by Lise Gold
Nadine’s story tonight was that she liked the city so much that she’d decided to stay for longer, and she’d only agreed to go out with Flavio once more because she knew Rome would be here, and because Matteo would be here too. She didn’t like the idea of Rome being in the company of the creep who’d kept eyeing her up during their previous dinners, and her protective streak flared up once again when she watched him slide his hand down Rome’s back while he greeted her. Rome quickly pulled out of his embrace and turned to say hello to Rob, and then Flavio, looking mildly irritated. She didn’t seem threatened by Matteo anymore, now that contracts had been signed, and the power balance was restored, but Nadine still wanted to throw her glass of wine in his face for even touching her that way. Stay professional. You still need this job, she silently reminded herself.
“Well isn’t this nice?” Flavio shot them a wide grin. “All reunited like old friends.” He waited for the waiter to pour Rome a glass of champagne, then held his own glass up in a toast. “Here’s to Rome, who’s going to make us a lot of money. Welcome to team Nero.”
Rome toasted with them and gave them a charming smile, locking her eyes with Nadine’s for a beat before she spoke. “Thank you. I promise you I will work very hard to make you even wealthier, but most of all, I’m proud that we will be working together to make this world more environmentally friendly.”
The three men snickered, then composed themselves when they realized the women weren’t laughing.
“Why is that funny, honey?” Nadine asked Flavio. “Aren’t you going to test the app yourself, considering you have such a high stake in it?”
“Me?” Flavio chuckled. “Absolutely not. I fly first class twice a week and take private limos everywhere; I don’t think my carbon score would look good on my social profile.”
“Of course.” Nadine managed an indulgent smile, then fixed her attention back to Rome. “Well I for one, can’t wait to try it. In all honesty, I’m not the most conscientious person either, so I really think the app would help me consider everything I do more carefully.”
“Do you drive a car?” Rome asked her, pretending she knew nothing about Nadine.
“No.”
“Okay. Do you use plastic bags?”
“No. I get my groceries from the market and take my own bag.”
“Then you’re already doing a lot better than most people,” Rome said. “And besides, it’s not about being perfect because there is no such thing and we all need our comforts in life. It’s about the little things we can do every day, because if millions of people join in with the little things, big changes will happen.”
“I like that.” Nadine tried not to swoon over Rome, whose eyes lit up when she spoke about her mission.
“Yes, it’s fascinating, but let’s order food now, shall we?” Matteo chuckled as he unfolded his napkin and opened the menu. Nadine gritted her teeth while she took a sip of her champagne, but noted Rome wasn’t getting worked up about his attitude. They’d both met their fair share of assholes over the course of their career and, just like her, Rome understood that sometimes you needed to let things slide in order to get things done. Things that mattered.
“Sure,” she said, giving Nadine a subtle wink.
Nadine felt a rush of arousal and without thinking, she stretched out her leg under the table to rub her heeled foot against Rome’s calf. Rome’s reaction pleased her, and she studied the blonde woman whose cheeks turned a cute shade of pink as her lips pulled into a small smile. Conscious that someone might notice, she straightened herself again and mumbled something about the appetizers to Flavio. By now he was so smitten with her that he even asked for her opinion on things.
“How about the oysters, honey? Would you like to share?”
“That would be nice,” she said in a sultry voice, even though she wasn’t a big fan of oysters.
“You know what they say about oysters…” He licked his lips and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. Nadine let him as there was no way she could subtly fend him off. Disgusted by the feel of his wet mouth against her skin, she immediately turned to her other table companions and started firing off a story about a time she found a pearl while oyster diving in the Maldives. Only half of it was true, but she really needed to take the conversation away from aphrodisiacs. The men laughed, but she felt a shift in Rome’s demeanor. Although she was laughing along, the sparkle was gone from her eyes, and Nadine saw her hands were balled into fists. It made her worry, and she had trouble following the conversation after that.
“Nadine and I like to have brunch in bed on Sundays, don’t we, sexy?” Nadine vaguely registered Flavio saying something while she studied Rome, who avoided eye-contact with her after they’d ordered.
“I’m sorry honey. What did you say?” she asked, feeling more confused than anything. Nothing of consequence had happened, at least not anything she was aware of.
“I was saying how much we love to have brunch in bed on Sundays.” Flavio covered her hand with his own. “The hotel where Nadine is staying does very good eggs Benedict.”
“Yeah, they’re great,” Nadine mumbled, forcing a smile. She followed Flavio with her eyes as he stood up. “Where are you going?”
“Rob is just going to show us his new car before the food arrives. Would you ladies like to join us?”
“No thank you. I’d rather just stay seated in these heels and anyway, what do I know about cars?” She chuckled and looked at Rome, begging her with her eyes to stay.
“I think I’ll stay here too,” Rome said. “Same thing, high heels. Take a picture for me though, I’d love to see it.”
“Everything okay?” Nadine asked when they were alone.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Rome shrugged and put on a brave smile. “Why?”
“Well, because I’m really happy to see you again and I get the feeling it’s not mutual. At least it hasn’t felt like that in the past half hour. What happened?” Nadine leaned in and at the same time, Rome shifted back as if she was scared of being close to her. “I was hoping we could meet up tonight. There’s no full moon, but it’s been a while,” she joked.
“I can’t tonight; I’m feeling a little jet lagged.” Rome sounded flat and avoided her gaze.
“Jet lagged,” Nadine repeated with a puzzled frown. “Somehow I don’t believe you.” She waited for Rome to speak, but she remained silent. “Come on, Rome, please tell me what’s wrong.”
“It hurts,” Rome finally whispered. “It hurts to see you with someone else and I know it’s stupid because we’re not together and this is your job, but it still stings. I can’t stand it when he touches you.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m not yours and you’re not mine. I clearly got carried away, and we should never have taken it as far as we did because I don’t like how I’m feeling. I’ve managed to live my whole life without self-inflicted drama, so I don’t see why I should start now.”
“But…”
“No, wait.” Rome stopped Nadine. “I’m starting work on Monday, and I need to be on top of my game. I don’t have space for these…” she patted her belly and sighed. “Feelings. It’s too much. I guess I didn’t realize how much I liked you until I saw you with him tonight.”
“But Rome, it means nothing. I don’t even like men that way.”
“No, you don’t, but next week you might be on a date with a woman, and that will be even worse for me.” Rome’s gaze shifted to the sky, her mind spinning as she searched for words. “I thought I could do casual and I really like you, Nadine. But right now, I’m about to start the most important project in my life and I can’t get distracted by things I don’t understand. I need to keep my head screwed on. It’s not like we’re in a relationship, but it’s already messing me up and that’s not a good sign.”
“You’re right. We’re not in a relationship, and I’m not a fan of those in general.” Nadine paused. “But please hear me out. What I wanted to say is that I really missed you when you w
ere away and I’ve spent the whole day thinking of you, wishing time would speed up, because I couldn’t wait to see you again.” She surprised herself with her own honesty, because she rarely spoke about her feelings like this.
A sadness settled over Rome’s features as she met her eyes. “Honestly, I was looking forward to seeing you too. I just didn’t expect to feel this stabbing pain each time he touched you and pretended you were his girlfriend. Those two nights… they changed me, and they might just be casual to you, but to me, they meant so much more because I’d never been with a woman before. You made me want you and it’s not fair; I was fine before I met you.”
“You mean you were fine feeling nothing at all?” Nadine frowned. “I don’t see how that’s fine. How can you live like that?”
“How can I live like that?” Rome repeated, looking irritated now. “How can you live like this?” She took a long sip of her wine, then refilled her glass. “Look, I didn’t mean it that way. I understand why you do what you do. It’s your job and you need the income. But you have to admit that it’s better if we stop sleeping together because someone’s going to get hurt. You, me, or both of us, and I don’t want that. I had a taste of it tonight and I just can’t do whatever it is we’re doing anymore.”
Nadine nodded. She felt horrible, seeing Rome like this. “I’m so, so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. We can leave now if you want and…”
“No,” Rome interrupted her again. “You need to stay here and do your job, and I need to do the same.”
Nadine suppressed a sigh. She knew Rome was right, but the rejection still hurt. She’d longed for Rome for weeks, and she’d missed her like she’d never missed anyone before. “Can we at least still be friends?”
Rome’s expression softened, and she gave her a small smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.” She shrugged. “I can’t imagine not seeing you anymore. I just need to try and get rid of these damn feelings.”
“I sense you don’t like ‘feelings’ very much,” Nadine said, making quote marks in the air.
“I don’t. Feelings are what make me turn away from people, especially painful feelings, and I don’t want to lose you.” Rome paused. “Don’t ask me why, I’m just a little messed up like that.”
“That’s okay. We’re all a little messed up.” Nadine reached for her hand over the table, and Rome took it. It scared her how good it felt to touch her, but she kept that to herself. If this was hurting Rome in any way, she’d keep her distance, and being just friends was fine. After all, it was what she wanted too, wasn’t it?
21
Rome folded up the cardboard box she’d just unpacked and flung it into a corner of the room. Her apartment in Monti in central Rome was starting to look like home, now that she’d bought some flowers and her personal items were displayed. Everything about the place Nadine had found for her was perfect: it was furnished, close to the metro, she could see parts of the Forum and the Colosseum from her bedroom window, and it was far enough from Nadine’s apartment not to go wandering there on a whim. It was nice not to worry about being able to pay the rent for once and to simply pick something that she liked, and Nadine had provided her with an amazing selection. She hadn’t gone overboard; it was still only a two-bedroom apartment, but it cost more than she’d ever spent on rent before. She had money in her account, her credit cards were paid off, she was debt-free and that felt really, really good.
She’d settled on six months with the rental agency as she wasn’t sure how long she would be here, and that was the other thing that had held her back from staying at Nadine’s last night. She’d realized how much she liked her, and she didn’t want to get too attached if she’d be leaving again. If it already hurt seeing her with someone now—someone who didn’t mean anything to Nadine—it would be impossible not to get her heart broken when she went back to the US, or perhaps much sooner, when Nadine got bored with her because she didn’t ‘do’ relationships.
Nadine might be the most mysterious and intriguing woman Rome had ever met, but when it came to relationships, she wasn’t hard to figure out. She recognized the signs; Nadine used her job as an excuse not to get close to anyone and even though she’d been the one who’d wanted Rome to stay over, she’d realize soon enough that it was getting too serious. No, it was best to remain friends and have fun together while she was here, nothing more. She wondered how Nadine had become this way. Was it a result of years of escort work, or was her escort work a result of a deep-rooted detachment that was already there? Whatever it was, they were more alike than they’d initially realized.
Her eyes were drawn to a box with her old photo albums and she opened it and picked one out. She wasn’t sure why she’d brought them all the way here because she could have easily left them in storage in Portland, or at her father’s house. Each time she’d moved, she’d brought them with her, literally carrying the burden of painful memories. Why was she still doing this to herself?
The old, brown and ochre yellow albums were torn at the edges and most pictures had faded over time. It was all Rome had left of her mother, and even though she hated her for leaving her and her father, she couldn’t help but look through them every now and then as she tried to recall memories of happier times in her youth. She opened one of her favorite albums and allowed herself to feel angry and hurt at seeing her mother’s smiling face.
Her sudden departure had destroyed her world when Rome was twelve. Although she’d suffered from light depression from time to time, she’d never given Rome any reason to believe she was unhappy with the life she led. Fathers were the ones who left if they couldn’t handle mundane family life, not mothers. Fathers had affairs, started new families, or simply disappeared, at least that was what she’d witnessed with some of her friends throughout her youth. Mothers were supposed to stick by you, no matter what. They were supposed to see their children grow up and love them unconditionally.
A stupid note was all that was left of her when Rome had returned from school that day, twenty years ago. Her clothes were gone, her shoes, her makeup, her diary on the kitchen counter, and her glasses that were always on the coffee table. Even her hairbrush was gone, and when Rome broke down and needed it most, there wasn’t even a towel left with her scent on it. Her mother had cleared away every trace of herself as if she’d never been there.
I’m so, so sorry. I love you both very much, but I can’t do this anymore.
There had been no explanation, no excuse, and they’d been unable to contact her. Her father had called the police, but as her mother had left a note, and meticulously packed all her things, they’d carefully tried to break it to them that it looked like her mother had indeed, just left them.
It had been a normal Thursday afternoon, no different from any other day. After letting herself in through the backdoor that was always open, Rome had walked into the kitchen, expecting to see her mother there. She was always in the kitchen, cooking, when Rome came out of school. They would share a drink together and talk about their day. But she wasn’t there, and it wasn’t until Rome realized things like the coats and shoes in the hallway, and the makeup bag in the bathroom were missing, that she started to get worried.
Mom? Rome still remembered the sound of her own voice as it echoed through the house. It was just an uncomfortable feeling at first; her intuition telling her something was wrong. As soon as she started to scan the rooms though, it was clear that her mother was gone. Her father hadn’t believed her when she called him at first, and to this day, she was pretty sure he was telling the truth when he said he hadn’t seen it coming either.
Those first months without her mother were incredibly hard. It wasn’t just the loneliness she felt, and the hurt of missing her when she came home to an empty house each day. It was the raging anger that threatened to choke her each time she envisioned seeing her again when she changed her mind and came back. Rome had rehearsed what she’d say to her so many times, but the reunion never happened, and she’d genuinely believed then, tha
t it would have been easier if her mother had just died.
It broke her father too, and he buried himself in work. Rome’s grandmother moved in with them and took care of Rome until she started boarding school the following year. She didn’t blame her father for sending her there. He had to work, her grandmother was old and struggling with her health, and it was just easier that way. Besides, she and her father had never been close, not like she’d been with her mother, who had always been a stay-at-home mom. Looking back, she still didn’t understand how her mother could have faked it with her all those years, because she looked genuinely happy in the pictures.
Rome didn’t look like her mother, who was tall and dark-haired, but she didn’t look like her father either, with his ginger beard and Irish features. One of the pictures showed them as a family, having Christmas dinner at her grandmother’s house, another one was of her sitting between her parents on a bench in a park, eating ice cream. But most pictures were just of her and her mom; at home, on daytrips together, and even on holiday when her father was too busy with work. The pictures made her feel sick, but she still forced herself to look at every single one of them each time she opened the albums, endlessly wondering what was hidden behind that wide smile. It was generally just the two of them, and so Rome suspected Maggie Foster had been so bored of her own child that she simply had to get away. She’d looked for similar stories online but only found a few. Not knowing if her life had been based on a lie or not had been the hardest thing to comprehend, and she couldn’t think of a greater betrayal, a greater pain, than what her mother had done to her.
Flipping the page, she wiped away a tear as she got to the last picture, taken by her grandmother, a month before her life fell apart. It was her twelfth birthday, and she was celebrating with her school friends. They were gathered around a table in the big yard of their beautiful house in the suburbs of Portland. Her mother held out a cake for her, and she was blowing out the candles while her father and her friends clapped and cheered. It was such a happy scene; the epitome of the American dream, but beneath it all, everything was rotten to the core.