by Susan Lewis
‘How much do you think we raised?’ Tessa said, coming to join Allyson.
Allyson turned round, concealing the jolt in her heart with a vaguely distracted smile. How close had the girl been standing, she wondered. Close enough to hear what she and Bob were saying? Her limpid black eyes showed only a quiet eagerness to share her information, and perhaps a faint hint of surprise that Allyson was failing to reply. Oh God, this was an impossible situation, with so many emotions and loyalties getting her in such a state of confusion. So maybe she should just keep remembering that she adored this girl, who she knew would never do anything to hurt her, perhaps then she would stop this nonsense and start behaving like the calm and rational adult she was. ‘Five hundred,’ she guessed, looking round at the clutches of spectators.
Tessa’s face broke into a delighted smile. ‘Better,’ she cried. ‘Nine hundred and twenty.’
Allyson was genuinely impressed. ‘Fantastic,’ she said. ‘There were obviously more people here than I realized.’ How hard it was to care about anything else when your life could be falling apart. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t! ‘You’ll have to get on to Wendy Peacemaker in the morning,’ she said, ‘find out how much we’ve totalled so far. We should be up around fourteen thousand by now, almost enough for a bus. My parents are donating, by the way. You’d better call my mother tomorrow and remind her. Oh, and find out when the guy from Human Rights Watch is flying in from the Balkans. He’s on Wednesday’s show, but I think he arrives on Tuesday. Sort him out a hotel, and if he’s up to it, Bob and I will take him to dinner.’ Had it really been necessary to add that?
‘Which restaurant?’ Tessa asked, as she noted down her instructions.
‘Let me see. What about the Pharmacy in Notting Hill? No, let’s take him to … Hey, Kathy, what was that restaurant you were telling me about earlier?’ she shouted over to one of the soap stars. ‘The one on Fulham Road.’
‘It’s on Brompton Road,’ the actress answered, wandering over, a couple of autograph-hunters in tow. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow with the number.’ She finished signing, then turned back to Allyson. ‘This has been a terrific day, Ally,’ she said. ‘Those kids are something else.’
‘Aren’t they?’ Allyson agreed, smiling. ‘Are you going to come into the house for a drink before you leave?’
‘Sure. Lead me to it.’
‘What about you, Tessa?’
‘Um, I’d like to,’ Tessa answered, starting to blush, ‘but I don’t like driving in the dark, so I should probably start making tracks.’
‘OK,’ Allyson said, and because it was something she normally did, she gave the girl a hug. ‘Drive safely now, won’t you?’ she said. ‘And thanks for all your help today.’
Tessa smiled a shy goodbye to Kathy, whose eyebrows went up in response, and stayed that way as she watched the girl walk away. ‘Tell me it’s not true,’ she said when Tessa was safely out of earshot.
‘It’s not,’ Allyson responded.
‘But you want to kill her all the same.’
Allyson laughed. ‘No, of course not,’ she said, and to avoid any further probing she went off to find out if anyone else wanted to come into the house for a drink.
Bob was a long time taking the kids back and returning the bus. Eventually Allyson had to call taxis to take everyone to the station. She’d tried his mobile a dozen times, but he had it switched off, and she’d reached such a pitch of anxiety by now that there was just no way she could stop herself fearing the worst. Though whether the worst had him smashed up in an accident, or in full flight to a love nest with Tessa, wasn’t terribly clear.
She stared down at the bath she’d filled in an attempt to disguise her fears to her guests and make them think she was so unruffled by Bob’s disappearance that she was planning, as soon as they left, to take a long, soothing soak before he came home. She’d even lit candles, and scented the water. Then, when everyone had gone, she continued the delusion by returning to the bathroom and taking off her clothes.
This was a horrible feeling, horrible and frightening. Her body was rigid, as though tensing for a terrible blow. And it was so discouraging, the way her mind kept speeding off down the road to disaster, imagining all kinds of pain and betrayal, when in reality there was so little to fuel the fear. Except maybe the horrifying recall of how many of her friends’ husbands had abandoned them for younger women, turning their backs on lifelong relationships, shattering shared dreams and memories, destroying lives and totally screwing up their children. She’d never doubted that she’d stand by Bob were he to be beaten about by a midlife crisis, but she’d never considered what she’d do if he didn’t want her – if he chose to break free and tie himself to another woman. There was no room for her in that scenario, no need of her, except maybe as someone to blame for all his ills. She knew a lot of men who had done that, who had torn up their wives, both emotionally and physically, then in a vain and cruel effort to assuage the guilt they laid the blame at the wife’s door. ‘If only she had been different …’ ‘If only she had understood …’ ‘If only she had listened …’ A thousand ifs, all designed to justify the cold and callous stranger the husband had turned into. Some men recovered, and after months, even years, of utter hell, their wives forgave them and took them back. But was it ever the same again? What happened to the trust? Was it possible to rebuild it?
She felt suddenly helpless and bewildered as she tried to plot her way through this alien land of adultery and deception. But of course she might very well not be in such a place, for she had to remember that it was her own imagination that was concocting this fear, and pushing her headlong into the jaws of disaster, as though it couldn’t wait to get there. So maybe the first step was to try to find out what was really happening. The thought had no sooner entered her head than she was taking off her dressing-gown and slipping into the water, as though by continuing with things that were normal she could escape the common sense that might take her further into the thorny territory of lies and betrayal.
Was she completely mad? There was nothing normal about lying in the bath when Bob was so late home. She looked at the time on the radio clock. Actually, he wasn’t that late. He’d only been gone an hour and a half, and he might have stopped in at the pub on his way back. So perhaps she should ring the pub. There was a phone right next to the bath, she could use that. It would seem quite airy and casual if Ron heard the swish of water, like she was washing up, or watering the plants, or taking a bath. No panic, no need for concern. Just wondered if Bob was there, because he said he might pop back.
He wouldn’t be there and she knew it, so why put herself through the misery of asking? She’d give his mobile another try and if it still wasn’t switched on she’d … She’d decide after what she’d do next.
It rang, and rang, then to her amazement he answered. ‘Bob?’ she cried. ‘Where the hell are you? I’ve been trying to ring you …’
‘Listen, if you think I’m shagging your damned assistant in some ditch somewhere, then get off the line,’ he growled. ‘I’m waiting for the AA to call back. Bloody bus has conked out on me.’
‘Then why didn’t you call and say so? I’ve been worried sick. What about the kids? Are they still with you?’
‘No. They’re back at the Hall. I’m about three miles from Vic’s, and guess what, his bloody answerphone’s on, so fat lot of use he is.’
His disgruntlement was suddenly making her laugh. ‘Do you want me to come and get you?’ she offered, feeling quite elated now by his annoying predicament.
At his end Bob looked down at Tessa. Her ruffled head was resting on his shoulder, her smooth plump legs were curled up on the front seat of his car. ‘You could,’ he said into the phone, ‘but I can’t just abandon things here. I’ll wait for the AA and they can take me and the bus to Vic’s where I’ll pick up my car. Tape the match for me, will you? It’s on at nine twenty.’
‘Surely you’ll be back by then.’
‘I bloody well ho
pe so. But just in case.’
‘Did you call your office to let them know you’ll be late in the morning?’
‘No. I’ll just get up at the crack of dawn,’ he said, starting to feel irritated that he’d switched the phone back on, but he’d known she’d be worried and it wasn’t fair to put her through that.
‘You could be pretty tired,’ she said softly.
‘I’ll survive,’ he responded brusquely. ‘Listen, I’d better ring off in case the AA’s trying to get through.’
‘Bob,’ she said teasingly, ‘I don’t think you got what I was saying.’
He had, but with Tessa right there beside him …
‘I was hoping we could pick up where we left off this morning,’ she murmured.
He looked at Tessa, and a sudden wild and graphic fantasy of having sex with them both – Allyson on the phone, Tessa here in the car – broke out in his mind. ‘We can do that,’ he said, his voice seeming tight in his throat as he attempted to push the fantasy away. But he could already feel himself hardening, surging towards a place where the shame of his disloyalty and disgrace of his conscience were becoming obscured by the might of his lust. He could get Allyson to tell him what she wanted, and while she was talking he could do it all to Tessa.
‘I’m lying here in the bath, waiting for you,’ Allyson whispered.
He could see her, a translucent web of bubbles covering her nudity, desire glowing darkly in the eyes he knew so well. Oh God, if only she would get off the line. It would be all right, if she would just let him hang up. But even as he was thinking it his hand was slipping under Tessa’s skirt, caressing her thigh.
‘I’m imagining you stroking me,’ Allyson said throatily.
‘How does it feel?’ His hand was moving higher under Tessa’s skirt.
‘Good,’ she responded. ‘Mmm, I can feel your fingers touching me, doing all kinds of wonderful things to me. Oh yes!’ she murmured warmly. ‘I love it when you push them up inside me.’
‘Open your legs wide,’ he told her.
Tessa looked at him, clearly wondering if he was talking to her. His eyes told her he was. Oh God, this was a dangerous game, and so unbelievably erotic there was just no way he could stop. Then, putting a finger over Tessa’s lips, he switched the phone on to speaker.
‘Can you still hear me, darling?’ he said. ‘I need my hands free if you’re going to go on like this.’
It was the sound of Allyson’s laugh as it came gently into the car that finally jolted him to his senses. He could hardly believe what he was doing, was so appalled that for a moment he seemed paralysed by the shock of it.
Somehow he managed to mumble that he had to go, the AA had arrived, which made Allyson laugh again, and almost, finally, made him laugh too, for he could see why she would think that was funny. Though all he felt was overwhelming relief that she had no way of knowing what he’d almost done, for the shame was already too bitter to bear.
‘Why did you do that?’ Tessa said, as he tucked the phone back in its wallet. ‘Why did you lie to her? You said the AA was here …’
He was incredulous. ‘You surely weren’t expecting me to tell her you were here,’ he cried.
Her head went down. ‘No, of course not,’ she answered. Her hands were bunched in her lap, her fingernails were painted with a dark red polish that she started to pick.
He already regretted his outburst, for the way he’d referred to her had been disparaging and unnecessarily hurtful. But it was a peculiar question and he was still racked with the horror of the unspeakable betrayal he’d just come so close to committing. But that wasn’t any excuse for taking it out on her. The crime was totally his, and it only shamed him further to belittle her.
In an effort to make amends he reached out and covered her hands, then touching his fingers lightly to her cheek he turned her to face him. Her eyes were rarely easy to read, they were so frequently masked in caution, and it made his heart ache to see that was how she was looking at him now, almost as though she feared him.
‘You should bite back,’ he told her. ‘When I snap like that, you should bite back and put me in my place.’
Her smile was tremulous, then she made a playful snap at his hand, catching his fingers between her teeth. His eyes were still on her face, and as he traced the sultry outline of her lips he could feel himself falling slowly, inexorably, into the depths of her adoration. She so rarely got angry, and was never judgemental. She just allowed him to be himself, and accepted, even embraced, all his flaws and weaknesses as though they were as vital and precious as any other part of him. He wondered what he would do if she wanted to end their affair. Would he try to stop her? Of course, because he couldn’t bear even the thought of giving her up. That he should even be thinking this was madness, but knowing her, wanting her, being so utterly consumed by her was more than madness, it was death to everything he knew and held dear. So why was he here? Why didn’t he make himself walk away from her now?
His answer was to lean his head forward and bring her mouth to his. He kissed her in small, tender touches, tasting her, embracing her, pulling her so far into his heart he could barely support the weight of his feelings. When at last he looked into her eyes, she said, ’Do you really love me?’
He answered, ‘Yes.’
But she seemed troubled, and sensing she wanted to tell him what was on her mind, he tilted her chin so that she could look nowhere but at him and whispered, ‘Just say it.’
She nodded. Then bunching her hands around his, she said, ‘Allyson said you were starting a family. In the pub earlier …’
He sighed and sat back in his seat. ‘We’ve already talked about that,’ he reminded her. ‘In the bus on the way to get the kids.’
‘But you didn’t say if it was true.’
He turned to look at her, letting his eyes roam over the pale softness of her skin that was spattered with the shadows of raindrops. ‘It would be extremely irresponsible for me to be seriously considering having a baby with Allyson when I feel the way I do about you,’ he said tersely.
She was looking at him so intently, seeming to immerse herself in his every word. ‘But you do want to have a baby?’ she said.
‘Allyson does,’ he answered. ‘And yes, I suppose I do too, after all, I’m not getting any younger, and what you see in an old codger like me …’
Laughing, she squeezed his hand to her cheek. ‘I keep asking myself the same question,’ she teased.
‘And what answer do you come up with?’
Her eyes slanted out to the night as she thought, then her humour started to fade as she sighed, ‘There are no answers. Not for us.’ She looked at him again. ‘Maybe if we could all live together … Allyson and I could share you …’
His eyes were like saucers. ‘Oh, I can see that going down a treat with Allyson,’ he scoffed. But of course she didn’t mean it.
She laughed, and they sat quietly then, side by side in the darkness, watching the jagged journey of raindrops as they ran down the window. He knew he should leave, that they couldn’t go on sitting here like this all night, but it was so hard letting her go, knowing she had to drive all the way to London, alone and in the dark. He pictured them driving together, cutting through the night in a fast-moving car, secure and warm in their togetherness, untouched by a world outside. Excuses for not going home started sliding into his mind, but each one of them disintegrated into nonsense, for there were no excuses – there were only lies and betrayal.
‘I’m cold,’ she said.
He started the engine and turned on the heater. Then opening his arms he pulled her against him and kissed the top of her head. He adored the smell of her, it was so fresh and natural, like newly cut grass or ripening fruit. Was that what he had fallen for first, the refreshing, invigorating fragrance of her youth? He thought back to the beginning and how this had started, three short months ago, when she’d touched his hand in the privacy of Allyson’s office, and seemed for a moment to be engaged
only in that, as though he as a man didn’t exist beyond that hand. Then she’d raised her eyes to his and smiled as she’d told him how Allyson had confessed to loving his hands, and she, Tessa, could see why. Looking back, there was a chance he’d known then that this girl was going to change his life, though if that were true, he had to ask himself why hadn’t he stopped it then? Easier maybe to ask himself why he didn’t stop it now, but he had no answer for that either. All he knew was that of all the women he had slept with throughout his marriage, women that obviously Allyson knew nothing about, and who were much more experienced and even more beautiful than Tessa, none had ever been the threat to his marriage that she was now. No-one had even come close. So why her? Why now? And why weren’t the horrendous consequences this could have making a difference?
She looked up at him and waited for him to kiss her, which of course he did.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asked, as she wound her fingers around his and began to play with his wedding ring.
She laughed, then glanced at him shyly. ‘I was just thinking …’ She stopped and took a breath. ‘It’s going to sound daft, but I was wondering if we, you and me, were meant to be. You know, like some divine power looked down from the sky and said, those two people should be together, so I got sent to my job just so we could meet.’
Though he laughed at the girlish nonsense, his throat became suddenly tight, for maybe it would explain why he, a man who had always been so in control of his life, now seemed anything but. Then, making light of it, he said, ‘I wonder where it sent you from? My dreams or my nightmares?’
‘Just from Peckham,’ she said.
Smiling, he pulled her back into his arms. ‘I should go,’ he said after a while.
‘I know.’
‘When will I see you?’
‘Whenever you like.’ She turned to face him. ‘Shall we make love again?’