“Cassie, now isn’t the time for this.”
“When is? You never want to talk,” she almost screamed at me.
I walked past her and shut my office door firmly without looking to see if anyone was in the hallway. She turned to me.
“Tell me the truth, James, there was no family thing last week. You just didn’t want to spend time with me.”
“I didn’t lie to you about that.”
She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I don’t believe you. How can I believe anything you tell me?”
“I haven’t lied to you, Cassie. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen this way.”
I was saying the wrong things. I knew I was but the right words didn’t seem to want to come out of my mouth. Words like I’m sorry and I should never have treated you this way.
Her eyes flashed with anger.
“No? You didn’t mean to kiss me that night nor bend me over your fucking desk, did you?”
I flinched. We’d been working late six months ago when it happened. I’d just found out Avery was pregnant. Even though I was happy for her, it hurt. So I sought solace in Cassie because I knew she had a crush on me. It was obvious. I felt something for her but that something faded quickly. It was too late to stop all of this by then. Everything between Cassie and I was a mistake. One I sorely regretted making because all I’d done was hurt her. I wasn’t proud of it.
“Not got anything to say for yourself? Why the fuck am I not surprised, huh? You sure you don’t want to placate me with sex yet again?”
My office door opened and in walked Dante.
“What the fuck is going on? Everyone can hear you shouting,” he said, shutting the door behind him.
“Oh, well, here’s someone I might be able to get a straight answer out of.”
Dante looked between us.
“Excuse me?”
“Last week James claimed he had a family thing.”
His eyes fell on me.
“You didn’t tell her what we were doing?”
I shook my head.
“Wait, you did have a thing?” Cassie asked, her voice hesitant.
“Yes, the anniversary of our mother’s death,” Dante said.
She turned on me, her expression stricken.
“Why didn’t you just tell me that?”
“It’s not something I talk about, okay?” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck.
Talking to anyone who didn’t know my mother was hard for me. I’d only been ten when I lost her. Her death left a gaping hole in my chest. A void that would never be filled. And knowing it was my own father who stole her from us made it worse. I hated him. I hated him so much it threatened to consume me sometimes.
“I could’ve been there for you.”
“We agreed no partners, Cassie. It was family and those who knew her only,” Dante answered for me.
She looked at the floor. What happened last week had nothing to do with her. Even if this thing between us had been serious, I still wouldn’t have wanted her there. My family and my two friends understood the magnitude of her loss. No one else could.
Except Ellie. She would. I know she’s lost people in her life. I sense it.
“Regardless, this is a workplace and shouting at your manager no matter what problems you’re having personally is unacceptable. Go and wait in my office whilst I have a word with my brother,” he continued.
“Yes, Mr Benson, I apologise,” Cassie said before she left without looking at me.
When the door was closed I moved away and stood by the window, staring out at the street below.
“You need to sort your shit out with her.”
“I know I do,” I said, my voice quiet.
“Do you? Because this can’t happen again.”
I sighed, putting a hand against the window frame.
“I’ll sort it out.”
“James, leading her on is fucked up, you know that, right? She’s our employee.”
Having him reprimand me stung especially because Dante was right. Even though he wasn’t a saint and the shit he’d been involved with when it came to Dad was also fucked up, he never put his own interests above work. The business was different. It was our livelihood and he took that seriously now the four of us were in charge.
“I didn’t mean to.”
He came up and stood beside me, his expression one of sympathy.
“It’s her, isn’t it? It always has been.”
He was referring to Avery. Dante had always known how I felt. He was the only one who saw it. How pathetically in love with my best friend I was, even though she was married with a baby now.
“She’d be heartbroken if I told her the truth.”
“Her or Cassie?”
“Both.”
He gave me a slight nod.
“You need to end it with Cassie. It’s not fair on her and honestly, I can’t entirely blame her for getting pissed off at you.”
I stared out of the window again.
“I know. I will, I promise.”
Dante was right. I’d led her on and created this mess. I could only hope I could say the right words to show her how fucking sorry I was. How much I regretted the way I treated her and how she deserved more.
***
The past couple of weeks had dragged to the point where I thought the day would never come around, but here I was, standing outside the same bar. Frankie’s. I liked it. It was quiet, and whilst I never really listened to jazz, I didn’t mind it so much. I’d been paying more attention to my companion then the surroundings anyway.
I looked at my phone. As usual, I was early by at least fifteen minutes. I wasn’t sure if Ellie was the punctual type or if she left things to the last minute. A part of me wanted to know everything there was to know about her. I wouldn’t press her though. She could tell me things in her own time. That’s what this was about. Having a person to talk to about the dark and twisted aspects of our lives. I smiled to myself at the thought of it.
Dark and twisty.
“And I thought I was overeager.”
I looked down, finding Ellie standing next to me with a smirk on her face and her sky blue eyes full of amusement.
“I like to think of it as being punctual,” I replied.
“Hi,” she said, almost shyly.
“Hi, yourself.”
I looked at her closely, her coat was hanging open and I could see she was wearing a navy dress which fell to just past her knees with ballet flats. My mind went into overdrive thinking about the ways I could dress her for her slight hourglass figure. I think it was a product of being raised around clothes. Somehow Dad’s eye for it rubbed off on Dante and me.
Not sure Ellie would’ve appreciated me thinking that about her so I raised my eyes back to hers. Her face was a little flushed. Shit. I wasn’t checking her out in the way she thought I was. Ellie wasn’t unattractive. In fact, she was stunningly beautiful. Her dark hair had copper tones to it. Her face, heart shaped and her button nose was kind of adorable. There was just something about Ellie which had me wanting to see more of her. Know more of her.
“Um, shall we get a drink first or go straight to dinner?” I asked, trying not to make this any more awkward than it already was.
“Have you planned where we’re eating?”
I grinned.
“Yes, I was the one who invited you so it’s only fair.”
She was quiet for a moment, staring up at me with a strange look in her eyes. Almost as if she couldn’t believe someone would go out of their way to plan things in advance. That made me kind of sad. Did she think so little of herself or had no one done something like this for her before? Either way, I was determined to make it clear she was worth the effort. Because she was. Even though I’d only seen her twice, Ellie made me feel more at ease than I had done in a long while.
“Oh, well, I am kind of hungry.”
&nb
sp; “Dinner it is then. A drink after, maybe?”
“Maybe.”
Her words might have been unsure but her eyes said yes. It was Saturday evening so I had no plans for tomorrow. She could have me all night to talk to if she wanted.
I indicated with my head she should follow me. It wasn’t far. I’d checked out the places nearby to make sure we didn’t have to walk much. It was a little Mexican place tucked away on a side street. Her blue eyes lit up when she saw it.
“You’re not psychic, are you?”
I laughed, shaking my head.
“No, why?”
“Uh, all-time favourite food right here.”
“Just a lucky guess I suppose.”
And the fact that Avery had been here and recommended it to me a while back. Mexican was her favourite too.
We walked in and her face fell a little.
“It looks really busy.”
I wanted to reassure her with a simple touch on her arm, but I was trying not to make her uncomfortable. That type of thing could be difficult to gauge whether it was okay or not when you knew someone had suffered physical abuse. Dante didn’t like being touched skin on skin in certain places after what Dad had done to him. He accepted it from Liora, but I think that had more to do with how he felt about her than anything else. Love had a strange way of changing people and it had certainly changed my brother.
One of the waiters came up and asked me if I had a reservation. Ellie looked up at me with wide eyes when I gave him my name.
“Right this way, sir,” he said, leading the two of us over to the corner where there was a secluded table.
I’d asked them if they had anything tucked away because I didn’t want us to be talking about our dark pasts with people on all sides.
“You made a reservation?” she asked when we were seated and looking over the menus.
“I was counting on you wanting to go straight to dinner.”
She smiled at me over the top of the menu before her eyes flicked down to it. We didn’t talk whilst deliberating and ordering. It seemed we both had similar tastes as Ellie chose the chicken enchiladas and I picked beef. After the waiter brought us both over a bottle of Corona I sat back and watched her for a moment.
“What?” she asked with a little tinge of pink flooding her features.
“I was just thinking it’s my turn to go first.”
“Oh… I suppose you’re right.”
She fiddled with her fork, staring down at the placemat. Was she nervous?
“Have you ever been out to dinner with someone before?”
The shade of her cheeks deepened until she was bright red.
“Um, no,” she told me, her voice quiet.
I smiled. She was endearing on so many levels.
“We can share stories later if you’re uncomfortable.”
She shook her head as she met my eyes again.
“No, it’s okay. Maybe I’ll feel less nervous if we start talking, you know?”
I could see the sense in that. I hoped she could relax for her sake. It was hard for me to imagine what it was like not to have done all these social things before. I didn’t know much about Ellie’s background so who knew why she’d never done normal things like going to dinner with someone. Maybe it was something she’d reveal in the future.
“I hope it’s not weird that I want to tell you about… her.”
“Your best friend.”
I nodded.
“It’s not weird. Are you going to be honest about how you feel?”
It was my turn to fiddle with my cutlery.
“Yeah, I guess that’s the point of this.”
Where did I start? This was meant to be a story from our pasts, but I had so many stories about Avery and me. The painful ones would be the hardest to talk about, but in so many ways, they were the most relevant.
“It is, but I don’t want either of us to feel obliged to reveal things we don’t want to.”
“You were right the day we met. I do wish it was more. I… I’m in love with her.”
Saying it out loud for the very first time made me feel like fucking shit. In fact, I kind of felt ill. I took a hasty sip of my beer. Ellie didn’t say anything, she just watched me.
“I’ve never said that before… It doesn’t feel good to admit it.”
“No?”
“It feels like I’m betraying my friendship with her. It’s such a fucked up situation. I don’t even know how to start telling you all the reasons why I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“Maybe start with something easy. How long have you known each other?”
Her blue eyes were full of so much compassion and understanding. It made me want to spill all of my secrets to her. I could start with something simple. She already knew the worst thing and that was me being in love with Avery.
“Since we were five. It was the first day of school and our teacher made us sit together as partners. It was like an instant thing. I was drawn to her. We shared everything with each other. There were three of us, me, Gertie and Avery. We were always closer, Avery and me. Dante used to call us inseparable.”
We were so innocent back then. I loved her and she loved me. It was only when we grew up that things started to change. It wasn’t just me though, it was her too. That’s what I found so difficult about this situation. Avery sought me out. She started it all and now I was left to pick up the pieces because she’d found Aiden and fallen in love with him instead.
It was meant to be me. She was supposed to be mine. Except Avery was never mine. Not really. That was the hardest part of all.
The waiter came with our food at that point, so I was forced to stop. Ellie didn’t look perturbed by what I’d said. We were silent for a long while whilst we both dug in. She made appreciative noises about the food. She looked cute when she ate, carefully cutting up each piece so it wasn’t too big. Like she was mindful of how she came across. I wouldn’t care if she ate with gusto or not. To be honest, at this rate, I wasn’t sure Ellie could do anything to make me not want to get to know her.
“I’ve really fucked things up recently. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk about. The past is painful, but here and now, I’m struggling,” I blurted out after a few minutes ticked by.
“You can tell me… I won’t judge.”
Ellie looked so earnest. Like nothing I could say would affect her opinion of me.
You won’t judge me but I do. I fucking judge everything that’s happened since Avery and I turned seventeen. Especially what I’ve done in the past year.
Chapter Six
Ellie
The abject misery in his voice tore at me. I barely knew this man but I was beginning to care about him. Care that he was hurting. It was an odd feeling for me. The only other people I’d cared about in my life had betrayed me in a fundamental way. I didn’t trust easily. I certainly didn’t allow myself to have feelings for anyone else. Yet I desperately wanted to be James’ friend. To be there for him.
“I did something I regret,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck after he put his fork down.
I paused in the midst of cutting another slice of enchilada, looking at him intently. I hoped my gaze wasn’t making him uncomfortable, but he didn’t seem to indicate it was.
“Seven months ago Avery told me she was pregnant, four months along already, but her and Aiden wanted to make sure before they told anyone. I was happy for her, like incredibly happy because I knew they’d been trying.”
I wondered where this was going. What could he have possibly done which he regretted now? There didn’t seem to be any animosity between him and his best friend at the wedding, so it couldn’t be that. Curiosity burnt in my chest.
“It wasn’t until the next day when I was working late that it really hit me. Kind of like the final nail in the coffin, you know.” He paused, looking at me with shame in his blue eyes. “I was never going to break up her marriage wi
th Aiden, but them having a baby made it real. Like so real to me. I’d never have her in the way I wanted.”
My heart felt tight in my chest for a moment. I wanted to reach out to him, hold his hand and tell him it would be okay. I knew it was normal, a human thing to do, have empathy, but for me, it was foreign. No one had comforted me for a long time. How did I do this? Was it okay for me to touch him or would it feel strange? Having an urge for physical contact was alien since for so many years, the only touch I’d experienced was violent.
Words of comfort didn’t seem enough though. Not enough to express my understanding of his predicament. How hard it must be to feel that way about the person you’re close to and you can’t have. I might never have experienced it myself, but it didn’t mean I hadn’t witnessed it in other people. The longing and the pain.
“I did something stupid because of it. I wasn’t alone that night in the office. This girl… my employee, I knew she liked me. It’s not that I didn’t like her too, but it was wrong of me to kiss her. To get lost in someone else to forget about Avery. I didn’t think of it like that at the time, it’s only now when everything’s gone to shit that I’m realising the truth.”
My eyes fell on his hand resting on the table. My fingers twitched, urging me to do something. Words weren’t forming in my head, but the need to give him an indication that I didn’t think any less of him for it burnt a hole in my chest.
The need won out. I reached over and laid my hand gently on top of his, curling my fingers around his and giving them a squeeze. His skin was warm and made mine prickle. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. Normally when I touched someone else, I wanted to tear my own skin off because it reminded me too much of all the times I’d been beaten and abused.
The instant he met my eyes, I started to retract my hand, but he stopped me. He placed his other hand over mine for a moment before he moved it away again. His way of assuring me it was okay. So I left my hand on top of his, trying not to freak out over how this was okay with me. How it didn’t feel strange or unnatural. It was as if being around James was the most natural thing I could do. Getting to know him and wanting to be his friend.
“I’ve hurt her though. Cassie. She wanted more than I’m capable of giving her. Instead of breaking things off, I just kept seeing her. I never treated her badly. We’d go out and do things together. I never let her in though. Never really talked about myself or my past or anything that wasn’t innocuous. Then a couple of weeks ago she blew up at me in the office. Dante had to intervene.”
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