by Dona Sarkar
She silently read the rest of the article.
She’s really gone.
Leah felt her breath catch. “Oh, Mama—”
“Don’t Mama me. You need to listen to me. Back in the eighties, this disease wasn’t known. Back then, if a girl lost that much weight, people would just say, ‘eat and you’ll be fine.’ I had no one. I had to make the decision that I wanted to live. For myself. For you.” Victoria sighed. “Now there are drugs, treatments, counseling. We’ll get you everything you need. But we will fix you.”
“I don’t need any of that. I can fix this on my own. I was just dehydrated. That’s all.”
“Why are you not touching this food?”
Leah didn’t answer. She crumpled the newspaper in her hand. In two weeks, that will be you.
She couldn’t get the doctor’s words out of her head.
Two weeks.
“I shouldn’t have pressured you into modeling. You were such a perfect little girl. So strong. An amazing future ahead of you. I ruined it. I ruined you.”
Leah stared at her mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. Seeing Victoria lose it like that unnerved her. Was her body really falling apart like that? Was there a chance that she might…die?
“I’m scared,” she said, almost to herself.
“We’ll get through this. We will. You will get strong. You will play ball for the Bruins.”
“The modeling? Mama, I’m on the cover—”
“I thought that if you were a successful model without any eating disorders, I would be able to redeem myself. It would mean I wasn’t a screwup. I wanted you to become a successful version of me. But I almost killed you.”
“Mama, it wasn’t your fault. I did this—” Leah gestured towards her ribs “—to myself. No one forced me.”
Victoria picked up the bowl of mac and cheese. “And no one is going to force you to get well either. You need to decide for yourself.”
Leah stared down at her bare legs and stockinged feet. Those weren’t her legs. Those legs would never take her to UCLA to play for the Bruins. “I want to get better.”
Leah opened her mouth and allowed Victoria to place a forkful of macaroni in it.
eighteen
The Basketball Diaries
Leah gazed out at the snowflakes dancing outside her windows. She’d been moved out of the psychiatric wing and into a normal room after she’d started eating on her own.
She even had her own clothes back and her mother even had snuck in Espresso Bean for a visit. The purring cat did more for Leah’s sadness than anything else. Victoria had promised to bring Beanie back later in the week.
Leah blinked as a snowball hit her window. Wow. Snow in L.A. And early in December at that. Fitting that tonight was the Snow Ball. Shazan would have loved it.
Tears filled her eyes. Nothing would bring her friend back now. She’d never felt so much guilt and remorse. She thought back to the last conversation she and Shazan had had.
I’ll get better, I swear.
Knock, knock.
Leah didn’t lift her head from the pillow. Jay, the basketball team and the cheerleaders had come to see her in the past month, but the visits had started to taper off. For the past few days, no one had come by. Except for Victoria, who never left except to get coffee and changes of clothes. Leah didn’t expect anyone except candy stripers anymore.
Jay’s head appeared followed by an enormous gift basket. “‘We’re not shy, Wednesday! We’re contagious!’”
Addams Family reference. Leah was in no mood to play.
“Hey.” Leah swiped at her cheek with the back of her hand, surprised. “What are you doing here?” She observed Jay’s suit. Black suit, black tie. He looked like a Mafia man. Sexy.
“I was on my way to pick up Jenn for the Snow Ball. I wanted to see you first, though. How’s my tie?”
“Terrible. You’re such a loser,” Leah deadpanned.
“I’ve missed you,” Jay said simply, setting the basket down next to Leah. She eyed it. Chocolate bars, peanuts, fruit. All her favorites. “The team sent this. They said to forget about the game and just get better. They need you to kick some real ass next year.”
“I will.” Leah reached for the basket. “Hand me that Snickers bar, will ya?”
“You look great.” He handed her the bar, their hands touching. “Much better than last week.”
Leah pulled her hand away first. “I’m eating on my own. I can’t believe I gave up chocolate.” She bit into the chocolatey peanuty goodness. “Heaven.”
“Listen, about what happened—”
Leah shrugged. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I didn’t think you would. You’re a great girl, but you know—”
“I get it, we’re friends.” She pointedly gestured toward her knee, where his hand was resting.
He removed it quickly.
She didn’t get it. But it wasn’t going to happen and she wasn’t going to lose any more dignity trying. Maybe she would never get over Jay. But she was tired of letting him walk all over her. There was someone out there for her. Someone who loved her for her.
“Yeah.” Jay looked visibly relieved. “So, we’re, uh, okay?”
“Definitely. I have plenty of other things to worry about. The game. College. Doing something in Shazan’s memory. I don’t really have time to obsess over you, if you’re worried about that.”
He laughed. Uneasily.
“Cool. By the way, there’s some guy in the hall. Says he met you in O.C.”
Leah’s head pounded. “Tall, light hair? Tan?”
“Yeah.”
“Let him in.” She crumpled up the Snickers wrapper. “I know him.”
“Okay,” Jay said doubtfully. He went to the door and stuck his head out. “Hey! You can come in.”
Cillian appeared, arms full of flowers. Tan and gorgeous as ever. “I hope it’s okay I’m here. Your mom said—”
“What are you doing here?” Leah scowled at him. Last time she’d seen him, he was pawing at her mother’s model friend.
“I saw this.” Cillian laid an advance copy of Jade magazine onto Leah’s lap. “And I knew something was wrong. When I asked Alfreddo, he said you were in the hospital.”
Leah glanced down at the magazine. She was on the cover! But she looked so strange. All angles and light. That wasn’t her face. Where were her lush eyelashes and flushed cheeks? This girl had dead eyes and razored cheekbones. She looked…old! Much older than herself. And tired. She didn’t look like that in real life. Did she?
“You were so beautiful in O.C. What happened to you? Why did you do this?”
“Because you wanted it.”
“I did not!”
“I was an idiot. I was trying to be something I wasn’t.”
Cillian laid a hand on hers. “I’m sorry. What happened? How did you end up here?”
“I fainted. After not eating for two days.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
All three were silent for a second. The question in Jay’s eyes was obvious.
“Cillian, Jay. Jay, Cillian.”
They eyed each other.
“Cillian is an up-and-coming photographer for Mom’s agency. Jay’s my neighbor.”
They grunted at each other.
Cillian scooted closer to Leah. Jay stepped closer to hear what he was saying.
“You are perfect the way you are.” Cillian lightly touched her cheek. “Alfreddo told me he would have my job if he caught me with you again. I had to stay away.”
“What? Why didn’t you say something? I thought you and Paula—”
“No way.” Cillian lowered his voice further. “I wanted to call you so many times, but I thought—”
“But you didn’t,” Leah reminded him. “What about Alfreddo now? Why aren’t you quaking in your boots? Won’t he find out about this visit?”
“I don’t give a damn about Alfreddo anymore. I should have told
you in the first place. He’s such a jackass. Your mom fired him, you know that?”
Leah laughed. “Thank God. He was such a creep.”
Jay cleared his throat. “Leah. I’m going to go.”
“Okay.” Leah barely glanced up. He hesitated in the doorway, not looking like he was in any hurry to get to his precious Jennifer.
“Give me a second chance?” Cillian asked. That easy grin of his was obviously not used to hearing the word no. “We were pretty good together.”
Leah glanced from him to Jay to the flowers all her friends had brought her. The Bruins jersey the coach had sent her.
The magazine Cillian had brought. Who was that stranger staring back at her? Who were those girls on the ANA Web site? That wasn’t her life. Her life was going to begin in this room.
“We’ll see. Like I told Jay,” Leah said, slyly gazing from Jay to Cillian, “I have a lot of other things to look forward to right now. I have my whole life ahead of me. But for right now, could one of you hand me that Milky Way bar? I’m starving!”
SHRINK TO FIT
ISBN: 978-1-4268-2015-1
© 2008 by Dona Sarkar-Mishra
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