Gone? My stomach seizes, followed by my heart. I don’t want to admit it, but now I’m feeling sick to my soul, not just pissed at the world.
“Oh, stop being so dramatic, Paul,” says Darla, pulling her robe around her more. “You don’t need to worry about her. You don’t even need to contemplate being with that fat cow anymore, because I’ve decided I want you back. I want us to be together again!” Her brave mask crumbles, and I actually see tears in her eyes. “I want you back, baby,” she whimpers. “We were good together. So good together!” She sobs her fake sobs, sucks up her fake snot. “I see that now!” She comes closer to my brother, looking to snatch him up. Paul resists her, and this only makes her act out more. Cry and fall over, as if my brother is the meanest, cruelest creature alive. “I need you, baby! No one is as good as you!”
Paul glowers down at her, and I feel an ember of pride despite my dark mood. “You had your chance,” he says like a judge sentencing her to death. “You fucked it up, Darla.”
Not just for my brother, but me, I think, getting ready to do something to her on my brother’s behalf.
“Or,” adds Jordan, as if the whole rest of the conversation didn’t happen, and he’s stuck back at the very beginning, “don’t let one bad thing ruin the rest of a good night.” He steps out of his hiding place, stuffing a handful of obnoxiously-strong taco-flavored chips in his mouth. “Mariah was just for a bit of fun, yo. The idea was not to get serious about her.”
“Unless he already has,” I murmur. I stalk over to Darla, hauling her up on her feet. As I do, my mind wanders to Jane. Her beautiful, hourglass body compared to this skinny piece of garbage. I walk Darla the door, not caring when she trips over herself, or complain at me for being too rough. She doesn’t know how rough I can be. “It’s time for you to go, Darla. Go be with your boyfriend, or whatever he is.” I open the door to our suite and shove her out.
Her only response is an overly-dramatic wail. “He’s just a tourist,” she says. “We’re not really going out. I just got with him to make you jealous!”
The door slams shut on her a moment later.
The scenario would have made me laugh, had my head not been swirling with regret. At how stupid I was not to ask Jane for her number. For her address. Her last name, even! Something to connect me back with her.
But I can’t mourn my stupidity at the moment. Paul’s just as agonized as me. Maybe more, since it was his damn past that came back to bite us. “Mariah’s the only one for me now.” I watch him wander to the window, hearing tears in his voice. Ones he tries to hide.
But I hear them anyway. And that’s because I have tears of my own beginning to close up my throat. I know what you mean. Jane’s truly one in 7 billion. I could travel the world, and never find another woman like her. And I just let her go. I just let her walk out of my life.
Pushing back my own tears, I put a tender hand on Paul’s shoulder. “Hey.”
He coughs. Sucks down some snot, trying to make it look and sound like he’s not developing a soft, squishy center. “What?”
“She’s the one, isn’t she?” I ask.
When he doesn’t answer immediately, I have my answer. She’s the one, just like Jane is for me. In the silence that ensues between us, I allow my mind to replay the night I spent with her. How adorable she looked in her blindfold, and how much she enjoyed being teased by me. My mind then wanders to the time in the café, where she was openly flirting with me as much as I was openly touching her.
Of course, my mind wanders to most recently, in the dressing room. I’ve been with a lot of women. I’ve tried to get them to take risks, but Jane’s the only one I’ve ever spent any time with who seems “born” take risks. To be with me, I realize, admitting the emptiness in my heart I’ve been trying to ignore since all of this shit went down. I don’t want anyone else. At first, I thought I was just getting with her for “relief” from my dry spell. But now I can’t imagine a life without her.
Just then, right when I’m about to succumb to the terror and freedom of that realization, Paul says what I’ve been waiting for him to say.
“Yeah,” he says. Jordan gets up slowly from his perch on the edge of the couch, looking like Jesus has descended. “She’s the one.” I watch my brother grab his clothes and start stuffing them into nearby plastic bags. “And I’m going to get her back, Alex.” That’s all I need to hear. Heart pounding, I dash back into the bathroom as he adds, “I’m getting her back if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Wait a goddamn minute,” I shout, tossing on my clothes so fast I don’t even care when I get my shirt on backwards, or that I have my swim trunks on instead of the briefs. “Don’t go anywhere. I’m going with you, and then we’re going to get a rental car.” Socks and shoes sloppily put on and tied, I get what I need to get on the way. “I’m getting my girl back, too.”
Paul just nods stiffly before heading out the door ahead of me.
I hang back, turning to Jordan. “Check out of here on time for us tomorrow morning, yeah?” I hold his eyes with mine. “I don’t want to get any calls next week about fees, because you dropped the ball.”
Jordan just steps in another handful of chips. “Duh, man.” He glances sideways and me. “It was my card we put the room on, remember?”
The moment he says that, I do. And I feel like such a jackass.
“Oh.” I hurry to the door, hoping Jordan doesn’t decide to bust my balls about it for the next month, “right.” I open the door, and slip myself out. “I’ll stop by your place to pick up the rest of my stuff later.”
“Just get out of here and get your girl, would ya?” As I close the door on my best friend, I hear him add, “you’re making me sick, both of you.”
***
From the resort, it’s a mad dash to a rental car establishment. Before I can even put my car in park, Paul’s out the front seat, and running toward the entrance. I don’t blame him. With it being Christmas, this is the only rental car place we can find that’s open, and has anyone willing to serve us a so late.
Alone in the car now, I start thinking about Jane again. How only an idiot doesn’t bother to say, “Hey, baby girl, what’s your number?”
I laugh at myself. “So, I can fuck her silly on a swing, in a dressing room surrounded by people, but I can’t remember to ask her for her digits?” I curl my fingers around the steering wheel, wishing I could turn back time. That, instead of asking her to meet me at the hot tub, I had asked her for her contact information. Just in case we got separated before we could meet again.
Just when I’m about to drive away, and think about driving myself to the nearest bar where I can drown my Christmas blues in more than just imported beer, a text pings on my phone.
From Paul.
“Alex,” it reads, “here’s Jane’s address. In the confusion, I guess I forgot she gave it to me along with Mariah’s.” Underneath these glorious words, I read my Christmas miracle. Jane’s full address. Under this, the text continues, “go get her, little brother. If you’re feeling anything like me, you know you can’t live without her. So don’t.”
That’s all I need. I don’t bother to reply. I just click the address, and input it into navigation.
I circle my way out of the parking lot and step on the gas, heading as fast I can to the freeway.
I smile, imagining how surprised Jane’s gonna be when I show up on her doorstep. She’ll probably rip me out of my clothes before I can get inside, I think. If I’m lucky.
Chapter 21
Jane
When I pull into my long, circular, fountain-decorated driveway, and park my car just outside the front door, I see Daddy’s home. He’s waiting for me right at the doorstep. He looks tired. About as exhausted as I feel, though I doubt it has anything to do with emotions or broken hearts. Probably just too many hours in front of the computer.
I get out of my car, not making any plans to unpack. There will be plenty of time for that. Maybe when the semester start
s again, and I’ve had time to forget how bad I’m feeling now. How lonely and stupid I feel.
Didn’t think it was possible when I left, but I feel more alone and foolish than I did before this whole trip.
Daddy’s right there as I climb the regal mansion steps, and step into the foyer. I know Daddy can see the sadness on my face. The depression, and I don’t bother to hide it. To try to be cheery for him.
“Hi, Daddy,” I say, walking past him and into a sitting room. It’s filled with some hunting trophies, more than a few pictures of me, and some of his most favorite treasures from his times abroad. Snow globes being one of his favorite souvenirs, they take up more space than any other little trinket.
“Sweetheart,” he says, hesitating to follow me inside the sitting room, “I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it to Aspen with you this year.” Daddy brushes back his regal head of white hair. “I really am, Janie.” He hasn’t called me “Janie” in years. “This time I promise I’ll make it up to you.” He holds up his hands, as if I have energy to fight him. “Spring break. I’ll take you to Cancun for spring break,” he says, as I sigh and flop back on the couch.
“Thanks, Daddy,” I say, feeling tears and frustration well up. “But I don’t really feel like making any more vacation plans for a while.” I sniff, fighting to keep from actually breaking down and crying in front of him. For some reason, I just don’t feel safe being vulnerable with him that way. Not since I met Alex. “Do you mind if I have a little time to myself?” I sit up, but only enough to look at him.
Daddy looks about as lost as I feel contemplating a future without Alex in it. It takes him a stricken moment, but he finally moves away. Turns his back on me, and shuffles into another of the large rooms. Probably the den, where we have a large entertainment area, and where Daddy frequently watches his horse races, football championships. “Whatever you need, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “I’ll be in here if you need me, or want to join me.”
Now Daddy’s the one who sounds emotional. Ready to cry, but of course he never will. Not in front of me.
Like father, like daughter, I guess. I don’t cry until he’s really in the other room. And even then, I keep it under my breath as much as possible. Quiet and controlled, though I feel like I want to just rip my heart out. I’m so, so stupid! I have the most perfect guy in the world, and I don’t give him my phone number! I don’t give him any way to contact me! I press my hands to my eyes, wondering if I’ll ever run out of tears. Aches and pains in my throat. I’ve lost the perfect guy, and now I’ll never have the chance to be with him ever again. I’ll never find another guy like him either! A small whimper climbs into the space from my burdened lips. Even if I wait my whole lifetime, I won’t have another chance at a guy like Alex!
These thoughts swirling in my head, I resign myself to sorrow. I cry until I think I have no tears left.
Then I get up and do what Daddy always does when he wants to just give up; I get myself busy with something productive.
Getting up off the couch, and walking the distance to the kitchen, I take out my phone and call Mariah. If nothing else, I’ve decided to be upfront with her. To tell her the truth.
As always, Mariah is quick to answer. By the time she says, “hello” I’m already almost in tears again.
“Mariah,” I say, letting her hear my pain. Immediately, she tries to calm and comfort me. Ask me what’s the matter, but I stop her. “Before you say anymore, Mariah, I need to be honest with you.” I pause, wiping my nose on the back of my sweater sleeve. “When we were on this trip, you weren’t the only virgin. I was too.” Shakily, I comb piece of my hair over one ear. The one not blocked by the phone. “And on top of that, Alex was the perfect guy for me, and I just let them go.” I squeak that last word, wondering just how many times I’m going to have to cry my eyes out before they are actually dry. “I let him get away because I didn’t think we would just leave like that, but now I have no way of ever seeing him again.” I did leave my address with his brother, but I don’t think he was paying enough attention to notice. I don’t think he’ll remember to ever give it to him.
“Oh, Jane,” says Mariah sounding guilty and self-conscious, “I didn’t realize you were into him. I didn’t realize you had made plans to…” She curses herself here. “I’m so, so sorry, girl! I didn’t mean to hurt your chances with him.” A sigh. “God, how selfish am I?”
“Don’t beat up on yourself, Mariah. It’s not all your fault. I could have given my phone number to him this morning, but I didn’t.”
After that, Mariah and I just hang on the phone with each other for a while. We don’t say anything. We just sit there with each other, acknowledging feelings. Shortcomings.
But finally, Mariah breaks the silence. When she does, her tone has completely shifted. She’s no longer beating up on herself, but comforting me. Loving me. “You know, Jane, it sounds like you and Alex are meant to be together. It sounds like the two of you are such a good pair, the world would be crazy to keep you two apart for long.”
I nod, feeling tears rising again. But this time I don’t let them spill over. “Yeah.”
“So,” she says, “I believe that if people are meant to be together, they’ll find each other. They’ll find a way to connect, even if it seems like everything’s broken down, you know?”
“Yeah.” This time I’m feeling less weepy, and more optimistic. A little warmer inside, and not so negative.
“If he loves you as much as you love him,” says Mariah, conviction growing in her voice, “then he will find his way to you, with or without a phone number.” She pauses, sighing. “I know you miss him. But just try not to think about it too much. Try reading a book.” A small laugh. “That’s what I always do when I need something to distract me from things going wrong in my life.” Another short, meditative pause. “I’m happy for you, Jane,” she murmurs. “I’m happy you found someone you love that much. Especially when you thought this trip was just going to be for me. Look what the universe brought you! A beautiful man who is finding his way to you right now.”
For the first time in what feels like forever, I actually giggle.
“Mom’s calling me for dinner now,” says Mariah, “so I gotta go. But call me later if you want. I’ll have my phone on.”
“Okay.” I’m feeling much better, even though I’m still missing Alex. “I will.”
With that, I hang up and head into the room that holds our extensive personal library. I choose a book from the shelf, thinking I might like it. It was one of Mom’s favorites. About a group of Victorian-era sisters who are caught up in a web of love, suitors and premature death.
I curl up on a nearby recliner, and turn on the light right next to me.
I open the book and begin to read. I do this for at least a half an hour, but try as I might, I can’t focus on anything. Not any of the words or dialogue. It’s just passing before my eyes and into nothingness. My mind is too preoccupied with Alex to focus on a book.
Just as I’m about ready to close up the book, and give up ever being even remotely like my friend Mariah, the doorbell rings.
The moment I hear the ding-dong of it through the house, my heart flutters into my mouth. My heartbeats sink into my tongue, where they become surroundsound. I get up and rush to the door before Daddy has even moved out of the den to investigate.
As the doorbell is about to ring a second time, I pull open the door. When I see who’s standing on the doorstep, I squeal quietly, and immediately run out to hold him. To kiss him. Which he lets me do, without needing permission. “Alex!” I bury my face in his broad shoulder, muffling the sound of my tears. “I can’t believe you’re here! I’m so glad you are!” I pull myself away from him. “How did you get here?” I wipe at my eyes. “I didn’t leave you with anything!”
To all my tears, Alex just smiles. There’s something in his eyes that lets me know he hasn’t been cool or confident this whole time, the way he wants me to believe. “My brother did,” he
says, holding up his phone. “He gave me your address. Once I had it, I came straight here.” Alex holds me. Kisses me underneath both eyes, drinking away my tears. My pain. “Listen, baby girl, you are the last thing I thought would happen to me this weekend.” With these words, I see a bit of a shine to his eyes. “When I decided to take a trip to Aspen, it was originally just for my brother. To get his mind off his ex.” Here, he lowers his eyes. I know why. I can picture the skinny blonde as clearly as he can. “But then I met you, and you changed my whole world.” He raises his eyes to me, takes my hands. “After those couple days of bliss with you, I don’t think I can live my life without you in it, Jane.” He leans in, kissing me lightly on the mouth. “I know I can’t.”
“Then you don’t have to, Alex,” I say, pulling him toward the warmth of the house. Toward the still partially-open door. “You’ve changed my whole world, too.” I kiss him on the lips, but add a little tongue. “I love you with all my heart, Alex. I want you to stay with me forever. I never want to be apart, no matter how old we get.”
Just then — just as Alex looks like he’s about to say the same thing back — his eyes widen. He steps back from me. “Merry Christmas, Sir,” he says. “I was talking with…”
“My daughter, yes, boy, I can see that,” booms Daddy. It’s not a mean or scary tone. Just commanding in the face of what I’m sure is confusing for him. “Who are you and how did you end up on my front porch like a lost puppy?”
I turn to Daddy, taking Alex’s hand in mine. “This is Alex, Daddy.” I stop, realizing I can’t tell Daddy where we actually met. No matter how polite Alex is, Daddy isn’t going to like him if he finds out we met at some super-secret club. “I forgot to tell you earlier, but he’s my boyfriend. From college,” I add, knowing that it will still sound bad, but not as bad. And that’s all that matters at the moment.
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