by Susan Lewis
The phone snapped off her thoughts, and reaching for it she said, ‘Allyson Jaymes.’
‘Allyson. I was wondering …’
Allyson went very still.
‘I was wondering if we could talk.’
Allyson looked out into the office to where Tessa was sitting, a phone to her ear as she stared at Allyson with a pathetic, beseeching look in her eyes, like a dog that had been whipped and was trying to skulk back to its master.
‘Is it about the programme?’ Allyson asked coldly.
‘No. It’s …’
‘Then there’s nothing to talk about,’ and she slammed down the phone.
Tessa rang off too, and Allyson watched her as she sat there looking lost and forlorn and so miserably self-pitying that it made Allyson despise her all the more.
Another week went by. Mark was due back in a couple of days, but he’d stopped calling now. His last message had told Allyson that he suspected Bob was tampering with her machine again, and as she never had time in the office he’d see her when he got back. He’d sounded curt and confused, and Allyson had wanted to scream at him that even if there hadn’t been anything sexual in that disgusting scene with Tessa, then what the hell was he doing in her room at that hour anyway? For one wildly insane moment she’d considered asking Tessa. The girl wanted to talk, so let her! But what good would it do? She couldn’t be relied on to tell the truth, and even if she could Allyson didn’t want to hear it from her.
Nor did she want to hear from Bob. She just wanted him out of her life, expunged from existence, rather than have to deal with his pathetic pleas to come home. But she couldn’t put off seeing him any longer, he had to be faced, though even after she arranged it she picked up the phone a hundred times to cancel. In the end, though, she took the afternoon off work to psych herself up for the ordeal, so that by the time he arrived she might be in a frame of mind that would more easily allow her to cope with him.
It was an early spring evening, awash with a glowing red sunset. Which symbol should she choose, she wondered, as she opened the door to let him in, spring for new beginnings, or sunset for happy endings? But neither were going to be had here, tonight, she knew that already.
It was evident right away that he’d made an effort, for he was wearing the cologne she liked best, a shirt she had bought him and the jeans she’d always said he looked sexy in. He looked haggard though, and was so apprehensive that ordinarily she’d have wanted to hug him. Tonight, she simply stood aside and tried not to wish that he would turn around and go away.
‘Would you like a drink?’ she offered as he walked into the sitting room ahead of her.
‘Maybe some wine,’ he said.
She went to get it and came back to find him sitting on the edge of a chair he’d once slouched in. His elbows were resting on his knees, his hands were clamped together. She could see how hard this was for him, so hard it would be easy to pity him.
‘Did your lawyer tell you …?’ His voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat and started again. ‘You know why I’m here?’
She nodded, then seeing his eyes fill with tears she put down the wine and went to him.
He clung to her as he wept, bitterly and so full of shame that it was hard to make sense of his words. ‘I’ll do anything,’ he sobbed in the end. ‘I’ll get counselling, anything, just please say it isn’t too late.’
She looked at his tormented face. She knew this man so well. He was so much a part of her life that he almost was her life. Yet she felt so remote from him.
He grabbed her wrists. ‘I know how much I hurt you,’ he cried. ‘I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but look at me, look at what I am without you.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her voice seeming to come from a long way inside her.
‘Oh God, Allyson,’ he implored, pulling her to him. ‘Please don’t turn me away. I can’t go on living without you.’
‘Don’t say that. I can’t be responsible for your life. You chose this, Bob. You made it happen and nothing I do can change it.’
‘But we can put it behind us. I’m starting to get some work again now, so we can move forward and be together the way we should.’
‘Until when? The next Tessa?’
‘No! I don’t want any other woman. Leaving you has made me understand that in a way I never did before …’
‘But what about all the other women, Bob? And Shelley, my best friend.’
He looked shocked and hurt. ‘Are you saying you’d rather give me up than her?’
‘She didn’t betray me.’
Disbelief widened his eyes, and as she looked back at him she could feel something horrible rising up inside her, something she’d always known was there but she’d never wanted to face. ‘She slept with me all those years, but the betrayal was only mine?’ he said incredulously. And there it was. The suspicion she’d never allowed a voice, that Shelley had lied, that Shelley, her best friend, had been sleeping with her husband all along, that Shelley had betrayed her too.
Her head was spinning. ‘What years? What are you talking about?’ she said, as if she could bury it all again. ‘She said you tried …’ But she couldn’t go any further. She had to accept it, and he wouldn’t lie to her about that, not now.
Realizing what had happened, he dropped his head in his hands. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God,’ he groaned.
Allyson got to her feet. ‘You should go now,’ she said.
‘No. Allyson, please.’
She pushed his hands away and walked to the door. ‘There’s no-one I can trust,’ she said unsteadily. ‘No-one.’
He wasn’t listening. ‘Just tell me there’s a chance,’ he begged. ‘Tell me you’ll think it over.’
‘Just leave me alone,’ she said. ‘All of you. Just leave me alone.’
Bob was standing in Shelley’s sitting room, facing the unflinching anger in her eyes, as he told her what had happened with Allyson. He felt foolish, unmanned, yet so desperate that even now he was still clinging to the hope that Shelley would know how to repair the damage he’d done.
But when he’d finished Shelley looked as though she might strike him in disgust. ‘You fool,’ she spat. ‘You bloody fool!’
‘But I thought she knew,’ he cried. ‘She made it sound like you’d told her.’
Contempt twisted her face. ‘Are you out of your mind? Why the hell would I do that? She’s my best friend, for God’s sake!’ Again she looked as though she might hit him. ‘God, you’re pathetic!’ she seethed. ‘Look at you! How the hell do you think you’re ever going to get her back now?’
He looked away, misery and hopelessness engulfing him.
‘It’s as good as over with Mark Reiner!’ she raged. ‘You actually stood a chance and you blew it. You moron! You stupid, stupid moron.’
‘All right!’ he yelled. ‘I should never have left her in the first place. Don’t you think I already know that? And I wouldn’t have if Tessa hadn’t been pregnant. It’s all her damned fault. Everything was all right before she came into our lives …’
‘You low-down, self-pitying piece of scum!’ Shelley spat. ‘You were always a cheating bastard and you know it. And to try blaming Tessa when we both know you were happy to screw anyone who’d lie down for you …’
‘Including you, you stuck-up, self-righteous bitch! You lay down often enough, didn’t you? That’s how fucking good a friend you are. And I’ll tell you this, if it was you who’d been pregnant, I still wouldn’t have left, because Allyson’s worth ten thousand of you Shelley …’
‘But she couldn’t give you a baby, could she?’ Shelley spat viciously. ‘You couldn’t make her pregnant, like you made Tessa. Made you feel like a man, that, did it? I suppose you know she had an abortion? That given the choice between fame and your baby, your baby didn’t even get a look-in. So that’s who you gave Allyson up for, a silly little tart who didn’t give that for you, or your kid … What are you doing? Get away from me!’ She was backing acros
s the room, but he kept on coming.
‘I said get away!’ she shouted.
His fist knocked her flying back across the sofa, then picking up a photograph of her and Allyson he flung it violently into the fireplace before snatching up her purse, helping himself to the money and storming out of the door.
Shelley lay breathlessly where she was, her hand covering the throbbing in her face as his footsteps thundered down the stairs. It was all getting out of hand. Nothing was happening the way she had expected and she didn’t know how to turn it around. But maybe she didn’t need to. Maybe she should wait a while longer, see what happened in the next few days, for though it didn’t seem likely that Allyson would take Bob back now, there was nothing to say she’d take Mark back either. So yes, she should wait, let events unfold a little further, until she had a clearer idea of what she should do.
The following morning Shelley was already at her desk when Allyson arrived. The strain in Allyson’s face as she walked into her own office was plain to see, and everyone noticed. Shelley watched them as they looked at each other, hoping someone might have the answer, for clearly something had happened, and this time the newspapers weren’t telling them what.
Shelley considered going to talk to her, but this definitely wasn’t the place to have the kind of showdown they were heading for, nor was it the time. How must she be feeling, Shelley wondered, with Tessa sitting out there, Shelley in here … The world must seem a very strange place for Allyson right now, with no-one to trust and no-one to turn to. So maybe Shelley should go and talk to her, if only to help her connect to something as superficial, yet stabilizing, as the day’s needs.
But as Shelley reached her door Allyson was already calling across the room to Tessa.
‘Have you edited the piece about the dolls yet?’ Allyson was asking her.
‘No, not yet,’ Tessa replied. There was such a hunger in the girl’s eyes as she looked at Allyson, such an appeal, that Shelley was reminded again of the night Mark had been in the girl’s room. Tessa had seemed the same then as she did now, kind of frightened, eager to make amends, and … Well, it was hard to put into words …
‘If you’re in a hurry I can do it tonight,’ Tessa was saying.
Shelley knew there was no hurry, for Allyson wasn’t due to shoot that programme for another three weeks, so it surprised her when Allyson snapped, ‘Yes, do it tonight.’
As she turned back into her office her eyes met Shelley’s, and Shelley could see how deeply her pain was cutting. Then she disappeared, and after glancing over at Tessa again, Shelley returned to her desk and picked up her keys.
‘I’ve got to take my car in for a service,’ she told Marvin, ‘then I’ll be popping home for a few minutes. I’ll be back before lunch.’
It was early in the afternoon when Allyson answered the phone in her dressing room to find Mark at the other end.
‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why you’re refusing to speak to me, but I’m outside, and if you’re not here in the next five minutes I’ll come in and get you.’
Allyson replaced the receiver, stared at it for a moment, then picking up her coat she walked upstairs to Shelley’s office.
‘Is she back yet?’ she asked Marvin.
‘Yes, she’s in the screening room,’ he answered.
Allyson found her alone in the dimly lit room, speaking to someone on the phone. An image from the Italian programme, which was due for transmission the following day, was paused on the screen.
Allyson said, ‘Did you really see Mark and Tessa together in Italy? Or were you lying about that too?’
Shelley finished the call. ‘Allyson, listen …’ she said.
Allyson was already turning away.
‘I wasn’t lying,’ Shelley cried. ‘I swear I saw them.’
Allyson’s back was still turned. ‘Do you have any idea what all this feels like?’ she said. ‘Knowing there’s no-one you can trust?’
‘Yes. I know what that feels like,’ Shelley answered.
Allyson turned round. ‘You could trust me,’ she said, anger twisting her mouth.
‘Listen, we have to talk,’ Shelley said. ‘Not now. Later. Will you let me at least try to explain?’
Allyson didn’t answer, and suddenly Shelley was afraid. Everything seemed to be slipping away, moving out of focus, beyond her reach, and she wanted desperately to bring it back. Then she had a sudden, horrible premonition that this was going to be her only chance to say this, so she must say it now.
‘Think of loneliness, rejection, never feeling as though you matter,’ she cried. ‘You know now how some of that feels. That’s how it’s been for me. All my life. I never learned to value people the way you do. I never understood what it was like to be loved so much by a man that he’d never leave me. You had that and I wanted it. I resented you for all you had and at the same time … I loved you.’ Her voice was choking with emotion. ‘I’ll book a table in Dolphin Square for eight thirty. Please say you’ll come.’
‘I’m looking after Daddy until then.’
‘Then I’ll book it for nine. If you’re not there, I’ll wait.’
Allyson sat in the passenger seat of Mark’s car, almost numb with exhaustion. So many betrayals, so many lies, could there ever be any trust again? She wanted to sleep now, to curl up in a ball and wait for everything to be over.
She’d already asked him about Tessa and he’d explained, but the words didn’t seem to have reached her.
He said them again. ‘She was very drunk. I don’t think anyone realized how drunk until she passed out and I carried her up to bed. When I left her she was still out cold. Then later, when I was in my room, I heard her crying. Not just crying, she sounded hysterical, out of control. So I went in. Maybe she’d taken some drugs, I don’t know, because it was like she was hallucinating. She seemed to think I was her father and that I was going to hurt her. She offered to have sex with me if I promised not to beat her. I couldn’t get her to understand who I was. Then she started talking in a childish voice and calling me Daddy. I didn’t know what was happening, I’m not even sure I do now. Then she was talking about you. At first I didn’t realize it was you, because she kept referring to Mummy. Then she called you by name and …’ He was shaking his head. ‘It was like she had you confused with her mother. God, I don’t know what was going through her head. What I do know is it wasn’t coherent and it wasn’t particularly sane. But she seemed worried about hurting you and kept saying she was afraid of what you might do. Then she threw up all over us both, so I called someone from downstairs to come and take care of her, and went back to my room.’
Allyson was staring straight ahead. She was hearing the words now, but hardly knew what they meant.
‘Allyson, you’ve got to know how much you mean to me,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to push you, I know you’ve been through a lot, but for God’s sake, I love you …’
She turned to look at him. So Shelley hadn’t lied. He had been in Tessa’s room.
Tessa. Tessa. It always came back to Tessa. Just this morning she’d opened a magazine and there was Tessa looming large on the page. And there was she, a small inset at the bottom, a footnote, a last word before the end.
She was still looking at him, searching his eyes and wanting desperately to believe him. Her thoughts were so jumbled she seemed unable to make any sense of them.
‘I have to go now,’ she said, and before he could stop her she opened the door and got out of the car.
The day’s recording was over, the lights in the offices were mainly extinguished, just a few scattered lamps burned that people had forgotten to turn off. There was nobody in the building now except Tessa and Will, who were editing the film about dolls, and Shelley, who was almost ready to leave.
It had been the strangest day, with no sense of reality attached even to the normal routine. It was as though something pivotal was happening in a bizarre, otherworldly kind of way, something that was
going to move with a silent and mighty force to change their lives completely.
Shelley knew Allyson had seen Mark earlier, but had no idea yet of the outcome, whether Allyson had accepted his story, or even if there had been a story that could be accepted. She kept wondering what she would do if Allyson told her later that everything was all right, that she and Mark were staying together and that they didn’t want her in their lives any more. It could happen, because Mark would know Shelley had twisted what she’d seen in an effort to try and break them up; he knew too, that using Tessa would be the most effective, as well as the cruellest way to hurt Allyson. And what about how Shelley had tried to seduce him at the party? He wouldn’t want that to happen again.
She felt suddenly breathless, and there was such unease in her heart that each thud felt like a blunted blow. Maybe it was tiredness and emotional exhaustion that was lending the macabre sense of detachment to what she was doing, or maybe it was fear of the slow, silent explosion that seemed to be erupting all around them.
She should leave now, go home and change. She’d just check on Will and Tessa first, find out what time they’d be finished.
The edit room door was closed, but Shelley could hear the squealing whir of the videotape rewinding. Then she heard Tessa laugh. All day the girl had looked like an injured bird, but now she was laughing.
The door suddenly opened and Will almost walked into her.
‘Oh, Shelley!’ he said, his small, squashed face showing surprise. ‘I didn’t know you were there.’
‘Just coming to check how you’re getting on,’ she said, looking past him to where Tessa was sitting at the control desk.
‘It’s great,’ Tessa told her. ‘Really scary.’
Shelley smiled. ‘I’ll leave you to it then,’ she said.
Allyson was standing next to her mother’s car in the garage, waiting for Peggy to start the engine.
‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ Peggy asked, peering up at her anxiously. ‘You seem … I don’t know… Distracted?’