by Ashley Beale
He's slipping out of my hands before he's even mine.
Standing from the bed, I shake the thoughts out of my mind before making my way downstairs to the kitchen. Justice is there completely ready for the day- showered, hair, makeup. The works. I don't know how she does any of it. I slip onto the barstool and listen to the kids talk about superheroes at the kitchen table. Justice places a mug in front of me filled with liquid gold. "Not sure what you want in it," she says before placing the sugar and creamer on the counter too.
"Thank you."
Taking a few sips of coffee, I look out through the large doors. It's a beautiful day out already and it's not even nine in the morning. "Is Jaron helping Kris out?" I remember him mentioning that he was going to this morning.
"Yeah, but I don't think for much longer."
"How long has he been gone for?"
"Oh, I believe they left around four."
I nearly choke on my coffee. Poor Jaron got hardly any sleep that means. "This morning?" Although I know the answer already, I still have to ask to confirm that he was up that early to go out working. I guess it's been a long time since I was surrounded by people that actually got up before the dawn to earn their family money.
With a small laugh, she confirms it was indeed this morning.
"Momma, I wanna go to the fair," Alexia claims loudly.
"Fair!" Austin screams.
With a sigh, Justice leans against the counter and nods her head. "Yeah, yeah, later though."
"Let's go get ready!" Alexia tells her brother loudly, and together they run off.
Their mom tries tell them it's going to be a few hours but they don't listen, they're too excited.
"Isn't it early for fair season?" I ask. I'm not sure how it is here, but I thought it was usually closer to fall for most states. What do I know though, this is my first time leaving Nebraska.
"It's not a fair," she informs me. "It's this stupid ring ding of a carnival that isn't really trustworthy, but the kids love going and I figure I may as well bring them when it does come to town. You and Jaron should join us." She perks up when she mentions that. I have a feeling she really misses her brother, they must not see each other often.
Shrugging my shoulders, I tell her it's up to Jaron. She nods understanding, then sips her own coffee. A silence falls over the home around us. You can't even hear the kids. Placing her mug down, she reaches into one of the cupboards and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "Don't judge me," she says earnestly, adding a little humor to her voice. "I need one once in a while."
"No judgment from me."
With a smile she says, "Good." Then heads to the back porch. "Do you want to join me?"
Since I'm used to the smell anyways, I hop from the stool. "Sure," I tell her.
There is a large swing on the porch with a glass table in front of it. She sits on the large benched swing and throws her legs onto the table, relaxing. Maybe she doesn't enjoy being the perfect house mother after all, but she had me damn near fooled. Her life is exactly how I wish mine would turn out, I don't understand her unnecessary stress.
Taking a long pull of her cigarette, she blows out the smoke and closes her eyes, relaxing into the cushion behind her. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. "I don't like the habit, but I need these moments once in a while, and I figure it’s better than being drunk on wine all day long."
"You seem really stressed," I mention out loud. It's not my business and I won't push for it, but I want her to know I'm here to listen. It's not like I'll ever tell anyone and I probably won't ever see her again anyways.
Peeking one eye open she looks at me, like I stated the obvious. Closing it once more she nods her head. "Who isn't stressed in life?"
"Touché."
A loud roar of a big truck’s engine echoes from the other side of the house. Justice perks up quickly, pushing her cigarette into the wood below our feet, then she places the butt into her package before walking into the house, not saying a word. I follow slowly after her, and spot as she hides the pack back in the cupboard then washes her hands. It amazes me to see her try to hide something that isn't even bad. Would her husband truly hate her for smoking a cigarette now and again?
Again, not my business, I remind myself.
She starts to head to the front door when she seems to realize I'm standing there. "Please don't say anything to Jaron either," she asks.
"I won't, I promise."
With a deep breath she continues to the front door, welcoming her husband as he walks through. Jaron follows in behind him, covered in some kind of oil. The smell hits my nose hard and reminds me of my dad. He came home smelling of oil often, because of that I love that smell. It almost hurts my heart to smell it so strongly though, making some memories play in my head like a home video.
Justice takes their boots, placing them in the closet next to the entrance, then holds out her hands for their shirts to get washed. The gestures are somewhat sweet but remind me of my mom and Bruce. It's as if she's required to do all this for him, and he's gotten so used to it he doesn't appreciate what she does for him anymore. I suppose even in the best of relationships the appreciation stops. It makes me sad to think of.
Jaron walks over, shirtless and sweaty. The dirt on his face actually looks incredible against the white of his smile. Biting down on my lip, I hold my own smile back. "Have a good morning?" I ask, not sure what else to say to him.
I think it only adds to his smirk. "It was tiresome but felt good to get out before the heat hit. I'm going to jump in the shower if you don't mind."
"Of course not," I tell him.
He walks past me, bumping into me slightly when he passes but I'm not certain why. Either way, the smell of him hits a lot of sensations of mine.
"We're heading to the carnival later," Justice tells him. "Want to join? The kids would love it."
He peaks over his shoulder, first at his sister then at me. "Want to go?"
"Oh, um, yeah, sure." It shouldn't be up to me. He is in control of this little adventure, not me. A carnival sounds fun though, I can’t remember the last time I went to one. It had to be when Dad was still alive.
With a chuckle he looks back at his sister. "Sure. Mind if I eat first?"
"Yeah, I was planning on doing a lunch in about an hour. We can head out after that if y'all want?"
"Sounds good to me," Jaron tells her then heads up the stairs, taking two steps at a time.
Chapter Eleven
The bright lights flashing against the already sunlit sky brings me back to my childhood. I become giddy walking through the gates of the carnival, even if I'm not participating in any of the fun. I know I'll have enough happiness simply watching his niece and nephew go on the rides.
When we get up to the ticket counter Justice asks for six bracelets, one for each of us. "Uh, no, that's-" I start to protest, but Jaron stops me by whispering in my ear. I can't even register what he says because I become too concentrated on the feeling it gives me. I'm sure it's something along the lines of allowing her to buy it for me.
When it’s my turn to receive the bracelet on my wrist, Justice makes a comment on my hairs standing on end. "A bit chilly?" she asks. "You're covered in goosebumps." With a wink she turns to speak to the kids. I can only imagine my face is flushed with embarrassment.
I run my hand up and down my arm to rid myself of the goosebumps, most certainly not caused by the temperature in the air. "A little," I say out loud anyways. Jaron looks down at my arm but doesn't make a remark about it.
As a group we walk over to the kid rides. On the first ride- the super slide that has to be at least forty feet tall- Alexia asks for me to ride down with her. I take her hand and together we climb to the top of the slide then ride down on a dirty brown mat together. She screams out with excitement the whole way down the hilly slide. Once we're out of the gate, she asks to go a second time. Her brother stands aside, watching us go down, too nervous of the height, even with his dad and Jaron both offering to go with
him.
Eventually we make our way to all the kid sized rides once. Before we can start round two, the kids are already asking for food. They instantly run together to the cotton candy stand but I hear Justice tell them they need something more filling and the cotton candy will be saved until the end. Jaron bumps my shoulder, stealing my attention from there and from my thoughts. I would have loved growing up the way they do. I want that for my future, for my children. The love Justice has for her children- every child deserves that.
"Let's go on a few of the big kid rides," he suggests comically.
"Are you sure? I don't want to leave your sister."
He perks up a brow. "You got a thing for my sister I don't know about?"
"Ew." I shove his shoulder with my hand. "That's disgusting to even joke about."
With a laugh, he grabs the hand that just pushed against him, lacing his fingers through mine. My breath stops. Everything around us blurs away while the two of us stare at one another. He has to feel the same thing I do- the heart racing, barely breathing confusion.
It takes a minute for me to even think straight, and the only reason I can is because he drops my hand. My chest hurts a little when I realize he doesn’t want to actually hold my hand.
Grow up, Ravyn, I tell myself.
"The Ferris wheel?" he asks.
"Um, yeah, sure," I fumble with my words. Everything about what just happened is still making me feel foggy.
He places his hand suggestively on the lower side of my back, helping guide me to the Ferris wheel. A ride that absolutely terrifies me for some God forsaken reason, but for Jaron I'll give it a go.
The door closes on the purple, metal bubble, then we slowly ascend into the sky. I have to look straight because if I look down I'll end up sick, I can feel it already. The wooziness. "Are you okay?" Jaron asks, sliding a little closer to me.
Nodding my head, I give him a lie for an answer.
"No you're not," he calls me out.
I continue nodding my head anyways.
"Look at me, Ravyn."
I turn my head ever so much to look at the bright green of his caring eyes. I assumed he'd be looking at me like I was by far the biggest idiot on the planet for being terrified of such a basic carnival ride, but instead he looks concerned for me. "Are you okay?" he asks slower, making it known I need to answer him honestly.
I stop nodding my head instantly to shake it back and forth. "I hate heights," I answer quickly.
"You need to start standing up for yourself, Ravyn." The tenderness in his stare begins to burn into mine. I can't figure out if he's actually angry or not. Then he adds in with a sweeter tone, "But I'm proud you're facing one of your fears."
"You're confusing," I say softly, unable to speak normal.
The side of his lip lifts amusingly. "Just another thing we have in common, I suppose."
"What else do we have in common?"
Looking away he answers, "Too much." Then quickly changes the subject. "We're going to have to leave in the morning. I wanted to today but I needed this one last night here."
"That's okay. I hate borrowing your sister’s clothes anyways. I need my own. I think my boss is going to have my ass, too. I missed work today."
His head twists fast and I know for a fact the look on his face is of outrage. "What? You didn't tell me you had to work today."
"I don't care," I tell him honestly. "She knows... a lot. She isn't going to be mad about missing one day." I hope.
"When are you going to start being more vocal?" he asks- this time his question is full of accusation. I can admit, it hurts. I understand completely that I'm not someone who sticks up for myself, I've learned where it gets me. I'm better off agreeing and going with the flow rather than having a say in things. He knew that about me, so he doesn't have the right to get angry with me for being... me. Maybe he can't love me after all. I'm not his kind of woman, obviously.
Instead of answering, I look over the edge regardless of my fear. It's better than looking at a face of disappointment. A ball forms deep in my throat, but I can't tell if it's out of panic or rejection.
When the ride stops at the very top my heart starts to beat twice as fast. My anxiety slams into me full throttle, making me sweat and start to hyperventilate. I can't stop him from seeing the freak within. His arms pull on me, pulling me into him so quickly that I don't have a moment to think. "Shh," he whispers. "It's okay, Ravyn. I'm here. I'm here for you. Shh. Breathe. Breathe, baby, just breathe."
I concentrate on his words, on his hold, on my breathing. Deep breath in, slow breath out. Repeat.
He continues to calm me down with his words.
"Baby, breathe," he tells me. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here..."
When the anxiety fades away and my heart no longer feels like it's tightening in my chest, I start to cry. I actually cry in front of someone, and even with the embarrassment of the tears, I continue to let them go.
"What's wrong? Is it the height?" he whispers loudly.
I shake my head slowly back and forth, because although that is what triggered my attack, it isn't at all what caused me to cry. It was his words and sanctuary of his hold, the things I was craving before are ruining me because I have no idea what we are. What this is. Why in the hell he’s holding me, saying those sweet things, when we're nothing more than acquaintances. He is hurting me by showing me the love I so desperately crave.
Right now, I hate it. All of it.
Of course I can't say that to him. As he mentioned seconds ago, I’m not a vocal person. I can't express myself and my feelings. Apparently I can show them after all, but to spew the words racing through my mind is impossible.
Placing his palms on either side of my cheeks, he directs my attention entirely on him. There is so much seriousness in his expression. He tends to be serious so often I feel like he's a decade older than me.
I realize that I have no idea how old he actually is.
There is still so much I don’t know about Jaron, but what I do know about him is damn near perfect- at least in my eyes.
Before I can ask him his age, he steals my heart a bit more than he already has. "I never want to see tears falling from your face," he says.
"I can't help them," I answer back with honesty. I hold them back so often that when they do fall, it's hard to stop them.
"I get it. Life's toxic. It's an asshole. We all have our anxieties and heartaches and fears. That's not why you're crying though. I know it’s not. Tell me... why are you crying, Ravyn?"
"Why do you say my name like that?" I snap.
"I didn't realize I said your name any certain way."
I pull his hands from my face, tucking strands of hair behind my ears. When it becomes hard to speak, I play with the ends of my hair out of nervous habit. Anything to keep myself distracted, but nothing distracts me more than Jaron Spilner. Nothing.
"Like you..." I don't want to say it.
"Like what?" His voice comes out soft and meaningful, with just enough demand to make it happen.
I should slap him for being so naive. For making me say it out loud. "Like you actually... care."
He stares at me peculiarly then without warning the soft heat from his lips press against my mouth in such a force I'm surprised the ride doesn't explode from the sparks pouring out between us. His lips move against mine slowly, mesmerizing me. Caressing me in a way that I've never known before.
Resting his forehead against mine, he stops our kiss far too soon, leaving me breathless and weak, to the point I can’t even keep my eyes open. There are no words to explain the power I felt between us. All I know is I want more of it, and I never want it to end.
"Don't ever question how much I care for you ever again."
The ride stops suddenly, rocking our cart. "Next," the conductor hollers. Peaking around Jaron I see that it's our stop. With weakened knees and a light head, I stand up and make my way off the ride, Jaron mere inches behind me. I can feel the heat of his body aga
inst mine, soaking into me.
Stepping from the ride, he grabs my hand and twirls me into him. Our eyes meet as I patiently wait for our mouths to collide once more, but they don't seem to be magnetized in the way I had thought because Jaron doesn’t pull that close to me again. Instead he stares at me, eye to eye, like he's reading some kind of book.
"I loved you the moment I saw you, Ravyn. Every second after that I've learned how to fall in love with you. You're so much more special than you'll ever know, and you're definitely more deserving than the love I can give you."
"I think that's up for me to decide," I tell him in a demanding voice. I can sense what he is doing. He is confessing his love to me and taking it all right back. Nothing has ever been more of a tease. I have the one thing I've been craving the most directly in front of me, and I'm being told I can't have it seconds after I got the first taste.
Everything is only making me feel ill. My stomach twists at the thought of not being able to call Jaron mine. To have him slip from my hands that easily. What is it about me that makes him want to walk away before we even have a chance?
For a quick moment I swear Jaron is the one about to break a few tears but after a couple blinks, he looks at me with eyes so steel cold that I'm not even sure I'm looking at the same person. "It's not that easy," he answers with a voice as equally solid.
"Of course it's not easy. Nothing in life is easy, that is what makes it so damn special. If it were easy, I'd have been in Texas years ago, or I'd have my dad back, or I would... actually have you." My rage pours out of me, finally telling him what I think. This time without the tears. "It's not supposed to be easy, it's just supposed to be worth it, dammit."
Of all the audacity, Jaron actually smirks when I yell at him. "See, this is one of the things that made me fall for you. You're willingness to suffer for years all for a moment of happiness. I can't do that to you though, I can't hurt you like that."
"You are hurting me."
He doesn't agree, but he doesn't disagree either. We both know the truth. After a moment he says, "Nothing is that simple. I'm… I’m sorry." His voice sounds sincere, and maybe, just maybe, he means it, but it hurts all the same.