“I thought I was a goner.”
He said nothing, just kept soothing me with long sweeping caresses down my spine.
“What happened to the handcuff around my
wrist?”
“I cut it off.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“Good.”
“I do remember Trina admitting she shot you. Did you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Jackal said he killed her because the Hombres would’ve done worse, torturing her and raping her before letting her die.”
Tony didn’t deny it; I hadn’t expected him to.
“I know that’s what the Hombres do to keep order. I don’t understand. I sure as hell don’t wanna know the details—ever—but at the same time, I’m not sorry Trina is dead. Just sorry I had to see it.” I waited a beat. “Does that make me callous?”
“No.”
Does that make me like you?
438
My dad’s voice chimed in. Gets easier to kill, don’t it?
If I had to choose, I’d rather be like Tony Martinez than Doug Collins.
And again, I did my ostrich imitation and yanked the covers over my head when I realized the truth of how far removed I was.
Tony gently peeled them back. “Don’t hide, especially not from me, blondie. I couldn’t stand it.”
“I’m not. I’m just cold.” I burrowed into him. After a while I said, “And Jackal?”
“Is a fucking dead man soon as we find him.”
Martinez twirled a hank of hair around his finger.
“After I discovered my Wonder Woman had escaped on her own again, and she was sacked out in her truck listening to that goat-yodeling shit—”
“Watch what you say about my boy Dwight.”
“I wanted to hide you at my place. Throw you in the hot tub, prop you by the fireplace, wrap you up, hell, tie you up, but it was too far, so I had to settle for putting you in the shower here.”
“I don’t remember that either. How long has it been since you …”
“Eight hours.”
“Were you in there with me?”
“Someone needed to hold you up.”
“Getting tired of that yet, Martinez?”
“Never.” He brought his mouth to mine and kissed me with all the seductive sweetness I craved. 439
My stomach rumbled.
He smiled against my mouth. “Hungry?”
“Yeah. Can any of those guys out there cook?”
“No. I’ll send someone for food. What do you want?”
“Steak. Fries. Bread. Brownies.”
“Done.” He whipped out his cell and sent a text message to the next room. Closed it and pulled me across his body. “Try to rest, okay? Food’ll be here when you wake up.”
Martinez probably had a million things to do, but he didn’t leave me. Not for a single second. I finally accepted he never would.
I scarcely had enough energy to eat and return to bed. Even the next morning I felt nowhere near normal. Martinez coddled me. I let him. Something had changed significantly between us once again. Two near-death experiences in a week will do that. Later in the afternoon, Big Mike knocked on the bedroom door. “There’s a kid here to see Julie. Claims she’s Julie’s sister?”
“Frizzy hair? Polite, but a little geeky?”
I whacked Martinez on the arm.
Big Mike nodded.
440
“Yeah, that’s Brittney. Tell her to hang out for a sec.” Tony pecked me on the forehead and slid off the bed. “Want me to stick around?”
“To protect me from an eleven-year-old girl?”
“Smartass. But you’re kidding yourself if you pretend she doesn’t have the power to hurt you.”
His insight made me squirm. “Thanks, but I’ll be okay.”
He opened the door. Brittney looked up at him and said, “Hola, Señor Martinez.”
“Hola, Señorita Collins. Como estas? ”
“Bueno.”
“I’ll be out here if you need anything, Julie.”
“Thanks.”
Brittney gave me a once-over. “Wow. Must be nice to sleep in all day.”
Yeah, that was me, lazing around like a slug all the time.
She balanced on the edge of the mattress. “Something wrong with you?”
“Got a little chilled yesterday. Better to be safe than sorry. How’d you get here?”
“The bus driver dropped me off like last time.”
“Ah. What’s up?”
“I wanted to give you the souvenir I bought in Denver.” She passed me a small item packaged in newspaper.
I unwrapped a shot glass. With the Denver skyline etched on one side, and Colorful Colorado! on the 441
other. “Thanks, Britt.”
“I know you’ll use it since you drink all the time. Most of them had Denver Broncos or Denver Nuggets, or Colorado Rockies or Colorado Avalanche emblems on the sides. Couldn’t find any with bull riders.”
She had such a high opinion of me and I felt myself bristle.
“I came out to the barn to surprise you with it yesterday.”
My gaze caught hers. “When?”
“Right after you got there. I snuck in the side door, and I heard …”
“What?”
“Everything.”
Shit. “And that’s why you’re here?”
“Yes. You always say I can ask you anything. I’m asking you: don’t call the sheriff on DJ and turn him in for what he done.”
Not what I’d expected. “If you heard it all maybe you should understand—”
“Understand what? That man was a bad, bad
man and I’m glad he’s dead. I wish I woulda done it.”
Angrily, she wiped the tears glistening on her lashes.
“Daddy is right. My mom shoulda never hired him and it’s not fair to make DJ pay for Mom’s mistake.”
“Your mom did not kill Melvin Canter, so she didn’t make that fatal mistake.”
“But if she wasn’t so stupid to hire him without talking to Daddy about it first, then none of this 442
would’ve happened!”
Why was she sticking up for him? “Does Dad
know you’re here?”
She shook her head.
“Did you hear all of what he said yesterday? That he’d rather let people think Melvin sexually molested you, rather than DJ?”
“I don’t care. You’re the one who’s always telling me it doesn’t matter what people think. They can think whatever they want just as long as they don’t send my brother away.”
“He killed someone.”
“So did you. You told me it was self-defense. So it’s no different.”
Stung, I snapped, “That is not for you to decide. That’s why there are cops and lawyers and a legal system.”
“It’s not for you to decide either,” she retorted. “DJ
is my only brother and you don’t have the right to try to take him away from me just because your brother is dead!”
My heart actually stopped.
“How can you love Ben so much and hate DJ? He’s as much your brother as Ben ever was. Is it because you think Ben was more special because he was Indian?”
“Brittney—”
“DJ is the only brother I’ll ever have and I’ll do anything to save him. I will tell people I killed that bad guy because he was touching me and stuff … and they’ll believe me when I tell them I had the tractor 443
out because I was trying to hide his body.”
Why hadn’t I considered she’d have the same
unwavering love and devotion for her brother that I had for mine? Just because I didn’t feel that way about DJ didn’t mean she didn’t.
Brittney’s hazel eyes burned with a mean glint I’d never seen on her sweet face. But I recognized the look; she’d learned it from our father.
I realized she was far more our father’s daughter than I ever was. I’d tr
ied to ignore all her smarmy comments, her backhanded compliments, the overwhelming guilt she loaded on me. I’d brushed aside her behavior, conveniently blaming it on her age, not her genetics.
I was such a fool. DJ had been right; so had Kim. Brittney didn’t care about me. She used me as leverage with both her mother and father. Why hadn’t I seen it?
In that moment the tiny crack between us
splintered into a full-blown fissure and I tumbled into the abyss of dark truth. I hit rock bottom with the realization my relationship with her was as fractured as my reasoning for it.
Last year I’d told Sheriff Richards that Brittney and I might share the same blood, but we did not share the same father. I’d always believed it, abided by it, used it as a protective shield. As my friend, Richards made me question that rigid stance, and he’d been sincere in bringing it up, making me wonder if I had been wrong. 444
Turns out I’d been right all along.
Ben’s ghostly familial advice from the great beyond notwithstanding, I finally saw it for what it’d been: my hallucinogenic grasp at straws. Nothing would fill the void of losing Ben. I didn’t want or need a replacement sibling. I’d been an idiot to try to forge a connection with Brittney where there wasn’t one. Where—if I was totally honest with myself—I didn’t want one. Ben had tried to forge a new family bond with his sister Leticia and look where it’d gotten him. She’d slit his throat and left him to die.
Just like DJ had done with Melvin Canter. Wasn’t it ironic they both thought their actions were justified?
Brittney and I would never come to terms on our father, what he’d done to me, as opposed to how she saw him. If by some miracle when she was older and she’d gained a different perspective, it’d be too late. For both of us.
Another wave of sadness and loss washed over me, but I managed to suck it up.
“Do you have a ride home?”
“No.”
“Tony?” I called, a little louder than necessary, a little more desperate than necessary.
The door opened. Big Mike popped his head in and said, “Whaddya need?”
“Call Brittney’s mom to come and get her.”
“No problem. Come on, kid. You can wait out here. Julie needs to rest.”
445
Brittney made it to the door before she turned back. “You won’t tell on him?”
I shook my head. What she didn’t realize was this might be beyond the control of either of us.
“Thanks. See ya, sis.”
And I couldn’t snap back my usual, “Not if I see you first,” response, because this time, it wasn’t a joke. From now on, I’d go out of my way to stay out of her life. Not out of spite; out of self-protection. The kid could destroy me and she knew it. And I’d almost let it happen out of some misplaced sense of family loyalty. A family who had never wanted anything to do with me anyway.
When the door closed, I pulled the quilt over my head and hid from the world.
446
Less than thirty minutes later the door
opened and the mattress dipped. “You’re gonna smother under there, sugar, regardless if you had hypothermia yesterday or not.”
Kim.
The covers were stripped back. Her cool hand soothed my tear-dampened face. But I couldn’t look at her.
“Okay, so let’s bust this little tiff we had last week wide open. You pissed me off. So to be contrary and mean, I downloaded that Winnie the Pooh song into my iPod. You know, the one about being the little black rain cloud? I planned to make you listen to it over and over, but the second I heard it … Lawd almighty, I was weepin’ like a willow tree.”
I snorted. “You cry at the drop of a hat. Or a baby 447
bootie. Or a Bud Light commercial.”
“I’ve been acting like grumpy old Eeyore, too.”
“The jackass comparison works for me.”
“Can I blame my shitty behavior to you on pregnancy hormones?”
“No.”
“Gonna make me grovel, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.” Her throaty laughter made me smile. I opened my eyes. “Why’re you really here, Kim?”
“To say I’m sorry.”
“And?”
“To say I missed you and I had the strangest feeling things weren’t right with you, Jules.”
“Martinez called you, didn’t he?”
“No. Actually I called him.”
A tiny sense of relief surfaced that she’d chosen to be here on her own, not grudgingly shown up at my lover’s request. “Why?”
“Because you haven’t been in the office. Kevin seemed clueless and preoccupied after I asked him where you were. No answer on your cell. When I reached Tony today, he said you were taking some downtime. I called bullshit on his explanation on how you ended up with a case of hypothermia, especially not with four of his armed bodyguards holed up in your house.” She scrutinized the marks on my face.
“Can you tell me what’s been going on?”
“No.” My eyes filled. “But I can tell you I’m glad you’re here, Kim. So goddamn glad.”
448
“Hey.” She crawled on the bed and lay down, facing me. “Stop bawling or I’ll start.”
“Okay.” The stupid tears kept coming.
“You’re really upset, huh?”
I nodded.
“Talk to me. There’s not a damn thing you can tell me that will make me run out of here screaming. Sometimes I don’t like what you do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. We’re buddies, pals, BFF, no matter what.”
The silence lingered, not unwieldy, just there. I sighed. “You know why I like you?”
“There are so many reasons I don’t believe you’ll have time to list them all before I have to go home,”
she teased.
“Ha ha. Seriously, I like you because I don’t have to like you. Makes it my choice, rather than something I feel I have to do.”
“Is this about Brittney?”
“Yes.” One simple word. No simple answers.
“Let it out, darlin’, I’m here.”
“You were right. I thought it could be different for me than it was for you. I felt a little smug, if you want to know the truth, that maybe I could overcome my past with my father in a way you couldn’t with yours. But the truth is, I can’t be around him, because he is poison. And being around Brittney means being around him, so in a strange way, she’s poison, too. Why didn’t I see her manipulation of me?”
449
“Because you didn’t listen to your gut. Because you wanted what you had with Ben, sugar.”
“Ironically, she’s the same age I was when Ben showed up. I can’t imagine what hell my life would’ve been if he hadn’t bulled his way into it.”
“I sense a ‘but.’”
“But Ben and I held a similar view of Doug Collins. It bugs the shit out of me that Brittney doesn’t see him for what he is.”
“Honey, she won’t. Not unless he reverts to how he was to you.”
“As glad as I am that he isn’t beating on her, at least his apathy and hatred toward me and Ben were overt, not covert. It doesn’t bother her that Dad would throw her to the wolves to save DJ.”
Kim didn’t respond right away. “It hurts. I’m sorry. Other people would tell you to try to work it out, she’s family, and it matters. But you are doing the right thing by letting it go, by letting her go. This has to do with your mental well-being, not what other people think. Including me.
“There’s lots of good people in your life who love you as you are, Jules. Martinez. Kevin. Jimmer. Me. We are your family by choice. I might get pissy with you, and pick out the ugliest bridesmaid’s dress on the planet for you to wear at my wedding, but, face it: I need you as much as you need me.”
“You say that now, Kim, as I’m lying here bawling my eyes out, but you haven’t needed me.” I forced 450
myself to look at her even when I was afraid of what I’d see. “In fact,
it seems like you’ve been trying to cut me out of your life.”
A soft sigh. “Maybe I was. I’m flying without a net, getting married and figuring out what this pregnancy and baby business is all about. You were right when you said you hadn’t changed. You drink. You smoke. You swear. You have a dangerous job at times. The man in your bed and in your life is one of the most feared men in five states. It’s never bothered me before. But now? I wondered if that was the kind of friend I wanted my baby to be around.”
I bit the inside of my cheek to stop a cry from erupting at another loss in my life.
“Then I realized I don’t need you to be the baby’s friend; I need you to be my friend.”
“That’s sweet, but you’ve still been preg-zilla and now you’re trying to make me shed happy tears so you don’t feel so mean.”
“Have you ever known me to throw out a mercy compliment?” Kim laughed. “Just so you don’t think I’ve gone too nice, you definitely need a haircut, girlfriend.” She gasped softly.
“What? You okay?”
Instead of answering, she grabbed my hand and placed it on the front swell of her stomach. “Feel that?”
I waited. Then something booted my palm. Hard. My hand snapped back. “Holy shit.”
451
Kim snagged my hand and put it back on her baby bump. “Isn’t that wild?”
“Freakishly bizarre.” I poked her stomach. The skin was taut, not squishy. “What’s it feel like from the inside?”
“Hard to explain. I’m gonna ask you the same question when you’re pregnant.”
And things’d been going so well. “Will you
retract the BFF statement if I tell you I don’t want to have kids? Ever.”
“No. But you don’t know—”
“Yes, actually I do.”
“You and Tony have discussed it?”
I couldn’t tell her about Tony’s son or the regret he carried about giving him up to the boy’s mother. I didn’t want to talk about my miscarriage or why it seemed every child in my life broke my heart. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning we’ve chosen this lifestyle. Neither of us wants to subject a child to it.” I softened my tone.
“Being with Martinez is more happiness than I thought I’d ever find, Kim, and that’s enough for me.”
“It should be. Okay, okay, sorry. I’ll stop trying to push my life off on you.” She drew my hand across her belly as the kicks grew more intense. “She is gonna be a great soccer player.”
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