“Then don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.”
“Son of a … .” Jake made a growling sound that I recognized from our youth. It never failed to bring a smile to my face. Instinctively I reached out and gave him a quick hug, taking both of us by surprise. “What was that for?” Jake’s expression was hard to read.
“I missed you.” I found that to be true. “I had a horrible time camping, just for the record. I dreamed of crime – which naturally made me think of you – the entire time I was gone.”
“Is there a specific reason Eliot didn’t bury you in the woods up there? That would’ve been out of my jurisdiction. Even if he called the police after killing you because of all of the complaining, I would’ve stood as a character witness for him. He could’ve gotten away with it.”
“Oh, you’re so funny.” I poked Jake’s side. He wasn’t really angry – with me, at least. I knew him well enough to gauge that. He was worried Tad had a legitimate grievance and he might have to arrest me. It wouldn’t be the first time. For some reason, I think it was harder on him than me. “Did you miss me?”
“Not really,” Jake replied, not missing a beat. “It was a quiet week. Kind of like a vacation.”
That was mildly hurtful. “So … you didn’t miss me at all?”
Jake’s lips twitched. “Maybe a little.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“This is so touching,” Tad spat, moving to a sitting position on the sidewalk as he slowly recovered. “If you’ve finished mooning over one another – how does that bulked-up side of beef you sleep with feel about that, by the way, Avery? – I want her arrested.”
Jake turned his attention to Tad, anger flashing in the depths of his brown eyes. He hates Tad as much as I do – maybe even more – and the idea of arresting me because Tad ordered him to was beyond odious. “I didn’t see what happened. Can you fill in the blanks for me?”
I knew that was a lie. I may not have seen Jake approaching, but there was nowhere to hide and I was out in the open. There’s no way he missed me dropping Tad with a well-placed nut-buster.
“She kicked me for no reason,” Tad sputtered.
Jake leveled his gaze on me. “Is that true?”
“No.”
“She’s lying!” Tad was beside himself.
“I had a reason for doing it,” I offered. “He was coming at me with intent to do great bodily harm.”
“Uh-huh.” Jake rubbed the back of his neck. “Why was he trying to hurt you?”
“I have no idea.” Now it was my turn to lie. “I was being a witty conversationalist – as always – and he just snapped. I think he might be mentally defective. You should consider involuntary commitment, He’s clearly a danger to society.”
“She’s so full of crap,” Tad snapped. “I wasn’t doing anything but walking by and she kicked me. I didn’t say a word to her. I was trying to ignore her, in fact. I think that’s what made her go all … crazy bitch.”
“Who are you kidding?” Jake challenged. “We both know you didn’t walk by her without saying a word. That’s not in your nature.”
“I should’ve known you’d take her side,” Tad grumbled. “You always take her side. I’m the wronged party here. Me!” He thumped his chest for emphasis. “She’s an evil woman, and you’re going to let her do whatever she wants because you’re still hot for her.”
Jake rolled his eyes as he ignored the dig. “What did you say to make him lose his cool?”
I averted my gaze. “I forget.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” Jake muttered, shaking his head as he focused on the uncomfortable looking bystander. For his part, the carnival guy appeared as if the last place he wanted to be was near law enforcement. You had to respect that in a man. I often feel the same way. “Who are you?”
“Me? No one.” The man shook his head, his long dark hair brushing his shoulders.
“He’s one of the carnival workers,” I supplied, smirking when the man shot me a dark look. “He was at the carnival in Port Hope when Eliot and I visited last week. He remembered me and stopped to chat when he saw me sitting on the bench.”
“Why?”
I held my hands palms up. “You’ll have to ask him. I think he stopped because he’s still in awe of my dart-throwing abilities.”
“Yes, you’re an athletic wonder,” Jake deadpanned, furrowing his brow as he locked gazes with the carnie. “What’s your name?”
The man shifted from one foot to the other, clearly reluctant to answer. “Jess Davenport,” he gritted out finally.
“Well, Jess Davenport, what did you see when Mr. Ludington approached Ms. Shaw?”
For one brief moment I thought he might lie to get me back. Instead, Davenport heaved a sigh and dragged a hand through his hair. “It pretty much happened how she said,” he replied. “I was talking to her while she sat on the bench. I was not in awe of her dart-throwing abilities, for the record. Her mouth is another story.”
“Join the club,” Jake said dryly. “What happened?”
“I didn’t realize there was going to be an issue,” Davenport answered. “If I did, I would’ve left. I’m not into saving damsels in distress and that … jerk … got what was coming to him.” He extended a finger in Tad’s direction and earned a glare for his efforts.
“She immediately started mouthing off to him,” he continued, inclining his chin in my direction. “It took me a second realize she was purposely baiting him. He said something back. Then she mentioned that she heard he couldn’t satisfy a woman and suggested he get a video to teach him how.”
Despite the serious nature of the situation, Jake looked amused. “That sounds about right,” he said. “What happened next?”
“He lunged at her … fast. I probably would’ve stepped in, because he clearly meant to hurt her, but she was faster. She just lifted her foot and … pow.” Davenport mimicked a kicking motion. “Then he fell to the ground whining like a baby and she just kind of sat there, all proud of herself.”
“Yes, well, that seems par for the course,” Jake said, shaking his head.
“This is not my fault,” I pressed. “You heard him. I was minding my own business.”
“That’s not what he said,” Jake challenged. “He said that you mouthed off – like you always do – and Tad retaliated – like he always does – and one of you ended up on the ground.”
“Like he always does,” I added, pressing my lips together to keep from laughing when Jake scorched me with a dark look. “I was protecting myself. You can’t seriously be considering blaming this on me.”
“The problem is, you don’t think you’re culpable for any of this,” Jake shot back. “You never think you’re to blame, even though your mouth has no filter and your brain doesn’t have a shut-off valve.”
“Why would my brain need a shut-off valve? Then I would simply be depriving the world of my genius.”
“Right.” Jake exhaled heavily and tapped his foot on the ground. “Okay, here’s what’s going to happen … and I don’t want to hear arguments from either of you. Tad, you’re going back to whatever it was you were doing and you’re going to stay away from Avery. Everyone knows she drives you crazy. She enjoys it. You give her power when you melt down like this.”
Tad’s mouth dropped open. “So she’s going to get away with this?”
Jake didn’t answer, instead turning his attention to Davenport. “You can go as well. I recommend staying away from both of these individuals. They can be toxic when they want to be.”
“See if I invite you to swim at the new house,” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I didn’t want to be involved in the first place,” Davenport supplied. “Trust me. When I saw her I wanted to run the other way. She’s a … terrifying woman.”
“Worse than that, she’s a menace,” Jake corrected. “She can’t help herself, so you’re better off keeping your distance.”
“That won’
t be a problem.”
“Then go.”
I watched Davenport trudge off in the direction of the carnival, shooting him the finger when he glanced over his shoulder and graced me with a condescending smile. I was nowhere near done with him, but I couldn’t admit that in front of Jake. Once the carnival game guru disappeared around I corner, I turned my full attention to the sheriff. “What about me?”
“You and I are going for a walk,” Jake answered, snagging my elbow and putting himself between Tad and me as he nudged me away from the glaring man on the pavement. “You might want to put some ice on your gonads there, Tad. They’re liable to be swollen and painful. Avery packs quite a wallop when she wants to hurt someone.”
“This isn’t over,” Tad called to our backs.
“I’m sure it’s not,” Jake agreed, nodding. “It’s over for now, though.”
I waited until we were a good fifty feet away before speaking. “You used the word ‘gonads.’”
Jake made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. “How did I know you would focus on that?”
“You know me well.”
“Too well.” Jake’s gaze was appraising as he loosened his grip on my arm. “How was your camping trip really? I see you’re still alive.”
I arched an eyebrow, surprised. “That’s it? You’re not going to yell at me?”
“You are who you are,” Jake replied. “You always mouth off to Tad. You can’t stop yourself. Your head would implode if you tried. No matter what you said to him that doesn’t excuse him going after you.”
“So why didn’t you arrest him?”
“Because I’m afraid that your carnie friend wouldn’t make a great witness on the stand.”
Oh, well, he had a point. “Yeah, he doesn’t like me. I don’t know why. I’m a gracious winner.”
Jake snorted, amused. “You’re a terrible winner and an even worse loser. There’s a reason we stopped playing games when we were dating. You were unbearable for three straight days when you couldn’t throw a Yahtzee.”
“Eliot bought me Jaws Yahtzee for the new house,” I mused. “He hasn’t played it with me yet. He wants to wait until we’re settled. Won’t that be a surprise?”
Jake choked out a laugh as he rubbed his cheek. “You’re going to kill that poor man before it’s all said and done. You know that, right?”
“I think he’ll survive. He might even like it.”
“I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. Seriously, though, how was your camping trip? I was somewhat worried Eliot would abandon you in the woods and head home early.”
“He had a good time,” I replied. “It’s not really my thing, but I tried to keep myself from ruining his vacation.”
“How did that go?”
“Meh. I managed to accomplish my goal about fifty percent of the time.”
Jake grinned. “I guess no one can ask for more than that.”
We turned down Main Street, the road that led past the courthouse, and that’s when I realized he was leading me toward Eliot’s pawnshop. “Hey, wait a second … .”
“No waiting.” Jake grabbed my elbow in case I tried to escape. “I didn’t say you were getting away without punishment. In this instance Eliot simply gets to dole it out.”
“That’s not fair,” I complained. “I protected myself. I shouldn’t get in trouble for that.”
“You baited him,” Jake challenged. “You can’t always do whatever you want without consequences.”
I didn’t believe that for a second. “But … he could’ve hurt me.”
“Which is why you haven’t been arrested,” Jake said, pulling open the pawnshop door and ushering me in. “Let’s get this over with.”
“I hate you,” I muttered, scuffing my sandals against the floor as I strode in ahead of Jake.
Eliot stood behind the counter studying a watch. When he briefly turned away from the customer in front of him and focused on us, I didn’t miss the exasperated look on his face. “I’ll be with you in a second.”
“Take your time,” I offered, giggling when Jake shook his head.
It took Eliot about five minutes to finish with his customer, and once the store was empty, he heaved a sigh and locked gazes with Jake. “Do I even want to know?”
“Probably not,” Jake replied, tugging me forward. “I told her that you could decide on her punishment, though. I’m a little worried you’ll go in a kinky direction, but I don’t have time to deal with her. I have a full schedule, thanks to the festival.”
“Okay, what did she do?”
“See, I don’t like this conversation already,” I warned. “You’re acting as if I’m guilty, but I haven’t been judged by a jury of my peers.”
“I’m the only peer you have to worry about at this time,” Eliot intoned. “What did you do?”
“Have I mentioned how much I love you?”
“Oh, I’m going to hate this.” Eliot rubbed the tender spot between his eyebrows. “Lay it on me.”
“I feel I’m being harshly maligned.”
Eliot shook his head and focused on Jake. “You tell me.”
“He doesn’t know the proper way to tell the story,” I complained. “It’s really long.”
“She got into it with Ludington,” Jake supplied. “She said some mean things to him, then suggested he get a sex video if he wanted to hold onto a woman. He lunged at her, and she kicked him in the nuts. That’s the gist of it.”
“Apparently it’s not that long of a story,” I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’m pretty sure I’m being persecuted.”
Eliot’s face was unreadable as he stared at me, causing me to shift from one foot to the other. Finally he spoke. “Okay. Who wants lunch?”
I was understandably flabbergasted. “That’s it?”
“You’re alive, and I’m starving,” Eliot said, closing his ledger. “I thought we could tell Jake all about our camping trip over lunch.”
And just like that I was out of the proverbial doghouse.
“Ha, ha.” I smirked as Jake rolled his eyes. “He’s going to punish me with chili fries. I bet you didn’t see that coming.”
Jake groaned in defeat. “You are an absolute delight.”
“And don’t you forget it.”
11
Eleven
“So, tell me about your camping trip.”
Jake waited until we were settled in a booth at the restaurant, orders placed, to probe further into my week-long nightmare.
Eliot cocked an eyebrow as he slid his arm over the back of the booth, his fingers resting lightly on my shoulder. “Didn’t Avery tell you?”
“She wasn’t very … forthcoming.”
Eliot smirked. “I don’t think she had a very good time.”
“That’s not true,” I protested. I had a terrible time, but I faked having a good time. That should count for something. “I thought it was a great vacation.”
“Yes, you made that abundantly clear when you made up the French beetle death virus that would ultimately claim your life and leave me a mourning shell of a man.”
Jake widened his eyes. “Do I even want to know?”
“No,” I automatically answered.
“Avery hates bugs. She thought she was going to be swarmed by lady bugs or something,” Eliot supplied. “She told me they were really French fire-breathing beetles of some sort and they would infect her with a fatal disease.
“She then proceeded to launch into a very long description of how I would sit by her bedside, prostrate with grief, until she passed,” he continued. “Then, apparently, I’d spend a year wallowing in despair before grief forced me to follow her to the other side.”
Jake barked out a laugh, amused. “Sounds exactly like her. I’m sorry to hear neither of you will be with us much longer. I’ll especially miss you, Eliot. The good news is that I can spend the year after her death using you as a wingman while I patrol area clubs for a new girlfriend. I’m thinking young,
dumb and prone to wearing tassels on her boobs.”
Eliot’s shoulders shook with laughter as I scowled.
“It will be an empty life, but I’m sure I’ll muddle through,” Eliot said. “You’ll have to dry my tears each night. You know that, right?”
“You’ll only think they’re tears. In reality it will be stripper sweat.”
“Ha, ha,” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest as I inched away from Eliot. “Go ahead and laugh. You’d both be wrecked by my death.”
Eliot ran his hand down the back of my head. “I would, although I’m sure the strippers would be of some comfort.”
“Keep it up. I don’t care what you say. I’m never wearing tassels on my boobs.”
“Hey, I dressed like Princess Leia,” Eliot warned, extending a finger. “There will be tassels at some point.”
“Did you do man buns on either side of your head?” Jake looked legitimately horrified.
“Sadly, yes.” Eliot didn’t appear embarrassed to own up to the fantasy. “The most interesting part was that she insisted on being Han Solo with a lightsaber. That meant that she had to dress in the Hoth gear – you know, because she had to be true to the story and Han Solo only used a lightsaber in the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back.”
Jake bobbed his head. “Of course. Sounds exactly like her.”
“It was a really odd night,” Eliot supplied. “Eventually I got bored trying to get through the layers because she insisted on authentic clothing. So I watched SportsCenter instead.”
“What did she do?”
“Oddly enough, she entertained herself with the lightsaber for hours.”
Hey, wait a second. That sounded mildly pornographic. “Not that way,” I stressed, shooting Eliot a warning look. “Don’t put ideas like that in his head!”
“I pictured you dancing around the room while pretending to behead the bad guys,” Jake offered, his grin widening. “There was probably some sort of victory dance as well.”
“That’s what I did.”
Jake shook his head as he leaned back in his seat. “So, other than the beetles almost killing her, what else did you do?”
Off the Record (An Avery Shaw Mystery Book 10) Page 10