by Brandi Aga
“Sounds good.” I wait till he pulls his truck into the garage and take a good look up and down the road. The wind is picking up speed, sending a chill in the air. My heart rate increases. It feels like he’s here. I can almost smell him.
Maddy makes a noise from her seat, growing impatient with me the longer we wait. I tuck the paper down into the stroller to keep it safe.
I’ll save it for later, at least until I know what to do with it.
I parked the truck a couple blocks over. There’s a lot of woods out this way, being a new development area still, so I’m not worried about being seen. I hopped over the wall, put the note in her mailbox, and scoped out the house from a safe distance.
I’m still watching when that asshole pulls up next to her and they exchange words before he heads on in the garage. She looks around, the wind whipping her hair around her pretty face. She looks right at me and doesn’t even know it.
Roman would shit if he could see her now, living in this fancy-ass neighborhood without him. Course, that’s what he wanted for her. But now, I’m about to put that ball in her court. Let her make that decision for once. My brother, he’s as stubborn as they come. Never would have agreed to this.
She fingers the note and holds it to her chest before taking one last glance around the street and tucking it in the kid’s stroller. The asshole emerges from the garage, takes the kid, Roman’s kid, out of the stroller and gives Leylah a kiss. It’s not even my fucking woman, and I’m seeing red.
Sit tight, brother. Doin’ this for you.
You can’t change other people, but you can change yourself, your heart, and beyond that, your character. With that being said, I’m starting with the note. I’ve wadded it up a hundred times while trying to decide what to do with it.
I watched Ryan put Maddilyn to bed tonight, and it hit me. He gave her a kiss on the cheek, and she laid her head down on his shoulder. “Good night, angel,” he said as he rubbed his hand up and down her back, promising her love and safety. Anytime he went to lay her down, she cried for her daddy. Being wrapped around her finger, he stood there and rocked her till she fell asleep.
It sucker punched me all the way down to my core. The thought of losing him, losing what we have right now, I can’t stomach it. And that’s when I knew without an absolute doubt that Ryan is my person. Ryan is my person, and he loves this little version of me that he didn’t have to accept, but he did anyway because that’s the kind of person he is. He didn’t have to forgive and learn to trust me all over again, but he did and he is. Every day we’re learning and growing, changing our ways and falling for each other like we did over a decade ago.
Ryan went to bed right after Maddy. I told him I’d be there in a while. I could wait till he goes to work tomorrow when I can do this in private, but I don’t want any more secrets. No more guilt. No more hiding.
“Ryan,” I whisper from the bedroom door. It’s dark, and I can’t tell if he’s still awake or not.
He rolls over to face me. “Ley? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you. If you’re too tired, go back to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.” I’m making light of the situation because I don’t want him to freak out. This is a good thing. I just have to show him that, like he showed me we could be us again.
He glances over at the clock and throws the covers back. “What is it?”
“Here…” I toss his hoodie at him from the sofa at the foot of our bed. “It’s chilly out, and I want to show you something.”
He snorts. “You’re freaking me out. Is this the moment when you ‘show me something’ and dump my body out back?”
I laugh, it is funny that we’re going out back in the middle of the night. It’s cold and dark, but I need to do this. “No, baby. Not going to kill you, but thanks for the idea.” I wink.
The smack of his hand on my ass echoes out into the night. “Okay, smartass, what’s going on?”
“Will you light that for me?” I gesture toward the fire pit. He looks at me, his eyebrows drawn together, but he does it. I drag the patio chairs across the concrete close enough to the fire so we can feel the warmth radiating out of it.
I tug the note out of my pocket and hand it to Ryan. I don’t say a word while his eyes skim over the address written on it. He looks over at me, his heart on his sleeve, eyes full of fright.
“It’s not what you think. I mean, it is. I think. I haven’t done anything with it, looked into it or anything. I don’t want to.”
“When did you get it?”
“A few days ago.”
He nods slowly, taking it all in.
“I wanted you to know about it. I don’t want anything coming between us again.”
He’s silent still, and I can’t tell what’s going on in his head.
“Ryan, I know we haven’t talked about him, and Maddy—”
“Don’t. I love that little girl like she’s ours, Leylah. Don’t take that from me.” His voice cracks. I’m not getting my point across exactly like I’d planned.
I swallow a thick lump of emotions down my throat and get down on my knees in front of him. “Ryan, this is a good thing. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you, for lying to you, and ruining what we had. I’m so sorry.” Tears flow like a river down my cheeks. I can taste the saltiness on my lips as I plead to him. “Don’t you see? I’m showing you this because it’s our closure. There’s no more unspoken what-ifs, no more uncertainty… I’m 100 percent in. And I want you to know that, from the bottom of my soul, you’re it for me.” I grab the note and turn around on my knees facing the fire pit. I hold the paper out over the fire and slam my eyes shut. Taking a deep breath, I flick them open as soon as I let go, watching my past drift down into the inferno and disintegrate into nothing.
Just like Roman and I did.
Closure.
“It was always you, Ryan.” I barely manage to get the words out in between my sobs. “I just had to be brought back to you to see that.”
Ryan wraps his hoodie around me and pulls me into his lap. “Thank you” escapes his lips right before they crash to mine. I hadn’t noticed in my frantic state that he was crying too. Quiet tears. Tears of all the pain from the past. Tears of relief. “There at the end, you said I never put forth the effort, and I’m sorry for that. I can’t change the shit I did or didn’t do, but I can make it better from here on out. I’m really trying, like I told you I would. I love you, Ley.”
We share a chair under the stars in the cool fall night, no longer thinking of the past but of the future. From this moment forward, till death do us part.
One year later
California State Prison
“Blackhart! Move your ass, don’t have all day.” The guard barks orders at me like I’m the shit on the bottom of his shoe. The shackles on my ankles are tight, but I’ve gotten used to it. Just like the sound of the doors when they close at night. The walls around me. Locking me in. Getting my name in the mix with Armillio and his dirty cops didn’t exactly help my image around here. It’s like that saying, it’s all about who you know, and that’s the motherfuckin’ truth.
Life without parole.
It’s a hard pill to swallow.
I wish I would’ve fuckin’ died that day ’cause every part of my soul did. I’m alive and breathing, but that’s about it. I didn’t plan to come out of there when shit went down, didn’t wanna live this life without her.
I knew I had to let Leylah go. Pushing her and Maddilyn away just about killed me. She’s too good, too pure, even if she doesn’t know it. I know I’m not the man she thinks I am. Being locked up here has shown me exactly that. I have a monster inside me, and he’s ripping my insides apart, begging to be released.
My past caught up to me, and it was never gonna let me go, but the past doesn’t even scrape the surface of the bad shit I’ve done in here.
Ryan’s good for her. Simple as that. That’s the only reason I gave her up. I know he will take
care of them for me while I can’t. That’s why she can’t know I’m here. She’d come, and that’s exactly what they want.
Whatever it takes to keep my girls safe…
Even if that means they aren’t mine anymore.
I’m still grieving the loss of something that feels like death. It’s as if Roman died that day I burned that piece of paper, and in a way, he did. They say time heals all wounds, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need all the time in the world to heal this one. I miss parts of him every day, even when I don’t realize I’m thinking about him until I start going to this dark place in my mind. One glance at Maddy, and I can see his face in her eyes. She looks just like him, and I know Ryan sees it too.
Ryan isn’t the same man he used to be, and I’m grateful for him in more ways than I could ever fathom. Taking care of me and Maddy has been a huge priority for him. He would lay down his life for her. He didn’t have to deal with me and everything I put him through. He could have washed his hands and been done with it all, but he loves me, and for now, I have hope that one day all our hearts will heal and be whole again, that we can be happy and at peace in this new place in our lives.
“Mama!” Maddy screeches, flailing her legs. I walk into the kitchen with bedhead and sleep-filled eyes, where I see my two favorite people cooking breakfast. Ryan’s holding Maddy around his waist, her hand with a death grip on the back of his shirt.
“Morning, Ley.”
“Smells good in here.”
“French toast and bacon, your favorite.”
I worked an extra hard shift yesterday with a bad accident on 635. Shut down the whole interstate for hours. The extra sleep this morning was much appreciated. I make us a place at the table and stick Maddilyn in her high chair. It startles me when the doorbell rings this early in the morning. “I’ll get it.” I squint through the peephole to see who it is. “Erin Nicole! What are you doing here?”
She laughs. “I told Ryan I was coming. I wouldn’t just show up unannounced.”
“Um, yeah you would.”
“Okay, I would, but never this early. And I promise I told him.”
“Shut up and give me a hug.” We promised each other we’d see one another all the time, and truth is, we haven’t lately. Between work, her work, Maddy, and Ryan, life just kind of gets in the way of plans sometimes. And to be honest, she’s been a little distant too.
Ryan walks around the corner, throwing his arms up, feigning surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Ha-ha. I already told her I told you I was coming.”
“Figures. Can’t keep a secret.” He shakes his head, unable to contain the sarcasm. “Breakfast is ready.”
Even though we haven’t seen each other much, it still feels the same, like we’ve not lost any time at all.
“Did I tell you? I met this dude, and let me just say, he is something else.”
“No, you didn’t tell me.” I play along, because honestly, I can’t remember if she told me or not. Remember, different boyfriend every week?
“I didn’t? Well, he moves around a lot. I’m not actually sure he’s even staying anywhere permanently right now, but I’m really into him.” Ryan stays quiet, not giving a shit about our girl talk. “We’ve been talking for a few months. You guys should meet him!”
“We’d love to,” I say, speaking for the both of us. “Maybe we can double date or something. What’s his name?”
“Oh, his name is Blaze.”
Luke Combs ~ Hurricane
Linkin Park & Kiiara ~ Heavy
Lady Gaga ~ Million Reasons
James Arthur ~ Say You Won’t Let Go
Lana Del Rey ~ Blue Jeans
Mike Ryan ~ New Hometown
Sam Smith ~ Too Good At Goodbyes
Papa Roach ~ Gravity
Rascal Flatts ~ I Won’t Let Go
Justin Moore ~ Somebody Else Will
Bullet For My Valentine ~ Tears Don’t Fall
Nick Jonas ~ Close
Rixton ~ Hotel Ceiling
Kip Moore ~ Last Shot
Kesha ~ Praying
To my husband Josh - thank you for supporting me through every adventure in life I take. It means more to me than you will ever know. When I woke up one day and decided to write a book he said to do it, so I did. Thank you for following all my dreams until I found the right one for me.
Kayla and Tiffany - two of the best friends a girl could have. From books to real life, they listen to me think out loud, answer all my questions, and always give me their honest opinions. Best Book Friends for life!
Jay Aheer - the most talented art creator that ever lived! She took my vision for my cover art (plus teasers and a million other things) and blew it out of the water. She’s amazing to work with! Thank you for making the experience a little less scary for my first novel and bringing the images in my brain to life!
Hot Tree Editing - Their editing skills saved my life! They knew just wh
ere to stick all my stray commas. Hot Tree Editing is the bomb dot com!
Virginia Tesi Carey - Thanks for being so supportive and an awesome proofreader.
We Were Memories is my book baby. Being my debut novel, it’s extra special to me and I’m so excited to finally get to share it. Thank you again to all my family, friends, and readers! I couldn’t have done this without you all.
Brandi Aga is a former book blogger turned writer. Her love for books quickly escalated the need to tell her own stories. Dark, taboo stories and dystopian romance are her favorites but she reads a little bit of everything.
She is a stay at home boy (and cat) mom who spends her free time reading, writing, and online gaming with her husband of ten years.
For more:
https://authorbrandiaga.wordpress.com/
[email protected]