by Lucy Dawson
So I begin my renewed attempt to get to my room. Walking up the stairs, my legs are starting to feel like lead. Oh why did I drink so much?
Back in dark, unfamiliar surroundings, I stagger over to the bed and collapse on to it as I try to take my shoes off. My limbs are suddenly incredibly heavy, it is an effort to lift them, and yet my stomach is churning ominously, aching to be rid of its contents. I’ve hit the tipping point and begin to wish I could go back in time and not have so much to drink. I roll my body sideways as my eyes close heavily, until I am in danger of being practically face down on the bed. Stupid, stupid cow. I’m going to feel like shit in the morning.
At first I think I’ve imagined the soft knock on the door, but through my haze, I hear it again and realise someone is on the other side, saying my name quietly.
With a superhuman effort I push myself up, force myself to my feet and stagger to the door, peering through the peephole.
It’s Leo.
‘I’m so sorry, I think you’ve still got my wallet,’ he explains, as I wrench the door open, ‘it’s not in my pocket, did you put it in your bag by mistake?’
‘Er … I don’t …’ I turn and look around wildly for my bag. It’s next to the chair. I cross the room. Sure enough, there his wallet is, sitting on top of all the other stuff in there.
I pull it out, confused, and turn back. He is suddenly somehow right next to me.
‘Thanks,’ he takes it from my hand. ‘Jesus – Molly! Are you OK?’ He sounds very far away. ‘Molly?’
‘I need to sit, I need to—’ I’ve stood up too quickly. Everything begins to slip sideways.
‘It’s OK,’ I hear him say, ‘I’ve got you; this way Molly.’
I take a step towards his voice. And then I simply feel myself falling.
When I open my eyes again I am lying on a bed, in a dark room, next to Dan. I instinctively move closer to him, reaching out with relief, but as I draw myself to his body sleepily, I suddenly freeze and pull back sharply. It doesn’t feel like Dan at all. I try to sit up and realise I am still dressed in my work clothes, they are all twisted and clammy, clinging to me. I stare at the body next to me. It moves, turns over, and in the dim light coming in under the door from the corridor, I realise it’s Leo. ‘Molly?’ he jolts awake, peering up at me. ‘Thank fuck – are you OK?’
Completely disorientated and scared, I look around the dark room. Where am I? I have no idea what time it is or how long I’ve been there.
‘I can’t …’ I try to make sense of it all but am having huge problems getting my words out. ‘What did I … ?’ I put my hand to my head in confusion as I look around and then for the second time in twenty-four hours I burst into sudden, confused tears.
Leo sits up quickly, pulling me into his arms. ‘Shhh!’ he says and begins to rock me. ‘Shhhh. Don’t cry! You’re OK.’
It is such a relief to have someone there, I cling to him and just sob.
He continues to hug me, his body warm from having just woken up. ‘It’s all right,’ he says letting me cry, kissing the top of my head briefly and rocking me gently again. ‘You’re going to be all right … There … that’s better,’ he says. ‘See? It’s all going to be fine. I promise.’ He tips my head up, gives me a reassuring smile and then he slowly leans forward and kisses me very lightly on the mouth.
Instantly, I have the strongest feeling of having done it before … but of course I have. Lots of times. He pulls back and looks at me again, searchingly. ‘How could I have been so stupid?’ he says in disbelief. I stare back at him, bewildered. He quickly bends and kisses me again, properly.
My brain isn’t working fast enough and at first I simply respond to the familiarity. But after what is probably only a few seconds, some dulled reactions somewhere finally kick in and I pull my head back away from him. I try to say ‘Don’t,’ but before I can, he kisses me for a second time. I attempt to speak again, but my mouth won’t work, like trying to run in a dream. I simply can’t get the words out. It is the weirdest sensation.
He does pull back, but so he can start to kiss my neck, and then slowly, he pushes me back on to the bed …
Chapter Ten
I wake up to the relentless ring of the hotel phone. Dull daylight is feeding in around the edges of the cheap hotel curtains and as I move my head on the pillow to work out where the noise is coming from, it feels like it is going to split in two.
‘Molly?’ The sound of Pearce’s voice carrying down the line makes me wince. ‘Are you coming down to breakfast? I wasn’t sure …’
‘Um,’ I try to think straight. ‘Are you already down there then?’
‘Already? We’re done pal! It’s a quarter to nine.’
What? I blink heavily. How …
‘Are you OK?’ Pearce says, and hesitates, lowering his voice. ‘I saw you going upstairs to bed. You looked – pretty wrecked.’
I have no memory of seeing him at all.
‘Oh dear,’ I say, trying to sound like it’s no big deal. ‘That’s embarrassing.’
‘I was going to come and help you, but … Anyway,’ he says quickly, trying to lighten the tone, ‘do I need to order you some strong coffee?’
‘Please,’ I reply gratefully. ‘I’ll be right down.’
As I put the phone down a rhythmic whirring begins somewhere on the other side of the room. It sounds as if it’s coming from my handbag. My mobile. I sit up a bit too quickly, get out of bed and wobble over to find it. It’s Dan.
‘Hello?’ I practically whisper, holding my splitting head with my free hand as I sit down heavily on the chair – which is when I notice an empty condom wrapper on the carpet, poking out from under the bed.
My first reaction is one of disgust. Time they got a new cleaner …
‘Morning!’ Dan’s obviously walking to work. ‘Sorry, it’s loud here. I’ve just got off the train. I tried to call you before I went to bed last night. Where were you?’
‘I – nowhere – I was here,’ I say, still staring at the wrapper.
‘Oh dear,’ he says sympathetically. ‘You sound a bit rough. Did you overdo it?’
I swallow. ‘A bit.’ And then I jolt, my eyes widen. Oh my God! Leo! Leo was here last night.
‘I don’t blame you,’ Dan says bluntly, ‘the way I behaved yesterday, you probably needed a drink or two. I was a total twat; I’m sorry. I’m just – worried about money and work, and – well, you know … at least you weren’t hurt. I’m really sorry about storming out too.’ He continues. ‘In the heat of the moment … I mean, OK, I know I get wound up sometimes, don’t I?’
‘Uh huh,’ I try to keep my voice level, forcing myself to concentrate, to think back … Leo was in this room with me … we were in the bed … I kissed him.
‘… but as a general rule,’ Dan considers, ‘I wouldn’t say I’m a stressy person. Would you?’
We were in the bed.
‘Hello?’ Dan says. ‘Moll?’
I sway slightly and nearly drop the phone. ‘Yes?’
‘Oh you’re still there. I thought I’d lost you for a minute. Look, it doesn’t matter, we can chat about it properly tonight when you get back. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. What time do you think you’ll be home?’
‘Er, about six-ish.’
‘Oh great! I’ve got a meeting at three so I’ll try and come straight home afterwards rather than go back into the office. I’ve done an online food shop,’ he sounds pleased with himself, ‘and I’ll do tea when I get in. Have a good day won’t you? And drink some water,’ he teases. ‘Love you.’
‘I love you too.’
I hang up. Still tightly gripping my phone I am unable to take my eyes off the wrapper, now lying there accusingly. Feeling panic beginning to well up within me I try to stay calm. It doesn’t mean anything, it probably is just bad housekeeping, that’s all. My mobile begins to buzz again in my hand. The vibration running through my body makes me feel sick and I answer quickly to make it stop.
‘Molly? It’s me. Can you talk?’
Leo. My stomach lurches instantly. ‘Yes,’ I answer automatically.
‘Oh good,’ he sounds relieved. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Er,’ I struggle to find the right words. ‘I’ve been better.’
‘I know,’ he says instantly. ‘I’m sorry. In some ways not our finest hour eh? Listen, I can’t be too long now – it’ll be easier to talk about it later. When’s good for you? About six-ish?’
What? No it isn’t! ‘What do we need to talk about?’ I say quickly.
There’s a surprised pause. ‘Well, us. Last night.’
I go cold. Now trying not to look at the condom wrapper, I attempt to keep my voice steady. ‘Us?’
‘Listen, how about this? I’m just thinking; if I could ditch my plans, are you still at the hotel tonight?’
Of course I’m not! I have to go home! ‘Leo – I don’t—’
‘I know, all this has caught me a little off-guard too,’ he confesses. ‘I wasn’t expecting this either, not after all this time.’
That draws me up short. Expecting what? Oh my God – what have I done?
‘Leo,’ I swallow hard. ‘I was pretty drunk last night. We obviously …’ I swallow. ‘Well, we were in bed together. I don’t know what we … what I said to you, that might have implied we should, do it again, but …’ I trail off, because I actually don’t know what I said to him. We had sex? Oh my God … oh God …
There is an ominous silence. ‘Ah, I see,’ he says, his tone changing slightly. I cringe with embarrassment and there’s another horribly long pause as he seems to realise whatever he thought was going to happen again, isn’t. ‘Right. Well, I’d still like to speak to you later if that’s OK?’ he sounds more businesslike now. ‘Just to make sure you’re all right, once you’ve been to the doctor’s? We don’t—’
Everything grinds down and judders to a heart-stopping halt.
‘The doctor’s? What do I need a doctor for?’ I interrupt. ‘We used a condom, didn’t we?’ I look at the wrapper.
He hesitates.
Then a horrible thought occurs to me. ‘Did it,’ I close my eyes, ‘come off ?’
‘You don’t remember? It broke.’
It what?
‘It broke?’ I repeat dully.
‘I know,’ he says instantly, ‘believe me, I know. You’re still angry with me for leaving too, aren’t you?’ he adds. ‘I can tell. You’re right – I should have stayed; I just panicked, Moll. I’ve never cheated on Helen before. I thought if she woke up and I wasn’t home … I’m sorry, you should have been my priority, especially after what happened. Only us eh?’ he laughs awkwardly. ‘It will be OK though, I promise. Just do get it sorted won’t you? Neither of us want that. Shit, I think she’s just got back from the school run.’ He lowers his voice furtively. ‘Look – I’ll text you later or something, OK? Don’t panic. This is all going to be just fine, babe. I promise.’
And then he hangs up, leaving me holding the phone in shock.
I’m going to be sick … Utterly repulsed, I dash to the bathroom, but as I hang over the loo, nothing happens. I raise my head eventually and look in the mirror.
My eyes are bloodshot, my skin is grey and has a greasy sheen to it while my hair is clumped and matted in places. My head feels like it’s going to burst. What have we done? Oh what the fuck have we done?
I walk slowly back into the bedroom and sink on to the bed as I look around and try to make some sense of it all. I had a drink with Leo. A couple of drinks. He leant me his jacket. We talked. I went to bed. He came to the room. I was drunk. I woke up next to him, we kissed … The rest is a blank.
I exhale slowly. We had whisky … and a shot didn’t we? Oh – I drank tequila with him – on top of everything else I’d had with the others at the hotel bar. Then I realise I am actually going to be sick and have to run to the bathroom as fast as I can.
* * *
‘I know she’s your usual doctor, but Dr Thomas isn’t in today I’m afraid,’ the medical receptionist says cosily. ‘Dr Hubbard has an emergency appointment today at four-thirty. It’s his last one. Do you need to see a female doctor?’
‘No, four-thirty is fine. Thanks.’ I practically whisper, sitting on the edge of the hotel bed having showered, sick no longer in my hair, dressed in clean work clothes. Bag packed.
‘And the name is?’
‘Molly Greene. Mrs Molly Greene.’
I hang up and then I send Pearce a text.
Am really ill. Can you cover for me? Tell them I’ve got whiplash from yesterday and gone to get checked out? Know this is a big ask x
His response comes back instantly.
Sure. Got it. Wait ten minutes, we’re about to start so you should be clear then. Hope you feel better soon. Call me if you need anything?
Thank God for him. I give the room one last cursory check and close the door quietly behind me. I want to get out of the place where it all happened, as quickly as I can. We are both married, what were we thinking?
Emerging out into what is a cold, blustery day, I feel a sense of disbelief that I am going home when I should be at work. It’s like sneaking out of school and waiting for a teacher to see me from a classroom and shout at me to come back … but what I’ve done is horribly, disgustingly adult.
It is not my safest drive home. I am simply numb and somehow unable to comprehend that I have done something so tawdrily predictable. Booze, biology and a cheap conference hotel; this is the sort of thing that happens to other reps, not me.
When I arrive back at the house everything looks and feels just as I left it yesterday. In our bedroom Dan has made the bed, there are a couple of golfing magazines on the floor next to a pair of his dirty socks. Last night, Dan was here as usual, like nothing was wrong, while I was in a hotel, with my ex …
I wobble on the spot and quickly peel off my clean work clothes, changing into jogging bottoms and a hoodie, my brain pinching with every movement. The silence in the room is really beginning to get to me and all of a sudden I need to speak to someone, very badly.
Agonisingly, Bec goes straight to voicemail; she must be on an early, maybe even a long day. Her phone will be off for hours.
Joss however picks up pretty much straight away. ‘Hi,’ she says in hushed tones, surprise in her voice. ‘I thought you were at a conference? You OK?’ For a loud person, she rather bizarrely hates using mobiles when she knows other people can hear her.
‘Can you talk?’
‘Yup – go for it.’
‘Last night …’ I take a deep breath. ‘At the conference hotel …’
‘Yeah?’ she says, doubt creeping into her voice.
‘I got really drunk and I slept with someone. As in … had sex with.’
There is a long pause. All I can hear is background office noise, a cough and someone else’s phone going off. ‘OK,’ she says eventually, making an enormous effort to react calmly. ‘I’m just going to take this outside … this was with a colleague I take it?’
‘No.’ I pause miserably. ‘With Leo.’
There is a stunned silence.
‘He turned up at the hotel,’ I blurt. ‘I was so drunk and … I woke up this morning and … oh Joss, the condom broke.’ I can barely get the words out. ‘So I’m going to have to go to the doctor’s today to get checked out and get the morning-after pill.’
More silence. She doesn’t respond. ‘Joss?’ I realise I’ve lost her. I ring back but it goes to voicemail. She must be trying to call me. I have to wait another maddening couple of minutes to get through.
‘Leo was at the hotel? Fuck! Of all the places …’
I hesitate. ‘It wasn’t a coincidence. He knew I was going to be there.’
There is another pause.
‘How,’ she says ominously, ‘would he know that, unless you’d been in contact with him?’
I close my eyes and swallow. ‘I sent him a message on Facebook.’
‘WHAT?
And more to the point why?’
‘I sent him a message, he sent me one back, we emailed once or twice and then he ended up ringing me yesterday. While we were on the phone I bumped the car, then last night he turned up at the hotel—’
‘You bumped the car?’ she exclaims. ‘What the …’
‘It was nothing, I went into the back of someone because I wasn’t concentrating. When he turned up I was already hammered,’ I try to explain. ‘We had a couple of drinks … I felt sick and … well then we said goodnight and I went up to my room, but I think he came up for some reason,’ I glance over at my bag, sitting on the floor. ‘Oh, that’s it!’ I remember. ‘His wallet or his phone or something was in my handbag, so he came back to get it …’
‘What were they doing in your bag?’ Joss is icy.
‘I don’t remember, but then I don’t remember a lot of last night. I haven’t been that drunk for years.’
She sighs heavily.
‘What the hell am I going to do, Joss?’ I panic.
‘Right, well – practicalities,’ she swings into business mode. ‘You have to get the morning-after pill, to be on the safe side, and I’d get some STD tests done too.’
I freeze. I haven’t even considered that. How stupid and naïve am I? She’s right. He might have once been my boyfriend … but his wife could have had one dodgy partner in the past and that would be enough. I shudder with revulsion as I close my eyes. God knows what I might have exposed myself to.
‘You can get the pill everywhere these days, you don’t have to go to the doctor’s.’
I pause. ‘True – but the condom broke, didn’t it? What if it’s not all gone? – I don’t want to get an infection.’
‘What are you talking about?’
Then I realise the phone must have cut off before she heard everything. So I have to tell her again.
‘Oh Molly. Would you like me to come to the doctor’s with you?’ she offers, her voice softening. ‘Or have you asked Bec?’