by Susan Lewis
Laura shook her head.
A few minutes ticked by, then Laura repeated the question.
‘You mean do I feel responsible for Bob leaving Allyson?’ Tessa said, chewing. ‘Yes, of course I do. It wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me, it might still not have happened if I hadn’t told him I was pregnant.’
Laura nodded slowly. That wasn’t as big a surprise as it should have been. ‘Are you?’ she asked.
Tessa inhaled deeply, then helped herself to another grape. ‘I wasn’t when he left,’ she admitted. ‘Well, I might have been, but I didn’t know it then.’
‘But you are now?’
Tessa nodded.
Laura sat quietly for a moment. This manipulation of older people was typical of someone with Tessa’s background, so Laura wasn’t particularly surprised this was happening, though she could wish that it wasn’t proving so costly, tragic even, for those who were involved. But there weren’t many circumstances more tragic than those Tessa had come from. ‘How is it working out between you and Bob, so far?’ she asked.
Tessa took another grape, then her pretty face started to shine with typical teenage rapture. ‘He can be such a grouch sometimes,’ she said fondly, ‘but I can always cheer him up because he really loves it when I do things for him and make him feel pampered and sexy, like he’s the best lover in the world. His anger goes away then, and everything’s all right.’
‘Does he get angry often?’
Tessa nodded. ‘More lately,’ she answered. ‘But he’s having a bit of a bad time getting work, and his money’s starting to run out and obviously he’s all over the place about Allyson, so I suppose it’s more frustration than anger.’
‘Does he ever get physical with you, when he’s angry?’ Laura asked.
Tessa’s eyes widened. ‘You mean does he hit me? No never.’
The phone started ringing. Laura waited for her receptionist to answer.
Tessa was still eating her grapes.
‘Did you manage to get in touch with your mother?’ Laura asked abruptly, changing the subject.
Tessa screwed up the top of the paper bag, then suddenly it was open again. ‘No,’ she answered, pulling out a large handful of fruit. ‘I thought it was a dumb idea in the end. I mean, she’s dead, and going to a medium was just one of my mad ideas. I only went once.’
‘She didn’t come through?’
‘No.’ Then the grapes went back into the bag and she laughed nervously. ‘I’m glad really,’ she said, ‘it would probably have scared the life out of me if she had. Have you ever done anything like that?’
Laura shook her head. ‘You mentioned a friend just now, Julian,’ she said.
‘Oh, yeah, Jules. He’s great. He’s my brother. Not officially, obviously. I’ve adopted him.’
Knowing what she did about Tessa, this new piece of information immediately set off all kinds of alarm bells for Laura. ‘How old is he?’ she asked.
‘Same age as me. I think he wants us to be, you know, closer than brother and sister.’
Laura wasn’t liking the sound of this at all. ‘Is that what you want?’ she asked.
Tessa wrinkled her nose as she thought. Laura watched her, knowing that behind her refreshingly frank expression and simplistic manner there was a maelstrom of complexities that had no moral compass to guide them. It wasn’t that she didn’t know right from wrong, on the contrary she knew it very well, it was simply that she sometimes had difficulty in attaching much importance to either. Though Laura was well aware of the reasons behind this disconnect from her conscience, in the almost two years since she’d been treating Tessa she’d made small progress in its repair. It didn’t help that Tessa was such an irregular visitor, but these things couldn’t be forced, unless of course Tessa became a danger to herself or society. As yet she wasn’t that, and Laura had never believed she would be. However, she had to concede that recent events might call for a re-evaluation of her judgement.
Finally Tessa answered the question. ‘No, it’s not what I want,’ she said. ‘I’ve got Bob. Although Jules is pretty cool. We’ve kissed a couple of times.’ She giggled. ‘Bob would go ballistic if he found out. He’s sooo jealous.’
Laura regarded her innocent-looking face and felt only unease. ‘Tell me,’ she said, ‘does Bob remind you of anyone, someone you know, maybe from your past?’
Tessa screwed up her nose again, then shook her head. ‘No,’ she said.
‘What about Allyson?’ Laura asked. ‘Does she remind you of anyone?’
Again Tessa shook her head.
‘Have you ever told Allyson about your mother?’
‘Oh no. I never tell anyone. That’s all in the past.’
Laura said, ‘Do you think it came as a complete surprise to Allyson when she learned of your affair with her husband?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Tessa answered after a moment’s reflection. ‘I think she knew all along, but she was turning a blind eye.’
Laura almost groaned. This was so much worse than she’d expected. ‘So you told Bob you were pregnant, which then forced him to make Allyson face the truth?’ she said, spelling it out.
Tessa frowned. ‘I suppose so,’ she answered.
‘Are you recognizing any similarities here?’ Laura challenged.
Tessa immediately stiffened and suddenly the grapes were out again.
Laura allowed several minutes to tick by, and was on the verge of asking the question again when Tessa said, ‘You know, I’ve been in a bit of a state since everything blew up.’
’In what way?’
‘Well, because of Allyson mainly. I wish it hadn’t happened to her. Shelley wouldn’t have been so bad, but Shelley’s not capable of being hurt the way Allyson is.’
Laura wanted to ask, so why did you choose Allyson, but she already knew the answer and it was clear that Tessa wasn’t yet ready to face it. So Laura said, ‘What makes you say that about Shelley?’
‘Well, to begin with Shelley can’t stand men, so she wouldn’t have been in a position to be hurt anyway. Everyone thinks she’s a lesbian, but she’s not. At least not according to Bob. He says she came on to him all the time he was with Allyson, practically begging him to sleep with her.’
‘Do you believe that?’
‘I don’t know. He’s no saint though. Everyone knows he’s been sleeping with other women for years. Allyson was the only one who didn’t know. It was kind of an accepted thing, you know, that no-one would tell her. I expect she knew though, and pretended not to.’
Once more Laura inwardly groaned, for there were those fatal words again.
‘She’s got a lot of friends in the media,’ Tessa was saying, ‘and everyone likes her. Well, you’ve probably seen that in the papers these past few weeks. They might be right in her face, not giving her any privacy, or letting up with the stories and stuff, but no-one’s ever nasty about her. They’re all on her side. Bob’s the one who’s really getting it in the neck, but then he was the one who walked out, so I suppose that’s only to be expected. Anyway, that was why it was such a shock for him when it came out about me and him in the paper. No-one had ever exposed any of his affairs before.’
‘Who tipped the paper off?’
‘Could have been anyone. People at the office knew, well, I expect some of them did. And I’ve got neighbours. Someone could have seen him coming and going. Maybe it was one of them who contacted the News of the World and this time they decided to run the story instead of hushing it up to protect their precious Allyson.’
Laura registered the note of bitterness. ‘So what now?’ she said.
‘Now,’ Tessa responded, ‘I think I’ll have to get an abortion. I mean, I can’t have a baby when I’ve got a whole new career starting up, can I?’
‘What about Bob? Does he want the baby?’
She nodded, and looked away. ‘I’ll have to tell him I had a miscarriage,’ she mumbled, digging back into her bag of grapes.
‘
Tessa,’ Laura said firmly, ‘I want you to tell me who you think Bob and Allyson are representing in your life. You know what I’m asking, so please don’t pretend not to.’
‘It’s OK, I won’t pretend,’ Tessa said, coming back so fast that this time she did surprise Laura. ‘You think Bob’s the father figure and Allyson’s the mother.’
‘Don’t you think that?’
‘I can see why you do.’
Laura said gently, ‘Can you see that you’re punishing them for something they had nothing to do with?’
Tessa’s lips trembled as she tried to laugh. ‘I don’t think Bob’s being punished, not with all the sex I give him,’ she said.
Laura looked at her until Tessa’s eyes dropped and spotting her hand in the bag of grapes she began rummaging around.
‘It’s been almost two years since your breakdown, when you had to drop out of college,’ Laura reminded her. ‘You’ve come to understand a lot about yourself and what happened in that time.’
‘I know,’ Tessa answered. Her hand came out of the bag empty.
Laura’s eyes were on hers. ‘So why are you denying it now?’
‘I’m not. I can even say it now,’ Tessa responded.
‘I’m listening.’
‘But I don’t want to,’ Tessa said. ‘I hate saying it. I hate the word, because the whole thing makes me sick.’
Laura fired the next question. ‘Then why did you have to make Julian your brother? Why not just a friend?’
‘I don’t know. What difference does it make? I suppose because I always wanted a brother who was a friend.’
‘Unlike the one you had.’
‘Totally unlike the one I had.’ Tessa looked at her watch. ‘I’m going to have to cut this short,’ she said. ‘I promised to be home early. Bob’s been told he’s not hosting the Sportsman of the Year awards now, and he’s really upset.’
In dismay Laura watched her go for her coat. ‘Would you like to make another appointment?’ she said.
‘I’ll have to give you a call,’ Tessa replied. ‘I’m so busy these days I might not have the time,’ and with a hurried but extremely polite goodbye, she was gone.
Laura sat staring at the door, and shaking her head in frustration. She needed to see this girl so much more often, especially now she’d got herself embroiled in this horrible mess that had such sinister similarities to what had happened in her past. In fact, Laura was very firmly of the opinion that Tessa, with the extraordinary power a bruised and damaged mind often had, had managed to manipulate the entire affair, setting it up to be a sad and potentially disastrous restaging of earlier events that had spiralled so horrifically out of her control. Not that Laura thought for a moment that Tessa’s love for Bob and Allyson wasn’t genuine, because it almost unquestionably was. Tessa had it in her to love very deeply, it just wasn’t always easy for her to apply her emotions in a normal and socially acceptable way.
‘This is all that matters,’ Bob panted. ‘Just me and you. Screw everyone else!’
Tessa giggled. ‘I knew this would make you feel better.’
‘Oh God!’ Bob cried. He was going to come any second.
‘Do it harder, harder,’ Tessa urged.
His hands were on her hips, he was kneeling over her, the hair on his chest rubbing harshly over her back.
Suddenly the phone rang. Before he could stop her Tessa had picked it up. ‘It’s for you,’ she told him, passing it back.
He was about to protest when he remembered that sometimes they liked to screw while having normal conversations on the phone. It was a great turn-on. ‘Hello?’ he said.
‘Hello? Bob? It’s Peggy here.’
His bloody mother-in-law! Who the hell had given her this number? Allyson of course! ‘Yes Peggy,’ he said. Tessa was still kneeling beneath him. He was still inside her, though no longer filling her completely.
‘Bob, dear. I know this is none of my business, but Howard and I, we’ve been talking, and we want you to know, well, that we understand how sometimes when a man reaches a certain age, that he can, how shall I put it? Act out of character. It’s not so unusual, you know. Most men go through it. It wasn’t really talked about in our day, of course, but now …’
‘Peggy, this isn’t a good …’
‘No, no, I understand. I’m bothering you. But Howard and I, we just wanted you to know that if you need any help, if you feel … Well, you know what I’m saying, dear. Howard knows a lot of good doctors. He was one himself once, remember? Not that sort of doctor, of course. Not his area at all, the mind.’
She wasn’t kidding. These days, if the old boy saw a heatwave, he’d probably wave back.
Tessa crept out from under him, leaving him on all fours, his ardour gone.
‘We’re not trying to suggest there’s anything wrong with you,’ Peggy continued. ‘Just if you need a recommendation …’
‘Thanks Peggy. I’ll bear it in mind,’ he snapped.
‘OK, dear. Enough said.’
As the line went dead, he hurled the phone against the wall and ended up with his hands on the floor, his knees still on the bed.
Tessa burst out laughing, and realizing how ridiculous he must look, he managed a laugh too.
‘Who was it?’ Tessa asked.
‘My mother-in-law,’ he responded, picking himself up.
‘What did she want?’
’What do you think? To try to get me back with her daughter.’ He was on his feet now, trying to get past her. ‘Christ! There’s no room to swing a cat in this place,’ he growled, stubbing his toe on the bed.
She was grinning again, and, seeing it, he suddenly scooped her up and rolled back onto the bed with her.
‘We’ve got to get a bigger place,’ she said, as he wrapped her tightly in his arms.
‘I know.’
She lifted her head up to look into his eyes. ‘What about somewhere smart, like Chelsea?’ she suggested.
He looked at her for a moment, wondering if she was being deliberately obtuse in suggesting Chelsea, but there was only the usual guileless expression in her lovely eyes. Nevertheless, the allusion to his previous life had reopened the door to his depression, and letting her go he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.
‘What’s the matter?’ she said.
‘Nothing. I need a drink,’ and propelling himself off the bed he went to get one.
Tessa lay where she was, idly stroking the pink, fluffy squirrel that was squashed between the pillows.
‘Where’s the gin?’ he shouted from the kitchen.
‘I threw it out. You drink too much, and then you get angry.’
He appeared in the doorway, clearly straining to hold onto his temper. ‘Have you got any idea what kind of a day I’ve had!’ he demanded. ‘First of all I’m told I’m no longer needed for the awards. Then I find out that Duncan Grueber, a snot-nosed kid half my age, is covering the big match for Sky tonight. Then my insufferable mother-in-law and her barmy husband ring up accusing me of having some kind of male menopause. And who, might I ask, put that thoroughly modern notion into their heads? Their daughter, that’s who. And now you throw away the gin. So, what’s going on here? Are you in some kind of conspiracy, all of you? Are you trying to drive me into the nuthouse?’
Tessa looked up at him and smiled. ‘We can always go down the pub,’ she suggested. ‘Jules might be there.’
‘Fuck Jules.’
Mischief sprang to her eyes. ‘What, both of you? At the same time? Kinky.’
He came to stand over her and took the hand she held out to him. ‘You know, I think you’d like that,’ he said, wrapping his fingers round hers, and suddenly feeling absurdly insecure.
‘I might,’ she confessed. ‘If you would.’
He stared down at her, his eyes scanning her face as he tried to work out whether or not she was serious. He guessed the ‘if you would’ told him she was. But he wasn’t, so the question was irrelevant. ‘I need a drink,’ he s
aid again.
‘More than you need this,’ she teased, stroking him.
He’d liked to have said no, but it would have been a lie. He needed a drink, and he needed one badly, because on top of everything else that had happened today, he’d been notified by the bank that all the funds in his and Allyson’s joint accounts were frozen until their marital difficulties were resolved, one way or the other. Obviously they wouldn’t have been able to do that if Allyson hadn’t contacted them to make the breakup official, which meant there was a damned good chance that divorce papers were about to start winging their way.
Inside he was panicking. It was as though everything was slipping away from him, and not even the fact that he’d considered initiating a divorce himself made a difference, because he hadn’t done it, and in truth he wasn’t convinced he would have. And he definitely wouldn’t have contacted the bank. Christ, he needed to get to his money. He was practically broke already and the hundred and fifty quid that was in his own account was going to get him about as far as the middle of next week, if he was lucky. It was all right for Allyson, with her fancy trust funds and inherited wealth to bail her out, but it sure as hell wasn’t all right for him. Especially not with Tessa setting her sights on a flat in bloody Chelsea.
‘Go down the pub and get some gin,’ he said, sinking onto the edge of the bed and burying his face in his hands. ‘I’ll wait here.’
To his relief she was her usual compliant self, and toddled off without criticism or comment. It wasn’t until she’d been gone for over half an hour that he remembered Julian, and her suggestion of a threesome, but by then he was too beside himself craving a drink to care about Julian, or that she’d gone out in only her overcoat and boots. Or maybe it was the fact that Allyson would very probably be tucked up all nice and snug in their Chelsea apartment right now, laughing her head off at the trick she’d pulled with the bank, and almost hysterical over the stunt she’d pulled with her parents that was getting him so worked up. She could be such a bitch when she wanted, and no doubt it was that other bitch, Shelley Bronson, who’d put her up to it all.