“Sweet Jesus!”
“So, here’s what I’ve done. I’ve got this minor character named Bertha. She just has a small part, but she kind of steals the show.”
“Already I can’t stand it.”
“Then buckle up, lady. Because before Bertha was turned, she was a total fashionista. A big corporate powerhouse who loved her some Chanel.”
“Please, God, no.”
“Oh, please, God, yes! Anyway, Bertha gets bitten by some poor infected beast and becomes a zombie. Then, because some part of her remembers that she loves couture, she starts raiding all of the Chanel stores in Manhattan.”
“On, no, she doesn’t!”
“Oh, yes, she does! She goes to the Chanel on East 57th Street, and then to the one on Madison Avenue, and finally she marches her bony, rotting ass to the one on Spring Street. And in between, there’s Bergdorf and Saks! It’s pure satire, but I think that it’s just funny and subversive enough for my readership to enjoy. Here is a zombie who has somehow remembered what she loved most when she was alive—fashion. And also the need to look her best, regardless of the fact that she’s been reduced to a decaying corpse. Blackwell has always wanted to be as thin as a needle, so I’ve given Bertha the same traits. She’s a knot of bones with not a lick of meat on them. As she goes from store to store, she tries on this Chanel suit, this Chanel jacket, that Chanel dress, those Chanel shoes. She actually goes from a size zero to a minus two. To top it off, she decides which tailors live or die—if only so that her clothes can be fitted properly to her.”
“Why do I feel like cackling?” I said.
“Because we both know that if this was indeed Blackwell, it is the zombie she’d turn out to be.”
“Iris is going to have your ass.”
“Are you kidding me? You know how Iris and Blackwell are together. Iris isn’t just an excellent editor, but she also has one serious sense of humor. I think she’s going to have a gas when she reads that passage. It’s only a few pages, but it does make a social statement about our must-have-everything culture. I’m just grateful to Blackwell for the inspiration.”
“Well,” I said. “As horrified and as delighted as I am, cheers to you, my friend. Because that shit is funny.”
“Just don’t say a word of it to anyone.”
“Like I would—I’m a vault. So, when do you and Tank leave?”
“Two days,” she said.
“So you’ll be back before New Year’s?”
“We will.”
“Then the four of us will need to spend New Year’s Eve together,” I said. “I’ll nail down a restaurant for us. If you have any ideas, shoot them my way. As for the men in our lives, they could give a rat’s ass about where we go. But I want to play dress up with you, so it needs to be somewhere super fancy.”
“I’m totally on board with that. And since you are absolutely revered in this town, you can make that happen.”
“I’m not even going to respond to that, because you’re just baiting me. Here’s what I say—the day before the big night, we’ll go shopping for new dresses.”
“Maybe Bertha won't mind helping us out with that,” Lisa said.
“You’re terrible—and I love you for it,” I said. “And look, try to have a good time with Tank and his parents. They’ll fall in love with you—I know they will. And do your best to find a nearby no-tell motel so that you and Tank can have some alone time. And then come back to me and Alex so we can end this ruinous year on one mother of a positive note.”
When I said that, my cell phone dinged in my purse.
“Who’s that?” Lisa asked. “Oh, I know—likely a love note from Alex.”
“He’s having a business lunch, so it can’t be him. Let me check.” I removed the phone and looked at the screen. “It’s a text from Blackwell,” I said.
“Here comes your answer, so gird your loins, lovey.”
When I read the text, I felt a sense of relief as well as a sense of foreboding. “They’re in,” I said to Lisa. “Though apparently there are provisions.”
“Here’s my guess—they want to know where they’re staying, and if each girl gets their own bedroom and bathroom.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I know those girls.”
“Well, if that’s the issue, the good news is that they will get both this year. Alex secured a huge house for us that overlooks Big Bear Lake. You remember going to the Loaf when we were in college—that spot is beautiful. Bars and restaurants are within walking distance, and the mountain itself is just minutes away by car. We’re smack in the middle of everything.”
Lisa lifted her martini to her lips. “Then it looks to me like this is happening,” she said. “And hopefully it won’t age you. As much as I wish that Tank and I could be with you, there are now two concrete reasons why I’m very happy that we won’t be—Alexa and Daniella. Oh, and lest I forget, there’s also Cutter, whom Daniella threw herself at in ways that none of us will ever forget. So, honey, girlfriend, chica—you know. When Daniella starts to go gaga over him? Good luck with all that!”
CHAPTER THREE
WHEN I RETURNED TO Wenn later that afternoon after a fabulous lunch with Lisa and an emotional farewell as we went our separate ways for the holidays, I went straight to Blackwell’s office to lock down our own holiday plans.
“I’m so glad that you’ve agreed to come!” I said when I stepped into her office.
“Well, that’s something I haven’t heard in years,” she said as she patted her bob. “And God knows Charles was always just as surprised as I was when it actually happened. He was a terrible lover.”
“You’re the one who’s terrible.”
“Oh, look—words I’ve never heard before.” She pointed a finger at me. “By the way, I’ve agreed to nothing yet. We need to cover a few things first. I have questions.”
I sat down in the chair opposite her. “Ask away.”
“Daniella and Alexa want separate bedrooms and bathrooms. Is that going to happen this time?”
Man, did Lisa ever nail that or what?
“In fact, they will. That should make them happy. As I said, at the Loaf—”
“At the what?”
“Most people call Sugarloaf ‘the Loaf.’”
“Well, already that sounds better to me, because right there—we’ve already cut out half the calories.”
“Anyway,” I said with a sigh, “back to the cabin, which isn’t even a cabin. It’s a freaking mansion. Alex rented us a monstrosity that’s just over nine-thousand square feet. Is that large enough for everyone? It certainly should be, because I’ve seen photos of it and it’s huge. It’s also in the middle of everything. The slopes are close. The bars, shops, and restaurants are literally within walking distance. We’ll be overlooking Big Bear Lake, which is so expansive, it looks as if you’re overlooking the ocean—but without the salty smell you seem to dislike.”
“Because it can be rancid.”
“Only when it’s at low tide.”
“Haven’t you noticed? I’m not a low-tide kind of girl.”
And...I’m just moving on!
“Alex has arranged to have everything decorated for the holidays before we arrive. We’re really trying to please everyone here, Barbara. What else can we offer?”
“Nothing,” she said in a softer tone. “And I have to say that the girls and I appreciate the effort, the thought, the invitation, and the work that has gone into making all this just right. Just so you know, I was on board the moment you mentioned it to me, because I do want to spend the holidays with you. After all, Alex and you are my family. But as you know all too well, my girls aren’t such an easy sell. That said, now that I know that their conditions have been met, we would love to spend the holidays with Alex and you, as well as with Cutter, Brock, and Madison. I just wish that Lisa and Tank were coming. Even though I understand that it’s time for her to meet his parents, it still won’t seem right without them.”
“
Tell me about it,” I said. “This will be the first time since I’ve known Lisa that we haven’t spent the holidays together. Oh, and by the way, I just had lunch with her—I have news.”
“What news? How could it be that I haven’t heard of this news before you?”
“Because I’m her best friend?”
“Whatever. Spill it.”
“She and Tank are getting close to setting a date!”
“Well, it’s about time,” Blackwell said. “Let’s just call it what it is—a goddamned Christmas miracle. Do you know when?”
“She is cagey about setting the exact date, but she did say that she’s always wanted to be a June bride—which I’ve known since we were kids. So, I think a wedding will happen in June.”
“In June?” Blackwell said. “But that’s only six months away. Does that girl have any idea of the sheer amount of time it takes to pull together a proper wedding? One should spend a year organizing such an event.”
I just shrugged at her. “Alex and I got married in his office on the sly,” I said. “What in the hell do I know about having a big wedding?”
“Nothing. What Alex and you did still ruins me to this day. To deny me of seeing you in a proper dress. Hell, each of you having a proper ceremony. And to deny your friends of enjoying in the same. It was cruel.”
“And yet here we are—stronger than ever,” I said.
“And that you are. But as for Lisa and Tank, I might need to get involved if this is going to take place in June.”
“I think that she’d enjoy that.”
“But would her mother?”
“Probably not so much...”
“Fine then. But I have to ask—what in the hell does her mother, who hails from the barns of Maine, know about putting on a big New York wedding? Zip! Just let Lisa know that I’m available should she need me. You know, such as when it comes to the mere incidental of finding the right dress. The right caterer. The right florist. The right church. The right space for the reception. The list goes on and on. Does her mother know Manhattan’s best of the best in the ways that I do? I think we both know the answer to that question. While I’m sure that Lisa comes from a fine family, I’d bet my life on the fact that her mother would struggle to find the right people to coordinate her wedding here in New York.”
“Assuming that they get married in New York,” I said.
“Do you think that they wouldn’t?”
“I’m not sure. Like I said, I know nothing at this point. But let’s not worry about that now. Let’s deal with the upcoming holiday. Tank and Lisa leave in two days. We leave in five. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping yet. Have you?”
“To a point I have, but that point hardly ends with an exclamation point. There is still plenty of ground to be covered, especially since I now know that I need to find gifts for Cutter, Brock, and Madison. And believe me when I tell you this, my dear. After this year? After the way he assisted us on that island? I am going to smother Cutter in particular with gifts.”
“The same goes for me and Alex—what Cutter doesn’t know is that Alex and I are going to give him a huge year-end bonus. Same goes for Tank. Still, I have to say that I wish that Cutter and Susan hadn’t broken up. I understand why they did—she received a killer job offer in Chicago, and she would have been a fool to pass that up. But because of that, Cutter isn’t going to have anyone special to spend the holidays with. Yes, on paper, he’s officially going to be there to be our security detail. But we both know that’s not really the case. He’s going to be there because he’s a member of our extended family. We need to make a real effort to make this Christmas special for him.”
“I agree,” she said. “Let me call Alexa and Daniella now to get their full buy-in. And if they are in, how about if you and I go shopping for all involved?”
“Oh, I’d love that,” I said.
“Why wouldn’t you? For the love of Chanel, you’d have me on your arm to guide you on what to buy and what to pass on. Let me call them.”
When she explained to the girls that they’d have not only their own bedrooms, but also separate bathrooms, they got immediately on board.
“So, that’s done,” Blackwell said when she put down her cell. “I guess we’ll be spending the holidays together after all. And that makes me very happy. But don’t you dare expect me to cook for you again.”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, you certainly said that quickly—perhaps even too quickly. Do you even remember the magic I created last year, Jennifer? That meal I cooked for us was divoon. And do you want to know why? It’s because that fat Contessa got me through all of it.”
“And it was delicious,” I said. “I just don’t want you to be bothered with having to prepare Christmas dinner again. Madison and I will tend to it. And if Daniella or Alexa want to join in, the more the merrier.”
“Rest assured, that won’t happen when it comes to those two. Daniella won’t do it because Daniella is Daniella. Alexa won’t do it because she’s a vegetarian and will be repelled to see a dead turkey ready to be stuffed. So, if you and Madison will take my place this year for that chore, I’d be grateful for it—but I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be hellish! When I was making the stuffing alone, I was certain at one point that it started to look like a placenta to me. It was disgusting.”
“But it tasted so good,” I said.
“Again,” she said. “That fat Contessa came through for me.” She leaned forward. “And maybe this year she’ll come through for you.”
CHAPTER FOUR
OVER THE NEXT THREE days, Blackwell and I shopped—and we shopped hard. We went to Saks, to Bergdorf, to Tiffany, to Prada, to Chanel, to Dior, to Barneys and to Bloomingdale’s, and then to Louis Vuitton, Henri Bendel, and beyond. When we’d finally ticked off everything on our list and all of our packages had been professionally wrapped, we had Cutter drop me off at Alex and my apartment on Fifth.
After pulling the limousine alongside the apartment building, Cutter stepped out and began to tell the doormen which packages were to be delivered to me. I reached over and gave Blackwell a kiss on each cheek.
“There you go again,” she said. “Spreading germs.”
“Germs aside, I suggest that you get your rest. Because I can tell you right now, Barbara, that you’re going to need it. You think that island was tough? Wait until you strap on a set of skis and take to the slopes.”
“Why in hell have I agreed to any of this?”
“Because Madison and I got you with the Chanel ski suit, goggles, and gloves that you’ll soon wear.”
“Well, there’s that,” she said.
“And because you wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I suppose there’s that, too.”
“Be ready by nine,” I said. “We’re taking one of Wenn’s Lears at noon, and will arrive in Bangor an hour later. Then, it’s about a two-hour drive to the Loaf. Once we’re there, we’ll all get settled in, and then we’ll have dinner before calling it a night and hitting the slopes the next day.”
“Already it sounds exhausting,” she said. “I might just decide to drink in the dark. Alone. Cold, unwanted, and bitter.”
“The hell you will. Do you have any idea what that suit cost me, let alone the gloves and the goggles?”
“As if you couldn’t afford it.”
“Still!”
“And by the way, I already looked it up to see what I was worth to you. So, you know, well done, darling. Well done.”
“You did not look up how much it costs...”
“Of course I did. If I’m going to get my ass on those bunny slopes, I needed to see what else Chanel had up their sleeves in case I wanted to bring something else along. But I have to say that you and Madison chose exactly right. The suit is perfection. And by the way, Jennifer, don’t think that I won’t make a ma
rathon of those bunny slopes just because I’m older than you. I plan to conquer them!”
“What a surprise. But I’m happy that you’re up for the challenge—”
“Challenge?” she interrupted. “I don’t consider any of this a challenge. Those slopes will bend over backwards for me.”
“Will they?” I asked.
“What does that mean?”
“I’m just wondering if you’ve ever skied before.”
“No, but I’ve certainly seen people ski on TV. During the Olympics. You know, that sort of thing. J’adore the figure skating! Just watching those skaters alone makes me long to do the triple salchow, axel, and lutz. To me, those moves look difficult and dangerous. But skiing? It can’t be that hard. Everyone makes it look so easy.”
Oh, bloody hell, she is so going to have my ass when she finds out that there’s nothing easy about one’s first time skiing...
“Well, we’ll see,” I said brightly. “And by the way, that’s the spirit, old girl!”
“Old girl my ass.”
“Anyway, I need to see my husband, who has barely seen me since we started this three-day shopping spree of ours. We also need to pack for our time away, and I imagine that you and the girls need to do the same.”
“The girls?” she said. “Please. I not only have to pack for me, but if they’re in one of their moods, I’ll likely need to pack for them as well. So, you are correct—scram. I need to get things done if we’re to leave at nine.”
When I left her and moved onto the sidewalk, I gave Cutter a quick peck on the cheek.
“I’m so glad that you’re coming,” I said. “And while I know that officially you’re coming for work, you must know that it means much more than that to all of us, Cutter. We want you with us. We want you to spend the holidays with us. Consider this a working vacation with your extended family. Because, as far as I’m concerned, you are my family.”
He was so tall, he had to smile down at me. “I appreciate that—and I feel the same, Jennifer. If I didn’t have you and Alex—and everyone else— I would have been spending Christmas visiting a few buddies of mine, and all of them are married with children. So, I’m grateful for the invitation and am looking forward to whatever comes of it.”
Holiday: Annihilate Him, #4 Page 3