DJ nodded.
“You are angry that your hands are not responding as fast as you think they should.”
Another nod.
“Anything else?”
“What if I can’t even draw?” DJ’s voice squeaked on the final word.
“Of course, that, too. Anything else?”
DJ took in a deep breath and told Bridget about the session with her tutor.
“Ah, ma petite, do you still not know that you do not have to do it all alone? Talking this out with older and wiser heads is the only way to keep your sanity. Everyone who experiences major traumas and setbacks feels this way. It is normal. But withdrawing is the most dangerous of responses. I was hoping to see you at the barns by now, dreaming of riding, at least being with the other kids and the horses.”
“It hurts too bad.” DJ spoke into her shirt front.
“Your hands?”
“No. Inside.”
“Ah.” Bridget parked her truck to face the outside jumping arena at Briones Riding Academy. A woman DJ didn’t know was taking her horse through the training jumps. “Annie is new since you have been gone. I am sure you will like her.”
The horse in the arena ran out to the left on the first jump of the triple, and the woman cantered around to bring him straight back at the jump. He ran out again.
“What is she doing wrong?” Bridget asked DJ.
“She’s distracted. She didn’t bring him in straight.”
“What else?”
“She dropped him on the takeoff, and she needs to keep him between her hands and legs. Might be using too much leg on the off side.” How many times had she heard Bridget tell her those very same words?
“Now, how do you know that?”
“Repetition. You kept telling me.”
“Did you conquer the bad habits?”
“Hope so.”
“Did you get Herndon to keep from running out?”
“Most of the time. I have to remind myself to concentrate, to count, to do all the things right.”
“Beating this new obstacle will take the same dedication you have always shown. This is a bump in the road, DJ, not an insurmountable chasm.”
Some bump. It feels more like a mountain. Make that a range of mountains.
“I want you here starting next week. Your students are champing at the bit for you to return. I will give you one more class to teach until you are back to riding. When is Brad bringing Herndon back down?”
DJ shrugged. “Don’t know.”
“Do you want to stop in and see the kids?”
No, not the way I am.
“You do not have to, not today. But they really miss you. We all do.”
“Can I go home now?”
“Yes. But Monday you will be here, correct?”
“I guess.” DJ glanced up to catch a look—was it sorrow, pity, disgust?—that Bridget quickly erased from her face. “Thank you for bringing me.”
“You are most welcome. I have three more little girls who want to learn to ride, and there is also a beginning jumping class. Which do you want?”
“By myself?”
“Why not?”
Why not? Why not? I can’t saddle a horse or even brush one. … I can’t—
Bridget stopped the truck in the turnaround in front of DJ’s house. “I will see you. And, DJ, this, too, shall pass.”
“Thanks. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.” DJ tried to open the door but couldn’t get her fingers around the handle, so Bridget came around to open the door for her. Right, “this will pass.”
DJ waved and watched Bridget drive off before limping up the walk. Her ankle ached with each step, so by the time she reached the door, all she could think of was lying down with her friend the ice pack. She stared at the door handle. No way was she going to ring the bell for help. She tried with one hand but couldn’t cup it around the knob enough to turn it. She tried the other hand. No better.
Some names for the doorknob strutted through DJ’s head. None of them were names her mother would approve of. She gritted her teeth. So ring the bell, gimp, and get help. They tell you to ask for help.
Instead, DJ cupped both hands around the handle and, squeezing them as tightly as she could, slowly twisted the knob until the door swung open. Yes! At least I did something! No sounds in the house. Her mother must be taking a nap, and Maria … who knew what Maria would be doing.
DJ limped up the stairs to her room, one foot up a step at a time, and finally collapsed on her bed. She propped her foot up on the pillows and closed her eyes. No way could she take the pain pills by herself, and no way could she get the ice packs. Too bad. Sleep was one thing she could do on her own, by herself.
“But, Gran, it’s so hard.” DJ clenched the phone between her ear and shoulder that evening before bed.
“I know, darlin’, but you can’t let this get you down. You’re a fighter, and God’s grace will get you through this.”
A silence stretched. I think Grace took a hike and hasn’t come back yet. But DJ knew better than to say that to her grandmother. Instead, she sighed. Sighing was fast becoming a habit.
“Have you been reading your Bible and praying?”
How DJ wished she could lie and say yes. But she didn’t say anything. Gran would know.
“Ah, I see. Hard to turn the pages, isn’t it?”
If she wanted to think that, so be it. But true, all pages were hard to turn.
Gran took in a deep breath. “Okay, this is what we do.”
DJ could hear pages flipping.
“I will read, and then you will repeat after me, okay?”
“ ’Kay.”
“ ‘You have not because you do not ask … Ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.’ ”
DJ’s mind played with the words. “ ‘You do not have, because you do not ask.’ ” Have I been asking?
“Have you been asking?”
“Asking for what?”
“Well, what do you need the most right now?”
“My fingers to bend and hold things.”
“What else?”
Another silence.
Gran read the verse again. “Now repeat after me.” She read it again, phrase by phrase, and DJ echoed her.
“Now, I want you to think on these things as you go to sleep tonight. Will you do that?”
“I’ll try.” Oops. Bridget would get her for that. “I … I mean yes, I will.”
And she did. Thinking on those words brought up other thoughts, along with tears, as DJ sobbed herself to sleep. That night there were no nightmares.
The next afternoon, after a morning of schoolwork, exercises, and frustration, DJ woke from her nap to hear the twins coming down the hall.
“Shh, DJ’s sick.”
“She’s sleeping.”
DJ threw back her covers and sat up. “No, she’s not. DJ needs a hug— er, two hugs.”
Giggles preceded two round faces with dancing blue eyes and wide grins. The boys threw themselves on her bed and snuggled next to her with their arms around her and hers around them. Queenie yipped and danced her way right into the middle, ecstatic at having three faces to lick all so close together.
“So how was school?”
“Arthur threw up at lunch—”
“And he had to go home.” One finished the sentence for the other.
“Checkers the hamster got loose.”
“Did you catch him?”
“No, Andrew did. He almost stepped on Checkers.” Both boys shuddered.
“I got a blue balloon ’cause I was quiet.” Bobby dug in his pocket to show her.
DJ knew this was a major accomplishment. Bobby had a hard time sitting still for long. “Good job! Do you think you can saddle General so you can have riding lessons?”
Lindy appeared in the doorway. “I was wondering what happened to the Bs.”
“DJ’s gonna give us a riding lesson.” They bailed off the bed and ran to give Lindy s
trangle hugs.
“If you can cinch the saddle tight enough.”
“Good. We’ll do it all together.” The smiling look Lindy sent her daughter said more than five minutes of talking could have. “You boys change your clothes while I get snacks ready. Then it’s off to the horse we go.”
The boys charged out of the room, shouting down the hall with Queenie adding to the din.
“If only we could bottle that energy, Robert would never have to work again.” Lindy leaned against the doorjamb. “Need any help?”
“You could wrap my foot tighter.”
Lindy did as asked. “How’s that?”
“Better, since I’m gonna be walking on it.”
“I’ll take out a chair so you can sit while they ride.” Lindy stroked DJ’s head and down her shoulder. “Welcome back.”
“M-o-m.” But DJ didn’t put the full twist on the word. She knew her mother was right; she was starting to feel like her old self again.
After they ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the boys ran ahead to get General from the pasture and snap a lead around his neck to bring him up to the barn. While DJ watched, they groomed him and tacked him up.
As usual, he puffed up his belly when they tightened the girth. So Bobby led him around, and when they came back, Lindy tightened the girth by two notches.
“Billy rides first today.” Lindy sank into one of the chairs she’d set up in the shade of the barn.
“How do you remember that stuff?” DJ stood by as Billy used the mounting block Robert had built and swung aboard.
“Checked the calendar.” Lindy ran her fingers through her hair and let it fall back into place.
DJ smiled and watched to see Billy pick up the reins, settle himself into the saddle, and squeeze his legs to signal General forward. “Very good.”
“I think we need to be looking for another horse pretty soon so they each have one.”
DJ stopped in the act of sitting down and stared at her mother. “Huh?”
“You heard me.”
“I might have heard you, but I can’t believe you really said it.” DJ watched Billy walk General around the circle that had been worn into the short pasture grass. “Keep your back straight and heels down.”
He did as she said.
“Okay, now trot when you come by us.”
General shook his head but did as the boy signaled.
“He is so good with them.” Lindy rubbed the back of DJ’s neck.
“Mmm, that feels good. Has GJ had them cantering yet?”
“Some.”
“I like to canter.” Bobby leaned against his mother’s knee.
“Okay, Billy, keep your hands together and low.”
By the end of the lesson, both boys had walked, trotted, cantered, reversed, and trotted a figure eight.
“Boy, you two have come a long way. I am really proud of you.” She rested her hands on their shoulders as they walked up to the deck. Billy turned his face and kissed her gloved fingers. The action was so swift she might have missed it had she not been watching. God, please keep me from pulling back from my family and friends. Thanks for these two and my mom and dads. Thanks that I can walk, sorta. She inhaled the scented air and let her shoulders relax on the exhale. Just thanks.
The boys bubbled like fountains at the dinner table until Robert finally made a referee’s T with his hands for a time-out. “I think you talked my ears off.” He clapped his hands over his ears. “They’re gone! I can’t find them.”
“D-a-d-d-y,” they said together, as usual.
DJ grinned at Robert’s antics and the looks on the boys’ faces.
As the boys and Maria cleared the table, Robert rose and came around to sit by DJ. “Welcome back, daughter. In spite of the short hair, you look and sound more like you than … than …” He raised his hands and dropped them. “Well, you know.”
“I think I feel more like me, too. Did mom tell you what happened?”
“Only that you went somewhere with Bridget yesterday and today you gave the boys riding lessons—which, by the way, they had much been missing. Joe tried.”
“He did a good job with them. They’re learning fast. Did Mom tell you anything else?”
Robert rested his arms on the table and turned his head to watch her. “Like what?”
“About my blowing up at Debra Allendra yesterday.”
“She mentioned it.”
“I figured I was about due to be grounded after that.”
“Well, at least you didn’t break anything, and I have a feeling Debra has heard far worse. The important thing is that you look and sound better today. If a blowup was needed, I’m glad it’s over.”
“I …” DJ shivered. “I don’t want to be like that.”
“I know.” Robert turned and took her hands in his to bend her fingers in. “You’re doing better here, can you tell?”
“Not really. But now I push the backs of the fingers from one hand into the palm of the other. That way I can work ’em myself when I’m studying or whatever.” She told him about the classes Bridget wanted her to teach. Dusk drifted down through the oak leaves. The hummingbirds drank their fill and headed off to bed. Two doves cooed up in the oak tree.
“So when are you going to start riding again?” Robert asked.
“How can I?”
“Well, you get on a horse and …”
“D-a-d.” Now she sounded almost like the twins.
“Seriously. What’s stopping you?”
DJ thought a moment. What if I fall off... or hurt my hands worse? Be honest—you know the reason. The voices ran after each other in her head, making her feel as if she were on a merry-go-round at warp speed.
“I … I’m scared.” The whisper hurt not only her throat but her soul.
Robert folded his hands over hers. “Then let’s figure out a way to do this so you won’t be scared.” He tipped her chin up with one finger so she had to look in his eyes. “And, Deej, I don’t blame you one bit. I’d be scared, too, and probably not brave enough to admit it.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
But she woke in the middle of the night certain that she had been screaming again—and falling through the air. What would it take to get back on a horse?
Chapter • 11
“Please, DJ, I really want you to.”
DJ stared at her cousin, who right now closely resembled a dark-eyed puppy begging for treats. “Shawna …” I can’t tell her how scared I am. She’ll think I’m a loser. Why not ride Major? He would never dump me— intentionally, that is. DJ tried again. “He’s your horse now.”
“Sure, but he’s still your friend. And he’ll walk real gentle so you can get your balance back and everything. Joe will be there, too. Come on, DJ. Major is the perfect solution.”
“Let me think about it.”
“Now you sound like Gran.” Shawna’s dark eyes sparkled. “Since you use your left foot in the stirrup, you should be able to get on all right with the mounting block. I can bring him over here in two minutes. Please, DJ, let me do this.”
DJ rolled her eyes and shook her head. “All right. Quit bugging me.” But she smiled so that Shawna might think she didn’t mean it. How come everyone thinks they know what’s best for me? Why can’t they just leave me alone?
Sure, like you were before? Her little voice got on the nagging wagon, not that it had ever been very quiet. DJ had just practiced ignoring the constant haranguing.
“Like right now?” Shawna was halfway to the door.
“I guess. But don’t hurry so much that you make a mistake or something—like fall down the stairs.”
“No, I leave that job for my big cousin.” Shawna’s giggle echoed back to DJ’s room.
But I can’t ride. I can’t get my boot over my ankle yet.
Use your sandals with the true heel. You won’t be jumping or anything.
“Just be quiet, can’t you?” DJ rubbed her forehead, hoping that
might still the argument going on in her mind. She looked down at her clothes. “I can’t ride in this dress. Why didn’t I think this through more?”
Queenie whimpered from her place on the bed. Her tail swept a couple of sheets of notebook paper to the floor. Since the therapist had given DJ orders to pick things up with her fingers, she bent down to do just that. The papers skidded away. Her fingers absolutely refused to meet with the paper in between. Finally she used both hands and scooped the papers up.
When she tried to open the drawers to get out her shorts and a T-shirt, she growled in frustration. “I hate this!”
“DJ, what is it?”
She could tell her mother was standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Just trying to use these useless hands of mine, that’s all.” DJ leaned her head against the wall and took in a deep breath.
“You want some help?”
“I guess.” DJ glared at the drawers without handles. If only she could get rid of the cumbersome Jobst gloves. She tried again to insert her fingers under the lower edge of the drawer and pull out. She finally got her little finger under the rim and was able to open the drawer.
“What do you need?” Lindy crossed the room to stand by her daughter.
“My shorts and a T-shirt.” She dug in the drawer for a pair of drawstring shorts. Surely they would be easier to get on than her cutoffs.
“Really?”
DJ sighed as she used both hands to place the shorts, then the T-shirt, on the bed. “I’m going to ride Major.”
“Now?” The smile nearly cracked Lindy’s face.
“As soon as Shawna gets back here. She and Joe got this brilliant idea, and she wouldn’t back off.”
“Bless her little heart. She’s wanted to help so badly.”
“But I can’t get my boot on over my ankle, so I guess I’ll wear those sandals.” DJ went to her closet and managed to snag the sandal straps and carry her shoes to the bed. “Can you please help me get dressed?”
“I’d be glad to.”
“Bridget would have a horse if she saw me in these clothes.”
“Bridget would be so thrilled you were riding that she wouldn’t even notice.” As they talked, Lindy pulled DJ’s shorts up for her and tied the drawstring. “You have lost a lot of weight.” She pulled the T-shirt over her daughter’s head.
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