by L. C. Davis
I wanted to argue against the change in guard, but if even Victor thought I really was going to go after Prentice, maybe I was better off staying with the strongest wolf in the pack. “When will that be?” I asked hopefully.
“Put him on with me,” ordered Victor. Brendan switched off the speakerphone and held the phone up to my ear. “Hard to say, love. I have to give Ulric the rundown but I'll leave immediately, so if all goes well I should be back by midnight.”
My heart skipped excitedly. “Yeah? That's good.”
“How are you feeling?”
It took me a moment to realize that he was asking about what had happened with Maverick. I moved on so quickly these days, but he didn't need to know that. “I'm fine.”
“I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him. Rest assured, he'll be dealt with when I get back.”
“It's fine, really,” I said, glancing at Sebastian who I knew could hear every word Victor was saying regardless of how cryptic I was. “I just want you home safe.”
“As much as this pains me to say, listen to Sebastian until I get back,” he muttered. “He's an asshole, but he won't let any physical harm come to you.”
I wasn't so sure about that, but I replied, “Yeah.”
He hesitated. “Is it true that you were trying to get Sebastian to kill you?”
“It was a moment of weakness,” I said quickly. “I was confused, I didn't really know what I was saying.”
He sighed. “We're talking about this when I get home.”
“Just make it soon,” I said softly. “I miss you.”
Brendan made a gagging sound and rolled his eyes.
“I will,” he promised. “I love you, pup.”
I felt Sebastian's eyes focused intently on me and hesitated. “You, too. Bye.”
“Bye.” The line beeped and Brendan took his phone, pulling me up with him.
“'You too?'” he taunted. “Look who's a poet now.”
Sebastian gave us both a confused look. “Huh?”
“Nothing. Don't you have a nap to take, Brendan?”
He smirked. “Yeah, yeah. You sure you'll be okay, bloodsucker?”
“Positive.” I smiled at him. “Not that I won't miss you, but I'm sure Victor is still going to rope you into plenty of babysitting duty once he's back. You should get some rest.”
“Alright,” he said, ruffling my hair again before opening the door. “You know where to find me if he's too much of a pain in the ass.”
Sebastian glared at him and I stifled a laugh. “Bye, Brendan.”
“Oh, almost forgot,” he said, unclipping the chain from his belt and handing it to Sebastian with a wink before he left. “He's all yours, big guy.”
The door fell shut and I found myself regretting my decision to agree so quickly to the straitjacket now that Sebastian was the one literally holding the reigns. An evening was a long time in the hands of someone who had nearly driven you insane in a matter of minutes.
5
The day passed in a relatively uneventful manner. I had never actually seen what Sebastian did for work, but now that I was tethered to him I learned that it involved a lot of running around, yelling at other people to do their jobs and addressing surprisingly trivial concerns around the Lodge. He also had to break up two different fights in the process, one between Jason and Clarence and the other between two club members who couldn't decide on a compromise when it came to taking turns with the shibari crane hanging from the basement ceiling.
To my relief, no one seemed to think anything of the fact that I was chained to Sebastian. No matter how long I lived there or how attached I was growing to my bi-weekly sessions with Victor, there were some things about life at the Lodge that I was just never going to get used to.
“Alright,” Sebastian said, looking as tired as he sounded once his shift was over. “Time to eat. I'm starving, are you?”
I had been starving ever since my insufficient feeding session with Maverick, but I didn't think there was anything in the break room refrigerator that would satisfy that kind of hunger. “Not really, but don't you have to work the front door?” I asked. It was Friday night and he was always to be found at his post.
“Clarence is taking over for me,” he said, pushing open the break room door. “Can't risk having you outside again.”
I nodded, relieved he was finally taking it seriously. “That's probably for the best.”
He rummaged through the refrigerator, pulling out a box of leftover pizza. He zapped a towering plate full of pizza slices and sat down on the couch. I followed, sitting as far away as the leash would allow.
“You sure you don't want any?” he asked before starting in on his first slice. It was gone in a matter of seconds.
“Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks.” I looked around the room I was getting to know well after shadowing Brendan for so long.
“Haven't seen you eat anything all day. You can still eat, right?”
“I can, I just don't need to as often,” I admitted. “Same with sleep.”
“At least you can sleep, I guess,” he said, deep in thought. “Full-blooded vampires can't sleep at all.”
“They can sure get knocked out,” I murmured, remembering what had happened when Victor staked Sarah in the head.
“I usually don't wait to find out,” he said. “Sorry.”
“I just became a vampire a few months ago, Sebastian. Not long before that I didn't even know they existed,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “The only ones I've met in person tried to use me as a pawn in their freaky werewolf sacrifice. I'm not exactly full of warm fuzzy feelings of allegiance to the species.”
“I guess not,” he muttered. “I just don't get why you killed off your werewolf half.”
“I didn't kill it,” I said hesitantly. “I suppressed it, and that was an accident. I was just trying to block out the emotions that were keeping me from killing Jeff's parents and saving Victor. It just so happened that those emotions belonged to my werewolf side.”
“Oh,” he said slowly. “What about now? Would killing them be any easier?”
It took a moment to consider my answer. “I think it would be,” I finally admitted. “At least when it comes to them.”
He had stopped eating and turned away. “What you said earlier, about that Clive attacking you. Was that true?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“I didn't before,” he said somberly. “But I'll believe you now. Not that that should mean anything to you.”
“Not really,” I admitted. The old me would have tried to tiptoe around his feelings, but while I had no active desire to hurt him, I didn't really care if it happened as a side effect of being honest. “I'll give you the abridged version, for what it's worth. I really was looking for someone to bite. I wasn't thinking through whether I would kill them or not, I was just desperate. The thirst was clouding everything else. He showed up and at first he was really sweet. So sweet I changed my mind once I realized what I was doing and tried to run to the woods to find you guys.”
With a sigh, I struggled to adjust myself on the couch and propped my back against the arm rest so I was facing him. “He followed me and he became a completely different person. He just snapped when I turned him down and wouldn't let me get away. When he tried to force himself on me, I snapped and you're familiar with what happened from there.”
He listened silently, his hands clasped as he leaned on his knees, staring at the floor. His hair was covering his eyes, making it impossible to gauge his reaction.
“I'm sorry,” he said after what seemed like an eternity. “I should have known you wouldn't kill someone in cold blood. Not even as a vampire.”
“That's not true,” I said quickly. “I probably would have. I wasn't directly planning on killing anyone, but I was still hunting. Just because my prey turned out to be another predator doesn't change that.”
“No, but it makes me a hypocrite,” he said gruffly. “I didn't believe you, and I blame
d you for doing something I would have done myself. I haven't handled any of this like a halfway decent mate.”
I shrugged as best as I could in the snug fitting Jacket. Brendan wasn't wrong about its strangely calming effect. “We're not mates, though. Not really. You said it yourself, the mark is gone and I haven't felt any tie to you since my wolf side got suppressed. I'm also notably alive even though I never transformed, or at least whatever the vampire version of alive is. Whatever there was between us, it obviously wasn't a real bond.”
He winced. “You don't pull any punches anymore, do you?”
“Not without a reason,” I admitted.
“I can't just accept that,” he said quietly. “Maybe I'm just delusional but I've been trying to convince myself that the bond is broken this entire time and I just can't. I tell myself you're a different person. I see you with him, I remind myself of what you are, but there's still this voice in the back of my head that tells me you're still mine.”
“Not me,” I corrected him. “Maybe the old me was yours, but he's gone.”
“I tried to tell myself that too,” he said earnestly, turning to face me. “But it's not. I saw you, that you, when I came to deliver Clara's message. It was just a glimpse of the person I knew, but I know he's still in there.”
I gave him a pitying half-smile. “You're trying so hard, but you just don't get it. I can't feel anything for you, even if I wanted to. I don't feel anything meaningful for anyone except Victor.”
“Maybe not now, not like this,” he agreed. “But if we found a way to get your other half back --”
“No. You really don't understand. He's gone for a reason. I've—we've done things that can't ever be undone,” I said slowly. “He can't live this way. I'm not even sure I can, but I'm going to try for your brother's sake.”
“You killed an attempted rapist and made the choice to save Victor over your abusive vampire boyfriend's parents,” he said emphatically. “You haven't done anything unforgivable. I mean, you're taking blood from donors for goddess' sake.”
“For now. It's only a matter of time before I feel the urge that led me to hunt at the rest stop,” I said. “And it's all I could do to resist ripping out Prentice's throat.”
“That's just it. I've killed hundreds of vampires in my life and I've never heard of a single one of them that was strong enough to resist a hunter's blood,” he said. “They're walking traps set to ensnare every vampire they meet and it works one-hundred percent of the time, until now.”
“That's only because you and Brendan were there, Sebastian. Honestly, the morality is just part of it. I could be a saint among vampires and a vampire is still all you'd see when you looked at me. Even if the old me could somehow forget everything else, he could never live with the look in your eyes when you first realized what I was.”
Hurt flooded his eyes and he looked at the floor again. “I know I fucked up, there's no denying that. I'm not expecting you to come running back into my arms or anything, but I still can't give up hope that one day you—that he'll come back to me.” He looked up at me, pleading. “Can I ask one more question?
I nodded.
“Is there any part of you that still loves me?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Love isn't an emotion, so yeah, I think I'll always love you as Victor's brother and the man I once thought of as my best friend. As for anything else, no. That's gone.”
He clenched his jaw. “And if things had gone the way they should have, if you'd stayed a werewolf? Would you still be with me, or with him?”
“That's just it, Sebastian.” I sighed. “You want proof that we're not soulmates? You only loved part of me. Victor accepts everything. I'm not the person he fell in love with when we were kids either, but it doesn't matter because neither is he.”
“But I am,” he said darkly. “I haven't changed.”
I said nothing, but I could tell he took my silence as affirmation.
“Well,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Thanks for being honest, I guess. I can't say I'm happy for the both of you, not this soon and maybe never, but I can at least say I'm glad you found someone who can take care of you better than I did.”
“It's not about that, Sebastian,” I said as gently as possible.
“At least tell me this. Did you have feelings for him before you suppressed your other half?”
“Yes.” The truth came out easier than it should have.
He didn't seem surprised. “Just one more question. If you had to choose back then, who would it have been? Me or him?”
“Sebastian --”
“I'm not gonna rub the answer in his face or throw a fit either way. I just need to know for my own sanity.”
“You,” I admitted grudgingly. “I would have chosen you in a heartbeat, but my mind wasn't intact then. I didn't remember the visions from when we were younger,” I reminded him.
He was doing a bad job at hiding a satisfied smile. “That's all I wanted to know.”
Just as I was about to comment on his imagined triumph, Foster flung the door open. He looked between Sebastian and I with huge eyes that lingered on my jacket. “Guys, Victor is back with a wolf from the other pack! They're in Ulric's study.”
I struggled to get to my feet before Sebastian pulled me up. “Come on,” he said, pushing me towards the door.
“Whoa, I can't go out like this if there's a guest,” I protested.
“We're in a dungeon,” he reminded me, following Foster. The youngest wolf was never unkind to me, but he had kept a safe distance ever since I'd come to live at the Lodge and he was casting nervous glances behind him as he went.
With little choice since I was chained to him, I followed Sebastian up the stairs towards Ulric's study. Nothing good had ever happened in there, so I didn't have high hopes for this visit. At least I would be reuniting with Victor. Ever since talking to him on the phone, I couldn't purge thoughts of hunters stopping him on his way home from my tired brain.
“Any idea who this wolf is?” I asked once we came to the top of the stairs.
“Not a clue,” said Sebastian. “Berserkers aren't exactly welcome in other packs. Victor is a closeted one, so he's allowed to be our ambassador. Don't mention anything about it in front of the other wolf.”
“I won't,” I said, letting that information sink in. So Sebastian was an outsider among his own kind, too.
He pushed the door open and the awkwardness seeped in immediately. It wasn't just Victor and the newcomer, Foster had already made it inside and Clara was standing near him. Whatever conversation they were having ceased and shame about my current wardrobe kept me from running into Victor's arms like I wanted to. Especially since I was still attached to Sebastian.
I only realized I had expectations as to what the newcomer would look like when he defied all of them. He was the smallest werewolf I had seen thus far, although he was only a bit shorter than Foster. His skinny build only accentuated the ghostly look he seemed to be going for with bleached white hair and grungy clothing. His band shirt was full of almost as many rips and holes as the legs of his jeans. His facial features were soft and almost cherubic, but the look of smoldering determination in his blue-black eyes made me rethink my initial assessment of his age. Those eyes had seen a hell of a lot more than the sixteen or seventeen years his appearance would suggest.
Of course, he had just lost his pack and who knew how many family members, but it wasn't just sadness that caught my attention. There was something dark lurking in him. At that moment, despite his smaller stature, he was the last person in that room I would have wanted to tangle with.
“Hunter, this is my mate, Remus,” said Victor, eying my outfit curiously as he walked over to put an arm around me. I tried not to flinch at his use of the m-word around Sebastian and reminded myself I'd have to get over it. “Remus, Hunter is currently the second-highest ranking member of the pack in Northern Washington.”
His wording made me wonder how many wolves had b
een killed before that title fell to him. “It's nice to meet you, Hunter. I wish it were under different circumstances,” I said carefully. I'd never been good with this kind of thing, but especially not now that I was lacking in empathy. “I would shake your hand, but um --”
“Yeah, I noticed,” he said, arching an eyebrow. “So is that a dungeon thing or a vampire thing?”
“Vampire thing,” I admitted sheepishly. “Just a precaution.”
Victor cleared his throat. “Yes, well, I'm back so I don't think that's going to be necessary.” He unclipped Sebastian's lead and made quick work of the restraints, tugging the jacket off moments later with a pointed look at Sebastian.
“Brendan's idea,” Sebastian said, eying the newcomer doubtfully.
“Let's all have a seat,” said Victor, draping his jacket over my sleeveless shoulders as everyone took seats around Ulric's massive coffee table. Hunter looked like he would have preferred to stand, but he took a chair in view of the door. Clara, Foster and Sebastian took the long couch while Victor and I took the chaise.
“I'm sorry to hear about your pack and all, but why are you here?” Sebastian asked as soon as he had settled in. If I didn't understand why he wasn't our ambassador before, I did now.
Fortunately, Hunter didn't seem to take offense. It was hard to tell since his expression so rarely changed. Maybe that was why he looked so young. He seemed about to answer when Victor cut in.
“He's here because I asked him to come. He's the only one who was present during the attack that survived and he earned his name by being as good at tracking as they are,” said Victor. “He has even more reason to find the ones responsible for this than we do.”
Earned his name?
Hunter remained quiet the entire time Victor was speaking, looking down at something on the floor. “So your name wasn't originally Hunter?” I asked, since everyone else seemed to be speaking around him.
He looked up at me and seemed startled by the question. “No.” No follow up, either.