Terry crossed his arms over his chest as if he could physically protect his heart. He quickly dropped them when he realized the move showed his weakness. “It’s not as if I didn’t know I was training you to leave me,” he reminded Brian. “I knew.” It was silently killing him. Sitting across from Brian while unable to touch him was choking the life from him. “So, you know,” he said, incapable of withstanding another second of it. “You’re absolved of all guilt or whatever this is. It was nice seeing you again. Have a nice life. Good luck with the title and all that.” Terry knew he was taking it too far. Knowing it didn’t force him to stop. Brian silently watched him wearing a guarded expression. Damn it. He spent a moment debating if he could actually bite off his own tongue before deciding he liked the taste of food too much. Anything was better than concentrating on the man sitting across from him.
“Are you done?” Brian asked again. With a sharp nod, Terry locked his back teeth together determined he wouldn’t say another fucking word. He’d already managed to look like a big enough idiot for the day.
“I went by No Rival today and let Rhys know I wouldn’t be challenging him for the title.”
“What?”
“As McKenna is overly fond of saying, I believe we speak the same language.” Terry’s eyes fell closed as a wave of exhaustion washed over him. “You shouldn’t have done that.” He forced the hoarse words past his rapidly swelling throat. Before he could wuss out, Terry plucked his sunglasses off his head and set them on the table with shaking hands before pulling off his stocking cap. He didn’t meet Brian’s gaze. “I’m glad you didn’t attempt to blackmail me, because I couldn’t have gone with you.” Shoring up his courage, he met Brian’s stare. There wasn’t a hint of surprise on his face. He should’ve known McKenna would eventually say something. Unable to stand it, Terry crossed his arms over his chest, hoping to hold himself together. No one would ever understand how badly he never wanted to do this to Brian. Damn. It really did hurt every bit as much as he feared.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
At Brian’s question, Terry wanted to punch a hole in the wall. Why was the man so damn blind? He wanted to give Brian the world. “Because I’ve got this and you have a championship to win.”
In an explosion of fury, Brian shot from his seat. Terry found himself nose to nose with an extremely pissed-off male. Bracing his palms against the couch on either side of Terry’s head, he leaned in until he was only inches from his face. Brian spoke through clenched teeth.
“Let’s get something straight. Whatever happens to you happens to me, so I ask again, why didn’t you tell me?” His nostrils flared. The muscles in his jaw flexed. It was too much for Terry. Having Brian within reach while his heart ached was more than one person could endure. Curling his fingers around the material of Brian’s t-shirt, Terry hauled him forward, closing the final gap between them. As his tongue brushed Brian’s, he hated himself in that moment. Brian was the one thing he couldn’t give up.
Tearing his mouth away, Brian dropped his forehead on Terry’s shoulder. Keeping his eyes squeezed shut, Terry absorbed the warmth of his touch. He couldn’t look. If he did, Brian might disappear.
“You knew.” Even though it came out in a whisper, the accusation in Brian’s words couldn’t be missed. “You knew before I left but you still let me leave without saying a word.” Releasing Brian’s shirt, Terry let his hands drop to his lap. It’s not as if he could deny it. Brian growled. It was a low and deadly sound. Terry could feel it vibrating from his body. “Goddamn you,” he said as he reclaimed Terry’s mouth. Against his lips, he repeated, “Goddamn you.”
He already had.
*
Rage rolled down Brian’s back and churned in his stomach. It filled his mind with a red haze and caused his ears to ring. How could Terry do such a thing? How dare he shut him out? He held onto his anger even as Terry’s taste filled his mouth. No amount of fury could douse his love. Terry moaned. The memory of the moment he learned Terry was in the hospital slammed into him. It stole the oxygen from the room. Even though he knew McKenna would never do such a thing, he’d hoped she wasn’t telling the truth. He couldn’t tell himself that lie any longer. Pulling away, he buried his face against the side of Terry’s neck, inhaling his scent. The sound of the other man’s breathing was ragged against his ear.
“Tell me,” Brian begged, needing to know. He couldn’t lose Terry. The world wasn’t big enough to contain his grief.
“Non-Hodgkin’s. Just like Gray. Apparently, it’s not uncommon for it to cluster in families.”
His grip tightened on the back of the couch. “Can we fight this?”
“Yes.”
Brian slowly released the breath he hadn’t known he was holding. “Then we will.”
“Please don’t give up your shot at the title because of me.”
At Terry’s plea, Brian leaned away bringing his face into focus. The light-green eyes that had haunted his dreams begged him to reconsider. “I don’t want it,” Brian admitted. “I thought I did until it was within reach. The moment I was able to see me taking Rhys’ spot, I realized something monumental.”
“What’s that?”
“I was happier when I was drowning in debt and near to living in a cardboard box because I had you. Without you, it’s meaningless and I’m miserable.”
“You’ll resent me.”
“Only if you reject me,” Brian shot back without missing a beat. “Either way, I’m out. Maybe I’ll take the occasional bout. Perhaps I’ll even change my mind one of these days but right now, I don’t want it, and I’m absolutely done with leaving you behind. I can live without a lot of things but it turns out you’re not one of them.”
“I wanted it for you, probably more than you did. That’s why I fought as hard as I did to get you ready to go before I was no longer able to do so.”
Terry’s admission said more than perhaps he meant to reveal. “You’ve known about this a lot longer than I want to hear, haven’t you?”
He winced. “Yeah.”
Brian was speechless. He wanted to accuse Terry of making him fall in love under false pretenses. The words wouldn’t come. He’d kept his distance. Even their first night together, Terry had tried to walk away before Brian pushed things.
“I didn’t want to love you.” Terry’s whispered confession was the final straw.
“Well I want to love you!” Terry flinched as Brian slammed his hand down on the leather, punctuating his words. He checked his tone, calling his rage under control. “Even if you only have one more day left this on this earth, that one day belongs to me.” He couldn’t remember a time he’d ever been so furious with anyone.
At his show of temper, Terry’s eyes flashed fire. “Do you think I’ve enjoyed going through this alone?” Brian opened his mouth to answer, but Terry cut him off before he got the chance. “Do you honestly believe I wanted to do weeks of chemo and radiation by myself, living in fear of every phone call, scared of what I’d say? When I said goodbye to you, I knew it might be the last time I’d ever see you again. Do you have any clue how hard that was?” Brian’s shirt tightened across his back as Terry balled the material in his hands, pulling him closer until they were nose to nose. “I did it all for you, because you deserve the world. I did it because you are worth more than me.”
Terry flattened his palms against Brian’s chest and pushed. In his shock, Brian allowed it to happen. He’d been this bad for weeks and no one had said a single thing to him about it. Terry had been sick enough when he left that he thought he might not ever see him again. There were no words to express his fury.
Brian watched in shocked silence as Terry toed off his shoes and unzipped his sweatshirt. He’d lost weight. Brian’s mind went numb. Terry was dressed as if it was freezing outside. In truth, for this late in October it was overly warm. The one thing Brian recalled from his mother’s battle with cancer was the way she’d always been cold. Terry peeled his shirt over his head, t
ossing it on the couch next to the sweatshirt. An angry burn mark marred one side his neck making Brian wince in sympathy.
“Sorry,” Terry muttered. “I can’t take my collar rubbing at it any longer.” He didn’t look at Brian nor did he wait for him to respond in any way before walking away. Brian stood in the center of the living room feeling lost. When Terry veered left, into the bedroom, Brian shook off his shock. He trailed after him, stepping through the doorway as Terry climbed onto the bed and fell facedown across it. Speaking into the pillow, Terry grumbled. “I’m tired. You should go tell Rhys you take it back.”
“Shut the fuck up, Terry,” Brian snapped as he climbed in beside him, gathering the man against his chest. It was obvious he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. Brian felt like shit for making him burn so much energy being angry with him. None of it mattered now. They were together.
Chapter Nine
The warm weight against Terry’s back seeped into his mind. Still lingering on the edge of sleep, he snuggled closer to it. Brian’s arm tightened around his waist, reminding Terry of everything that happened. Instead of fighting it, he soaked up Brian’s presence. Every rise and fall of the man’s chest pulsed against his back. With their legs entangled, their bodies touched from head to toe. Terry’s heart swelled. He’d thought he didn’t need anyone. Most certainly, he’d intended on facing this alone. It was almost as if he was testing his bravery. Now that Brian was here, he’d never been more thankful for anything in his life. Missing Brian had been killing him. He was worn out by life, exhausted with the whole goddamn thing.
Covering Brian’s arm with his, he tugged the man as close as he could.
“I didn’t come back alone.” Terry held still, waiting for Brian to finish his confession. Brian chuckled. The vibration of the sound surrounded Terry. “You’re not even going to ask are you?”
Terry smiled into the darkness. He knew Brian too well to believe he’d brought home anyone who threatened their relationship. “Hmm, let me guess. You adopted a stray, didn’t you?” Absently, he toyed with Brian’s fingers, doing his best not to laugh as the man huffed.
“You really don’t think it’s even remotely possible you’ve been replaced, do you?”
“Have I?”
The arm at Terry’s waist tightened for a moment at his question.
“Never,” Brian answered, sounding almost vicious, as if the thought pissed him off. Terry brought Brian’s hand to his mouth. Pressing his lips to it, he spoke against his skin.
“You brought someone back with you,” he reminded him. Terry felt him nod.
“Her name is Kip.”
Terry snorted. “You really did adopt a stray.”
“Actually, I think her parents might have been hippies.” At Brian’s confession, Terry rolled onto his back. With his head in his hand, Brian leaned up on his elbow looking down at him. Moonlight streamed through the open blinds, adding just enough light to the room for Terry to see Brian’s expression. “So I have your attention now, huh?”
“You always have my attention,” Terry admitted.
Brian’s eyes hooded at the words. His expression took on the wicked edge Terry had never been able to resist. He didn’t act on it. “She was traveling with Josh something-or-other. I don’t know. I always call him Blue Hawk. He’s that guy out of Newark. Anyhow, he dumped her off in Tennessee when he found some other woman. I didn’t have the heart to leave her there, so I kept her.”
As he spoke, Brian traced the line of Terry’s abs with his fingertips. Terry didn’t think Brian was fully aware of the motion, but he couldn’t concentrate on anything else. He forced himself to stay on topic. It was such an ordinary moment for them. He craved it. Nothing had felt normal in a long time.
“It’s Josh Salko,” Terry supplied, realizing he knew exactly whom Brian was referring. “I know that guy. He’s an ass.”
Brian watched him in silence for a moment. “You were in the hospital,” he said after a minute, catching Terry off guard with his change in topic and knowledge of the situation.
“I had a massive dose of chemo. It wiped out my healthy blood cells and I overdid it one day. No big deal. Will I trip over this girl on my way to the bathroom?”
“I can’t imagine why you would. When did you intend to tell me all of this?”
He didn’t see any reason to lie. “I didn’t have a plan. You said you didn’t come back alone and this is your home. It stands to reason you’ve stashed her in one of the spare bedrooms. From there, I assumed I would be tripping over her soon.”
Brian blinked several times as if rendered speechless. The unconscious touch at Terry’s waist was still driving him insane. He covered Brian’s hand with his, stopping the motion. The contact seemed to loosen Brian’s tongue.
“Since when is this my home?”
“I gave you a key,” Terry reminded him. “We moved your things in.”
Brian stared past him toward the wall, seeming lost in thought. “When you didn’t answer any of my texts, I thought you were finished with me.”
Irritated, Terry slipped from his hold and out of the bed. He went straight for the closet. After opening the door, he flipped on the light and gestured toward Brian’s clothes. “Your side of the closet.” From there, he moved to the dresser, opening a few of the drawers. “All yours,” he pointed out. Moving to the bathroom, Terry switched on the light as he entered the room. He made a show of going through the cabinet’s contents. “Yep. You have stuff in here as well.” Brian came to stand in the doorway. He leaned against the doorframe, watching Terry make his point.
“One minute you tell me you thought you might not ever see me again when I left, and the next you say this is my home. I don’t know how you expect me to not be confused.” Although Brian’s tone remained level, Terry knew Brian too well. He was barely restraining his temper.
Grasping the edge of the counter, Terry bowed his head. He stared at his whitening knuckles, unsure of the right thing to do. Brian would either get pissed or he wouldn’t, Terry decided. He drew a deep breath for strength before meeting Brian’s gaze.
“If I don’t make it, McKenna gets everything,” he paused before adding, “except this house. It’s yours. Asher has all the paperwork.”
*
Brian had nothing. He could tell by the set of Terry’s jaw he was braced for the worst. Brian couldn’t think of a single thing to say in response. “I don’t understand.” He heard himself. It was a dumbass thing to say. He knew it, but he was floored. Before Terry could call him on it, he added, “I mean I do, but…” He gestured helplessly. “I don’t.”
Terry pushed away from the counter, moving to stand in front of him. “I love you.”
Brian didn’t hesitate. “I love you too.” It was the only thing through everything that he never questioned.
“Then do this for me.”
He didn’t know what to say. In the face of Terry’s plea, he was helpless. All of the emotion he’d been trying to suppress rushed to the surface, choking him. “You can’t leave me.”
Terry reached for him and massaged the side of his neck as if attempting to soften the blow of his words. “You can’t make me stay. I wish it was that easy, but it’s not. All I’m asking is for you not to fight me on this. Let me have this tiny ounce of comfort, knowing our home will still be ours even if I’m no longer in it.”
He didn’t have a choice. How could he say no? “You don’t play fair.”
At his accusation, Terry smiled. “I warned you. Lesson number one—I always get what I want.”
“Then you should want to live,” Brian shot back.
The smirk Brian had always found irresistible made an appearance. “I do.”
Some of the tightness eased in Brian’s chest. Terry was right. He did always get his way. Terry’s thumb brushed along the column of Brian’s neck reminding him of how close he stood.
“Are you still tired?”
Terry shook his head.
&nb
sp; “Good,” Brian said as he eyed the man’s mouth. “I need a shower. I haven’t had one since before I checked out of the hotel.” He searched his mind in an attempt at recalling the time. He gave up. “Whenever that was.”
A flash of disappointment crossed Terry’s face but he didn’t argue. He made a move as if to leave. Brian braced his arm against the doorframe, blocking his path. “Where do you think you’re going?” He dropped his hand from the frame to Terry’s waist, tugging him closer. “I’m not letting you out of my sight. You have a habit of disappearing.”
One corner of Terry’s mouth lifted in a sardonic smile. “If that’s the only reason you want me to stay…”
Brian worked the button free on Terry’s jeans. “Do you really want me to give you a list of reasons? It could take a while.” He slid the zipper down. “I could show you instead.” Dipping his head, he captured Terry’s mouth with his. Every frayed nerve and hurt Brian suffered in the past weeks smoothed away as Terry sank his teeth into his bottom lip. His fingers closed around Terry’s erection.
“Shower later.”
Brian chuckled at the demand while doing his best to drive Terry insane. The material of his shirt slid up his back as Terry hands dove beneath it. He backed away long enough to pull it over his head before recapturing Terry’s mouth. The man’s jeans had to go, Brian decided, pushing them down his hips. Brian felt him flinch. Scared he’d done something wrong, Brian tore his mouth away, glancing down. A huge bruise covered Terry upper thigh.
“It’s the only place they can give me some of my injections,” Terry said. His tone and expression made Brian’s chest hurt. It was as if he thought he was ruining their moment by explaining the mark.
“Anything else I need to know about?” As Brian asked the question, his hands went to his own jeans, working on the button. Terry’s eyes followed the motion.
“Not that I can think of.”
“Good. Finish getting undressed.”
Without waiting to make sure he complied, Brian kicked out of his clothes and headed for the shower. With the door standing open, he twisted the knobs until a hint of steam rolled from the water falling from the showerhead. A solid weight landed between his shoulder blades, shoving him inside. Terry followed him in, pulling the door closed behind them. Brian turned in enough time to catch sight of Terry’s determined expression before his back hit the shower wall. Snagging his neck, Terry consumed him. There was no other way to describe the devouring kiss.
Unattainable (No Rival Book 5) Page 10