by L. C. Davis
“We don't. Not with half of his true nature repressed,” she said, looking back at me. “Your mind is fragmented, and I'm largely to blame for that. It kept you safe when you were little, but now your power has outgrown your consciousness. You're not operating as one creature but as two separate souls. In order for us to sort through any of this, you have to actually become the hybrid. Both sides—both souls—must be united as one.”
“You're saying he has to become a werewolf?” Victor asked before I could protest.
“Yes,” said Sarah. “It's the only way he'll be able to manifest the kind of power we need to stop the hunters. It's also the only way to know which one of you is bonded to him as a hybrid, not just as a vampire or a werewolf.”
“The hell does that mean?” asked Sebastian.
“We would need my brother's gift to know for sure,” said Sarah. “But I have a strong feeling that you're bonded to his wolf while Victor is bonded to his vampire soul.”
“So what, I have spiritual multiple personality disorder?” I asked.
“Pretty much,” she said, smiling apologetically. “No worries. We'll be able to put the pieces back together come the next harvest moon. Assuming the hunters haven't killed us all by then, that is.”
“And in the meantime?” asked Clara, watching me with a pitying gaze.
“In the meantime, I can help him remove the block keeping his wolf side at bay,” said Clara.
“Won't that kill him?” asked Victor. “He didn't transform when he was supposed to.”
“He blocked that side out before the moon reached its pinnacle,” she said. “The wall he put up has kept his wolf in stasis, so it should be reset for the next harvest moon. Everything goes in cycles, from the phases of the moon to the year and even our lifetimes.”
“That's beautiful, Sarah,” Clara said, her eyes glimmering with infatuation.
Ugh.
“It's too much of a risk,” Sebastian said, grimacing at his own admission. If anyone had reason to unleash the wolf, it was him. “We can't risk his life just to find out which one of us he likes better.”
“Agreed,” said Victor. It was the first time I'd heard them agree on anything since I had met them.
“If he starts showing signs of deterioration, I'll put the wall back up myself,” said Sarah. “No harm done. I understand that I've given you all reason to doubt my priorities as a mother, but as a vampire leader I need the hybrid alive every bit as much as you do. Do you really think I'm going to let anything happen to our only chance at stopping the hunters?”
Victor hesitated. “No. I really don't.”
Sebastian looked at me, his gaze searching. “What'll happen if his wolf side comes back?”
“The traits that belonged to that side would resurface, for starters,” she replied.
“You mean like his emotions?”
“Contrary to popular belief, vampires do have emotions,” she said wryly. “They're just muted most of the time, but yes, he would have the full emotional range that was present when his wolf side was dominant. His feelings for you would return as well –that is, if they were genuine to begin with.”
Sebastian groaned, pacing to the other side of the room. As I watched him, I could feel that familiar clawing at the door of my mind. I clenched my fists in my lap and dug my nails into my palms, hoping the pain would clear my mind enough to remember why I couldn't go soothe him in his obvious distress.
“I can't let you do that,” he said in resignation. He'd clearly won—or lost, depending on how you looked at it—whatever battle had been raging in his head.
“Why not?” Victor asked, putting a voice to my confusion. Of course I was terrified at the prospect of unearthing those things I had fought for so long to keep buried, but if Sarah was right then the stakes were too high to do anything else.
“It's too fucking risky,” Sebastian barked. “His brain's already been dissected and put back together enough times. It's only a matter of time before it cracks.”
“You of all people should want this,” Victor said in disbelief. “It's the only way to find out which one of us he belongs to.”
“It doesn't matter who he belongs to if he's dead!” Sebastian snapped. “I thought she could just help him bring his wolf back gradually.”
Afraid he'd divulge the contents of our most recent conversation, I stepped forward and touched his forearm. “Sebastian, that's enough. This isn't about us. If Sarah is right and I can stop the hunters, we have to try.”
His brow knit in confusion. “But last night you said --”
“Last night was a wake-up call for everyone,” I interrupted before he could say anything more. “Whatever is going on with the marks, there are forces at play here that are bigger than all of us. We need all the weapons we can get at our disposal.”
“Let's not forget the fact that I can't appoint an alpha without knowing which one of you is his mate,” said Ulric.
Sarah rolled her eyes. “A true romantic, as always. The old man does have a point, though. There's an awful lot riding on very little risk here.”
“I'll do it,” I said, looking directly at Sarah.
She smiled. “I knew you would. You know, I would have guessed all the self-sacrificing was a werewolf trait but you never cease to surprise me.”
“Just tell me what I have to do,” I said, tired of her empty praise.
“You can't be serious,” Sebastian growled. “First you're all pissed at me for bringing her into the Lodge, now you wanna give her free reign in his head?”
Sarah ignored Sebastian and glanced at Ulric, who nodded as he fumbled with something in the drawer underneath his desk. She turned back to me. “First things first, I need you to lie down.”
Clara stood, leaving the couch vacant. I hesitated a moment before I sat down. Victor and Sebastian both moved beside me and for a moment it looked like there was going to be a war over who got to put the throw pillow behind my head. Victor won. I laid back and tried not to squirm from the awkwardness of lying down in pajamas while everyone around me was fully dressed and standing.
“You don't have to do this,” Sebastian said intently.
“I know,” I told him, forcing a smile for his sake. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as either of us thought. “I'll be okay.”
Sarah knelt on the floor in front of me and positioned her hands on either side of my head. “Wait,” I said, sitting up a little. “I thought you couldn't use your powers.”
“I can't,” she said, smiling a little. “Which is why you're going to do what I did for Sebastian and open your mind. Once I'm inside, I'll guide you through the process of taking down the wall. This time it has to be you since you're the one who built it.”
“I'll be watching the entire time,” said Victor. “If there's any sign of trouble, I'll kick her out.”
A metallic click sounded from across the room and we all turned to face Ulric, who had an antique revolver trained on Sarah. “As will I. I know a silver bullet won't kill you, Sarah, but I also know that a head wound is enough to stop you in your tracks, so no games, hm?”
“Ulric,” I breathed.
Sarah held up her hands, smirking. “You know, when you go all cowboy like this it reminds me of why Remus exists in the first place.”
He rolled his eyes but kept the revolver aimed at her. “Just get on with it, woman.”
I nodded and lay back down. “Yes, please, let's get this over with.”
Sarah's hands pressed lightly against my temples. “Alright, now close your eyes and focus on the sound of my voice. Try to relax as much as you can.”
I did as she said but felt no psychic pull or entrancement. Relaxing was easier said than done under the circumstances, but I did my best. “Good,” she coaxed. “Now focus on breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth. Slower and slower each time.”
At first, it seemed to have no effect. Eventually, the sound of my own breathing became a trance of its own. I heard Sarah talk
ing in a calm tone to the others in the room. Something about remaining quiet and broken links. It didn't seem important anymore.
“Alright, Remus. Without opening your eyes, tell me what you see.” Her voice was clear and strangely comforting.
My eyes went to open automatically, but something held them shut. My brow furrowed a little as I tried to see through the nothingness behind my eyelids. The blackness began to fade into a soft blue haze and I could barely make out the shape of something behind the fog. “Everything is blue,” I said, looking harder. “There's a shape up ahead, something tall. It's dark and it looks like—a door?”
“Good,” she said. “You're at the entrance to your mind. I need you to walk forward and open the door to let me in.”
I took a reluctant step forward, unsure of when I had stopped lying down and started standing. My steps were solid enough and the door grew clearer as I approached it. Finally I could make out the dark wooden panels and huge brass handles on the door. I grabbed them both and tugged until the door came open after considerable effort.
Sarah was on the other side, suspended in the fog. She smiled at me and I wondered if I was about to make a huge mistake as she hovered behind the threshold. “May I come in?”
After a moment's hesitation I stepped back and let her through. The doors slammed shut with no assistance from either of us. I tried not to read into it. “So, what now?” I asked.
“Now you show me the wall,” she said simply. “The mind is an endless space with an endless number of corridors. Without my powers, I have no chance of finding it anytime in the next decade unless you show me.”
“What makes you think I know where it is?” I asked taking a cautious step into the fog.
She laughed. “Ah, that's right. You know, I have my fair share of flaws, but the inability to know my own mind was never one of them. You, on the other hand. I can understand not being able to choose between the puppy-eyed bodybuilder and the brooding genius, but being this conflicted about your own nature?” She clicked her tongue. “Talk about internal conflict.”
“I'm not conflicted about being a monster, I'm just realistic,” I shot back. “And I did choose between them. I chose Victor.”
“If that were true, you wouldn't be sporting a matching set of marks,” she said, gesturing to my hands.
I raised my hands and, just like in the dream, both marks were bold and visible. I shoved them into the pockets of my robe and kept walking. “It's just some hybrid fluke, like you said.”
“It's true that the hybrid has two souls, according to the legend, but you wouldn't have two marks if you weren't in love with them both.”
Her words made me cringe and I stopped walking, turning to face her. “You were gone my entire life. Don't show up now and try to start shit with the only people who've actually been there for me.”
“I'm not,” she said so earnestly I almost believed her. “I'm a selfish bitch, I can admit that. Hell, I own it. But there isn't a person in this world who wants to see you happy more than I do, if only because it would justify the one truly selfless decision I ever made.”
“You mean abandoning me.”
“It kept you off their radar, didn't it?” She reached out to touch my cheek and I backed away.
“Maybe you did the best you thought you could,” I said, willing to grant her that after the vision she had shown me back in Austin. “That still doesn't mean I'm ready for mother-son bonding time. You made me kill Jeff's parents and you were going to make me kill the two people I love most.”
“Fair enough,” she said, pulling her hand away. “I know you don't want to hear this, but I was trying to make you stronger.”
“You did,” I admitted, walking forward again. “If you define strength as killing everything that made me human, I'm stronger than ever.”
“Remus, none of those things made you human,” she said, taking my arm. “You were never human, even if you passed for one. Once this wall is taken down, I can help you work through the conflict, to become the whole person you were meant to be.”
“And what if I don't like that person?” I asked, watching her. “What if the old me can't live with the person I've become, hm? What if Victor can't? Sebastian couldn't.”
“Victor loves you,” she said firmly. “If he's worth your love in return, he'll accept you as the hybrid just as he accepted you as a wolf and as a vampire. As for Sebastian, I may not be able to get inside of his head, but it's easy to see that you're not the only mindfuck he's been dealt. Besides,” she said with a sad smile, “Everybody deserves a second chance.”
“True,” I said, meeting her gaze, “but second chances have to be earned. Come on, it's up ahead.” The wall was coming into view since I had stopped actively trying to find it. It blocked the view of a forest that spanned as far as the eye could see and it looked like an island oasis in the fog. The fog itself seemed to be serving as some kind of perimeter to keep us out of the forest.
A low, rumbling growl split through the silence of the strange blue world within my mind. The sound of branches snapping put me on guard and I held out my arm to keep Sarah from moving forward.
“What is that?” she whispered.
“I don't know,” I admitted. We were at the base of the wall and I could see the ivy woven through it like needlepoint on stone. What had started out as a few cracks here and there was a full-on infestation.
Sarah stepped forward and ran her hands over the crumbling stone. “Incredible,” she murmured, stroking a particularly long vine. “Rudimentary and almost childish in construction, of course, but polish comes with skill. For a nascent psychic to be able to craft something of this magnitude with no training is just incredible.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I think.”
She laughed. “If this is what you're capable of with only your vampire side intact, maybe we do stand a chance against the hunters after all.”
“You think?” I asked hopefully.
“There's only one way to find out,” she said, taking a step back. “Ready to tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev?”
I took a deep breath. “I don't even know where to begin. I put it up with my mind, but now we're in my mind.”
“You're catching on,” she grinned. “Use your hands.”
I tilted my head and surveyed the massive hunk of stone, doubtful that my rather frail hands had what it took to tear a chunk of it down never mind all of it. Deciding to take a risk, I stepped forward and grabbed a curled length of ivy, yanking on it to no effect. I yanked harder and some stone pieces around the hole the ivy had eaten into the wall crumbled away.
Another growl came almost immediately in response. That time it was much closer and it shook the entire forest. I looked at Sarah and she nodded for me to keep going. The growls grew more frantic as I kept attacking the ivy. More chunks of the wall were falling to the ground and the fog that framed the forest was beginning to lift.
Huge claws scraped the other side of the wall, joining me in my effort to tear it down. It was becoming clear that the wall wasn't keeping anything out of the forest. It was keeping the beast inside.
A single claw poked through one of the holes in the stone. Two more broke through previously healthy sections of the wall and curled sharply before ripping apart one huge chunk of stone after another.
I leaped down just in time to avoid the wall as it crumbled completely. What had been an impenetrable mass of stone moments before was reduced to a pile of rubble and dust. In the cloud of dust, I could hear the beast snarling.
It stepped forward, all fangs and piercing green eyes. Fur the color of strawberries mixed with honey covered its lanky body as it stepped out of the rubble and shook off the dust. A single one of its claws was the size of my finger. Its eyes locked on me and I was frozen in fear. Not fear that the beast would attack me, but from another far more unsettling realization.
The eyes looking back at me were my own.
“Sarah?” I called, moving back slowl
y. I looked around and she was nowhere to be found. Of course.
“Don't run,” she said from some hidden sanctuary. “You have to stand and fight it.”
“In case you didn't notice, it's kind of heavy on claws and I'm kind of short on weapons,” I hissed.
“This isn't a physical battle,” she said.
“That's easy for you to say! It looks pretty damn physical to me.”
The beast stalked closer the entire time we talked, slinking forward at an almost tauntingly slow pace.
A deep breath did little to settle my nerves or fortify my resolve not to run. Even if I did go against Sarah's warning, there was nowhere to hide in the blank expanse. All I could do was stand there and resist the urge to break eye contact, even for a moment.
Its lips curled back into a snarl revealing fangs every bit as sharp as Victor's, though not quite as long. At least it was much smaller than his beastform or Sebastian's. Not that it was any less capable of tearing me apart. I struggled to recall the sturdy legs and steady heart that had aided me during my face-off with Victor.
That was different, though. I had gone into that fight willing—no, eager—to die if it meant freeing Victor from Sarah's control. This monster I had no clue how to best. I could try to fight with what little physical advantage I had gained as a vampire, but it was me. Surely it would anticipate my every move.
Sarah was right. Maybe there wasn't any way out, but I certainly wasn't going to win by physical means. There could be no mental victory either, considering the fact that the wolf and I were both equal products of my mind. If there was a true Remus that called all the shots, a master key so to speak, I wasn't it. I was just the vampire half and the creature before me was the wolf. We were on a completely equal playing field, except for the fact that the field happened to be in his backyard.
An idea began to form in my mind, as absurd as it was. Acting purely on impulse and adrenaline, I took a step towards the beast.
The creature's hackles raised and it stopped its tracks. I had no plan, no connection with the beast in front of me and no way of knowing how it would respond other than intuition.