by Tiffani Lynn
She was blubbering and I wanted to join her. He’d become my best friend. He pulled me out of hell and helped me to stand on my own two feet again. I didn’t want to lose him.
“What’s he going to do in the Navy?”
“He’s going to be a SEAL.”
At first I breathed a sigh of relief and told her, “He has to pass a rigorous course to be a SEAL so don’t panic yet.”
Then it dawned on me that he was in excellent physical shape already, an expert marksman, had good mechanical skills and some electrical skills. If his mind held out through the psychological torture, he’d make it.
“Crap. A SEAL, really?”
“That’s what I said,” she wailed. “He got mad at me. Said I’d never understand. When I tried to reason with him, tried to get him to think this through he got mad and yelled at me. Then he came and found me a little while ago and apologized, but said he was going to do this anyway. After that, he said he thought it was better if we broke up so I didn’t have to worry about him while he was away and he could focus on passing BUD/S. What the hell is BUD/S?”
“It’s part of Navy training for SEALs. I forget what it stands for, but it’s really intense. Just give him a little time to calm down and I’ll try to talk to him this week. I don’t want to jump on him right away. I know he won’t respond well.”
“We don’t have any time left. He leaves in two weeks.”
My eyes bugged out of my head. “What? It usually takes forever to get everything going before they ship off to boot camp.”
“Someone pulled some strings and he’s leaving in two weeks.” She went back to crying so hard she could barely talk.
“Okay, give me a little bit to think this through. I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll come up with a plan.”
“He’s flying back to Columbus tomorrow to pack up his apartment and bring his truck to his mom. You didn’t know?”
“No. I told you I haven’t talked to him. He hasn’t told me any of this yet. He has to see me though, I’ve got the keys to his truck and his apartment. I dropped him off at the airport in his truck and figured I’d pick him up when he flew back. He may want to avoid me with this news, but he can’t. Do you have his flight info?”
“No, but I can ask his mom and get back to you. Please, you have to help me get him back. We had our whole lives planned. How did this happen?”
“I don’t know, honey, but I’ll do my best. Keep in mind though that if he already signed his paperwork there’s no backing out. He’ll be in the Navy and you may find yourself married to a sailor eventually.”
“I never want to leave our hometown. I love it here. I want to raise our family here and grow old here. How do I change his mind?”
She wasn’t listening to what I was saying. “I don’t know if you can. Are you saying that if he goes into the Navy you won’t get back together with him?”
Her voice was sad as she responded, “I don’t want that life. I want him to stay here and do what we already planned.”
I blew out the air from my lungs and said, “Let me talk to him and I’ll call you afterwards, okay? Just stay calm until then. I can’t promise anything. If he signed the paperwork we may be too late even if he changes his mind.”
“Thanks, Quinn.”
“You’re welcome. Now get some sleep. Bye, Jenny.”
I knew when I hung up the phone that night with Jenny there was no changing his mind. I hated that he made the decision while his mind was in such turmoil, but knowing Judson like I did, I realized there was no going back just by what she told me.
After an hour of rolling around in memory lane, I go to Ms. Polly’s kitchen and start dinner. I notice he’s still on the porch and I know with the sun setting it’s going to be cooler, so I grab an afghan and take it to him. He thanks me and I return to the kitchen.
Later the three of us eat without a word. Tired of hearing only the clink of silverware to the plate I break the silence by asking, “How was your visit with Jenny?” I do my best to keep the jealous tone out of my voice. Not an easy feat.
He studies me for a moment and swallows his bite of food. “It was good. She said you’re the one who told her I was in the hospital.”
I nod and focus on my plate.
“I didn’t know you kept up with her all these years.”
Ms. Polly watches us like she would a tennis match, her head swings back and forth from person to person, but she says nothing.
“Yeah, when you went to see her after you left Ohio she called me to cry. We just sort of stayed in touch over the years. I tried to back off at one point, but she kept it going. She’s been a good friend.”
“I had no idea,” he replies, his voice holding a note of irritation I didn’t expect.
I sigh, reminded that I went ten years without seeing him at all. “I know. You and I didn’t exactly keep in touch.”
“Jenny does seem to be doing well. Happy. She hasn’t changed much.”
The green-eyed monster rears her ugly head again and I’m no longer hungry so I stand and carry my plate to the trash and dump what’s left.
“Ms. Polly, I’ll clean up dinner in a little bit. I’m not feeling very well.”
I leave the room without another word and go back to reading my book. Later in the evening I return to clean up the kitchen only to find it already done. I get a drink of water and retreat again. After I shower, I slip on my pajamas and curl up in bed to read. I’m at the good part where I don’t want to put the book down when a quiet knock sounds on my door. I sit up and call out, “Come in.”
Surprising me, Judson sticks his head inside and asks, “Can I come in?”
“Um…sure,” I mumble and shrug. I take a mental note of the perfect way his shirt pulls tight across his chest and shoulders. Why does he have to look so damn good?
He doesn’t sit on the little couch. Instead he sits closest to me on the edge of my bed. My brows drop low as I study him. His eyes are focused on the carpet when he says, “It was good to see Jenny today.”
I close my eyes. I don’t want to talk about Jenny, the subject makes my heart hurt. She may be my friend but I know how much he loved her.
“She told me a few things. Things I didn’t know,” he informs me.
I still don’t speak. I hold my breath waiting to hear what the heck he has to say about Jenny.
“She said you wrote me all the time.” My eyes dart to his, wondering where he’s going with this.
“Did you?” he probes.
I nod my head, still not wanting to speak. I have a lot of pent-up emotion and I’m not sure how it’ll manifest. I’ve kept a tight rein on it since he rejected me that night in his room.
“What did you do with them? I know you didn’t mail them.”
I blink. They’re in a box under my bed, but I don’t know if I should say that. I’m not a girl who keeps a journal but those letters were that for me and I think it’s why I have kept them all these years, but right now I wish I hadn’t.
“Are you going to talk?”
Shrugging, I reply, “I don’t know what to say.” I avert my eyes and chew the inside of my cheek.
“How about you answer the question,” he says as he sits up straighter.
“What does it matter, Judson? You’ve been home for a long time; they aren’t even relevant anymore.”
“Not that long. Less than a year. I’ll be the judge of whether they’re relevant or not, now where are they?”
“Why?”
“Where, Quince?” His eyes are hard, his tough-guy attitude firmly in place. Normally I could ignore that but this time I crumble under the weight of his stare. I’m such a mess that it doesn’t take much.
“Under my bed.”
“Here?”
I nod my head.
“I want to read them.”
My eyes widen to the size of saucers as I ask, “Why? Why do you care what they say?”
“I just want to read them. Can I?”
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nbsp; I shake my head. The panic is growing, buzzing in my mind like a swarm of bees. If he reads those letters he’ll know I’ve been in love with him for over 10 pathetic years and although I didn’t sit alone and wait for him, I also didn’t ever really move on either. As I continued the letters over the years, they started to read more like journal entries. My feelings are laid out clearly in each one. I should have tossed them when I moved in here. I don’t know why I didn’t. There was no need to keep all of those. I don’t re-read them or anything.
“Why not? You wrote those to me. That should make them mine. Did you tell me how big of an asshole I was?”
I shake my head. Humiliation burns warm on my cheeks as I think of the words I poured out on the paper to him.
“Well, no matter what they say I think I should be able to read them. I feel like I’m missing a big piece of my puzzle and something tells me I’ll find it in those letters.”
I shake my head again. “There’s nothing important in those letters.”
“Then why did you keep them?” Because I don’t know the answer, I give him a blank stare. Maybe throwing them away felt like letting go of him.
He sits there for a minute with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Okay, if you won’t give them to me then I’ll just take them.” He twists and lowers to the ground gingerly and looks under my bed.
“What?” I screech, sitting straight up, not expecting him to take them without consent.
“They aren’t yours to take. Just leave them, okay? I’ll throw them away tomorrow to prove they mean nothing.”
“Nope. I’ll dumpster-dive if I have to, but I’m reading those letters.”
“Why are you doing this, Judson?” I whine, feeling both angry and terrified.
“Because I need to know what they say.”
I sit very still, staring at him for a long time before I give in and say, “Fine, but you’ll be disappointed when you read them.” My tone is snotty in hopes of deterring him.
It doesn’t even faze him. “Okay, should I get them or will you?”
“I will,” I grumble.
I get down on my knees on the opposite side of the bed and pull a big plastic bin out from underneath it. His eyes widen when he catches sight of it. I carry it out my door, to his room and drop it on the bed with a huff like a petulant child. Then I stride back to my room, avoiding his eyes, embarrassed by what he’s about to read.
“Thank you,” he says as I turn into my room. I falter a step or two, but don’t say a word. Instead I turn off the light and get in bed. I can’t pick my book back up and I can’t fall asleep so I spend the next few hours looking at the ceiling in the dark. The night that spurred me to write those letters flutters through my mind like a movie.
It all started when I picked him up from the airport when he came to pack up his stuff and leave for boot camp. Some things in life you just remember like they were yesterday.
Chapter Seven
Quinn
I’ll never forget how I paced in front of baggage claim until I spotted Judson. What I saw scared me more than the idea of him leaving for the Navy. His normally tan skin was pale and dark circles shadowed his eyes. It was obvious he’d lost weight by the way his clothes were hanging off his body. This normally very handsome, confident man was obviously tired and world-weary. It broke my heart.
When I stepped into his line of sight his shoulders slumped like a little kid caught doing something wrong. He thought he could avoid me. I didn’t wait for him to speak, I strode up and threw my arms around his neck and squeezed. It took a second before he reacted by burying his face in my neck and holding me tight. Neither of us said a word. He finally released me and tried to wipe a tear away before I could see it.
He was only carrying a small duffel bag so I asked, “Got more luggage?”
He shook his head so we proceeded to the parking lot. When we got to his truck I tossed him the keys and climbed in the passenger side. He got in and shut the door, pulling the seat belt across his lap.
“How’d you know I was coming back?” His voice cut through the quiet of the truck.
“How do you think?” I gave him a look that let him know the question was stupid.
“So I guess you’ve heard what’s going on?”
“Yeah, I’ve heard one side of it. On the way home, we’re stopping at the diner for you to tell me your side, and then I’ll help you start packing.”
“You aren’t going to try to talk me out of it?” Disbelief filled his voice.
“No. It’s your life. I just want to hear what you have to say.”
“Okay.” I was not impressed with the one-word answer.
He pulled into a parking spot at the diner we frequented and we grabbed our usual booth. After a few minutes of silence, I asked, “SEALs, huh? Why?”
I remember studying his mannerisms carefully as he responded.
“I thought about it before I came to college, but Jenny never wanted to leave home and I knew we weren’t going to be stationed in Colorado Springs so I decided to go away to school for a few years, then move back and marry her when I was finished. I thought that would cure my wanderlust some. Back when I had options. Now I don’t. I can’t afford school even with the scholarship from the team. My mom needs help to make ends meet until she can sell the house and the farm. My brother’s still in law school and not able to help.
“This is the best way for me to have a future and provide for my mom. Not to mention it’s what I wanted in the first place. Jenny was the only reason I didn’t sign up straight out of high school. Right now the only things that make sense are making money to take care of my mom and doing what I want to do with my life. It’s too short to live the dreams that Jenny dreamed for us. When I get out of the Navy, college will be paid for, if I want to go back. As for the SEALs, I figured if I was going into the military, I was at least going to try to get the job I really wanted.”
My heart sunk a little but I fought not to show it. “Fair enough. Why’d you break up with Jenny? I thought you were in love with her. I mean you planned your whole life around what she wanted, so what changed?”
“Circumstances, I guess. I love her, I do, but I don’t want the same things she does. I want to see the world and do a job I’m proud of and help my mom so she’s not wondering where her next meal will come from. I should have fessed up to Jenny a while ago that I didn’t want the same things as she did. I realized while I was home dealing with everything that I love Jenny, but probably not the way I should. It never would’ve worked out with her, but until now I didn’t want to face that idea after so many years together.
“I’ve loved her for so long that the thought of letting her go so we could both get what we want was too painful. My dad just opened my eyes. I know someday I would’ve regretted it and I would’ve blamed her. I also know that if she were to marry me and move all over God’s green earth so she could see me when I’m not deployed, it would’ve left her hating me.
“I never wanted that for her or myself. I tried to let her down the best I could. She may not be able to see it now, but someday she will. She needs to find someone who isn’t settling for less than what they want in order to be with her. She needs someone who wants the life of a churchgoing, nine-to-five, soccer dad. It’s not me. It never was and I’m no longer afraid to face that.”
“Okay, I get it. Did you explain that? That’s not what she said to me.”
“Yeah, I tried. Maybe it didn’t come out right.” His eyes lowered to watch his plate as he swirled a French fry around in ketchup, never putting it in his mouth. It was hard for him, but he was right, if them being together meant one of them had to give up what they really wanted, then they shouldn’t have been together.
“Well, before you leave for boot camp you need to sit down and have that conversation with her, just like you did with me. She’ll be upset, but at least she’ll have a reason. Someday she’ll understand. Now,” I waited until he looked me in the eyes, “why di
dn’t you tell me you enlisted or that you were coming back to pack up your stuff?”
“I was afraid you’d freak out on me and I can’t take another freak-out. My mom lost her mind and so did Jenny. I couldn’t handle it from you, too.”
“What about your brother?”
“I think he was just glad he didn’t have to drop out of law school to help take care of mom’s bills. I don’t think he’s thrilled about it, but he knows it’s for the best.”
“I’m not going to freak out on you. I’m going to miss you, but I get it. I understand everything you’ve said to me. I’m your friend, Judson, I only want what’s best for you and if the Navy is the answer then that’s what I want.” A tentative smile crossed my lips to help smooth his tension. Inside, my heart was breaking. He was really leaving and he was going to put his life in danger in the worst possible way. I knew I might never see him again after that night. My stomach flipped unpleasantly and I forced another smile.
After stopping to pick up packing boxes at the local hardware store, we went back to his apartment and Judson spent about 20 minutes talking to Schmitty, his roommate, before he took off for a party. I stuck around with Judson to help pack. It was close to three in the morning when we finally finished so I plopped myself on his bed with a sigh. I was exhausted.
He dropped down next to me and asked, “You want to just crash here? I can drop you off at your place in the morning. I’m too tired right now.”
I twisted my head to look at him, “Yeah, that works. I’m too tired to move anyway.” What I didn’t say was I wanted every single second I could get with him before he left.
He adjusted the covers so they were over me instead of under me and turned off the light. I felt the bed dip when he crawled in next to me. Even though I knew it was wrong, like I was betraying Jenny, I wanted him to hold me. I wasn’t ready to let him go. He surprised me when his hand found mine in the dark and he laced our fingers together.