“Hey,” he said softly.
She turned around and there he was. He looked good. He had lost weight and his skin was tan from afternoons by the lake. He seemed nervous but not jittery like the last time she saw him. He had a can of coke in his hand.
“Hey,” she said back. It occurred to her that his girlfriend might have had her baby by now. He had left long voice messages back in the spring explaining to her about how he didn’t find out she was pregnant until after New Year’s and how scared he was about being a father. “So are congratulations in order?”
His cheeks colored and he looked at his feet but he was smiling. He met her eyes again and nodded.
“A boy or a girl?”
“A girl. Josie Louise, Abby named her.”
“That’s a pretty name,” Maggie said, touched to see tears form in his eyes when he said the baby’s name. He was a father. She could not wrap her mind around that.
“She came a few weeks early, but she’s healthy and doing well so far.”
“Do you have a picture?” Maggie asked, not sure what else to say.
Nathaniel fumbled with his phone and then flipped the screen towards her to show a picture of a red-faced, crying infant.
“When was she born?”
“August nineteenth,” Nathaniel said. “So far I’ve only gotten to see her once, but I’m going up there tomorrow, and the plan is for me to visit on Sundays for now, until she’s older.”
Maggie couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have to make arrangements to see your baby. She realized it must be torture for him, and yet he seemed ok, like he was taking care of himself. Unsure what to say, Maggie listened to the kids playing in the water behind her. The smell of hamburgers and hot dogs floated across the yard, and she felt the warmth of the sun on the backs of her arms. “It’s such a perfect day,” she said at last.
Nathaniel glanced towards the grill and Maggie followed his gaze to see that Zack and Claire were watching them. “Do you want to take a walk?” Nathaniel asked.
Maggie nodded. She followed him to the road and they walked slowly up the shoulder. Nathaniel drifted to the left side of the street, beckoning Maggie to follow him. “People are crazy driving down this road,” he explained. He reached out a hand to put an arm around Maggie but then dropped it as if he realized he’d made a mistake. “I’ve had a lot of time to walk and explore in the past few weeks.”
“What happened with your job?” Maggie asked.
“Budget cuts, low enrollment,” he said. “Really, though, they did me a favor letting me go. I was never going to be more than an adjunct there, and I need something more stable than that, something with benefits.”
“So what are you going to do?” Maggie snapped off the top of a daisy from the side of the road and wound the stem around her fingers.
“Come here,” Nathaniel said, stepping off the road and onto a narrow path that Maggie would otherwise not have noticed. He stopped in front of a thick stand of tall weeds with orange flowers. “Look,” he said, stretching his hand out until it hovered below one of the flowers. Then he gently tapped the flower and it sprang open like a little firework.
Maggie laughed.
“Touch-me-nots,” Nathaniel said.
She brought the tip of her finger to one of the closed flowers and watched it explode. They stood there together, laughing like little kids in a shower of flowers.
“I think we got them all,” Nathaniel said after a minute.
He turned and walked along the narrow path, dust swirling in his footsteps. Maggie was aware that he had never answered her question about what he was going to do for work, but she was having a nice time just walking with him, so she let it go. They came to a junction and Nathaniel led Maggie to the left, picking his way over tree roots and rocks. Maggie was glad she had worn flat sandals instead of more stylish shoes. They turned a corner and the path opened up to a little beach on a small, clear pond. Nathaniel sat on a broad, flat rock and gestured for Maggie to join him. She sat and stretched out her legs in the sun.
“I don’t know if you listened to any of my messages, but—”
“I did,” Maggie said. She had listened to all of them. Some of them more than once. And then, when he stopped leaving messages, she had deleted them to remove the temptation of letting them become a soundtrack for her lonely hours.
“I owe you so many apologies—”
“Please don’t,” Maggie said. It felt so nice to sit beside him, to talk and act like the friends they’d always been. She didn’t want to ruin it.
“No, I have to say this,” Nathaniel said. He rearranged himself on the rock so that he was sitting to face her. “That night, at O’Grady’s, when I said I loved you, I know that was the wrong thing to say. I mean, I was speaking like a desperate man because I was, but I do love you, Maggie.”
She sighed and studied the dirt on the surface of the rock. She wished he’d just done as she asked and not talk.
“The Greeks knew about love,” he said, sounding more like a philosopher than a guilty man offering a confession. It was enough to make Maggie laugh.
“No, I mean it,” he said. “Here we just have this one word, love, and it’s supposed to mean everything, and guys can’t say it to each other, and friends can only say it when somebody dies or something, because it’s such a huge deal. But the Greeks knew how to distinguish the types of love. Philia, eros, and agape.”
Maggie knew about this but she hadn’t thought about it in a long time. She vaguely recalled learning about it at confirmation class for church.
“Philia, brotherly love. There’s nothing gay about that, and nothing romantic either. It’s like, I love Zack, he’s my best friend, but I have no word for that. There’s no philia in English. I can’t express it to him. And I philia you, too, Maggie. We can be apart for ten years, but when I’m with you, I know I’m with someone who cares about me and who I can trust no matter what.”
“Is that what you meant that night? You meant love like philia?” Maggie asked. She most certainly did not think that was what he meant, but his speech amused her.
“No,” he said. She could feel his eyes on her and it made her shiver.
“I know we’ve known each other since forever, and we are friends, but we hardly know each other now. You can’t just say you’re in love with me because we were friends when we were kids,” Maggie said, not looking at him.
“I know. I was wrong. I was a desperate man, remember? But here’s the thing, I can’t take back saying I love you, because I do love you. And I’d really like the chance to fall in love with you, too. I want us to start over,” he said.
Maggie watched a dragonfly skim the surface of the pond. She listened to the leaves flutter in the breeze and the insects buzz in the air. What was it about Nathaniel that made her crazy enough to take him seriously? After everything—all those years that she would have leapt into his arms if he’d only let her, and then the lying, the secrets, and now he was a father—she’d have to be nuts to give him another chance, and yet...
“What about agape?” she asked.
“I never believed in it until I held Josie for the first time. The minute they put her in my arms, I thought my heart would explode, and then I knew it. Unconditional love.”
“Do you think it’s possible for a couple to feel it? Is it only for parents and children?” Because that was what she wanted. She wanted unconditional love. She wanted to know that as he got to know her now, he’d still love her, no matter what.
“I think it’s possible,” he said. “I think it’s rare, but it’s possible.”
Finally, Maggie turned to look at him. Her Nathaniel, with those blue eyes and dimples. She didn’t think there was anything he could tell her about his past that would change the way her heart soared whenever she saw him. He wasn’t perfect—far from it—but she always felt m
ore herself with him than with anyone else. There was no one else in the world she could ask about agape without feeling like a fool.
“Okay,” she said.
“Okay?”
“I’ll give you a chance.”
He reached his arms around her and pulled her in against his chest. She breathed the summer smell of his warm skin and let her whole body relax. It felt as if months of pent up sorrow, frustration, loneliness, and despair drained out of her and into the hard rock beneath her. She had no idea what the future might hold for them, but for the moment, on a beautiful late summer afternoon on the shore of a small, still pond, she had everything she ever wanted.
Abby
New Year’s Eve was cold and clear. Just as Breanna had wished, the ground was blanketed in white. The snow glittered in the sun like diamonds. Although Abby’s parents had been invited to the wedding—after all, they’d known Breanna since she was five years old—they offered to stay home with Josie so that Abby could relax and enjoy the festivities. At the last minute, though, Abby convinced them to come to Boston with her to stay at the hotel with Josie. She couldn’t stand the idea of being away from her baby for two whole nights. Not yet.
Nathaniel had offered to take Josie for the weekend, or even to come stay with her in New Hampshire, but Abby wasn’t ready for that yet either. So far he hadn’t been alone with Josie for more than an afternoon. She may have agreed, or at least considered the possibility of letting him stay with Josie at her parents’ house so that she’d know he had everything he needed to care of Josie, but his offer to do so had included the word “we.”
“We can come up and stay with her,” he had said.
As if she would really agree to let him and his girlfriend come sleep in her bed! He was a fool, that was sure. Maggie had come with him a couple of times on his weekend visits, and Abby had to grudgingly admit that she liked the woman. Maggie was always friendly and deferential. Abby did feel more comfortable leaving Josie with Nathaniel when Maggie was around, too, not because Maggie had proven particularly nurturing or skilled with the baby, but rather because Maggie was so nervous around Josie that she would prevent Nathaniel from being his usual, unconcerned, incautious self. Someday, she knew, if Nathaniel and Maggie’s relationship lasted, she’d have to accept Maggie fully, but that day was not today. She had used the “best interest of our child” card to put down Nathaniel’s suggestion, and he had no recourse.
“Do you really think it’s a good idea to have our daughter around your girlfriends?” Abby had asked.
“Maggie’s not just my girlfriend,” Nathaniel had said.
“And what if it doesn’t work with you two? How long will it be before you’re bringing some other woman around? Don’t you see how confusing that will be for Josie?”
“Josie is an infant. She has no clue what’s going on,” Nathaniel said.
“Really? So what’s the cut-off point after which you’ll stop exposing her to your personal dramas?”
“I don’t think Maggie and I are going to break up any time soon,” he had said instead of answering, but Abby knew she’d won that fight for now. Whenever Nathaniel knew he wasn’t going to get his way, he stopped answering her questions. It was his way of giving up without giving in.
Because the wedding was so late in order to extend the party through midnight, Abby had all day to lounge with Josie. Her mother kept insisting that she take some time for herself, but she didn’t need to be by herself to take time for herself. She sent her parents out for lunch and stayed in while the baby napped until it was time to go get ready.
The dresses they had chosen were a deep purple color. They had settled on a figure-flattering style with a halter neckline and empire waist. The skirt fell to the floor. They also all had silvery wraps to pull around their shoulders. When Abby slipped into hers, she wished they’d gone with one of the more fun styles. Despite her mother’s warnings that she shouldn’t expect to be back at her pre-baby weight in time for the wedding (or maybe ever), Abby was actually thinner than she’d been a year before. For her first big night out post-pregnancy, it would have been nice to have a dress that showed off her shape instead of the conservative cut they’d chosen, but at least, for formal attire, it was comfortable, and the length of the dress meant she could wear flat shoes, since no one would ever see them.
Breanna looked stunning in her dress. She’d managed to find one that gave her the illusion of an hour-glass shape. It had a sweetheart neckline and a long train and was covered in shimmering crystals. She had decided to top off the look with a tiara. After all, she said, if it was her one day to be a princess, she was going all in. She also wore white gloves and Pat’s mom loaned her a fur stole to wear in place of a jacket. Breanna was simultaneously appalled and delighted to slip it around her shoulders.
Whatever Breanna’s complaints about Pat’s mom taking over the wedding planning, the event was fit for royalty, and as far as Abby could tell, Breanna loved every minute of it. The setting itself was straight out of a storybook—the “clubhouse” was a grand mansion with marble floors, twenty-foot ceilings, gilded sconces on the walls, and stately antique furniture. Guests were allowed to roam freely throughout the first floor, where there were several sitting rooms in addition to the ballroom where the dinner and dancing would be. The hors d’oeuvres were as lavish as Abby had ever seen—jumbo shrimp, cheese puffs, smoked salmon, imported cheeses, exotic fruits. Dinner was surf and turf. Lobsters on every plate! Abby didn’t even want to guess how much money Pat’s parents had spent on the gala event. During cocktail hour and dinner, there was a string quartet. After dinner, a band played contemporary music. Abby couldn’t help but watch the band and think what a mistake Nathaniel had made not sticking with Jeff and Charlie. The Latecomers were every bit as good as the band at the wedding. But Abby tried not to let thoughts of Nathaniel infringe on her enjoyment of the evening.
It had been exactly one year since her life turned upside down. One year since everything had changed. But when she thought back on the anguish and heartache she’d felt one short year earlier, she realized something she never would have predicted: Her life now was so much better than it was before. She had never been happy living in Somerville. Sure, it was exciting when she first moved there, and it was great to live with her best friend, but she was far more comfortable in a small town than a big city. She felt drained by the crowds and the noise. She preferred her parents’ quiet neighborhood, their little town where everyone knew everyone. She liked the heavy snow that fell in the winter and stayed white instead of melting into miserable, filthy slush puddles. Even if things had worked out with Nathaniel, she saw now that she would never have been happy raising a child in the city.
But she was happy now, living with her parents for now, spending her days with her sweet girl. After New Year’s she was going to go back to work at her uncle’s restaurant, and that would be good, too, but how she savored the days she spent with Josie, just watching her sleep, memorizing the way she scrunched up her little face as if in adorable concentration, letting her happy baby sounds be the soundtrack of Abby’s day. She was grateful her uncle had been willing to give her some extra time off. She’d never be able to repay him for that, any more than she’d be able to repay her parents for letting her freeload for a while. She was so lucky. She knew that. Even if things weren’t the way she planned, she had a life full of blessings.
Abby watched Pat twirl Breanna around the dance floor for their official first dance as husband and wife. They’d taken dance lessons to prepare for the big event. They waltzed under the dazzling Waterford crystal chandelier, Breanna’s dress sparkling in the soft light, her tiara glimmering. As they whirled past, Abby caught an expression of utter joy on Pat’s face as he lead his new wife through the moves. Abby had expected to cry at the ceremony—weddings always did that to her—but when they exchanged their vows, she found herself laughing instead because
they had written their own vows, and they were full of the humor that everyone loved about them. Watching them dance, though, she was overcome with emotion. She wanted Breanna’s happiness to last forever just like this. She knew that wasn’t possible; Breanna and Pat would face challenges and obstacles just like every other couple, but she hoped some part of this day would always be with them. She hoped their photographer captured this moment, the love on Pat’s face, the utterly unselfconscious smile on Breanna’s. Watching them was enough to make even the world’s biggest cynic believe in love. Everyone is always so focused on the ending, Abby thought, but maybe a happy beginning is even more important.
It was almost two o’clock before Abby tiptoed into her hotel room, hoping not to wake her parents and Josie. The lamp in the corner was still on, and her father sat in the armchair holding the baby. They were both sound asleep. Abby gently lifted Josie from her father’s arms and brushed her lips across the baby’s blond, fuzzy hair. She resembled Nathaniel already. Anyone could see it. Abby laid Josie down in the portable crib and lightly touched her father’s shoulder. He smiled a sleepy smile and pushed himself up from the chair. He pulled Abby into his arms and hugged her close.
“My beautiful baby girl,” he said. “Happy New Year.”
“Happy New Year, Daddy,” Abby said, kissing him on the cheek. “Everything go okay?” Abby didn’t recall her father being very hands-on when she was young, but he had taken to Josie like it was his life’s calling. She had known from the start her mother would be an indispensable helper, but her father had astonished her with his zeal for his granddaughter. He was always swooping into the room and whisking Josie out of his wife’s arms so he could hold her and talk to her and watch her do all her cute baby things.
The Latecomers Fan Club Page 21