by Duncan Ball
‘Now who’s being silly?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Stop making fun of me and let’s go.’
‘Another whole afternoon to myself!’ Selby thought as they drove away and he turned on the TV. ‘And today there’s a Wrestling SuperStars Marathon! Oh boy, oh boy, hours and hours of wrestling!’
Selby quickly settled down to watch all his favourite wrestlers — Canvas-Back Calhoon, Alice ‘The Alligator’ Plimpton, and Bird-Brain Betty — who always whistled like a canary when she climbed into the ring.
‘This is great!’ Selby squealed as a referee was thrown into the audience.
Then Cannonball Calliber was shot into the ring from a cannon. And Leatherlungs Lazaro sang an opera song while Skullface Scott threw him around like a doll. As soon as he finished singing he suddenly got angry and fought back and won.
‘The whole thing is silly and they’re just pretending to fight,’ Selby thought, ‘but it’s soooo much fun to watch!’
Two hours later Selby was giggling away as Canvas-Back Calhoon’s mother jumped into the ring and started hitting the referee on the head with her umbrella.
Then, suddenly, he felt a breeze.
‘Sister! My pipes have burst! Our house has completely flooded!’
The huge form of Aunt Jetty filled the doorway. With her were her two dreadful sons, Willy and Billy.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘She caught me watching TV! I’ll just lie here with my eyes closed.’
‘Sister?! Are you here?’ Aunt Jetty called, not noticing Selby. ‘No, I guess you’re not. Okay, boys, you stay here while I go back and deal with the plumber. I’m sure my sister will be back soon. Look at that: my silly sister seems to have left the TV on.’
‘Oh, goodie!’ Willy cried. ‘Look at the fighting!’
‘You kids be good,’ Aunt Jetty said, racing out the door. ‘I’ll be back as soon as I can.’
‘Oh, mate!’ Billy said. ‘Hey, look at that, Willy! The man is jumping on the other man!’
Selby got quietly to his feet and moved slowly away, hoping they wouldn’t notice him.
‘He’s not really jumping on him, you ninny,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s just pretend.’
‘And look at that!’ Willy squealed. ‘Now he’s throwing him down on the ground! Aw cool!’
Selby was just slinking towards the hallway to make his escape when Willy grabbed Billy.
‘I’m a wrestler!’ Willy said. ‘Let me pick you up!’
‘Okay, but don’t hurt me,’ Billy said.
Willy picked Billy up and spun him around. Suddenly he slammed his brother down.
‘That hurt!’ Billy screamed, ‘I’m going to get you!’
‘Nya nya I tricked you,’ Willy said, running around just ahead of his brother. ‘Hey, stop! Look, it’s him! It’s that stink-face doggie! Let’s wrestle him, Billy!’
‘Oh, goody goody,’ Billy squealed.
Before Selby knew what hit him, Willy and Billy had picked him up and thrown him down again.
‘These guys are going to kill me!’ Selby squealed to himself. ‘They’re going to break every bone in my body!’
Willy and Billy grabbed Selby’s legs and threw him up so high that he hit the ceiling.
‘Oh, how I hope the Trifles come back soon! I’d love them to see how these monsters treat me!’
‘He knows how to talk!’ Willy said.
‘No, he doesn’t. You always say that but you’re a liar.’
‘I am not! I’m gunna show you!’
Before Selby could get to his feet, Willy grabbed him and twisted his front legs so hard that he thought they’d come off.
‘Okay, you dumb-head doggie!’ Willy squealed. ‘Talk to Billy.’
The pain shot up through Selby’s shoulders and then down through his spine. He heard his joints snap. Sweat rolled down his nose.
‘Not on your life,’ Selby thought (he didn’t say it, he only thought it). ‘I’ll die first!’
‘He can’t talk,’ Billy said. ‘You’re a big liar!’
‘Am not!’ Willy said putting his arm around Selby’s neck. ‘You talk, you poo poo head!’
‘No, no, please,’ Selby thought as his brain started to go all fuzzy. He gasped for breath. He was beginning to black out. He felt his head getting lighter.
‘You leave that poor little dog alone!’ someone screamed.
Selby opened his eyes to see Mrs Trifle standing in the doorway. Willy relaxed his grip and then let him go.
‘You rotten little boys!’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What’s the meaning of this?!’
‘He talks!’ Willy said pointing to Selby. ‘It’s not my fault. No, no! Don’t spank me!’
Selby slowly got his breath back and limped outside. The sun had set and the stars were just coming out. Every muscle in Selby’s body hurt but it didn’t matter. He was happy again. He lay back under a tree breathing the cool evening air and listening to the wonderful chorus of spanks and screams from Willy and Billy.
‘The scary thing,’ Selby yawned as he drifted off to sleep, ‘is that they’ll grow up one day. I wonder what they’ll be like.’
In the morning Selby went into the house and looked around quickly to make sure Willy and Billy had gone home.
They had.
‘Where are you, Selby? Oh, there you are, old thing.’
The voice was Mrs Trifle’s but it was weak and shaky. She bent down slowly and gave Selby a pat.
‘He’s looking well for such an old dog,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘What? Speak up, I can’t hear you.’
Dr Trifle came slowly around the corner, using a walking stick.
‘I said he’s looking well for a dog of thirty!’ Mrs Trifle shouted. ‘Turn up your hearing aid!’
‘What did you say about lemonade?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘Thirty?!’ Selby thought. ‘What are they talking about?! I’m only ten. Is this a joke?’
Selby breathed a sigh of relief.
‘I know, the Trifles are wearing make-up to make them look old! They’re just practising being old for their play.’
Selby watched the Trifles slowly make their way into the loungeroom.
‘They’re good actors. I’ll give them that.’
Selby went into the loungeroom where Dr and Mrs Trifle had turned on the TV. There was something strange about the room. It was weird. The furniture was different. Even the TV was different.
Selby caught sight of himself in a mirror. There was a grey patch of fur running along his back and his eyes looked red and tired.
‘Oh, no!’ he thought. ‘The Trifles really are old and I’m old too! I must have slept for twenty years! It’s not fair! I want to go back to puppydom! — or even middle-aged-dogdom! I don’t want to be old!’
But you can’t turn back the hands of the clock and Selby knew it. Time had flown. Water had flowed under the bridge. The sand had passed through the hourglass. Selby had suddenly entered his sunset years.
He lay down on the carpet next to the Trifles.
‘I can’t believe it,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I just can’t believe it.’
‘Did you hear that, dear?!’ Mrs Trifle said, turning up her hearing aid. ‘Selby just spoke!’
‘I don’t smell smoke,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Do you?’
‘No, I said, SELBY JUST SPOKE!’
‘You don’t have to scream, dear. I’m not deaf. What did you say?’
Mrs Trifle looked down at Selby.
‘I think .. .’she started. ‘I think … Oh, now I’ve forgotten what I was saying. I’m getting so forgetful. What were we watching on TV?’
‘It’s wrestling,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘That was a close one,’ Selby thought, breathing a sigh of relief. ‘I’m so old now too that I’m going to forget to keep my secret a secret if I’m not careful. Hey, what’s this? They’re watching wrestling on TV! They never used to like wrestling. They really have changed!’
Selby watched the scene on TV. Two huge men go
t into the ring. The announcer held up their hands and said:
‘Tonight we have a special treat for all you wrestling fans. Here are those Gentle Giants, The Will-Billys!’
‘It’s them!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘Look! They’re so famous now.’
‘Yes, such nice boys,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Crumbs,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s Willy and Billy all grown up! They’re professional wrestlers now!’
‘Willy and Billy are men now,’ Mrs Trifle reminded Dr Trifle. ‘You keep calling them boys but they’re men.’
‘You’re right,’ Dr Trifle chuckled. ‘To me they will always be those lovable little guys who played right here on the carpet.’
‘Those lovable little guys?!’ Selby thought. ‘They were monsters!’
The wrestling match was nothing like anything Selby had seen. Willy and Billy shook hands and talked to each other politely. When they started wrestling they kept saying things like, ‘Oh, I hope that didn’t hurt, Willy.’ And, ‘No, it’s okay, Billy.’
And instead of shouting and throwing things, the audience quietly clapped their hands at the end of the fight. Willy and Billy bowed to everyone before leaving the ring.
‘They seem like gentlemen now,’ Selby thought. ‘I think they’ve grown up into real gentlemen.’
‘Remember when wrestling was nasty?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘And people were angry and pretended to bite each other’s ears off and things like that?’
‘I certainly do,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘But this “Sensitive Wrestling” is so much better, isn’t it?’
‘Excuse me,’ Selby thought, ‘but I used to like it the old way.’
‘Did you know that Willy and Billy are coming back to Bogusville?’ Mrs Trifle said to her husband.
‘Really? Are they? But they’re rich. They don’t need to come here anymore.’
‘They said they’d do a “Sensitive Wrestling” demo to raise money for the town.’
‘Well that was very decent of them, if you ask me,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I can’t wait to see them again.’
‘I’m kind of curious myself,’ Selby thought. ‘It sounds like fun.’
Sure enough, a month later, Willy and Billy came to town and everyone in Bogusville went to see them — including Selby who sat in a chair next to Dr and Mrs Trifle.
The Will-Billys talked about how you could make wrestling look exciting but without hurting anyone. They asked Mrs Trifle to come into the ring. Then they threw her around, pretending to slam her on the mat and twist her arms and legs.
‘Ooooo, that was fun!’ Mrs Trifle said, as she climbed out. ‘It didn’t hurt me one little bit.’
‘Now let’s show you what we can do with a dog,’ Willy said, pointing down at Selby. ‘Do you mind if we use him, Auntie? Don’t worry, we won’t hurt him.’
‘Yes, of course,’ Mrs Trifle said.
Willy reached down and picked Selby up gently in his hands.
‘I feel kind of silly,’ Selby thought. ‘But I’m sure it’ll be okay.’
In a minute, Selby had been thrown up into the air and caught by Billy and then twisted him this way and that.
‘That’s amazing,’ Selby thought, as the crowd applauded. ‘They didn’t hurt me at all. This is fun!’
Suddenly Billy threw Selby to Willy who pinned him to the mat. He locked his legs around Selby’s hind legs and twisted his front legs behind him.
‘Okay you little mutt,’ Willy whispered. ‘This is payback time. You’re going to talk and you’re going to talk out loud for everyone to hear! I’ve waited all my life for this!’
‘What? What’s going on?!’ Selby thought. ‘Hey, he’s really hurting me! The brat is a brat again — only now he’s a huge brat! Oh, woe woe woe.’
The audience laughed lightly as Willy, with a big grin on his face, twisted Selby’s legs so hard that they looked like they’d come off.
‘Talk to me!’ Willy demanded.
The pain shot up through Selby’s shoulders and then down through his spine. He heard his joints snap. Sweat rolled down his nose.
‘Okay, okay, I know how to talk!’ Selby screamed out. ‘Let me go you boof-head!’
A huge gasp went through the crowd.
‘You were right,’ Billy said. ‘I never really believed it but you were right!’
Willy jumped up and addressed the audience.
‘I’m sorry about that, folks. But it was an old score that just had to be settled. You see, Selby is a talking dog, aren’t you, Selby?’
‘Yes, I-I am,’ Selby stammered.
‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
‘Yes, why didn’t you?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘All these years, keeping it a secret from us. Selby, I’m ashamed of you!’
‘I’m sorry,’ Selby said. ‘Oh, I still feel dizzy. I need to get my breath.’
Selby felt his brain filling with fog. He gasped. He was beginning to lose consciousness …
‘You leave that poor little dog alone!’ Mrs Trifle screamed.
Selby opened his eyes to see Dr and Mrs Trifle standing in the doorway. They weren’t old anymore. And Willy and Billy were little brats again. The boys relaxed their grip and then let Selby go.
‘You rotten little boys!’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What’s the meaning of this?!’
‘He talks!’ Willy said pointing to Selby. ‘It’s not my fault. No, no! Don’t spank me!’
Selby slowly got his breath back and limped outside. The sun had set and the stars were just coming out. Every muscle in Selby’s body hurt but it didn’t matter. He was happy again. He lay back under a tree breathing the cool evening air and listening to the wonderful chorus of spanks and screams from Willy and Billy.
‘Somehow this seems like it all happened before,’ Selby yawned as he drifted off to sleep. ‘But isn’t it great that Willy and Billy got caught. They’re such monsters. The scary thing is that they’ll grow up one day. I wonder what they’ll be like …’
SWORDFIGHTER SELBY
Selby watched the plane circle the runway. Standing next to him were Dr and Mrs Trifle. He could feel the excitement rising in him. The problem was finally solved.
‘Mrs Trifle is going to be soooo happy!’ he thought. ‘She’ll never know that I’m the one who found the answer! I’m the canine king of the cyberworld! Just call me the World Wide Woofer!’
His heart beat faster as the plane’s wheels touched the runway.
‘I’m so relieved that this Mr Toest fellow is coming,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Finally, we can have all the council’s fences fixed properly by an expert. It’s one less worry for me.’
‘How did you find out about him?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘That’s the strange thing,’ said Mrs Trifle. ‘I just got an email one day out of the blue. Someone at the council must have contacted him and forgotten to tell me. If I knew who it was I’d give them a great big kiss.’
Selby struggled not to smile. He could feel his excitement changing to pride.
‘Oh how I’d love to tell her what really happened,’ he thought. ‘Then she could give me a great big kiss.’
It had all started weeks before when Selby watched a video of an old movie called Swordfighters Three for the one hundredth time.
‘I just love these guys,’ Selby thought as the three swordsmen fought off a hundred baddies. ‘I love the way they laugh and joke and kid around. Oh, how I wish I could have lived back then. I could have been the fourth swordfighter! That’s me, swordfighter Selby!’
Selby danced around the room, with one paw on his hip, jabbing the air with a make-believe sword.
‘Or maybe I’d have a sabre,’ he said, suddenly slicing the air.
Just then Mrs Trifle and Dr Trifle burst through the door. Selby dropped to the floor and pretended to be asleep.
‘I can’t stand it any longer!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘I don’t want to be the mayor anymore!’
‘What is it now if dear,’ Dr Trifle asked.
&n
bsp; ‘It’s everything. There just isn’t enough of me to do all the work that needs to be done.’
‘What about the council workers?’
‘I can’t ask them to do any more. They’re as busy as I am. Besides, there are lots of things they just don’t know how to do.’
‘You take your work too seriously, you know,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Sometimes if you don’t do anything, everything works out okay.’
‘I hate it when you say that,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Do you seriously think that all the broken fences are going to fix themselves by magic?’
‘Fix fences? But there are farms all around Bogusville. There are fences everywhere. Half the people in Bogusville could fix the fences in Bogusville if you asked them to.’
‘I’m not talking about barbed wire fences. Bogusville Hall has a historic iron fence that’s rusting away. Bogusville Park has a sandstone fence that got knocked over by the council truck. And then there’s the fence at the Rose Garden. That’s made out of carved wood. It’s very beautiful but it’s rotting.’
‘What you need is a master-builder who knows all about fences,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Surely there’s one in Bogusville.’
‘There isn’t,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘And I don’t know where to find one. It’s all just too hard.’
Selby lay there feeling helpless. Suddenly something occurred to him.
‘Poor Mrs Trifle,’ he thought. ‘She probably doesn’t know that you can find anything on the Internet.’
The next time the Trifles were out of the house, Selby dashed to the computer and turned it on.
‘Let’s see now, how do we find someone to fix all of Bogusville’s fencing?’
Selby typed the words master builder and fencing.
‘Ooops, I’d better put Australia in there too. It wouldn’t be much good to find a fence fixer on the other side of the world.’
Selby clicked on the SEARCH button and waited. Soon one name came up: It said ‘Egon Toest — contact me for all your fencing needs’.
‘Great!’ Selby squealed. ‘Now I’ll email him and sign it Mayor Trifle.’
The plane glided to a stop and the next thing Selby knew a strange-looking man stepped out. He had a pencil-thin moustache and wore a pin-striped suit and white cotton gloves.