She paused at the truck while he opened her door. “You should consider the offer. That’s big-time. And back home in Florida, too.”
He pulled her closer and pressed his lips to her ear. “Haven’t you heard? Home is where the heart is.”
“But, Jess—”
He put his finger over her mouth. “Let’s deal with today’s issues.” Like kissing away the fear in her expression. His lips found hers for the slightest moment before she slipped from his grasp.
~~~
A tearful Jill greeted them in the hospital room. Nick sat on the bed holding her hand.
Sarah Beth’s stomach dropped to the linoleum beneath her feet. “What happened?”
Nick spoke when Jill couldn’t regain her composure. “The doctor said the baby isn’t developing at the proper rate. He wants Jill to go to the University Hospital in Jackson. They have more sophisticated sonogram technology and a specialist he wants her to see.”
Sarah Beth’s hands perspired, and her breathing became shallow. How would she get Jill to Jackson? The room started to sway. Jess’s arm wrapped around her waist.
“Katie’s going to stay with Chris and Kim.” Nick’s voice was calm. “I’ve already arranged to take off work, so I can drive her.”
Because he knew crazy Sarah Beth couldn’t handle it. Lowering her eyes, Sarah Beth forced a weak smile. “Of course, Nick. You’re such a good man. I appreciate you taking care of her. When will you be leaving?”
“Tonight.” Jill smiled through her tears. “They called ahead for us. I’ll be released soon, and we’ll pick up a few things at the pool house. Do you think you could pack my clothes and some peanut butter and crackers?”
“Of course.” Numbness travelled through her. She should go now. She couldn’t do anything more for her friend.
“I’m going to be okay, Sarah Beth. Don’t worry.”
She couldn’t meet Jill’s gaze. What good was she to anyone? Jill was trying to comfort her when she should be the one taking Jill to Jackson.
Jess took her hand. “Let me take you home. We can get your SUV later.”
“No.” Tears fuzzed her vision as she broke contact. What a failure she was. “I’m tired. Once Jill and Nick leave, I’ll call it a night. Goodbye, Jess.”
Back at home, Sarah Beth packed Jill’s bag, laid it on the front porch swing, went inside, and turned off the lights. She’d disappointed herself. She’d let Jill down.
It was one thing when the anxiety affected her own life. But now...the panic attacks, the crushing anxiety, the fear of leaving Oxford, not only hurt her, they hurt the people she loved the most.
Disappointment and frustration crushed her from all sides. Shaking, she climbed in the bed and pulled a pillow over her head. Her mind felt crumpled. The bars that held her tightened. Her safe haven had become her prison.
Chapter 39
“Coach, you got a minute?” The massive offensive lineman, Grant Vaughn, filled Jess’s office door.
“Just packing up for the day.” Jess motioned toward a chair. “Have a seat.”
Grant fingered the arm of the wingback without looking up or speaking.
“Personal or team related?” Maybe a little nudge would help.
“I heard you’re a Christian. Now, at least.”
Unexpected turn. “Yeah. I’d been to church some growing up, but never really took it to heart until recently. I committed my life.”
Grant finally made eye contact. “Would you mind praying for me?”
“Sure.” Did he mean right this minute? “About something specific?”
“You know, just temptations of college life. Partying and all. It’s hard always saying no, going against the grain.”
“I get it. It’s tough out there. Even when you’re my age.”
“Even for old guys, huh?” Grant smirked. “You might add my temper to the list, too. My sister says I have anger issues.”
Jess ran his fingers across his forehead. “I’ve noticed a time or two. Don’t mind when you take it out on the field...within the game’s boundaries, of course.” His abs tightened. He’d never prayed with anyone other than Sarah Beth or Chris. “You want me to, you know, say it now?”
Grant scooted to the edge of the chair. “Nah, I know you’ll cover me. Thanks, Coach.”
“You bet.” Jess rose to his feet to walk Grant out. “Hey, Grant.”
“Yeah?”
“Add me to your list, too.”
One side of Grant’s lips lifted. “Will do.”
He needed all the prayers he could get with everything on his plate. His life seemed to be coming together and falling apart at the same time. A sigh worked its way out as Jess watched his player walk away. Making a difference with these college guys had always meant something to him. Molding them into men. Once again, he wondered if he’d get the same satisfaction in the pros.
After shutting off the light, he made his way home. He tried Sarah Beth’s number again. Straight to voicemail. For five days, he’d called her. Over and over. Every single call unanswered.
He’d driven over and banged on her door. Nothing. She had to be upset about Jill. Maybe she was afraid of losing her friend, but Jill had returned from the Jackson hospital two days ago with instructions to stay in bed. At least, according to Nick, who visited her daily. Maybe that was the problem. Could Sarah Beth be jealous of Nick with Jill?
No. It must have been the Tampa Bay comment from Dr. Marlow. It was his own fault for not telling her. He had to do something.
Keys in hand, he cranked the truck and peeled out of his driveway, speeding toward Sarah Beth’s. The house was dark even though the SUV sat in the drive. He went to the door and knocked.
Nothing.
Nick’s truck was parked near the pool house. Maybe together, he and Jill could get him some answers. He didn’t have anything to lose at this point. Jess hurried down the back sidewalk and knocked.
The door swung open. Nick’s serious expression warned him that trouble brewed.
“Sorry to bother y’all.” Jess’s chest squeezed so tight, he felt his ribs would splinter. “I can’t get Sarah Beth to answer the door or my calls. Since the hospital...”
Jill waved him in from the sofa. “Come in and sit down.”
He pulled over a straight wooden chair from the adjoining kitchen, though nervous energy bounced his legs like a time when he'd waited twelve hours in the airport after missing a connecting flight. Only worse.
Jill raised her phone. “I’ve been worried, too. She’s checked on me when Nick’s not here, but doesn’t say much. Let me try to call her now.” She pressed the number and put the phone on speaker.
Sarah Beth answered on the second ring. “Hello, Jill. Are you okay?”
“Fine. We’re praying the baby will grow in time.” Jill cut the phone off speaker and raised it to her ear. “Nick’s convinced me that God’s in control. You don’t have to worry. I believe in the Lord, too.” She sighed. “But, what’s the matter with you, Sarah Beth?”
Jess cocked his head. He’d love to hear what she was saying.
“I don’t know. Are you sure there’s not something more that’s troubling you?” Jill paused. “Thoughts of Adam? He’d want you to be happy. I know he would, and you know it, too.”
A second later, the call ended, and Jill placed the phone on the sofa beside her. “She said she needed to be alone for a while, and didn’t want to talk about it, but it wasn’t about Adam or anyone else. It was about her.”
Jess let his head fall to his hands. “I don’t get it. Maybe she doesn’t want anything to do with me. Maybe I should take the offer from Tampa Bay.”
“Tampa Bay?” Shaking her head, Jill dialed another number. “No. You’re not. And I can’t take watching that dark house from my window another second. I’m doing something about it.”
~~~
Sarah Beth had pretended not to hear Jess knocking at the door. Every day. She’d crated Gingie when she’d heard his tr
uck.
He hadn’t come by today, though. Not even a phone call. Maybe he’d finally given up. He could move on with his life in Florida. That was his dream, after all. And he could find a nice normal woman there to have a family with.
She huddled under a blanket on the couch and mashed her eyes closed. Why couldn’t she take her best friend to a hospital three hours away? When Jill needed her most, she’d failed her. Why couldn’t she get better? Was this some kind of punishment?
The front doorknob rattled, then opened.
“What in the world?” Sarah Beth’s head popped up. Where was the key to the gun cabinet? She threw off the blanket and ran to the kitchen.
Footsteps echoed through the door and down the hall. No time. She pulled an iron skillet off the hook and hid behind the door, ready to swing.
A tall shadow moved through the archway toward the living room. Sarah Beth screamed and swung.
The man ducked and clutched her arms. “I see you finally figured out a use for that skillet.”
“Mark? What are you doing here? You scared me to death.”
“I didn’t think you’d be home. Shouldn’t you be at work?” Mark pried the skillet from her fist and set it on the hall table. “Aren’t you going to give me a hug?”
She fell into his arms, unleashing a torrent of tears onto his shoulder.
“What’s wrong? You have your friends worried about you.”
“I’m taking a vacation. I haven’t taken off since...” She spoke between sobs. “Did Jill call? She didn’t need to bother you.”
“Jess called me, too. He says you won’t answer the phone or the door. Your boss, Bill, called. Chris called. Dean Latham called. Are you getting the picture? You have a lot of people who care about you.”
Weeping shook her entire body.
Mark pulled keys from his pocket. “Come on, we’re riding out to Sardis Lake.”
The sun set earlier now, streaming sharp reds and pinks across the western sky. They arrived at the lake and perched on the bumper of his SUV. Mark nudged her elbow with his. “Sarah Beth, you’ve run so hard and pushed yourself your whole life. That mindset allowed you to achieve success in athletics, academics, and your career, but there are some situations you can’t push past or run through. Some trials take time and patience and faith.”
“I’ve had time. I’ve tried to be patient and have faith. Nothing’s changed.”
“Remember when I called you in Los Angeles and counseled you about taking baby steps back to the Lord?”
She nodded.
“You’re going to have to be patient with yourself and be satisfied with your baby steps with the Lord at your side. You’ve accomplished so much through the past months, despite your self-perceived weakness and failure. The church in Honduras is funded and being built. Your friend Nick and his daughter are involved with church again. Jess, and now Jill, have become believers. The campus ministry is growing. You’ve taught and influenced dozens of college students. I’ve heard your work for the Foundation is incredible.” Mark gave her a little punch. “Hey, you even saved a weird-looking stray puppy.”
“I don’t know.” She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “I just want to be well again. Normal. I hate these panic attacks.”
He patted her knee. “The apostle Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he begged the Lord to take away, but in the end the Lord answered Paul, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ We don’t always get the answer we want or think we deserve. Sometimes we learn to live with the answer we didn’t want—the weakness—and that requires a much larger faith, as far as I’m concerned. Now, I’m not telling you to give up on getting back to what you call normal. I’m saying to do your best one day at a time, and be okay with where you are that day.”
“I feel like I’m an addict or something with that whole one day at a time thing.”
“What you’re going through will give you more compassion than the average person because you understand what it’s like to try to get through a day carrying a burden. God can use everything you’re going through to help others. You can inspire and comfort hurting people in ways that normal people can’t.”
They fell silent watching the last of the magenta sphere sink into the horizon.
The next morning, the hinges to Sarah Beth’s bedroom door creaked, and footsteps padded into her room. Mark better not—
A pillow swatted her head. “Rise and shine.”
“Too early.” Her eyes cracked and then reopened to the blurry sunlight streaming through the window.
“It’s time for a run, a shower—which you really need by the way—and then we’re heading to campus. I brought my laptop and top-secret FBI work along. We can share your office.”
She couldn’t help but smile at her big brother, even though he’d always been so obnoxious in the morning. Rising with a groan, Sarah Beth fumbled around the floor for her shoes. How would she have survived life without her Mark? And how had he turned out so perfect when she was so messed up?
~~~
Crimson haze reflected on the surface of the lake. The weight on Sarah Beth’s soul lightened with each step. Everything Mark had said the past few days made sense. Of course.
Life would go on, and she’d deal with it one day at a time. One moment at a time if necessary. She pointed toward the west. “The sky’s been so beautiful out here all week, but the days are getting shorter.” Her teeth dug into her lower lip. “I’m sorry I worried you. And everyone.”
Mark blew out a long exhale. “If Mom were still here, what would she do before she left? You know, girlie stuff?” He clicked his tongue. “I got it. Tomorrow, I’ll take you to get one of those mani-pedi things and a new outfit, maybe a haircut. Isn’t that what girls do to feel better?”
Laughing, she gave him a playful punch. “Please never say mani-pedi again. But, I could use your help picking out some new running shoes. And if you can stay one more night, we can go watch a soccer game.”
“Yes.” Mark flashed a grateful smile. “That’s why I love my baby sister. Girlie, but not too girlie.”
Back at the car, she leaned on the hood, laying her phone down. “It’s your fault, you know? I always wanted to be just like my big brother. Except without hairy legs.”
“Lucky for you, they make razors.”
“Hush, or I’ll take you to the nail salon.”
“Just kidding.” He picked up the phone and held it in front of her face. “Now call poor Jess and apologize for not answering his calls.”
She stood motionless, chewing her lip. What would she say?
“He at least deserves an explanation.”
“Fine.” Sarah Beth touched the screen and waited four rings before voicemail picked up. “Jess, sorry I haven’t answered your calls or knocks. It was about me, not you. And uh... Well, bye.” She ended the call. What was she doing? She should’ve hung up and called back later, but that would be weird, too.
Mark furrowed his eyebrows. “What was that?”
“I left a message.”
“First class, Sarah Beth.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.” Now Jess would think she was even crazier.
Chapter 40
Jess had listened to the stupid message ten times. He tucked the phone in his pocket and started his truck. What did Sarah Beth mean? It was about her. At least she’d called, but nothing in her voice said she wanted to be with him—or even talk to him again. He’d put off the coaches in Tampa all week, but he had to give them an answer soon. Then there was the recruiting situation. When would that be resolved? Why had life suddenly become so complicated?
The short drive to church wasn’t long enough to decide what he’d say or do when he saw her. If he saw her. He’d puzzled over the message for two sleepless nights. But his commitment to serve the Lord wasn’t based on Sarah Beth, so he ignored that little tug to stay home.
Since meeting this woman, the insecurity that railed
him reminded him of standing on train tracks. He heard the train but didn’t know if it was about to crush him or to pick him up for a great journey.
The church came into view. He was here. Now to decide where to sit.
~~~
The temperature had fallen while they’d been in church. A cold front must’ve been moving through. Sarah Beth shivered as she stood beside Mark in the parking lot. He chatted with Dean Latham and his wife.
Jess walked down the sidewalk toward them, but he hadn’t joined them in the balcony where they usually sat together. Who could blame him after she’d behaved like such a nut?
Still, it pinched her heart.
She gave him a little wave. He regarded her with dark-circled eyes. A lump knotted in her throat. She crossed the parking lot in a jog. “Hey, did you get my message?”
“Yes.” One shoulder lifted as he shook his head. “But I didn’t know what you wanted me to do. You didn’t say call back.”
“I’m sorry. When I couldn’t take Jill to the hospital in Jackson, I felt like such a failure as a friend and a human being. I—”
“Great game last week.” Mark caught up and shook Jess’s hand. “I liked how we held on through the fourth quarter. Your quarterback’s got some guns on him. Too bad this was bye week. I would’ve liked to watch my team play.”
A weak smile crossed Jess’s face. “Thanks. Did you catch the New Orleans-Tampa Bay game?”
She lagged behind and took stock of the view, Jess and Mark talking sports, all the way to the SUV. They got along well, but she’d been trying to apologize.
Dean Latham cornered all three of them. “Come to lunch. We’ve missed the company.”
Jess looked to Mark. “I don’t want to intrude.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Clapping Jess’s shoulder, Mark pointed with his other hand and made a face at Sarah Beth. “You’re in charge of this nut when I leave after lunch.”
“Nice, Mark.” She shot him a pointed stare.
Leaving Oxford Page 25