by Emilia Finn
She’s killing me. “Okay. Ah…” I turn my feet ready for my escape. “I have to go for now, but I’ll see you--”
“You’re going to be at breakfast?” Nelly checks the gold watch on her petite wrist. Mr. Kincaid must’ve been a giant to create the son’s they did, because Nelly isn’t huge. She’s got an amazing body actually. I hope I look like her when I’m fifty. “These girls won’t last much longer, so we’ll be heading down for breakfast very soon. We’ll see you there, right? Evie’s been asking after you.”
Damn her for using the bug against me. “Yeah, I’ll be down soon.” That was probably a lie. I want to see Evie, but I don’t think I can face the family over coffee and eggs. I turn away from her and take a couple steps before Nelly calls out again.
“Hey, Casey.”
I let my head hang. Just let me go already! I turn my face back to hers. “Yeah?”
“Don’t break his heart, okay? He’s fragile.”
God, she has no clue. It’s not Jon’s heart at risk here.
“Yeah. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Alright, honey. I have to make a call anyway.”
As soon as Nelly closes herself in her suite, I fling my body at my own door twenty feet down the hall. I swipe my card in the lock, run inside and slam the door shut behind me.
What the hell have I done?
I run to my bathroom and almost cry when I get a look at myself in the mirror. It’s bad. Really bad!
My hair is pointing in six billion directions, my eye makeup is smudged so bad I’m doing a ridiculous impersonation of a raccoon, and the hand holding my face still has a fucking Star Wars ring on it.
I pump soap into my hands, panicking as I spin the ring and it catches on my knuckle. What the fuck!
Did he have the ring made around me?
“Come on. Come on. Come on.” I pump more soap into my hands and turn the faucet on slowly to help create a lather. “Come on. Come on! Fuck!”
The ring refuses to move over my knuckle and I know my fussing and forcing is only making it worse. I have no clue how much I drank last night, but it was enough that my liver is probably twice its normal size and now the swelling is moving into the rest of my body.
I brace my hands on the edge of the counter as I try to keep my breathing under control. I’m on the verge of hyperventilating and having a panic attack.
Somehow I went from heartbroken and wanting more from Jon. Now it seems he’s my fucking husband, but I’m terrified of when he wakes up and figures it out.
Dammit! I should have just taken his ring… does he have a ring? Maybe he has no clue this happened? Maybe I just won’t tell him then I’ll figure out how to get a divorce quietly. Or maybe we won’t divorce and I just won’t draw his attention to it – because asking for a divorce will for sure remind him we got married. I just won’t ever marry again, and he says he never intends to anyway; maybe this can all be smoothed over and forgotten.
Fuck!
I rush out of my bathroom and toward my suitcase sitting on my made up bed and I groan.
I should have been sleeping in this bed last night. Not Jon’s!
“Sunshine!” I spin at the thump-thump at my door. My heart threatens to jump out of my chest and run in front of oncoming traffic.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Can’t do this.
I stay silent and hope he leaves.
“Sunshine! I know you’re in there. I can feel you freaking out.”
Fuck him.
“Goddamit! What’s with all the noise? Some of us are trying to enjoy our non-baby night!”
Fuckkkkkkk offfffff, Jim!
“Hey, Jim. Casey’s in the room. Won’t let me in.”
“Tink!” Thump-thump. “Open the damn door and let him in so the rest of us can sleep.”
“Can y’all shut up out here! You’re disturbin’ us.”
“Tina,” I hear Jon call out. “Get her out of the room. Use your girl powers and get her ass out here.”
“Tink! Do you wanna come out?”
No. Definitely not.
“She’s not even answering, dummy! How do y’all know she’s even in there?”
“She’s in there,” Jon murmurs against the door. I can literally feel the vibration of his deep voice in my chest. I step away from my bags and walk to my door, and I lay my cheek against the timber and close my eyes. I can almost feel him there.
“Open the door for me, Sunshine.” Jon’s voice slides over me like a warm hug, and I sigh at the tenderness. He’s only tender right now but once he finds out what happened he’s going to freak out.
“What the hell are you idiots doing?”
Could this get any worse? No, it probably couldn’t.
“B! She locked me out!”
“Well what did you do to piss her off?”
“Nothing, I swear.”
“Alright you bunch of idiots.” Nelly’s voice enters the fray, then Evie’s laughter peels out when she likely spots her mom and Aiden in the hallway. Yes. It could get worse. “Go back to your rooms. Jon, take your business out of the hallway.”
“I can’t, Mama. She won’t let me in.”
“So maybe she’s not there. Or maybe she’s pooping.” Oh. My. God. “Either way, be quiet. You’re waking everyone up.”
I jump when my phone vibrates in my hand, then I sigh when I spot Kit’s name. I can’t lie to her.
I’ve been lying to her for years; my way of protecting her. I never wanted to unload on her. I never wanted to upset her, but all I’ve achieved is a friendship based on only the good parts of my life. She’s going to be pissed when I tell her everything. And I will. I have to. I have to get this out. The secrets are poisoning me from the inside.
I hit the green icon as I stare at my left hand. “Hello?”
“Tink, you okay?”
“Yeah.” My words come out on a whisper as I lean against the door.
“Are you hiding from Jon?” Kit’s voice is filled with a smile and I feel my own lips tip up.
“Yeah.”
“Did you sleep with him last night?”
I laugh softly. “I’m actually not sure. I think so.”
“Damn, you must’ve had fun.”
“I honestly don’t remember, but I think I saw a Star Wars movie last night.” And I got married.
“You’re so strange. So why are you hiding?”
“Is Bobby with you?”
“No, his dumbass is still in the hall.”
God, I love her. “I have… stuff to tell you.”
Kit squeaks. She thinks this is exciting. “Tell me!”
“Can you get rid of Jon then bring Iz and Tina too? May as well do this in one shot.”
“Holy shit. What did you do?”
“Just come. And bring me some orange juice. I feel like I’m dying.”
“Alright, we’ll be there in five.”
“You need to get rid of Jon.”
“I will, don’t worry. I’ll get Bobby to take him away.”
“Don’t tell him anything, just tell him to get rid of Jon.”
Kit laughs. “What’s there to tell? I don’t even know. Don’t sweat it, Tink. I’ll be there in five.”
“Alright. I’ll see you soo--”
“Hey, baby,” Kit turns on her flirt away from the phone. “Wanna see my boobs?”
“Fuck yeah!”
“Alright,” Kit murmurs back to me. “See you in a few.”
She hangs up and I shake my head. She’s the best friend ever. I feel awful that I never went to her last year with my shit. Me telling her today is going to hurt her so much more than if I’d told her in the moment. She’s going to feel like I didn’t trust her to deal with it, but I can’t do this any longer. I need to tell her. I need to tell all the girls.
“Sunshine! -- Fuck off, B! -- Sunshine, open the door for me.”
“Jon, let’s get some breakfast.” I hear scuffling on the other side of the door and tears spring to my eyes. I’m ti
red and I’m emotional.
“No! Casey, open the fucking door!”
“Jon!” Aiden’s voice booms down the hall and I jump. “You’ve got nieces here listening to your potty mouth. Get away from her door, she doesn’t wanna see you.”
The single tear spills over and tracks down my cheek. Now I feel bad.
“Tink, it’s us. Open up.”
“Is Jon there?”
“I’m here, Sunshine. Open the damn door.”
“Jon!” Kit’s voice snaps out viciously. “Bobby, take him to breakfast, please.”
“I got it, baby. We’ll see you in twenty.”
I open the door slowly and peek out, then at the first sight, Jon jumps from Bobby’s arms, ready to plow my door open, but Jimmy jumps in his way and stops him. This is a mess. I didn’t expect it to go this way.
He doesn’t even know what the hell happened yet and it’s already a mess.
Tina and Kit enter my room, then Izzy walks in next with Bean already suckling at her breast. She’s literally walking around doing that and my mouth almost falls open at her skill.
“Sit. Talk.”
I sigh at Kit, but I don’t sit. Instead I grab my toiletries bag from my suitcase and grab a packet of wipes to get started on my smudged makeup.
I stand in front of the mirror with my back to the girls as they sit on the edge of my bed.
“Actually, first, who the hell is Sunshine?”
I smile as I wipe away my raccoon makeup and spilled tears. I look at Kit in my mirror. “I’m Sunshine.”
“Jon calls you Sunshine?”
I nod. “He does. He’s called me his Sunshine since… well, forever.”
“True,” Iz says as she strokes Bean’s beautiful face. “I knew that. I’ve heard him a hundred times.”
Kit turns to Iz. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Iz shrugs easily. “I didn’t think it was a secret.”
“So he calls you Sunshine.” Kit murmurs. “That feels strange. I didn’t realize you and he had that kind of relationship.”
I groan then I take a big breath and let it out again. “There’s a lot you don’t know.”’
Kit’s eyes narrow. “What don’t I know?”
I turn away from the mirror and I place my hands on the chair that’s now behind me. I look at Kit a moment longer, then Tina, then Izzy. Izzy and I pause on each other for a long time; she’s the sister that I essentially lived with for a long time. I let out another breath and face Kit again. “There’s a lot. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start at the start.”
“Alright. Ah, Jon’s been my other best friend since the Hernandez fight.”
“Okay…”
“Like, best friend best friend.”
“I thought you and he were simply… sex.”
“Actually, he and I never hooked up till your attack.”
“My attack… Rita in December?”
“Yeah.”
“That was like six months after the Hernandez fight.”
“Yep.”
“But you were all over each other. I actually kind of assumed you hooked up that first night. Even that night at 188 when we all met.”
“Yeah, well, we didn’t. But we went on a date.” I smile at our ten minute date, which was tragically my best date yet. “He and I were just friends….” I prepare myself for one of the doozies I’m going to unload today. I look back into Kit’s eyes. “Somewhere in that first six months I fell in love.”
Kit chokes momentarily even as Iz’s eyes snap up to mine. Tina is watching and listening, but this is all before she joined our group. “Love? Like, how we all love each other, or love love?”
“Like, the kind of love that had me crying because he didn’t love me back.”
“Tink--”
Iz’s eyes narrow. “But he did love you. I heard him say it a hundred times.”
“He did?” Kit demands as her face rounds on Iz’s.
“Yeah, he’s been telling me he loves me since… well,” I look at Kit. “Possibly even before you and Bobby told each other the same thing. But he tells me he loves me like he loves B.”
“But you love him more?”
I nod sadly. “Yeah, I’ve loved him more than that. But he doesn’t want more.”
Iz shakes her head with a frown. “Tink--”
I shake my own head to cut her off, then I turn to Kit again. “So when you asked about me settling for Jon’s scraps that time--”
Kit’s eyes turn sad. “I’m sorry I said that.”
I shrug easily. “It was true, though. I was definitely settling. I was desperate for any little thing he would throw my way.”
“Still, Case, I’m sorry.”
I shrug again then I choose my next words, the next step of my story. “Um, anyway, reverse a little. Iz knows this bit… I was basically living with Jon for the longest time. It was never official, but I mean, I was at Iz and Jon’s house pretty much every night for a full six months.”
Iz nods again. “True.”
“This is big news!” Kit snaps at Iz. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Iz shrugs again. “I honestly didn’t give it much thought. I didn’t think it was a secret.” She looks at me with sad eyes. “Then after the attack you left us.”
I brace myself. “Yeah. I have a giant secret.”
“Oh god,” Kit murmurs sadly. “This isn’t a good secret, this is a bad secret.”
I swipe more tears away.
“What happened?”
“We had sex late in December. For the first time.”
Kit nods. “Okay.”
“Early February I was really sick.”
Iz nods. “I remember that. You looked awful and you were vomiting a lot. Then you disappeared.”
Kit’s hands come up to cover her mouth. “Casey.”
“I was pregnant with Jon’s baby.”
“No way!” Iz snaps as Kit’s eyes spill over.
“But there’s no baby here now,” Tina murmurs sadly.
“No, there’s no baby here now.” I look down at my feet, unable to face my friends. The disappointment still burns. “My pregnancy was ectopic. I found out that day that I went to the doctor because I was sick. He made me pee in a cup, just in case. Test came back positive. I was terrified to tell Jon.”
“Why were you terrified?” Kit asks. “He would have taken care of you.”
I laugh humorlessly.
“I mean,” Kit starts again quickly. “I know what he said after the alleyway thing, but--”
“Oh god,” Izzy murmurs as her own tears spill over. “You never told him, did you?”
“About the ectopic?” I shake my head. “No, I never told him… well, not till that night after the tests. He came looking for me. But there’s more.”
Kit’s hand goes to her own stomach, caressing the tiny bump that’s starting to form. She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, but I feel the lance across my heart because I’ll never get that. I’ll never carry a baby.
“The baby was ectopic. They took it out that day, but they also took my tube. I have one tube left and it’s pretty badly scarred.”
“What’s that mean for you?” Iz asks.
“It means I probably won’t be having any kids ever.”
Kit’s eyes continue to spill. “You had a miscarriage and you had surgery and you didn’t tell us? You didn’t ask for help?”
“Well, not a miscarriage--”
Kit frowns at my nitpicking. “You lost your baby.”
I sigh. “Yeah, I lost my baby. Jon’s baby. And I didn’t tell you because you had literally just come out of hospital. You were weak and sick. I didn’t want to unload on you.”
“You’re an asshole, Casey! You should have told me.”
I feel the hurt bubble in my stomach. I was trying to protect her! “Yeah, well I couldn’t, okay? My heart was broken, like literally, I swear I could feel it being torn open and emptied o
ut. I couldn’t talk about it.”
Iz’s eyes find mine again. “Jon went missing that week too. He said he was with you…”
“Yeah, he came to look after me after surgery. I told him I had fibroids taken out. I didn’t want him with me though. I wanted to be invisible. I hated him.”
“He looked after you for a week after you lost your baby. His baby!” Tina emphasizes. “And he didn’t even know?”
“No.” My eyes find my shoes again. “No, he didn’t know. I was so scared to tell him. I tried to. Then I finally managed to crawl out the other side of my dark hole, I tried to tell him. Then you, Iz, then you happened, with Bean.”
“Oh my god.”
“Yeah, he was so fucking mad. He was mad that you would be so irresponsible.” Iz’s eyes spill over. “Don’t worry, he’s over it now. He adores his niece, but at the time he ranted at me about how stupid it was. I couldn’t tell him; he was so set on never passing his genes on to the next generation.”
I sigh deeply. “So then I had some choices to make. I was unable to have babies. I’d never be that woman again, but I still loved Jon. My Leo,” I whisper to myself. My lion. “I still loved him. I always loved him. So I put on my brave face and pretended everything was fine. Bean was growing inside your tummy, Iz. I suggested the baby shower, because despite Jon’s dumbass being mad, she was worth celebrating. Then I nudged him into decorating the nursery for you. It was the right thing for him to do for Bean, but it hurt too much for me to watch. So I started distancing myself again.”
“So you spent the better part of two years sleeping with the man you’re in love with, and he thinks you’re just a casual thing?” Kit asks.
Iz shakes her head. “No--”
“Yes,” I cut her off, but her face turns angry.
“No! You were never casual to him, Tink. He might be a stubborn ass; yeah I heard him rant about never marrying or having kids with anyone, but you were never casual to him. He loves you.”
I nod sadly. “Yeah, he loves me. He told me a million times. He loves me like he loves the rest of you guys. I’m his friend. Hell, I’m his best friend. But he doesn’t love me the way he needs to.”
“I wouldn’t bet on that,” Iz stubbornly murmurs as she unlatches Bean and sits on her the floor between us. Bean’s big enough now she can sit unassisted. We wait the usual twenty seconds then she lets out a giant burp and I smile. You could almost set your watch for it.