by Nicole Fox
Surely, we still mean enough to each other that I should want to protect him from imminent danger?
Maybe not.
Noah scares me. This version of him, angry and stone cold and threatening, is foreign to me.
But still intoxicating. I can’t be in his presence without losing my head just a little.
He has always had that effect on me.
Looking across the gym at him today took me right back to the start of high school. It feels like a lifetime ago now, the party and the closet.
It has been so long since his hands have been on me in that way, but I can still feel the ghost of them, grabbing my waist, drawing me near.
Back then, his touch was tender, gentle.
Now, it’s dangerous.
I should stay away from him and keep my distance. I’m just not sure if I know how to do that.
In my entire life, Noah has been the only person who knew me. He understood the hard parts about my life. Knew how to make me feel better.
Without him, I’ve been treading water.
And these days, the waves are getting dangerously choppy.
Maybe that’s why I should just play along.
If I let him feel like he’s winning, maybe he’ll get bored. Then, in a few months, I’ll be out of this shit town, away from my shit mom, and getting on with my shit life.
I’ll never have to see Noah again.
The thought curdles in a way I don’t expect.
We haven’t been close in years, but at least when I came to school, I knew I’d see him. In the hallways, talking with his friends, eating lunch.
I got to be a tiny part of the fabric of his life, watching as his jawline sharpened and he grew several inches taller and chopped off the mass of his curly hair.
So long as I saw him every day, I could pretend he was still mine. That I was still his.
Once I’m out of Ravenlake Prep, though, our connection will be severed.
And I’ll be nothing to him.
I press my folded hands against my empty stomach and chuckle humorlessly.
At least he talks to me now, right? I’d rather be the object of Noah’s hatred than nothing.
That sounds so pathetic. I wish it wasn’t true.
But it is.
Maybe Momma was right about me.
The hallways are still empty and quiet, so I know the pep rally is still going on, and I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to go back, but I also don’t want to loiter in the hallways and run into Noah or a teacher.
Momma would not take kindly to me getting in trouble on the first day of school.
She wants me to run with the right crowd, which often involves a decent amount of deviance, but I’m never to be caught.
You want to be popular, not a delinquent.
I’m debating where to go…
When the door to the girl’s bathroom opens next to me.
A hand plunges out, wrapping around my elbow.
I yelp in surprise, assuming it’s Noah again.
But when the door closes behind me, I hear female giggling and see my friends.
“There you are!” Jennifer says, swinging her legs off the bathroom counter s he’s sitting on. “We followed you when you left, but couldn’t find you.”
“Well you’ve found and assaulted me now. What do you want?”
“Sorry,” Anika grins, the harsh words I spewed at her at the bonfire already forgotten. “Mr. Thomas has been lurking around out there, and I didn’t want to get caught.”
“Get caught peeing?”
I walk to the mirror and fix a few stray pieces of hair.
I almost expected to look different, as though my encounter with Noah would have left behind a physical change.
But I look the same as I did when I left my house this morning.
I had my hair pulled back into a ponytail when I came down the stairs, but my mom wrinkled her nose and shook her head the instant she saw me.
“No, come here.”
She ripped the hair tie out of my hair so hard I could hear strands snapping from the force. She ignored my cry of pain and began primping me.
When she was finished, she stood back and smiled. “There you go. Guys like hair they can hold onto.”
“I’m going to school, not on a date.”
Her eyes narrowed. “In high school, there’s no difference.”
Then, either in punishment for my snarky comment that morning or for the way I treated Maryann at the yoga studio, she sent me off with a travel cup of coffee and no breakfast.
“If you buy breakfast with your debit, I’ll know,” she whispered in a vicious warning. “And I took the cash out of your center console last night.”
My stomach is growling, and I clear my throat to hide the noise as I turn to face my “friends.”
Jennifer is waggling a flask in the air, her tongue pinched between her teeth in a smile. “First day of our last semester celebration?”
Anika grins, but keeps her response measured until she can see how I’ll react.
I narrow my eyes on Jennifer. “Shots before first period is a little alcoholic, don’t we think?”
Both of their faces fall. Jennifer drops the flask and chews on the corner of her lip. “Only if you make it a routine. Today is a celebration. Our last semester together before we take on the world.”
Her enthusiasm for the future is foreign to me.
At this point, the only thing I know for sure is that I want out of Ravenlake.
Beyond that, I have no plans. Certainly no “take on the world” plans.
I, for one, would be happy if I could just eat a meal whenever I wanted.
My stomach churns again, begging for food. I suppose I’d rather have some alcohol to numb the feeling than nothing at all.
So, I sigh and hold out my hand for the flask. Jennifer and Anika practically squee with pleasure.
It’s tequila, my least favorite. I wince as the liquor burns down my throat.
“God, Jen. Who drinks tequila straight from a flask?”
“A wannabe alcoholic,” Anika says with a stifled laugh.
Jen shoots her a look. Anika shrugs apologetically before looking to me for approval.
That’s the kind of power I have over my friends and other people in this school. They’ll sell out their own friends to earn my favor. That’s the kind of control my mom has been pushing for me to have.
I have it. Just like she wanted. Just like she demanded.
Still, it isn’t enough for her. Nothing ever is.
I laugh and wink at Anika, sending her to cloud nine, and then take another swig form the flask.
I’m tempted to keep drinking, but straight tequila on an empty stomach on the first day of school is a real recipe for disaster.
“I also brought some of the leftover beer cans from the party,” Anika says, unzipping her leather backpack and flashing us the contraband.
One beer on an empty stomach will be fine.
We all huddle in the corner of the bathroom with our drinks. The conversation quickly turns to gossip about the upcoming semester.
“Caleb and Haley were the big story last semester,” Anika says. “Who do you think will be next?”
Jennifer smirks and looks at us both meaningfully, clearly waiting for us to say something.
“What? Are you going to barf?” Anika asks, poking Jen’s stomach. “What’s wrong with you?”
She slouches forward like we’ve dragged the information out of her. “Well, I thought maybe you guys would have heard who hooked up at the bonfire the other night.”
We both shake our heads, and her lower lip pouts out. “I’m sure the news will make the rounds soon, but… J.C. and I spent the night together!”
Anika claps a hand over her mouth. I raise my brows, dubious. “You fucked J.C.?”
Jennifer’s chest puffs out with pride as she nods.
“In his bed?”
Her confidence falters. “Well, no
.”
“In his car?” Anika asks.
“No,” she says, more annoyed. “We were making out in the woods and things progressed pretty quickly from there. We were both so into it that there wasn’t really time to go anywhere else. We just—”
“You slept in the woods?!” Anika’s expression is horrified.
I’m sure mine isn’t much different. “That’s nasty, Jen.”
“It wasn’t nasty. It was…”
“Wild,” Anika finishes for her with a snicker.
This time, my laughter isn’t fake. That really was funny.
“You two don’t get it,” Jen says. “J.C. has been the perpetual bachelor of The Golden Boys, but I think I might be able to change him. He said the ‘L-word.’”
I wave my hands in the air to draw all attention to me. “Speak clearly. Did he say ‘I love you’?”
Jen’s cheeks flush. “No, not exactly.”
“Then, what exactly did he say?” Anika asks.
“He said… ‘I love the way you do that.’”
Anika and I both erupt in laughter, falling over each other.
“What were you doing at the time he uttered those momentous words?” Anika asks, making a vulgar gesture with her hand and mouth that, based on the way Jen’s face reddens, is probably very accurate.
“Whatever. You guys suck.” Jen takes a long drink from her beer can and crumples it before throwing it in the trash. “He seemed into it.”
Anika nods condescendingly and continues. “Okay, aside from the fated stars that are J.C. and Jennifer, who else do we think will hook up this semester?”
“What about Noah?” Jen asks, eager to get the focus off of her. “He hasn’t been with anyone for a while.”
Both girls turn to me, eyes hungry and expectant.
Very few people know the full story behind our falling out. I’d like to keep it that way.
They play the parts of my friends, but we all know they’d eat me alive like wild animals if they thought I had a secret they could sell to the rest of the student body.
I have no intention of making my private life public.
So, even though I want to inform them Noah is newly horrible and to be avoided at all costs, that response would raise too many eyebrows. I’d have to tell them about too many things I’d rather keep buried.
So, I fall in line with the rest of the female population of Ravenlake Prep and fawn over Noah Boone.
“He must be single of his own choice. Every girl in school wants to get with him,” I say.
Jen frowns. “Haven’t you already? I mean, that’s what I heard.”
“Ancient history,” I say with a dismissive wave.
“But did you two…?” Anika hums a sexy song while shaking her hips.
I stare at her with mild horror. “What was that?”
“My sexy dance!”
“You looked like one of those hula dancers people stick on their dashboards.” Jennifer vibrates her whole body aggressively and then dissolves into laughter.
My friends are like goldfish. It doesn’t take much to change the topic of conversation.
For a change, I’m glad about that. I can’t talk about Noah like we don’t have a long, painful history looming behind us.
My stomach feels queasy. I’m not sure if it’s because of Noah or the mixture of alcohol with my empty stomach.
Probably both.
Suddenly, the bathroom door bangs open and heavy footsteps bang across the tile floor, echoing off the ceiling.
Anika and I both hurry to toss our beer cans in the trash can just as Mr. Thomas rounds the corner.
“What is going on in here, ladies?”
Anika gives a yelp. “You can’t be in here! You’re a man!”
Mr. Thomas crosses his arms over his plaid short-sleeve t-shirt and glares. “I can enter any room in the building if I believe students are in danger. Since everyone else is at the pep rally, I mistook your laughter for a cry for help.”
Jennifer nudges Anika in the arm. “Way to go, banshee.”
“And since I see a visible flask and beer cans in the trash can, I can now write you all up for drinking on school grounds and order a round of detentions.”
Mr. Thomas is one of the younger teaches on staff at Ravenlake Prep. He only graduated a few years earlier, putting him in his mid-to-late twenties.
But he grew up in Ravenlake, attended Ravenlake Prep, and his parents still send hefty donations to the school every year.
When he applied for the open history position, I’d be surprised if they even looked at other candidates.
He’s young, but his hairline is already beginning to crawl backwards and the body he kept lean playing soccer in college has gone soft, especially around the middle.
None of that ever stops him from staring down my chest when he stands by my desk in his U.S. history class.
Time to use that to my advantage.
“We’re sorry, Mr. Thomas,” I say, twirling hair around my finger and walking towards him, one foot directly in front of the other so my hips sway back and forth with each step. “It was a stupid way to celebrate the fact that we’re all graduating and becoming adults.”
I lick my lips. His eyes slide down to my mouth helplessly.
“Technically, I’m already an adult. I just turned eighteen a few months ago.” I lift a bare shoulder in an innocent shrug. “It seems silly that I can do almost anything I want to with my body now except buy alcohol, doesn’t it?”
Mr. Thomas swallows. “Well, laws are laws.”
I can see in his eyes that he’s regretting several different laws as he takes me in.
I feel dirty—sticky, almost.
Like my teacher’s gaze is leaving behind a physical residue on me, dirtying me in a way that will be hard to clean later.
But I’m not sure how else to get what I want out of men. It’s all Momma ever taught me.
Your body and your looks will get you what you want. If you stop eating like such a cow, that is.
He clears his throat suddenly, blinking, and backs away, holding an arm out towards the door. “Since it’s the first day, I’ll let it slide. Our little secret. But you all need to get back to the assembly right now.”
Anika and Jennifer grab their bags and hurry to the door.
But I stay behind, feeling too nauseous to move.
The room is starting to spin slightly like a top half a second before it clatters down. I can feel the emptiness in my stomach roiling dangerously.
“Penelope,” Mr. Thomas says, his voice low and hoarse. “What aren’t you leaving?”
It sounds like he’s asking a simple question.
But I’ve dealt with men long enough to be able to interpret the dark look in his eyes.
All it would take is a little more pushing and he would pounce. One curl of my finger, and he’d close the distance between us and touch me in ways that would see him fired.
Maybe even arrested.
The realization sends a chill down my spine.
“This is still a bathroom,” I snap, pointing to the stall. “I have to pee.”
He continues to stare at me, disappointment and relief warring over his expression.
I open the stall door, clinging to it so I don’t fall over. “Did you plan to watch, or…?”
At that, Mr. Thomas snaps to attention, turns on his heel, and marches out of the bathroom.
The second the door is closed, I drop to my knees and dry heave into the toilet.
I wish there was someone to tell about the interaction.
Someone I could confide in who would get it.
Who would understand the invisible lines Mr. Thomas crossed and teach him a lesson about doing so again.
For a brief flash, I imagine Noah storming into the bathroom, fists at the ready, to teach Mr. Thomas a lesson.
But it’s gone before the edges can solidify.
Noah Boone wouldn’t come to my aid. Why would he ever bother prote
cting me?
He’s the one I need protection from.
14
Noah
Mom tries to have family dinners over the next week.
I’m not sure you can call two people sitting around the table a “family” dinner, but so be it.
My biggest question is, Why?
It could be because of the ripped up family picture she may or may not have found in the fireplace.
Or simply because she feels rightfully guilty for being too drunk to be a parent.
Either way, I’m not a fan.
She gives herself a heavy pour of red with dinner, and every night, the wine mixes with the Valium she sneaks in the kitchen to the point she is practically falling asleep in the middle of the conversation.
Family bonding at its finest.
“I thought I heard you playing the other day,” she mumbles, stabbing awkwardly at the dry chicken she cooked for dinner. “You haven’t played your guitar in so long. How was it?”
“Fine.”
Her eyelids grow heavy, and she rests her chin on her hands. “I know you and your dad used to play, so it can be hard, but—”
“It’s not hard. It’s fine.”
“Noah, I only wan…” Her words drift into unrecognizable garble.
That’s my cue. I take my plate up to my room.
The next night, I skip family dinner in favor of a drive-thru hamburger and head to J.C.’s house.
He lives in a gated neighborhood less than five minutes from mine. The houses all look the same—imposing brick or stucco exteriors with large windows, big double doors, and aggressively landscaped lawns.
I don’t realize what I’m seeing until it’s too late.
Until I’ve slowed to a crawl on the road.
Until the door of Penny’s white Mini Cooper opens in front of her house and she gets out.
She doesn’t look up at she grabs her bag from the passenger seat. Doesn’t see how I’ve unconsciously taken the long route to J.C.’s, driven past her place, looking for… what? A glimpse of her?
Fuck no. I’ve had plenty of those.
She has on a pair of high-waisted jean shorts that show off her long, toned legs. When she lifts her arm to free her hair from under her backpack strap, her shirt lifts to reveal a stripe of her tanned midsection.