by Bry Ann
“Yeah,” I laugh.
“Amazing. I wish I liked books, so I could do this to Adam.”
“I bet you would like reading, honestly. Maybe I can show you some of my favorite books.” I shrug a little. “If you want.”
“Hm, I’ve never even thought about reading before.”
“It’s the best thing in the world. There’s no greater escape.”
“Okay, well, I’ll try it. I’ll get a Kindle and maybe you can loan me a book, if you don’t mind.”
“No, not at all. It’d be awesome to have someone to talk books with.” I look up and take a deep breath. “Rose, do you have a Kindle?”
She smiles. “I do, though I admit I haven’t picked it up in ages.”
“Want me to send the book to you too? We can have like… a reading club?”
I swear my cheeks are ten shades of pink right now, but if Lacey and Rose think I’m stupid, they don’t show it. In fact, they seem to think it’s a great idea.
“Be ready,” Nix teases, sipping his beer. “Wait ‘til Lacey gets into the paranormal books, Adam.”
I choke on the air in my lungs as my eyes widen. He’s talking about the paranormal erotica that got me all worked up. He thought it was freaking hysterical, that weird demon sex got me horny. Not a funny joke in front of guests, though! I’m gonna kill him!
Adam smirks a little, sipping his water.
“We have a newborn son who is a literal hellion. Our time between 7pm-6am is booked solid.”
My heart warms. “Oh, what’s his name?”
Before everything, before my life took a tailspin, I wanted to be a mother. I love babies. I love toddlers. I love teenagers. I love everything about the idea of motherhood.
“Wulfric. Wulfie,” Lacey murmurs with a smile. “He’s his dad’s son.”
I swear Adam’s chest swells. My heart beats with warmth seeing it.
“He’s a cutie. I have a daughter, too. Her name is Rose as well. Baby Rose. Although, she’s not really a baby anymore. She’s getting so big!”
“They are both the cutest things you will ever see. Rose is the perfect mix of Adam and Lacey, looks and personality. Wulf, well…” Rose sends a little smile Lacey’s way. “He’s all Adam.”
I swear Adam is gonna burst, he’s so proud. Lacey doesn’t look at all upset about it. Her eyes are filled with love for her son.
It makes a deep yearning that I thought I’d given up on spread deep in my gut. I feel Nix staring at me. I swear he can read my mind; it’s unnerving sometimes.
Like in this moment right now!
“It’s actually killing me,” Rose continues, “because Sven now wants to spread his genes or whatever and I’m not sure I’m mom material. So it’s a problem.”
Her tone is a cross between kidding and not kidding. It’s actually Nix who responds to that one, ironically. He takes a swig of his beer before turning to his sister.
“Sven is sickeningly crazy about you. He may joke, but you know he’d never ask something of you before you’re ready.”
“Yes, I know,” Rose says softly. There’s a fondness to her voice. She really loves him, despite her complaining.
There’s another awkward silence, but it’s Adam who cuts it this time.
“You should come by the house sometime. Meet the kids. I know Lacey would love it. My home is, ironically, probably a little less intimidating than Sven and Rose’s.”
Rose doesn’t even argue. I guess this Sven guy really is a character. I’m curious.
I look over at Lacey, who has a look in her eyes similar to hope. Hope for friendship. Hope that maybe we’ve finally found someone who understands what it’s like to live with overwhelming PTSD and mental illness.
“I’d really, really like that,” I whisper.
Lacey fiddles with the end of her sweatshirt, happily. Adam seems satisfied by my answer. All that’s left is Nix. I look over at him. He’s looking around the room with almost shock on his face. It’s then I realize, as his partner, I always forget his life has been just as tragic as mine. Just as lonely and unloved.
I get off the barstool and walk over to him, curling myself around his arm. He jolts out of his little trance and smiles at me.
“Hey,” he whispers. “They love you.”
“Thank you for saving me, Nix,” I mumble tearfully.
He curls his hand around the back of my head where no one can see, while they all continue talking.
“For the first time since I was five years old, I can pass a mirror without wanting to smash it. I owe you more than I could ever repay. You stayed loyal to me for five long, hellish years, and I’ll spend every day of my life making it up to you.”
He squeezes my hand and goes back to the party, with his playful, cocky persona all in place.
Meanwhile, my heart is beating nearly out of my chest. I did it. That’s all I wanted for him. Since the day we met.
I watch as Rose punches Nix and he teases her. I watch as he and Adam talk serious business, and he doesn’t once let his emotions falter or show. I watch the careful way he talks to Lacey.
And smile.
Because only I know that under all that, he’ll always be my beautiful, broken boy.
“I was sixteen,” I whisper, tucking Pamela and the pillow in close to me.
Lacey’s face becomes pained. “I was around nineteen. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine being any younger than that.”
I nod a little.
Lacey and I have become closer than I could have ever imagined possible. Especially so quickly. Rose and I are close, too. She’s kind and gentle. We both share a common love for Nix, but Lacey and I share a bond few do. I know Rose doesn’t mind. She and Maria have grown closer and me and Lacey have grown closer. That’s life. It doesn't mean we love each other any less.
Lacey and I are sitting in a small little room, drowning in pillows and blankets. Opening up. I never thought the day would come where I’d share what happened in hell with someone. I mean, Nix barely knows. But Lacey understanding the shame I live with every day made me more inclined to share, and now, here we are.
We both need this, I think.
“I’ll start,” Lacey murmurs. “I was sold. My parents sold me for money. Our house was going under. I have a baby brother. An amazing, beautiful tech geek.” She smiles big. “We had to make sure he had a home.”
My eyes widen.
I wanna say sorry so badly, but we had one rule going into this.
No apologizes. No fake platitudes. Our situations are too big to warrant such small words.
“Your turn.”
She elbows me. I open my mouth, but the words get lodged in my throat. Lacey softens and takes my wrist in a show of support.
“My parents didn’t love me. My dad does now. He’s done everything in the world to make it up to me. My mom, though, she’s not great. But growing up, neither were. I wanted to be loved so badly, I fell in with the wrong guy. He had me eating out of the palm of his hand. I was an easy target,” I shrug. “Anyway, he wanted me to move in with him at sixteen. I said I couldn’t. I was just a kid. He was very mad, and on my way to his house the next day, I was kidnapped and woke up in…”
Flashes of my time in the basement send me teetering between then and now.
“Sage!”
Lacey takes both of my hands and shakes me a bit.
“You’re here with me. Not there. Not with them.” She spits the word like venom. She would get it.
“Thanks,” I mutter, still feeling woozy.
“Sage, have you talked to anyone about this?”
“No way! I lived it. I don’t want to again. I’m only telling you ‘cause, well, you get it.”
“Sage, therapy is not about reliving the trauma. It’s about dealing with it so you never have to relive it again.”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t sleep,” she says flatly.
“I do eventually,” I counter with an eye roll.
She grabs Pamela an
d swats me over the head with her. I laugh a little.
“Okay, you’re right. It’s not healthy.”
“Go to therapy.”
“I don’t—”
She completely talks over me. “I know Nix can afford it. I have recommendations.”
“I’m not sure…”
“Say yes.”
Those telling grey eyes dig into me. When I don’t respond, Lacey sighs and pushes to her feet. For a second, I think she’s quitting on me, but that worry is put to rest when her hands go to the end of her sweatshirt and she lifts.
I force my face to remain neutral, but my insides are scattering all over the place.
All over her body are deep scars. White and deep. Burn marks. Cigarette marks. It’s bad. No wonder Cut has inspired her so much.
“If I can do it, you can do it.” She extends her hand. “Do it with me.”
I stare at her hand. My whole body starts to vibrate. My hands tremble. But I reach out quickly and grab onto her hand for dear life.
“Okay.”
“I’ll get you recomm—”
We’re cut off. “Frances,” I hear Adam snap. “This is the last shit I need right now. Be sure before we all go to battle for you.”
“It’s not for me,” a deep voice responds.
“Get this if you’re gonna be a decent anything to that psycho downstairs: if it’s for her, it’s for you.”
“Daddy!”
Lacey stands immediately and runs to the hall. A whole wad of curls is running at us. Behind her is an older lady holding a beautiful baby boy.
“Business is done,” Lacey commands her husband and the two handsome men next to him. Like, commands three top tier mafia men. Whoa. I wanna be like that.
“Yes, little dove,” Adam murmurs. Well, I guess I know who the real boss is.
“Mommy!” The curly little girl runs all the way to Lacey. She’s wearing a fairly intense black and grey dress with a black headband strapped messily around her curls. Very baby rocker chick.
“Hi, Rose.” Lacey scoops her up and gives her nose kisses. “Are you helping your new baby brother?”
“Yes! Radar wuvs him. I’m gonna be suwonded by boys, Mommy.”
“Be tough and you’ll love it.”
“I am tuf!”
“I know,” Lacey giggles. I’m giggling, too. Lacey’s raising a strong little girl, that’s for sure.
“Okay, let me say hi to Wulfie, okay?”
Rose squiggles and Lacey sets her down. Rose runs at Adam and goes through the same conversation again basically, but he listens, enraptured, like it’s all brand new to him. Wow, he’s a great dad. It’s so adorable. My heart squeezes seeing someone like him with a little girl, sporting shiny curls, wrapped around his finger.
I want that.
I shake my head.
Stop it, Sage.
Lacey goes to her son and scoops him up.
“Hi, my little warrior. I hope you had a good day.”
I’m not lying when I say this little thing makes two little baby fists and pumps one. Lacey giggles so loudly that it catches Adam’s attention. The look he gives her makes my heart stop. He adores her.
Lacey bounces the baby on her hip and goes to the second handsome man. Not the one Adam was talking to. Frances. Not him. No, it’s the big man with the beard she talks to.
“Hi, Seven.”
“Ma’am.”
The man nods curtly. He has the demeanor of someone in the secret service.
“I told you, you can call me Lacey, Seven,” she says softly.
He looks directly to Adam, his boss. Adam has set Rose down now, but she’s pulling hard at his pant leg, trying to get his attention. He sends a quick, firm nod Seven’s way and goes back to his daughter, dropping down to his toes so he can be at her level.
Frances, the handsome, lighter-haired man, rolls his eyes and walks off. Lacey warned me about him. She said he was bad news and to stay away. Then she spilled some secrets. Like the fact that Adam is in a whole world of shit because Frances committed to helping this girl. Lacey said she was crazy. Of course, Lacey said it much more delicately than that. I think the only reason Adam is going through more drama is because, one, he’s loyal to his men and, two, according to Lacey, it is completely unheard of for Frances to help anyone.
“Okay, Lacey.” He says the word like it burns his tongue. “What can I do for you?”
“Nothing. Just saying hi.”
“Hello, Lacey.”
Somehow he manages to say Lacey’s name like he’s still calling her ma’am. This man is a wall.
Lacey sighs. “Well, good talk.”
Seven goes back to staring straight ahead. I look at her and she shrugs.
“He’s always like this,” she mouths.
I bite my lip to hide my laughter. He’s fun. Not. I guess this is the mafia. It’s not for men who are “fun”. I got blindsided by Adam and Sven, because they both have softer sides when it comes to their families.
“Seven!” Rose squeals like she just noticed he was there.
She leaves Adam and runs at him and hugs his leg. For the first time, he falters. He visibly struggles to keep his stoic mask in place.
“Up! Up!”
She opens and closes her hands in front of him. I see Adam throw an amused expression over his shoulder.
Seven looks pretty much horrified that this is happening in front of his boss and his boss’s wife.
“Seven,” this child scolds pointedly at the giant man, thrusting her arms up once more. I’m full-on red in the face from trying so hard not to laugh.
He stiffly reaches down and scoops her up. He’s so big and she’s so little. It’s actually the cutest thing in the world. Based on facial expressions, no one disagrees.
Rose grabs Seven’s face. “Your beawd huwts my fingewrs…”
“I’m sorry about that,” he says stiffly.
She lets her hands go and leans into his ear. She tries to whisper, but she doesn’t know how to keep her voice quiet yet and we’re all watching them, so we all hear what she says.
“Can you play bear agwain with me and Radar?”
Everyone in the room loses it. We all bust out laughing. I mean, he is huge and hairy. It’s fitting. Seven glares at us as he sets her down.
“No.”
I wince. Oh, she’s gonna cry. I immediately realize I’m wrong. Not Lacey’s daughter. She cocks her hip and plants her hands there.
“You don’t have to be mwean, Seven. Bad.”
She shakes her head like she’s disappointed in him. Adam is laughing his ass off. Lacey’s giggling loudly. This is hilarious. Lacey walks over to Adam and whispers something in his ear. He nods and she comes back over to my side.
She takes my hand and leads me from the room, still laughing.
“Adam’s got the kids,” she tells me. “I’ll take you home.”
“Oh no, you don’t have to come.”
She side-eyes me. “None of the men I know personally are free. Therefore, I come with you.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” I murmur, Ronald’s face flashing once in my mind.
“You remember your promise, right? You’ll talk to someone.”
My heart skips a beat. “Yes. Promise.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
I’m so scared. I hope I’m wrong about therapy. I really hope so.
Why is everything worth having so terrifying and hard?
Three Months Later
Nix
“I’m gonna throw up.”
“Nix,” Rose giggles, “she’s gonna love it. This is so cute.”
“What if she doesn’t want this?”
“Want what?”
“To marry me,” I murmur.
My sister’s eyes widen. She only pauses a moment before immediately running over.
“Look at me, Nix. No chance in hell. That woman adores you, and you adore her. Your love is next level. It’s just paperwor
k. Besides,” she grins mischievously, “you gotta get this outta the way so you can start having babies.”
“Babies?” I choke.
She throws her head back and laughs. “Oh, my big, bad brother, you’re so oblivious. Your girl has baby fever. Do you see her eyes when she sees Lacey’s kids or even hears about them? She goes doe eyed. You two have never discussed children?”
“No! Fuck, no. What?”
“Oh, bro,” she says as she squeezes my shoulder, “you’re in for a lifetime of surprises. I can’t wait to be a part of it.”
She winks and goes back to arranging the flowers. I move Pamela and take a deep breath.
Why is this so fucking scary? Why is everything worth having so damn terrifying?
Sage
I head back to the house. Therapy was particularly hard today, but my therapist is careful with me. She doesn’t make me lay all my cards on the table at once. The process of healing has been slow and steady.
Therapy is right down the road, so I walk there. Walk. It’s amazing. The sun is bright and warm on my skin. The birds sing. It’s all so gorgeous. I almost wanna cry every day.
I push the door to our home open and immediately know something’s not right.
“Nix?” I call shakily.
“It’s okay. Don’t be scared.”
That’s when I see it. The small vases of flowers on the table and barstool. Pamela by a tiny black box. Nix in a suit. A. Suit. My Nix.
Oh no. My eyes immediately fill with water.
“Nix?” I whimper.
He comes over and wraps me in his strong arms. He gently leads me to the couch. My whole body is vibrating so hard that if he wasn’t being so sure to keep one hand on me at all times, I’m pretty sure I would topple over.
“Sage, I love you so much.” He rubs my hair with a large hand. “You’re my first real example of what love is, and princess, I love you so fucking much.”
He squeezes my face passionately before dropping to a knee.
I break down crying.
He grabs the little black box from Pamela and slowly opens it with water in his eyes.
“Sage Briar-Rose, will you marry me?”