by Amy Kaufman
You probably won’t be surprised to learn that I purchased all three bottles for my Bach Discush group to sample, and let me tell you: They were not a hit. Iaconetti brought an extra bottle of the Fantasy Suite one week—I hope one that she was gifted for free—and one year later, I still have it. I put that damn bottle of wine out on the table Every. Single. Week. No one wants to drink that shit.
Bachelor candy, on the other hand? That went more quickly. In 2016, Sugarfina created an official collaboration with ABC called the “Will You Accept This Rose?” Bento Box. It was filled with the Final Rose and the First Impression Rose (made with Whispering Angel rosé).
“Our core demographic is young women—kind of that eighteen to late thirties age range. They are also a big fan of The Bachelor, so from an audience perspective it was just perfectly aligned,” Rosie O’Neill, Sugarfina’s founder, told me. “This is a young woman who loves to post on social media, loves to have something new and fresh and cute to share on her feed, and the candies are so cute and they connect directly with The Bachelor. So we think during the viewing season that people will get excited about it and have something cute to post.”
In a way, watching The Bachelor has become a badge of honor, as something that was once considered gauche now carries an odd sense of cultural cachet. Huge celebrities like Jennifer Aniston, Sean Penn, and John Mayer go on talk shows hosted by Jimmy Kimmel and Ellen DeGeneres and spend their entire interview segments discussing their love of The Bachelor. Even the snarky Howard Stern admits he’s a fan and sometimes spends large portions of his Sirius XM radio show talking about it—though he’s often just complaining about the vocal fry the female contestants speak with.
Still, even though many high-profile stars now openly discuss their love of The Bachelor, there’s always a hint of irony that comes along with the admission. Like, “Yes, I love this show, but I don’t really love it—I just love to make fun of it. It’s a train wreck! Hahahahaha!” And after spending all this time reporting on the show? I have to say: I think that’s bullshit.
I think we watch The Bachelor because we’re anxious about our own love lives, and the show gives us an outlet to express our fears about the modern dating world. It allows us to see a world filled with courtship, chivalry, and romance—and while we may scoff at the helicopters and hot tubs, deep down I think many of us still long for those kinds of things while we’re spending hours swiping left on Tinder.
Helen Fisher, the cultural anthropologist, thinks the show serves as a modern-day campfire of sorts, allowing us to discuss mating rituals in a communal setting—even if that community is Twitter.
“For millions of years, we lived in these little hunting and gathering bands. We sat around the fire at night, gossiping about who did what to whom and ‘Oh, she was mean to him, so he’s leaving her,’ and ‘Oh, I would have done it differently,’” Fisher said. “In other words, they were getting dating tips. They were sharing these experiences of watching other people around them and other people’s romantic lives. We’ve been doing this forever. But now we’re also sharing an experience in a society where we don’t know much about each other.”
Love, of course, is something we’ve all experienced—but not in the way The Bachelor depicts it. And that’s why Scott Jeffress—the executive producer from the show’s early days—thinks it fills a certain void for us. It gives us hope that a frothy, beautiful love story is just out of reach.
“The Bachelor was the perfect thing after 9/11,” he said. “Disaster movies were down at the box office. People did not want to be depressed or sad. They wanted to have a fantasy. They wanted to imagine what could be and be happy. I truly think that’s why The Bachelor hit at the perfect time.”
Sure, maybe that’s the purpose The Bachelor served initially, before we knew that every couple coming out of the show stood little chance of actually making it to the altar. Beyond the inevitable breakups, how are we supposed to buy into the fantasy when we now understand so much about how the sausage is made? There are so many things that taint the illusion: The contestants who now go on the show to become social-media influencers. The bubble effect that convinces the cast they’re head-over-heels with the Bachelor or Bachelorette. The producers who masterfully persuade participants to drop the L-bomb and get down on one knee. The editing that makes everything seem far more dramatic than it actually was. The life-altering effect the experience can have on individuals’ reputations and careers after their fifteen minutes fade away.
How do we watch The Bachelor now, knowing what we know?
This is something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about in the course of writing this book. Now more than ever I understand how incredibly problematic the show can be. And yet, first and foremost, I’m a fan. When I’m sitting in front of my television every Monday, surrounded by a group of my best friends, there’s no place I’d rather be. And should that make me feel bad? Even if I’m watching the show with a critical eye, just by turning it on every week and giving ABC ratings, aren’t I propagating some of the very things I find so troublesome to see?
Perhaps. But I actually don’t think these issues would be solved if we all just stopped watching. There are bigger, more fundamental questions that we need to be grappling with: Why are so many of us desperate for the type of fame that television can bring? Why is it so easy—and so fun—to judge others from the privacy of our own homes? And why do so many of us depend on romantic love to validate our worth?
Frankly, these are all ideas I’m still contending with in my own life—especially when it comes to marriage. At thirty-two, I’ve now lived in Los Angeles for more than a decade. I moved across the country at eighteen and managed to form a life of my own. I have a great group of friends, many of whom dutifully show up at my home each week with veggie platters and tortilla chips just to watch reality TV with me. I have a fun career that I’m proud of. Joan Rivers once told me I was a “smart cookie.” And I have a dog who’s really fucking cute.
And yet, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like somewhat of a failure of a woman because I haven’t found a man to spend my life with. And sometimes, those very feelings are exacerbated by watching The Bachelor. Those sad women who leave in the limos, questioning why they’re not good enough to attract a special man? I’ve been that woman. On many a Saturday night, in fact.
So many critics are quick to say that The Bachelor has screwed up an entire generation of women—created unrealistic expectations for so many of us who will never get to fly in a helicopter or wear a $100,000 ring on our finger. But I would argue that that kind of hope isn’t entirely damaging.
More often than not, somehow the show manages to make me feel good about still being single. I watch men being so open and communicative with their emotions and I’m reminded of why I’m waiting for the kind of man who will be that way with me. I watch how fun and exciting it can be to fall in love and remember how good those feelings are—how they’re worth fighting for, and how the instant they overtake you, the lonely Saturday nights quickly fade from memory.
So, yes: I will continue to watch The Bachelor. I’m hopeful that the show will continue to evolve, tweaking its tried-and-true formulas so that the contrast between the supposed fairy tale unfolding on-screen and the reality of dating off-camera isn’t quite so stark. But in the meantime, I’ll be planted in front of my TV, watching alongside a group of women as we all try to understand the inscrutable, wicked, brilliant thing that is love.
Acknowledgments
Even after I sold the book proposal for Bachelor Nation, I wasn’t sure I actually had it in me to write an entire book. I looked at my contract with Dutton over and over again, my eyes always settling on one daunting figure: 75,000 words.
The idea that I would be able to write that much while keeping up with my assignments at the LA Times was so overwhelming that I asked my former colleague Rebecca to lunch to discuss my anxiety. Rebeks, who
now writes for Vanity Fair, had written a book already and made it look easy. “You can totally do this,” she said encouragingly. “Think about how many stories you write in a year. How many words is that?”
She was right. On average, I wrote far more than 75,000 words per year at the newspaper. This small bit of reassurance gave me the boost I needed at a moment when I was feeling paralyzed. Thank you, my OG work wife, for giving me the perspective I needed to get started on this journey.
While balancing my day job and writing a book hasn’t been easy, I owe endless gratitude to my editors at the LA Times—especially Laurie—for giving me the flexibility to work on this project. They allowed me to take some time off to head back to Massachusetts to write—freedom I know some staff writers at other publications would not have been as fortunate to have.
When I told my friends that I was moving in with my parents for a couple of months to work on this book, I got more than a few perplexed looks. And frankly, even I wasn’t sure it was a great idea. Yes, my mom and dad live in an idyllic New England town by the sea—and room and board would be taken care of—but I wasn’t positive the environment would, uh, fuel my creativity.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. Mom and Dad, thank you so much for welcoming me back home with open arms and for sitting through endless conversations with me about a show you don’t even like that much. Mom, it was so generous of you to allow me to work in your beautiful art studio. I remember one day, when I felt completely distraught and trapped by writer’s block, you found me in tears on the couch and asked: “How can I help you?” That support was exactly what I needed. Dad, I can’t explain how much it means to me that you are always my number one cheerleader. Even though it’s embarrassing when you awkwardly boast about me to your friends who definitely don’t want to hear about my myriad accomplishments, I know you only do it because you love me. I love both of you so much.
And, Kim, thank goodness you came home just when our parents were starting to drive me a bit crazy. It’s been so special watching you mature over the past few years and start off your law career with such a bang. I know that we’ll always have each other’s backs when Valentine’s Day rolls around again and we’re still single—though hopefully we won’t be for too much longer.
To Bach Discush: Tierney (my most loyal VP), Katie, Lindsey, Meredith, Annie, Molls, Marissa, Gillian, Sasha, Kara, Saba, Lauren, Baker, and Kat. You are truly the heart and soul of this book. Many would say we’re crazy for spending a good portion of our day emailing about a reality show, but we know better than that. We know that this show has provided us with meaningful friendships and provoked important discussions about love and identity. Thank you all for supporting me along the ride and for showing up with legit snacks each and every Monday. And I’m sorry that I get mad when you say you can’t make it. I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, OK?
Margaux—but Meg, because I can’t—I really have you to thank for getting the ball rolling on this book. When I was completely in the dark about the publishing world, you generously offered to lend your valuable expertise. You connected me with Nicole, who has proven to be an incredible agent. And, Nicole, you believed in this book when it was nothing but an idea that still needed a whole lot of reporting to back it up. Thank you for taking a chance on me, fighting on my behalf, and always looking out for my best interests.
Jess, you were such a supportive editor. Even when I missed deadlines and procrastinated to the max—and we both know I really do mean the MAX—you kept your cool. You were always willing to listen when I needed to vent my frustrations and calmed me down when I was spiraling. I so appreciate your guidance in pushing me toward the finish line.
Lauren, you are the warmest, most supportive best friend. Not only did you allow me access to your office whenever I needed it—thanks to Jason for that too!—but letting me hide out in your apartment during a tough deadline was invaluable. How lucky I am to have such a smart, thoughtful writer in my life to bounce ideas off of. From our A1 on my literal day one at The Wall Street Journal, I knew you were a kindred spirit.
Jeffers, I was terrified to have you as my first reader on a draft of this book. You’re such an accomplished reporter who has written about things far more important than The Bachelor. And yet you treated this subject with an open mind and came back to me with incredibly thoughtful advice. Thank you for serving as a mentor on this book and every day at work. I kind of want to be you.
To my roommates—Allison and Max—for letting me dominate the dining table with my laptop and stacks of transcripts. Also for ordering pizza with me every Sunday. And maybe other days.
Chloe, what can I say? You tried out for The Bachelor for me. Is there a greater gift? While I still don’t understand how it’s possible that you didn’t get past the first round—obviously, they realized you were too sane and stable for this process—you really went out on a limb for me. I shall keep your headshot affixed to my fridge for the rest of time.
Riggins, you curled up by my feet every single time I was at work on my laptop. That was so nice. You have taught me more about love than The Bachelor ever could. And you are way cuter than Copper.
Finally, to all the cast and crew members who were willing to open themselves up to me for this book: I owe my biggest thanks to you. I judged some of you unfairly when I watched you on TV. Since then, I’ve come to respect the bravery it takes to bare yourself in front of the world in the way you all have. I hope that this book will help others to understand you better too.
List of Bachelors and Bachelorettes
THE BACHELOR
Season 1, spring 2002: ALEX MICHEL
Winner: Amanda Marsh
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 2, fall 2002: AARON BUERGE
Winner: Helene Eksterowicz
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 3, spring 2003: ANDREW FIRESTONE
Winner: Jen Schefft
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 4, fall 2003: BOB GUINEY
Winner: Estella Gardinier
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 5, spring 2004: JESSE PALMER
Winner: Jessica Bowlin
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 6, fall 2004: BYRON VELVICK
Winner: Mary Delgado
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 7, 2005: CHARLIE O’CONNELL
Winner: Sarah Brice
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 8, winter 2006: TRAVIS LANE STORK
Winner: Sarah Stone
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 9, fall 2006: LORENZO BORGHESE
Winner: Jennifer Wilson
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 10, spring 2007: ANDREW BALDWIN
Winner: Tessa Horst
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 11, fall 2007: BRAD WOMACK
Winner: None
Proposal: N/A
Current status: N/A
Season 12, 2008: MATT GRANT
Winner: Shayne Lamas
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 13, 2009: JASON MESNICK
Winner: Melissa Rycroft
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 14, 2010: JAKE PAVELKA
Winner: Vienna Girardi
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 15, 2011: BRAD WOMACK
Winner: Emily M
aynard
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 16, 2012: BEN FLAJNIK
Winner: Courtney Robertson
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 17, 2013: SEAN LOWE
Winner: Catherine Giudici
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Married
Season 18, 2014: JUAN PABLO GALAVIS
Winner: Nikki Ferrell
Proposal: No
Current status: Not together
Season 19, 2015: CHRIS SOULES
Winner: Whitney Bischoff
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 20, 2016: BEN HIGGINS
Winner: Lauren Bushnell
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 21, 2017: NICK VIALL
Winner: Vanessa Grimaldi
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
THE BACHELORETTE
Season 1, 2003: TRISTA REHN
Winner: Ryan Sutter
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Married
Season 2, 2004: MEREDITH PHILLIPS
Winner: Ian McKee
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 3, 2005: JEN SCHEFFT
Winner: Jerry Ferris
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 4, 2008: DEANNA PAPPAS
Winner: Jesse Csincsak
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 5, 2009: JILLIAN HARRIS
Winner: Ed Swiderski
Proposal: Yes
Current status: Not together
Season 6, 2010: ALI FEDOTOWSKY
Winner: Roberto Martinez
Proposal: Yes