by Susan Lewis
‘Cashmere?’ he said, referring to the figure-revealing, winter-white dress she was wearing. ‘No underwear, I can tell.’
‘Geoffrey!’ she cried, smiling warmly. ‘How are you? It’s lovely to see you.’
‘Shelley Bronson!’ the large elderly man responded. ‘I was just talking about you the other day. How are you?’
‘Terrific. Let’s catch up after the show,’ she said.
Bob nodded at the man and continued after Shelley. ‘Have I done something to upset you?’ he said, as they reached the bar.
Shelley passed him a tray and treated him to a look that penetrated even his thick skin.
‘Boy, seems like I’m really in trouble,’ he joked.
‘Did you buy that girl the ring she’s wearing?’ Shelley demanded.
His disarming grey eyes dilated. ‘What ring? What girl?’ he said.
Shelley turned away and reached over for two glasses of champagne. There had been many times when she’d understood perfectly why Allyson was so devoted to Bob, for the man had the charm of the devil and a side to his nature that was as genuinely compassionate and loving as any woman could wish for. But there were equally as many times when Shelley wondered how Allyson could stand the sight of him. Now was one of them. ‘She’s told everyone she’s engaged to someone called Phil,’ she said, putting the drinks on the tray.
‘Who are we talking about?’ Bob enquired.
‘The jailbait you’ve been screwing for the past three months,’ Shelley replied, smiling sweetly.
Bob laughed. ‘Shelley,’ he said, ‘I’m beginning to think you might be jealous.’
Shelley looked at him pityingly, then turned back for more champagne. ‘Just exactly what are you trying to do?’ she asked. ‘How did that story leak out?’
‘I rather thought you’d have the answer to that,’ he countered.
Shelley rolled her eyes. ‘Why don’t you try asking your child bride-to-be,’ she said.
Bob was still grinning. ‘You know, there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you, Shelley,’ he said. ‘Is it true you’re a lesbian?’
Her eyes closed as she shook her head in dismay. More response than that was simply beneath her dignity to give.
‘You’re forty-two years old, you’ve never been married, and no-one ever sees you with the same man twice,’ he informed her, as if he’d only just realized it. Then his hand went up. ‘Correction, we never see you with a man, full stop. So tell me, when was the last time you had an affair? Come on, speak the truth. Say the truth out loud.’
Her head went to one side as she smiled straight into his eyes. ‘And I thought it was a woman hell couldn’t match for fury.’
He scowled. ‘So says a man-hater,’ he responded, though she could tell he hadn’t quite worked out what she’d meant.
‘It’s an old and trusty tactic to go on the attack when you’ve got no defence,’ she said, disdainfully helping him out. ‘It just doesn’t work with me.’ She moved in a little closer and spoke very softly. ‘If I were you, Bob, I’d give that girl up,’ and sweeping past him she headed back into the crowd.
Tessa was sitting at a small round table in the middle of the packed pub, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her leather jacket, her chubby white knees poking through the frayed holes of her jeans. The band had finished playing, the jukebox was blaring, though it was only just audible through the din of raised and jubilant voices. As Julian carried two halves of lager through the crowd he was frequently stopped and congratulated – the gig had definitely gone down well.
‘Everyone’s saying you were brilliant,’ Tessa told him, as he sat down.
‘Yeah, it seems to have got them all going. Cheers.’
‘Cheers,’ she echoed. She drank, and pretended not to notice him signalling the rest of the band to keep a distance. Then putting down her glass she said, ‘I’m really glad I came. It’s a really cool band.’
He gave a nonchalant shrug, and as his eyes moved from the radiant loveliness of her face to the ring on her left hand, he said, ‘How come your boyfriend didn’t show up?’
‘He’s working. I might see him later though.’
Julian wasn’t good at hiding his disappointment. ‘So how long have you been going out with him?’ he asked.
She shrugged. ‘A few months.’
He drank some more lager, then sat staring at the glass as he put it back on the table. ‘That thing in the paper yesterday,’ he said, ‘about you and Bob Jaymes …’
‘Oh, that was terrible,’ she gasped. ‘It got me really upset when I saw it. And then I had to go down to Bath to Allyson’s place to help with this charity thing. I wanted to die when I saw her. She was sooo not happy with me.’
‘What did she say?’
‘Well not much really, but I could tell she was upset. Then she started trying to push me and Bob together, like she was trying to prove something, though don’t ask me what. It was so embarrassing, and it was horrible seeing how hurt she was. I just wish I could have said something to make her feel better, but I knew if I kept on denying it it was only going to end up making it look worse.’
Though Julian managed to retain his look of understanding and sympathy, he was having a hard time keeping the delight off his boyish face. Not that he didn’t think yesterday must have been awful for Tessa, but for some reason Bob Jaymes seemed to be a bigger threat than the mysterious fiancé, which was a bit absurd, but he was definitely feeling more hopeful now he knew that he wasn’t in competition with someone as sophisticated and out there as Bob Jaymes. ‘I’ll bet anything the bloke fancies you though,’ he said. ‘Everyone does. I mean, all the blokes.’
She laughed. ‘No they do not,’ she said, slapping his wrist.
‘Oh yes they do.’
She turned to him and looked frankly into his face, then laughed when he boggled frankly back. ‘What about you?’ she challenged. ‘Have you got a girlfriend?’
Now he was embarrassed, because the truth was he’d never really had much luck with girls, and it was only because Tessa was always so friendly in the office, and seemed so interested in anything he had to say, that he’d found the courage to ask her to come tonight. ‘Well, there’s this chick I’ve been seeing,’ he said, trying to sound cool, ‘but we’re not, you know, serious.’
‘And what about your career? Are you going to carry on in telly, or really make a go of it with the band?’
‘TV pays the bills, but if we could get a good break, you know, sign some kind of deal, I’d be out of that door faster than you could say Soirée. I’d miss it though, it’s a good programme to work on. Great crew. Great bosses.’
Tessa was nodding her agreement. ‘What do you think of Shelley?’ she asked.
He pulled a face, as if to say ‘you have to ask?’
‘I think she’s amazing,’ Tessa said. ‘She kind of scares me though. I don’t think she likes me very much.’
‘I don’t know if Shelley likes anyone, except Shelley – and Allyson. But she’s OK to work for. What about you, do you see yourself staying with the programme?’
‘Oh God I hope so,’ she answered. ‘Allyson’s been helping me get some experience, you know, letting me go and work with the researchers and reporters when I’m not busy. Shall I tell you my secret ambition? You want to hear what it is? Well, I’ve got this amazing dream that one day I’ll be just like her. You know, famous and successful and,’ she laughed self-consciously, ‘right up there in the spotlight where everyone loves me and no-one can touch me.’
She turned to look at him, her big eyes seeming to seek his approval, though her lips were still parted in laughter. ‘We used to do a kind of news programme every week at college,’ she said. ‘I did the reporting for that. I suppose that’s what gave me the taste for it. I’ve done a few pieces to camera lately, you know, for Soirée. Allyson says Shelley really rates them, which is great, but I don’t know how much good it’ll do me, not while all this is going on.’
/> Julian suppressed the offer of help that sprang to his lips. After all, there was zippo someone like him could do, and she’d probably think him a right prat for even imagining there was. Finally, after racking his brains for something else to say, he came up with, ‘So, are you from London? You sound like you are.’
‘Mmm,’ she answered, drinking. ‘I was born in Wimbledon. I live in Peckham now though.’
‘And your parents?’
‘They’re both dead.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’
She was staring down at her glass, so it was hard for him to tell if he’d just sent her off on a downer.
‘What about brothers and sisters?’ he asked cautiously.
‘No, just me.’ She turned to him and smiled. ‘What about you?’ she asked.
‘Me? Two brothers.’
‘Lucky you. I always wanted to have a brother.’
‘You could always adopt me,’ he said, then groaned. ‘God, how corny can you get?’
‘You’re so funny,’ she laughed. ‘I think it would be great having you as a brother. For one thing, I could get to go to all your gigs.’
‘Then don’t forget to bring your friends, seeing as you’re not available any more.’
Her eyes narrowed with playful laughter. ‘It’s a deal,’ she said. Then glancing at her watch, ‘I think I’d better get going. I told Phil I’d be home by eleven.’
He walked her to the battered old Beetle that she seemed to have abandoned rather than parked on the Kings Road, then after an awkward moment of not knowing whether to kiss her or not and deciding he couldn’t because of Phil, which helped him out no end because he didn’t have the nerve anyway, he stood watching the car as she drove away. He was trying to compare her with all the other girls he knew, the ones his brothers went out with, but as she wasn’t like any one of them he kept coming up blank. And there wasn’t anyone he could ask about her either, because he didn’t know any of her friends. She didn’t even seem that close to anyone in the office, except Allyson, of course, but he could hardly go and ask Allyson, and now he came to think about it he wasn’t all that keen to discuss her anyway. For one thing it would feel a bit disloyal, and for another, the idea of being the only one who really got to know her was starting to appeal. He’d feel kind of privileged, being in her confidence, as though he had one up on everyone else, for the general gossip about her was that she could be hiding some dark and dastardly secret because she never invited anyone home, and rarely socialized with any of them either. But no-one was ever really vicious about her, she was much too likeable for that. They were just curious, like he was, and where there was curiosity there was always imagination, and he could imagine lots of things about Tessa Dukes, which was why he was really sorry that he hadn’t managed to get in before this Phil bloke, because she was just the kind of girl he could be inspired to write songs for.
‘Hi, it’s me.’
‘Hello you. Where are you?’
‘I just slipped out. The party’s still going on. Where have you been all evening? I was trying to call you.’
‘I went to watch a band.’
Bob turned sharply as the fire-escape door he was next to crashed open and a drunken couple lurched out into the alley. He turned away, hiding his face in the shadows before anyone recognized him. ‘I miss you,’ he said.
‘I miss you too. Can you come over?’
‘I don’t think so. We’re going straight home after this.’
Changing the subject she said, ‘The Phil thing seems to have worked.’
‘You know, I just don’t get you,’ he responded. ‘I thought you wanted me to leave, so we could be together.’ Not that he was actually offering, it was just what he’d thought. Or maybe he was offering, for the idea of feasting himself on her completely, knowing how much she adored him, how much he adored her, how full and different their lives could be if they were together all the time, if they didn’t have to worry about anyone else, if the lies could end and the betrayal could be over … It was crazy and he knew it, but the urgency that was attached to his longing was reaching a level where he could think of nothing but her, of how much he wanted her, how he hated having to leave her, how terrified he was of another man coming into her life … Christ, he’d even started to feel jealous of this Phil character, fictitious though he was, but in his way Phil was coming between them, because he was a ruse to throw Allyson off the scent, when really Allyson should be told … Christ, he was going out of his mind. He couldn’t tell Allyson. But the insane truth was that Tessa only had to mention another man’s name to inflame him with a mad urge to rush over there and claim her as his.
‘I do want us to be together,’ she was saying, ‘more than anything, but I can’t lose my job. Allyson …’
‘I know,’ he answered, cutting her off. He had no desire to talk about Allyson. He couldn’t stand to be reminded of anything that stood in their way, especially something that could fire up his conscience the way Allyson did. And as for the job … That problem was surmountable, ‘Because,’ he explained, ‘they can’t fire you. You haven’t done anything wrong, not from the company’s point of view, and even if they tried you could sue for wrongful dismissal.’ Boy, was he glad no-one else could hear him right now, not only because of the despicable disloyalty, but because of the way it proved how deeply, and treacherously, he’d thought about this. But all that aside, he was right, they couldn’t fire her, and if they were ever to be together he needed to look out for her and make sure no-one ever tried to hurt her.
‘You might be right,’ she said, ‘but I couldn’t do that to Allyson.’
Allyson. Allyson. It always came down to Allyson. But that was a resentment he had to get under control. ‘No, of course not,’ he said. ‘I’m just saying, you wouldn’t necessarily lose your job if we … Well, you know what I’m saying.’
‘I think so,’ she said softly.
There was a long and emotion-charged moment as they listened to each other breathing and thought about what he’d just implied. He’d implied it lots of times before, but since the story in yesterday’s paper it had all started to feel so much more possible, even, maybe, inevitable.
‘I wish you could come over now,’ she said.
His head went back against the wall as he closed his eyes. ‘God, I wish I could,’ he groaned, already trying to think of an excuse. ‘But there’s just no way.’
‘Then why don’t I come over there?’ she said. ‘I want to kiss you.’
‘I want to kiss you too, baby, but it looks like we’ll have to wait till morning. I’ll come over early.’
‘Very early?’ she said, sighing deeply.
‘Very,’ he promised.
‘I love my ring,’ she told him. ‘It makes me feel special.’
‘I love you.’
She sighed again, and he looked sharply down the street at the sound of footsteps. ‘I think someone’s coming,’ he said. ‘I’ll have to go.’
‘Bob! Bob, is that you?’ Allyson called into the darkness.
‘Yes, it’s me. I’ll be right there.’
’What are you doing? Why didn’t you use the phone inside?’
He smiled and put an arm round her as she joined him. The phone was still at his ear. If he’d rung off in a hurry it would have looked doubly suspicious. ‘I couldn’t hear,’ he said, ‘and I needed to call the office to find out if I’m supposed to be doing this OB tomorrow. I’m still holding on.’
‘I wish I was there with you,’ Tessa murmured in his ear. ‘I love you both so much …’
‘Alistair Glass is inviting us all back to his place,’ Allyson said. ‘Do you want to go?’
Bob shook his head. ‘No,’ he answered.
‘Tell her you want to go home with her,’ Tessa said. ‘Be nice to her. Tell her you want to make love to her.’
The words cut through him. Wouldn’t she be jealous to think of him making love to his wife? Wouldn’t it tear her apart, the way it would tear him
apart to think of her with another man? He looked at Allyson, and, afraid of what his eyes might be telling her, he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her.
‘Can you still hear me?’ Tessa whispered.
He carried on kissing Allyson, but he was achingly aware of how desperately he wished it was Tessa. So desperately that he began pushing Allyson up against the wall and pressing his erection against her.
‘Bob!’ Allyson laughed. ‘What are you doing? Someone might come.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, strangely disoriented by the voice in his ear and the woman in his arms.
‘If you can still hear me,’ Tessa said, so softly that he barely could. ‘If you can still hear me … Oh Bob, I don’t know how to tell you this …’
Fear suddenly plunged into his chest. She was going to end it. She was about to tell him it was over … That was why she wanted him to make love to Allyson. She didn’t want to wreck his marriage. He felt as though he was suffocating. Panic was so close behind. But he had to keep control. Allyson was here. That was why she was doing it. Because she didn’t want to hurt Allyson … Allyson. Allyson. Always Allyson. But what about him? Didn’t she realize what she meant to him? Didn’t she understand that he couldn’t let her go? She meant everything to him now … He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t even think about it … Then suddenly everything in him came to a crashing halt as he heard her say,
‘I keep trying to find the right time to tell you … Oh Bob, please don’t be angry, but … I’m … I’m going to have a baby.’
Bob was still shaking as he drove through the night towards home. Allyson’s car was up ahead, as usual she was driving too fast, or maybe it was him driving too slow. It was him, he knew it, lagging behind as though to delay the terrible moment when he had to tell her that he had made Tessa Dukes pregnant and was going to leave her.