A Risk Worth Taking

by Zana Bell

  His smile was blinding. “I just can’t wait to meet her. We’ll go as soon as we can.”

  We? Cressa was registering that word when his cell phone rang. Adam snatched it up.

  “Adam here… Stella, oh, my God, I just can’t believe this.”

  Cressa didn’t wait to hear more. A father should have privacy for his first conversation with his daughter. As she slipped out of the kitchen, her last sight was of him clutching the phone to his ear as though it were lifeline and he was finally being drawn back home.

  Cressa walked down onto the beach, where she drifted aimlessly, her arms wrapped around herself. She couldn’t go too far or Adam might not find her. This didn’t have to change things. She could still fly over, go on trips with him. They could still have the fun times she’d imagined. He could see Stella when Cressa was in New Zealand. No problem.

  She shook her head to rid her eyes of tears, and dug her fingernails hard into her back as she squeezed her arms around herself. This was ridiculous. She was making a fuss over nothing. So Adam was happy to get his daughter back. Cressa was pleased for him. Really pleased. She pictured his face blazing with joy and disbelief, and felt herself being swept away by factors moving too swiftly and out of her control. She was reminded of the same helplessness that had engulfed her on her wedding day.

  She heard footfalls on the sand and turned just as Adam caught up to her. He flung his arms around her and lifted her off her feet as he planted a smacking kiss on her lips.

  “Now! We’re leaving right now! Can you believe it? We should get there in about four and a half hours. Stella sounded so cute but so grown-up. She’s nine, after all. Amazingly self-possessed. A bit cautious and polite—so damn polite.” He laughed. “That’ll be Crystal! The kid will have been brought up knowing exactly how to behave. That’s good. C’mon. We’d better get going.”

  Adam grabbed her arm, but Cressa resisted and he stopped, puzzled. “What’s up?”

  She shrugged, uncertain herself. “Look, maybe you’d better go without me. Get to know the kid on your own.”

  All emotion disappeared from his face. “Yeah? Why?”

  “It’s your relationship. You don’t need other people there.”

  “Other people? You.”

  She tried to explain. “What I mean is this is your thing. Yours and Stella’s. And Crystal’s, too, I guess. I don’t really have a place there.”

  “You mean you don’t want a place there.”

  “Oh, Adam! You make it sound like I’m reneging on some sort of understanding we have. That’s unfair. I’m leaving in a few weeks.”

  He shoved his hands into his back pockets and looked at her. She felt she had to justify herself. “C’mon, you know I only came for a short time. And it’s been great—it really has. I had been thinking maybe I could come back during your holidays and we could hang out, go look for adventures, that sort of thing. There’s lots I want to do in the States. But this family thing…” She shrugged, holding out her hands. “That’s your trip, not mine.” She realized she was babbling, but couldn’t stop herself. “I’m not the family sort. I’ve made that clear from the start. Heck, I don’t even believe in marriage, and I certainly don’t buy into the whole happily-ever-after.”

  He was silent, deathly silent. He was unnervingly still, too. The shadows had returned to his face. When he spoke, his voice was raw. “You’re really going to do this, aren’t you? I can’t believe it. You’re going to throw away everything that we have together.” He shook his head. “For me these past weeks have been incredible—the best in my life. I’d so hoped you were feeling the same. I’ve been praying that when the time came, you wouldn’t leave. As for your not buying into the happily-ever-after—what, do you think people who marry are in some way conning themselves? People don’t marry out of certainty, Cressa. They marry in hope. Hell, marriage is the biggest gamble in life. As a risk taker, I’d have thought you’d appreciate that.”

  She shrugged again. It was meant to be a helpless, I-don’t-know gesture, but it must have come across as I-don’t-give-a-damn, because Adam’s face tightened.

  “From the moment we met, you’ve been a torment, Cressa, you and your notions of being wild and free. No strings, no commitments. Just fun.”

  His words cut deep. “I thought you were happy,” she cried resentfully. “I thought you liked being with me.”

  “Despite your stupid notions, Cressa, not because of them. I love being with you because I love you, damn it. I love you so much I’ve even toyed with the idea of not doing my MCAT so we can lead the sort of life you hanker after.”

  She was appalled. “That’s crazy. I’d never ask that of you. I know what the exam means to you.” She stopped short, searching for the right words. “Adam, it is you.” The words sounded stupid when she said them, but he nodded.

  “Yes, it is,” he said. “You’re right. We are what our dreams are. There you are, thinking about meeting up a few months a year for sex and a good time, and here I am, wanting it all. It all.” He gave the last words slow, hard emphasis. “I want a wife, Cressa, not just a part-time lover or a long-distance girlfriend. I want a family. Yeah, I want to do the trips that you mentioned, but I want Stella riding pillion. No, I want more than that. I want an SUV packed with kids and camping stuff. I want a family, a home and a career—the whole damn picket fence.”

  High above them a seagull wheeled, uttering its harsh cry. Cressa didn’t know what to say, how to answer. The wide-open spaces of the Galveston coast suddenly seemed too much. She felt swallowed up. She was filled with a need for the green hills of home, for the safety of Aroha Bay. For a world where the scale was reasonable and the people predictable. The men were manageable. Only Adam, she thought bitterly, could make a proposal sound like a challenge. The one challenge she couldn’t take on. But before she could begin to frame an answer, he stepped close and clamped her arms with fierce fingers.

  “Don’t say it,” he said. “Don’t you dare.” His face was very near hers, his breath warm on her cheeks. Cressa couldn’t help herself. Even though her words were pushing him away, her body instinctively leaned closer, as if drawn to him. But Adam held her at bay. His voice continued low, but granite hard with resolve. “You know what, Cressa? I’m going to save us both from repeating patterns. To save you from being the one who quits yet again and me from being the one left. I’ve had one wife walk out on me, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to set myself up to be a groom left waiting at the altar. This time I’m going to walk away.”

  She made an incoherent sound, but he shook his head.

  “No, I’m leaving right now. My daughter’s waiting for me and I’ve got my life’s path. I don’t know whether I can make it work, but I’m not taking any detours for some woman—however much I may love her—who doesn’t know who she is or what she wants.”

  Don’t leave, Cressa screamed inside. Don’t you dare bloody leave me!

  His fingers tightened and hurt her arms, but no way in hell would she admit to the pain. He pulled her to him, and unresisting, she let him kiss her goodbye. If he’d kissed her harder, she would have opened her mouth, let him in, but his lips just rested on hers and she kept hers stubbornly shut.

  “Goodbye, Cressa.” He breathed rather than said the words.

  Then he was gone.

  She waited, the only person on the long expanse of beach. The waves pulsed; the seagull shredded the air with its wrenching cries. She heard his motorbike roar to life and drive off. She waited until the sound dissolved into the air around her. She waited for what seemed like hours. But he never came back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  THE RIDE TO DALLAS was long. Adam barely noticed the road for the first hour. He had just made the biggest mistake of his life. He’d seen the conflicting emotions in Cressa’s face. He could have—should have—talked her around. Been patient. Taken her offer of visits. They might have turned into something permanent. She’d be thinking he was just another Brian.
But they weren’t the same. How had Des put it?

  “They’re too similar and too different at the same time.”

  “Oh, right. Whereas Cressa and I…?”

  “Are completely different and exactly the same.”

  How would Cressa ever get that if Adam didn’t make it clear to her?

  Every instinct urged him to turn the bike around. He’d been unable to stop himself from glancing out the bedroom window when picking up his keys and wallet. She’d just been standing there on the beach, hugging herself. All alone in America. Hell, she was all alone in her life; she just didn’t realize it. Filling it with sisters didn’t change the fact that deep down, she refused to let anyone near. How could he abandon her when he loved her more than anyone else in the world?

  It was because he loved her with every fiber of his being that he kept on driving. He had to. It had nearly killed him when Crystal had left. He wouldn’t survive Cressa deserting him. He wasn’t Brian.

  On the open road, Adam let the bike have its head and ripped up the miles. Think of Stella, he told himself. Don’t look back. Look forward. There’s nothing else for you.

  THE HOUSE IN DALLAS did nothing to allay his fears. As he found his way to one of the wealthiest areas in the city, he could feel his old anxieties of worthlessness reemerge. When he drew up in front of the property, he checked the number several times. The gates were huge, the driveway long and lined with stately trees. Taking a deep breath, he pressed the bell and spoke into the intercom. The gates swung open.

  What the hell did Crystal’s husband do? Adam pulled up in front of the house itself and stared at it as he stripped off gloves and helmet. It was several stories high and seemed to have an unnecessarily large number of windows. Was the place really all for one family?

  He walked up the wide flight of stairs to the massive front door, squared his shoulders, drew in a deep breath and rang the bell. He was relieved when Crystal opened the door, not some maid or butler.

  “Adam.” Her voice had the right pitch of welcome, but her eyes were hostile. “Come in.”

  “Hey, Crystal.” He didn’t know the etiquette for greeting a runaway wife. Kiss her on the cheek? Shake her hand? He settled for a compliment. “You’re looking great.”

  She always had been lovely, tall and willowy. Now she was dressed in an elegant skirt and blouse that enhanced her excellent figure. Her hair, once brown, was streaked with blond and bobbed. He thought of Cressa’s small body, muscular and curvy, thought of her mass of long hair, and his stomach clenched.

  “Thank you.” She turned to lead the way into a large, sunny room with expensive-looking sofas and tables and lavish curtains. A tall man in a white shirt and well-pressed jeans was rising from a chair, and he held out his hand. “Adam. It’s good to meet you. I’m Wayne.”

  If Adam had thought greeting a long-lost wife awkward, he found confronting the unknown rival who had stolen her away even trickier. “Wayne,” he said, adopting Crystal’s minimalism as they shook hands.

  “Have a seat,” said his ex-wife. “I’ll get Stella. She’s out back.”

  The men sat down opposite each other. Wayne relaxed and crossed his legs. Adam perched on a chair and fumbled his helmet from his lap onto the floor beside him.

  “This is awkward,” said Wayne. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I suppose you could start by apologizing for running off with my wife and kid.” Adam had rehearsed speeches a thousand different ways over the years, though most ended with him smashing his fist into the bastard’s face.

  “I do,” said Wayne. “Although, in the interests of historical accuracy, I would like to point out that she ran to me. I was, however, more than happy to receive her.” Then he abandoned his tycoon-at-home demeanor, uncrossing his legs and leaning forward. “Adam, I have felt very bad over the years. If I found out Crystal was having an affair, it would destroy me. I didn’t realize at the time—or didn’t want to face—how horrible it would have been for you.”

  “I didn’t know—didn’t even guess.” Adam looked at Wayne and decided he must be twenty years older. “Till she was gone.”

  Wayne flinched, his eyes steady but watchful. “She said she didn’t tell you anything in the note. I thought that was wrong.” Adam remained silent. “We met in the park. I used to go jogging. She’d be at the swings with Stella.”

  Adam knew the park he meant, with its paths that wound through the trees down to the swings. There were always people running, always mothers with their kids. “It was a long time ago,” he said. “I’m over it. I’m only here to meet my daughter.”

  Wayne nodded. “That’s good. I’m very glad you’re here. I’ve never been comfortable about… But it was Crystal’s decision to make, not mine. You know how she is.”

  Adam suddenly remembered Crystal’s sulks when she didn’t get what she wanted. Her ruthlessness in fighting for what she saw as her rights. Remembered how nice she was once she’d got her way and how he’d be unable to enjoy it, feeling played. Whatever Cressa’s faults, she was always direct and honest. Adam didn’t envy Wayne one bit and could feel some of his hostility toward the man soften. “Oh, yeah, I remember, and believe me, I do understand.”

  Wayne smiled but didn’t say anything. Clearly, he was loyal and loved Crystal. Stella was in a stable family, then.

  The door opened. Adam rose and turned, heart in mouth. Crystal stood with her arm draped over a little girl’s shoulder. She was a thin child, all nose and sharp cheekbones. She had blue eyes like her mother and straight black hair. He tried to see the plump baby in her features and acknowledged with a pang that the toddler was gone forever. He really had lost her. Yet here in front of him was the flesh-and-blood daughter old enough to look for him, old enough to want him.

  “Hey, Stella.”

  “Hey.” She sounded shy, but she was checking him out.

  Wayne broke the awkward silence. “Adam, it’s been a long drive. How about an iced tea? Crystal and I’ll get you something to drink.”

  “That would be great,” He couldn’t take his eyes off his daughter’s face.

  Crystal’s arm tightened. “You go, Wayne. I’ll stay.”

  Stella shook off her mother’s restraint and came to sit down in the chair Wayne had just vacated.

  “I enjoyed reading your Facebook comments to me.”

  Adam sat down, also, legs suddenly weak. “That’s good. I wanted—” He broke off, uncomfortable under his wife’s cold stare as she, too, took a seat.

  I know when your drawbridge is going up.

  “I wanted you to know I was always thinking about you.”

  Stella smiled. She had a lower tooth missing. That was so cute. He ached to touch her, but was afraid of spooking her. Not that she appeared to spook easily.

  “What were you doing out back?”

  “Climbing trees.”

  “Yeah? High ones?”

  “The tallest there is,” she said with dignity.

  “Stella’s also a reader,” said Crystal. “Just like me.”

  “What else do you like to do?”

  Stella wrinkled her nose in thought. “Riding, skating, baseball, running and swimming. And drawing pictures.”

  That’s my kid, he thought exultantly.

  “What sort of skating?”

  “Inline and skateboard,” she said.

  Definitely mine!

  “Stella’s very good at her schoolwork, too,” said Crystal.

  He glanced at his ex-wife, irritated by her interruptions, but suddenly noticed fear in her eyes. Surely she wasn’t afraid he was somehow going to take Stella away, steal her love. Then he remembered Crystal’s expression when she’d told him her parents weren’t coming to their wedding. She’d been devastated and from then on had hated it when he had to go away.

  “That’s good,” he said with a flicker of a smile to Crystal. “School’s important. I wish I’d been better at school.”

  “Mommy says you were a rebel a
nd a dropout.”

  Crystal appeared uncomfortable but defiant. There was the sound of clinking, and they all turned as Wayne reappeared with a tray of glasses and a big jug, already frosting. She shot him a look of relief and he nodded reassuringly. Adam, catching this exchange, felt regret. She’d have never felt reassured living with the hopeless kid that he’d been. Why hadn’t he seen her vulnerability under her poise? She was always a damaged little thing. You couldn’t hope to provide her with the security she needed.

  Wayne chatted easily as he poured drinks for everyone. He asked about New Zealand and Adam told them about the wedding.

  “Stella said there’re photos on Facebook of Sass’s wedding to some surfer.”

  Crystal’s emphasis made Adam grin. “He’s not just some surfer. He was one of the world’s best big-wave surfers.”

  “Even so, it’s a strange choice for Sass. She could have had any man she wanted.”

  “She got the man she wanted.” Adam had to struggle to keep the edge from his voice. Crystal’s snobbery had always riled him, mostly because they both thought she’d married beneath her.

  Wayne broke in smoothly. “You have a brother, too, don’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Cole,” said Crystal, smiling. Cole always had that effect on women. “He was the coolest boy in the school. What happened to him? Did he become a sports star?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “So what’s he doing?” she asked, making an effort at conversation.

  “He’s in prison.”

  Again it was up to Wayne to break the silence. “And what are you doing these days?”

  Adam very nearly dodged the question. However, he was through feeling ashamed of who he was, what he stood for.

  “I’m studying for the MCAT exam. I hope to go to medical school.”

  Crystal’s eyes widened. “You? A doctor?”

  Her surprise was to be expected. If it hadn’t been for his accident, he’d have probably turned into a quite different sort of man. The sort she hadn’t wanted to spend the rest of her life with.