s so good to see you, and who is this?” She nods at Bradley, waiting for a formal introduction.
“Mom, Dad, this is Bradley Sheppard. Bradley, these are my folks,” I watch as Bradley shakes my father’s hand.
“That was a powerful service, Sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” My mother smiles at him but my father’s expression doesn’t change.
“And who is this little angel?” My mother coos, looking at Brooklyn who is still fast asleep on Bradley’s shoulder.
“That’s Bradley’s niece, Brooklyn. His brother passed away and he’s raising her now.” I tell them bluntly.
“I’m sorry to hear about your loss, Bradley.” Dad finally speaks. “I’m sure that he’s looking down from above and watching over you.”
“Thank you, Sir. I believe that he is.” Bradley swallows hard, as the emotion in his voice betrays him.
“You two are dating then?” My mother looks at Bradley as she asks.
“Yes, actually, I moved in with him a month ago. I thought it was about time you had a chance to meet him and Brooklyn, so I was hoping that we could all go out for lunch. Our treat.” I avoid my father’s eyes burning a hole through me. I knew they wouldn’t approve of me moving into Bradley’s apartment, but there’s so much more that they’re not going to approve of I thought I’d rip that one off like a band aid.
“Oh my, well that is a surprise.” My mother holds her hand to her chest like she might faint and I start to reconsider why I ever bothered coming here. “It sounds like we all have a lot to talk about. I think going out to lunch sounds lovely, don’t you Henry?”
Everyone’s eyes turn to my father, just how he likes it. “Come inside, Brianna,” he motions toward the church. “I have to close up in here before I can go anywhere. Besides, I don’t have much of an appetite, I’m afraid. If you’d like to talk to us, you can talk to us here.” He presses his lips together in a thin line and I glance over at Bradley. Why did I come here? Reluctantly, I follow my father through the large wooden doors back into the church with Bradley and my mother on our heels.
Dad quickly makes his way to the front of the church and starts picking up papers from his pulpit. “So, Bradley, what is that you do?” He doesn’t even bother to look at him when he talks.
“I’m the chief executive officer at Zervion Communications.”
“Well, that sounds like a fancy title.”
“Yes, I guess it is,” Bradley smiles.
“And, are you a member of the Baptist Church, Bradley?”
“Dad!” I interrupt, “You can’t ask people what religion they are.”
“Why not? There’s no harm in asking, is there Bradley?” My father stops pretending to be preoccupied with tidying up and looks straight at me. “I’m just trying to get to know the man you’ve shacked up with, Brianna. That is why you came for this little visit, isn’t it? I’m sorry it isn’t going the way you thought it would if we were all eating sandwiches.”
“With all due respect, Sir-”
“Bradley, with all due respect to you, this is between my daughter and I.” Dad cuts him off.
Something about being around my father makes me feel like an angry teenager all over again. He’s never accepted that I’m an adult who is capable of making my own choices. “No, Dad, that’s not what I wanted to tell you. I thought you might like to know that you and Mom are going to be grandparents. Isn’t that nice? I’m sorry I thought taking you out to lunch might be a pleasant way to share the good news.” Anger makes my words tremble in the air.
“You’re pregnant? Oh, that’s wonderful, isn’t it Henry?” My mother gushes excitedly.
“You’ve never learned, have you? Just living your life in circles, making the same stupid mistakes over and over.” My father’s voice is low and devoid of emotion.
“Henry, hush. This is good news. I’m sorry, Bradley, he isn’t normally like this. We should’ve went out for lunch like you guys suggested, his blood sugar is probably getting low,” my mother starts pedaling her tired excuses for my father.
“Listen, I know that this is a lot to absorb, but I love your daughter.” Bradley puts his arm around me, “we’re really just extending a courtesy by telling you. We didn’t come here for a blessing.”
“I would hope not! You’re certainly not getting it from me.” My father clenches his fists and crinkles the sheets of his sermon.
“So much for a father’s love, huh, Dad? I can’t believe what a hypocrite you are,” I spit my words at him trying hard to keep my voice to a dull roar so I don’t wake Brooklyn. “I can’t believe you stand up here every week and spout off about forgiveness and understanding, when you don’t live a word of it.
“You should go now,” he answers through a clenched jaw, staring at his shoes.
“I expected as much, you kicked me out of your house the last time I got pregnant, now you’re gonna kick me outta God’s house? I wish your congregation could see who you really are.” I look over at Bradley and his mouth is hanging open with surprise. This is the first time he’s heard about my first pregnancy. It isn’t the way I wanted to bring it up, but then again he’s the one who insisted that we come here today so I guess the cards will fall where they will.
“Only the Lord can make that decision, and I can only hope and pray that you find your path before your time for judgment comes, Brianna. As much as you seem to think that you can do whatever you like with no consequences, you’d better believe that when your time comes, you will be judged.” He looks me straight in the eyes and I can’t find a glimmer of the man who once held my bike seat. The father who used to take pride in my smallest accomplishments can now only see my failures.
“That’s right, Dad, I’m going to be judged. But I’m not worried. You know why? Cause that book you love to quote has a lot of passages about how He will forgive all sinners, even hypocrites like you.” My voice trembles and I turn away before the tears spill over from my eyes. I knew this was a mistake, I knew it! Bradley holds me close, with one arm around me and one arm around Brooklyn and we walk out of the church. This is my family now. This is the only family I need.
Chapter Six
Bradley
“Braddy I don’t want two mommies in my family,” Brooklyn crosses her arms. “I want my one mommy and my one daddy and that’s it!” I look at the cashier, a girl in her early twenties with her long, bright blue hair half shaved and a large nose ring. She cocks her eyebrow at me accusingly. I hand her my money for the ice cream that is currently melting down my fingers.
“Thanks,” I smile weakly. “Keep the change.” Holding onto Brooklyn’s hand tightly, I walk over to the park bench where she climbs up beside me. Earlier today she told me that she doesn’t want me to carry her anymore because she’s not a baby.
In the past month and she’s really been pushing for her inde
pendence, insisting that she’s ‘a big girl’ and that she can ‘do it herself’ for most things. It started after we went to the church service and she heard Brianna’s father talk about riding a bike. She quickly became obsessed with the idea of riding one herself and was devastated when we explained to her that only big girls can ride a two wheeler. Since that day Brooklyn has been trying to convince me that she’s all grown up. I cringe as I remember how the meeting with her parents went after the service and the way that Brianna sobbed for nights afterward when she thought I was sleeping. I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. Why did I insist on meeting people who’ve only brought misery to her life?
“Braddy! Braddy! It’s melting everywhere.” Brooklyn’s cries snap me back into the present. Her birthday cake flavored ice cream, topped with sprinkles, is dissolving down over my hand. The bright colors are puddling together on my hand making a design like one of Brooklyn’s finger paintings. I yank the wad of napkins from my pocket that I had the foresight to swipe at the counter and clean the mess.
“Sorry about that, I wasn’t paying attention.” With the mess cleaned up Brooklyn wastes no time trying to devour as much of the ice cream as she can. “Hey, slow down you don’t want to give yourself a headache.” I try to save her from brain freeze, but I know it’s only a matter of time with how quickly she is gobbling the treat.
She stops for a moment and gets very serious look on her face, “I okay Braddy.” She shakes her head vigorously, “my head doesn’t ache.”
“Okay sweetheart, I mean Brooklyn.” She isn’t fond of any pet names or nicknames, insisting that I only ever call her Brooklyn. “What were you talking to me about when you are standing in the line? About having two mommies? Can you tell me what you meant?”
Tilting her head to the side, cloud roll over her little brown eyes, “I don’t want two mommies.” She declares. “I just want one mommy and just one daddy.”
“You don’t have two mommies, Brooklyn.”
“Is Brianna my mommy? I don’t want Brianna, I want my old Mommy back.” She emphasizes each word by shaking her ice cream in her hand, dripping it all down her arm and around the bench.
“Ok, be careful with that, please! Listen, Brianna isn’t your mommy. You only have one mother. But, Brianna a woman that I love very much and so, she’s a part of your family. Not your mommy though, ok?”
She nods her head solemnly and her little brown curls bounce around her ears. “Braddy? Where did my mommy go? Did she leave cause I was bad?” Her lip quivers at the thought.
“No, Brooklyn. You aren’t bad at all and your mommy didn’t leave. She just needed to go to the doctor to get some help, just like when you get a cold. Everyone needs help sometimes and you’ll see, once she gets better you’ll get to see her again.”
“Just like Doc McStuffins?” She smiles, recalling her favorite children’s show. “Mommy is so much better now!” She sings the words to the show adorably off-key.
“Sort of, yeah. Ok, so are you all done with that cone now?”
“All done!” I take the soggy remnants of her ice cream from her sticky hand and toss it in the garbage can next to us.
“Good because I have a big-girl job for you. Do you want to help me go shopping?” Her eyes light up and she squeals in a pitch that should only be reserved for dog whistles.
“Yeah, I help you!” She slides off the bench and jumps up and down with excitement. It’s amazing how much joy children can find in everyday moments. I can’t remember the last time I was that excited about anything, although I have to admit, this mission is probably the closest I’ve come in a while.
“Great, let’s go then, you ready? It’s a super special place that you can’t touch anything, ok? I need to carry you if you want to go.”
She thinks about it for a moment, but her curiosity wins out over her need to be a big girl this time. “Ok, up, up, up!” She reaches up for my neck and I walk her halfway down the block to Tiffany & Company. Brooklyn’s eye is immediately drawn to the counters filled with sparkling diamond rings and other jewels, “Ohhh, it’s like for a princess!”
“Good afternoon, Sir. Is there anything I can help you with?” A poised, dark-haired man immediately welcomes me to the jewelry store.
“Yes, please. My little helper here,” I nod to Brooklyn who is still transfixed by the assortment of jewelry, “and I are looking for a diamond ring.”
“Absolutely, Sir. Did you have a specific ring in mind?”
“I do, I’d like to see your princess cut engagement rings please.”
Chapter Seven
Brianna
“Hey, whatcha doing?” Bradley leans over the back of the couch where I’m sitting with my feet up, skimming a massive What to Expect When You’re Expecting book. With Brooklyn playing quietly with her little pony toys on the other side of the room, I thought I’d take advantage of the quiet time and relax a little.
“I want to make sure that there isn’t any food I should avoid at the party. I know Kendra probably covered it with her caterers, but you can never be too safe,” I slide my hand over my firming belly. At almost five months pregnant, I’m just barely starting to show. I’m still not even wearing maternity clothes. It makes it hard not to be jealous of Kendra, who’s little belly is beginning to look like a perfect little basketball. Meanwhile, I’m just beginning to look like I can’t lay off the donuts. If she didn’t specifically put both of our names on the baby shower invitations, I guarantee you that no one would think that we’re both due, let alone at the same time. Still, my belly might not have popped yet, but I can still feel my little bean rolling around in there and knowing that the baby is developing and healthy is really the only thing that matters.
“I’m sure you can eat whatever you want, can’t you?” He rubs my shoulders gently.
“No, that’s not true. See?” I point to the page, “it says right here that I should avoid fish, deli meat, raw eggs and soft cheeses.”
“Raw eggs? Why would you eat raw eggs even if you weren’t pregnant?”
“They mean like in traditional Caesar salad or meringue pie, not like you’d sit down with a bowl of raw eggs and eat them,” my stomach lurches at the thought. Even though my morning sickness ended after the first trimester, I’m still sensitive to feeling sick at minor things.
“Ahhh, gotcha.” He walks around the couch and sits down next to me. Grabbing my foot, he rubs tiny circles into my big toe. I can’t believe how quickly we’ve settled in together. Bradley and I fit like a glove, living with him has made my life so much better. Even though Brooklyn occasionally acts out and clearly favors ‘Braddy’ over me, we still feel like a tight-knit little family. “Have you decided if you’re gonna find out or not?” Bradley nods at my slightly bloated belly. Next week is our 20-week ultrasound and we can finally find out the sex of our child, if we wish. Bradley said that if it were only up to him, he would find out. I think he wants to start buying cute little onesies.
“Yeah, the thing is, I think I want to keep it a surprise. It’s just, there’s so few surprises left when you grow up. Besides, Kendra and I talked about it and we think it’d be fun to both find out on our due dates. She told me they didn’t find out at their appointment either.”
With only two weeks between our pregnancies, Kendra gets to go through every milestone fourteen days ahead of me. It’s been like getting a little preview of every phase I’m about to go through before it happens. Of course, like most things in life, Kendra’s version is usually better. During her first three months she never got sick one single time, where I had my head hovering over the toilet every morning. Her hair and skin have never looked better, giving off that cliche pregnancy glow that everyone always talks about, but I just keep fighting to keep hormonal acne off my face. Now with her little tummy poking out from her flowing dresses, she looks like one of the models for the maternity line of clothes. I guess I haven’t been getting a preview of what to expect as much as a preview of what perfect pregnan
cy looks like.
“I know you want to get a heads up so you can paint the office and set it up for the nursery, but we can just go with yellow instead.” Bradley avoids my eyes, staring at his hands. “What’s wrong? You don’t like yellow? We can do another color, I’m not attached to yellow.”
“No, Brianna, it’s not about the color. It’s just, well, with Eileen working through her program I need to start thinking about the possibility of sharing custody of Brooklyn. I, uh, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and there might be a chance that I’ll need to relocate to Florida for that all to work out.”
Florida? Move? The words might as well be in a different language with how much sense they’re making in my head. I don’t know the first thing about the sunshine state, except that it’s not my home. I’ve spent my entire life in Manhattan, I always pictured my children growing up here too. Bradley watches my face intently, waiting for me to react.