“Don’t call me a liar,” Lacey said.
“Then don’t lie to me. Dammit, Lace, I’ve done all of this for you. It’s always been you, since the fucking moment I saw you. And now? After we’re married, after Liam and the press and everything, when I think we’re going for number two, you say you’re not sure it’s what you want? Are you sure that any of it is what you want?”
“That’s not what I meant, Hanson. You know that.”
“Well, it’s the fact that I had to keep asking you what you meant that really gets to me. I feel you just should have told me.”
Lacey swallowed, and she couldn’t respond. She didn’t know what she could say to that. She’d been wrong, but somehow, apologizing now felt like she would just be groveling, like he would think she just wanted him to stay. If there was one thing Lacey didn’t do, it was beg.
He walked out of the room, and Lacey didn’t run after him. She knew he was right. She just needed some cooling off time before she could go to him and make it better and they could have make-up sex. At least, she hoped they could.
Chapter 2
When Hanson finally woke up, it was eleven in the morning, and it took him a few seconds to realize where he was. Right, he was in a hotel. Because he’d fought with his wife. Because she hadn’t told him that she didn’t feel the same about the most important thing to him.
He sighed, lying back on the pillows. Why had Lacey felt she couldn’t talk to him about not wanting another baby? Wasn’t it something she should have considered, at least? The fact that she didn’t tell him hurt almost as much as that she didn’t know whether she wanted another child.
He should have seen it coming, though. In the back of his mind, he’d always known that she felt differently about having children. The only reason they had Liam at all was because Lacey had fallen pregnant by accident. It hadn’t been planned. Lacey had always been an independent career woman, someone that had been content with the idea of a life alone.
She hadn’t even wanted to date when he’d met her, for God’s sake. How did he know she was really that fucking into him? He hated feeling unsure like this.
Hanson was thrilled that she’d decided to keep the baby and stay with him, of course, but he should have known something like this was coming. Something to rock his boat just when he thought everything was smooth sailing.
It was just that she seemed so happy now. She may not have wanted a child, but motherhood came so easily to her that Hanson had thought that she’d changed her mind about wanting children. He hadn’t once considered that if she’d changed her mind about having one child, she wouldn’t have changed her mind about more.
Sure, she’d seemed rather down sometimes. He’d told her to mention it to the doctor and she’d reported that it was just normal baby blues. But maybe it was something more, something he should have known to get her further help with.
His phone vibrated on the nightstand, and his stomach tightened. Lacey would try to call him– he knew it. For him to have spent the night somewhere else, not just the spare room, was a big deal. It would have told her how serious this was to him.
When he lifted the phone, it was indeed Lacey’s name flashing on the caller ID. He considered ignoring the call, letting it roll over to voicemail. What was he going to say to her? But he couldn’t avoid her. She was his wife, after all.
He took a deep breath and pressed the phone against his ear.
“Hello,” he said softly.
“Hanson,” she said, and her voice was thick. She’d been crying. He could tell.
A pang of guilt shot through his chest. He didn’t like making her cry or seeing her unhappy. But this was bigger than keeping her happy. It was about keeping him happy, too, and right now, he just didn’t know how to meet her halfway on this. You couldn’t meet halfway with a baby– either you had one or you didn’t.
“Did you sleep okay?” she asked, and he was relieved she’d taken the reins. He didn’t want to ask her if she was okay because it was clear she wasn’t.
“I was up most of the night,” she said. Crying, he added for himself.
“Yeah,” Hanson replied. “Me too.” He’d been rolling around for most of the night, unable to sleep without Lacey next to him but unwilling to buckle on this.
“Where are you?” Lacey asked.
God, he hated hearing her like this, her voice so husky, not because she was turned on or because they’d spent the night exploring each other’s bodies, but because she’d been crying. Because he’d left her for the night.
“I’m at a hotel, baby,” he said. “I just needed a bit of space.”
“Are you… are you coming home soon?” she asked.
He thought about it for a moment. He wanted to run back to her, to wipe away her tears, to hold her, and make it all better. It was so seldom that she needed him, it made him want to jump at the opportunity. But this was important to him. This was bigger than having his ego stroked, and it was bigger than her emotional pain.
“I don’t know, babe,” he said. “I still need some time to think about it.”
She was quiet for long enough that he knew she was biting back tears. God, why was this so damn hard? He felt like such an ass for making her cry, but this wasn’t just his fault. In fact, this wasn’t his fault at all.
“Are you coming back at all?” she asked in a small voice.
Hanson let out a long breath. “I’m not leaving you, Lace. You and Liam are my world. You know that. I just need time to think.”
“Away from me?” He could hear the tremble in her voice.
“I just need time to think. This was out of the blue. This is about the rest of our lives together. I can’t just pretend everything is fine.”
She took a deep, shaky breath, and he could imagine her nodding. He knew her mannerisms, her attitude, and her facial expressions so well. This was what it was to be married, he thought. For better or worse. Well, this was one of the situations where things were worse.
“I’ll call you,” Hanson said. “I’ll check in with you. You haven’t lost me.”
“Okay,” she said, but he didn’t get the idea she was convinced that it was the case.
He wasn’t going to do more to reassure her. His word should be enough. Communication would have to go both ways, and so far, he was the only one communicating.
Lacey didn’t say anything else. She hung up the phone.
She wanted to cry. Her hand was still on the phone, a lump in her throat, and she bit her lip hard enough that the pain distracted her from the emotional turmoil inside her. This had gotten out of hand so quickly, and she had no idea how to handle it.
One moment, she’d been terrified of being pregnant– her period had been late– and the next, Hanson was staying at a hotel. She didn’t know how it had gone from one thing to the next.
Her period had still not arrived the next morning, and she was terrified that she might be pregnant. She was scared that she wouldn’t want this baby if she was pregnant, and then she would feel like a horrible mother. But right now that fear was overshadowed by the bigger fear of potentially losing her husband.
Lacey didn’t even know how long it would take him to come back to her. Part of her was terrified that he wouldn’t come back at all. Hanson had told her he would be with her through it all when she’d fallen pregnant unexpectedly. She knew he was serious about children and family and sometimes– even though she knew it was silly– she wondered if the only reason he stayed with her was because of Liam, because he was so serious about being a dad.
Of course, whenever she thought that, she shrugged it off. Hanson had created a life with her, and it had been exactly what she’d expected of a loving husband.
But now? As soon as he’d found out that she didn’t want another child, he’d left. Did that mean that it really was what it had been about for him all along?
Lacey tried desperately to push it all away, to shrug it off like she’d done so many times, but it was harder n
ow. He wasn’t here. He didn’t want to see her. He needed space from his wife to think. What was he going to think about? Leaving her? Finding a better life?
The pain that came with the thoughts were so intense Lacey couldn’t breathe.
Lacey had spent the whole night crying. She knew she needed to make things right with Hanson. But she was scared of having another child. How the hell was she going to figure this out? She was just scared about everything. About losing Hanson, about having postpartum depression again, about not being a good enough mother for Liam or the new baby if there was to be one.
The phone rang in her hand, ripping her out of her dark spiral of thoughts, and Lacey jumped. She glanced at the screen, hoping to God it was Hanson. She wanted to hear his voice again, wanted to hear him tell her he didn’t want to be apart from her. That they could figure it out, and he was coming home.
It wasn’t Hanson’s name on the caller ID. Instead, it was Lauren.
Lauren was Lacey’s good friend Sadie’s assistant cheerleading coach, but since Brian and Sadie had gotten married, the six of them– the three players Liam, Hanson, and Brian, and their respective wives, all spent time together. Lauren was the seventh person to their group, and they had all gotten very close.
“You have no idea how much your call is a godsend right now,” Lacey said into the phone when she answered.
“Were you absolutely dying to tell me you’re coming the party on Saturday?” Lauren asked, and Lacey could hear her friend smiling.
Lacey hadn’t even thought about Saturday’s party.
“No,” Lacey said. “Hanson left me.”
“What?!” Lauren cried out.
Lacey sighed, rubbing her forehead with her fingertips. “Not for good,” she said, and she heard Lauren sigh in relief. “But it feels like it.”
“Well, I didn’t think he would leave you for good. I know he came across as a bad boy at first but he sure settled down into a loving husband pretty much as soon as he met you. But, I’m sorry you’re fighting. Do you want to tell me what happened?” Lauren asked.
Lacey sighed. “I don’t know that I want more kids. He wants another baby, and we’ve been trying. So, I should have told him about my hesitation earlier. I just kept hoping that I’d feel right about things, that I would be able to make an affirmative decision and not have to tell him I’m unsure. But I can’t do it, Lauren. I just… I can’t.” She took a deep breath and let it out, slowly.
“Why did he leave?” Lauren asked carefully.
“He said he needs time to think. He didn’t know I didn’t want another baby.”
“You didn’t tell him anything at all?”
Lacey knew she’d been wrong not to communicate how she felt. She should have told Hanson a long time ago that she didn’t know if she could deal with another baby. But she’d been nervous to say anything.
“I was scared that he would feel like he was roped into a life with someone he wouldn’t have been with, had the circumstances been different. I was scared that he would feel that having Liam trapped him, and if he knew what I wanted, he wouldn’t be happy with me anymore.”
It was the first time Lacey had put it into words, but she realized that it was exactly what she’d been worried about. She’d been terrified that Hanson would see it as a reason to leave her, that he would think being with her was a mistake.
“Honey, I don’t doubt for a second that Hanson would do anything to stay with you,” Lauren said. “He loves you.”
“Anything?” Lacey asked.
“Yes,” she said. “You should have spoken to him. Let him have his space. Let him come to you and speak about it. Talk to him about what you feel, even this. The biggest problems in relationships start because of a lack of communication.”
Lacey nodded, cradling the phone against her cheek. “You’re right,” she said. “You think he’ll come back?”
“I know he’ll come back,” Lauren said. “But men need their space sometimes, and if he’s asking for it, I think you should let him have it.”
“Okay,” Lacey said. It was so good having friends that she could rely on. Lauren was a great friend, even though they hadn’t been close for very long.
“If he understands your fears, he’ll know what to say to you to reassure you, and you’ll be able to work through this together,” Lauren added.
“You’re right,” Lacey said. “Thank you. Thank you for listening to me vent. I’m sure it’s not what you had in mind when you called me.”
“What are friends for?” Lauren asked, and Lacey could hear her smile. “But I still want to know if you’ll come to Saturday’s thing.”
“I will,” Lacey said and stopped herself. “No, we will. Thank you.”
Chapter 3
Finally, Hanson was done being away from his wife. He didn’t need more space. He needed to be with Lacey.
No matter what they went through in life, they could get through it together. Ever since their fight, things between them had felt very bleak. It was time to work with Lacey to make things better.
Sure, they had their problems, and weren’t always the best communicators. But he was exactly where he wanted to be. He loved Lacey and their son more than life itself, and no matter what, they could make it work. He was sure of it.
Besides, sleeping in a hotel without Lacey had been terrible. All the money in the world couldn’t buy the luxury that Hanson experienced waking up next to his wife. No place could ever feel like home without her there, and being apart from her just made him feel lost and adrift.
He decided to go back home and talk to her. But when Hanson got back to the house, it was empty.
“Hello?” he called out, but there was no answer.
The house was too quiet. With a toddler, there was never a moment of peace, so the silence scared him. What if Lacey had left? What if he had pushed it too far, staying away so long, and now, it was too late for him to make things right?
Hanson took out his phone and dialed Lacey’s number. She wouldn’t leave him, he told himself, but there was still a knot in the pit of his stomach.
“Where are you?” he asked when Lacey answered.
“Are you at home?” she asked without answering his question.
“Yes, baby, I am.”
“Oh, my God,” she said, and she sounded like she wanted to cry again. “I’m on my way to my yoga class. I dropped Liam off with my parents. I wasn’t sure when you’d want to come home and I just felt like I needed to get out of there myself, and turn all my bad energy into something productive, or at least try to. I’m turning around right now.”
Hanson wanted to tell her not to worry, to go to her class, but the truth was, he wanted to see her. She could go to yoga some other time.
He was anxious. He couldn’t relax, even though he knew that she was on her way home. He paced the rooms, walking through the huge house, eager for her to come back.
No matter what they went through, he would always fight for her. He would never give up, never leave. He had regretted the moments that he even considered it.
When he heard her car in the driveway, Hanson rushed to the front door. She was in just as much of a hurry to see him, and they nearly collided in the living room. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. He would never tire of having this body against him, the smell of her shampoo in his nose. God, he loved her.
“I missed you so much,” Lacey said, her voice muffled against his shoulder.
Hanson pulled her tighter against him. “I missed you, too,” he said. “You have no idea.”
Finally, he let her go, and she looked at him with her ice blue eyes. There were so many questions in them. Hanson took her hand and led her to the couch.
“Come on, let’s talk,” he said, pulling her down onto the couch with him. They sat together, knee to knee, as if even that small little touch was enough to know that the other wasn’t really gone.
“I’m sorry,” Lacey said right away. “I should have sa
id something to you about how I felt.”
Hanson shook his head. “There are a lot of things we should have talked about,” he said. “I think we skipped out on a lot of things because you were already pregnant and because we got married so quickly.”
“Do… do you regret it?” Lacey asked, not making eye contact. She stared fixedly at her hands.
Hanson reached for her chin, taking it between his thumb and forefinger and tipping her head up so that she looked at him. “Never,” he said. “I am exactly where I want to be and with who I want to be with. I love you more than you will ever know.”
Lacey nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. “The last two nights without you have been hell,” she whispered.
“I know,” Hanson said. He had hated it, too. “Talk to me, baby. What’s going on?”
Lacey cleared her throat. This was going to be hard. When Hanson had been gone, she’d vowed to tell him anything and everything he wanted to know the moment he came back. Now that they were face to face again, she was nervous to tell him how she felt. But losing him would be worse.
She took a deep breath. “You knew I hadn’t even thought I’d wanted children,” she started. “Although I did want Liam.”
Hanson nodded, and Lacey continued.
“In the end, it’s turned out great. Sure, I had some hormonal issues. But being Liam’s mom has been great. In fact, it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me, aside from meeting you. But I’m still scared of doing it again. Sometimes, I feel like I’m barely handling being a mother of one. How on earth am I going to handle two?”
“That’s what you’re worried about?” Hanson asked.
Lacey nodded. “For the most part,” she said. “I didn’t speak to you about it because I was scared that you would think you were stuck in a life you had no choice over. I was scared that if I took that away from you, too, you wouldn’t be happy here anymore.”
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