Dear James,
I’ve never been sure who I’m more disappointed in. You or Dante. Your sisters have always been such ridiculous vapid girls, but you and your brother showed promise. I saw myself in both of you. Dante proved himself weak. Too swayed by his need to protect you and the twins.
You were always such a good boy. I taught you so well. Your quiet disposition is a strength. I don’t think you can see what dwells inside you, but I can. I’ve always known, son. I should’ve chosen you over your brother. You would’ve served me better if only you’d given into your needs.
I’d like it if you visited me. We need to discuss a few things, you and I.
Think about it.
Your father
I threw the paper on the desk and put a hand to my mouth. The whole thing shook me to my core. Especially given what I’d been thinking about before this letter had landed on my desk.
“It’s bullshit, James. He’s just trying to get in your head,” Dante said.
“You know his words hurt me far worse than his fists ever did,” I said, my voice hushed and unsteady.
“That’s exactly why you’re not going to see him.”
Dante was right. I would never visit him in prison. That would be asking for trouble. My father had always known where to hit me the hardest. His words were vile. Poison infecting my soul. There was no doubt in my mind the reason he’d written to me was because he knew he could get to me that way.
We sat in silence for a long moment. What the hell could either of us say about the letter?
Nothing.
There was, however, something else I wanted to ask Dante. Something I probably shouldn’t pry into, but the intensity of my thoughts and urges were getting to me.
“Can I ask you something… personal?”
I looked up at my brother. His brow was furrowed.
“If you want.”
“Do you have… needs which aren’t quite normal?”
His eyebrows shot up.
“What kind of needs?”
This was probably one of the most awkward conversations I’d ever had with him, but I had to know the truth. Perhaps it would help me understand myself. But really, how the fuck did I ask him if he was a Dom? I mean that’s fucked up to ask your own brother. Perhaps because I knew deep down what the answer to that would be.
“Like… Fuck it. What’s behind the locked door in your house?”
He sat back and regarded me for a long moment.
“A playroom. An adult one.”
I hadn’t expected him to tell me outright.
“And that fulfils your… needs?”
“Yes. Why are you asking me this?”
I sighed, looking away.
“I met someone who ignited things I’ve always kept buried. You’re the only person I know who might understand what those needs are and how I deal with it.”
“Is this because of what Zach wrote, about seeing something in you?”
I shifted, feeling my skin prickling. Our father’s words were playing on my mind, but this was different. This was about the darkness I’d always known was dwelling inside me.
“No. Dad can fuck off, quite frankly.”
“And you can’t talk to Avery about this?”
I looked at him again. It didn’t seem like this fazed him, but his fingers were tapping on the arm of his chair.
“No. That’s awkward considering our history and she doesn’t know about…”
“About who?”
“Ellie.”
He nodded slowly before leaning forward and planting his elbows on the desk.
“What exactly is this girl making you want?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Things are always fucking complicated, James. Just tell me.”
“I want her to obey me.” It was so simple and yet it opened a huge can of worms. “But I can’t ask her for that. She’s got a horrifying past which I don’t even know the full extent of. She needs to be loved, not… commanded. We’re supposed to be just friends. And she knows I’m in love with Avery, so there’s that fucked up shit to deal with on top of everything else.”
I dropped my head into my hands. Why was this such a huge mess? Why was I so fucked up in the head? And why the hell was I admitting all of this to my brother?
“You’re in love with the idea of Avery. You always have been, but you two decided to blur the lines, didn’t you? That’s why you can’t see past her.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I’m not fucking stupid, that’s how.”
I didn’t look up at him. His words settled over me. In love with the idea of Avery. Was he right? I knew what it was like to be with Avery physically, but we’d never really been together as a couple. We weren’t really right for each other in that way. She was right for Aiden. If she hadn’t been, then we would’ve been with each other and I wouldn’t be craving these things with Ellie.
“You have two choices. You act on your desires or you don’t. Don’t be like me though. I almost fucked everything up with Liora that way. Do it consensually if you are going to act on it. Make sure she wants it too.”
He said it like it really was that simple. Act on it or don’t. Nothing was that fucking simple. Not ever. With Ellie, everything was complicated. My feelings towards her. My desires. Her past and what that meant.
“Fucked things up with Liora how?” I asked, raising my head.
His expression became pained for a moment.
“It’s a long story and we’ve got a collection to launch.”
He was right. I’d already taken up enough time with Dad’s letter and this conversation.
“Come to dinner later and we’ll talk about this more, okay?” he continued.
I nodded before standing. He looked at the letter.
“Just throw it away. I don’t want to see it again.”
As I left, I somehow felt a little lighter having told someone about how I felt. I still wasn’t any clearer regarding my next move, but at least I could talk to Dante about this shit. He understood. I tried not to think about what he and Liora got up to in his playroom. That shit I really didn’t want to know.
I hope I can figure this out before I see Ellie again. How am I going to get through this picnic with her if I don’t?
Chapter Twelve
Ellie
The way the sun glinted off his dark hair, highlighting the dark brown undertones had me mesmerised. I was glad the weather was nice, but not so much that there were a lot of people around. Even so, we’d picked a spot a little way off from the families and couples dotted around everywhere.
James’ face was turned up to the sun, his eyes closed as if he was basking in the rays. I took the liberty of the moment to study him. The stubble across his jawline and contours of his features. The hard lines of his muscles visible under his t-shirt. He might not be ripped, but he was athletic. I was in no doubt he could quite easily overpower me if he wanted to at any point.
The fucked up part.
I was more than willing to let him.
My time in captivity had fucked with my head clearly. Being forced to do the bidding of my masters. It conditioned me in some ways, but in others, it awakened things in me. Needs I wasn’t sure were normal. I’d always resigned myself to the fact that whilst I could try and live a relatively normal life now, I would never be normal on the inside. My introduction to the world had been harsh. Reality was devastating. I knew darkness like the back of my hand.
In some ways, I think that’s why I was drawn to James. His life had been marred with violence and despair. I recognised that part of him because it lived in me too.
“You’re staring,” he said without opening his eyes.
My face grew hot, but I didn’t look away.
“I don’t mind,” he continued. “If anything, I’m flattered.”
He lowered his face, opening his eyes to sta
re back at me. Those ocean blue eyes which had the ability to consume me from the inside out.
“Flattered?”
“Mmmhmm, being admired by a beautiful girl and all.”
That made me look away and fiddle with the blanket below us. It wasn’t the first time he’d said I was beautiful but compliments were a foreign concept to me. Spending your whole life being treated like you’re worthless by almost everyone around you makes it hard to accept anyone could believe you were attractive or worthwhile.
In the periphery of my vision, I saw him sit up and lean towards me. He took my hands and stilled them. Why was he always so warm? My skin thrummed at the contact.
“You don’t like compliments.”
Was I that obvious?
“I don’t know how to take them. No one has ever said nice things about me before,” I admitted.
“Look at me.”
I did it without hesitation. His voice compelled me to. I loved the rich notes to it. Every syllable he spoke brushed across my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
I’m so screwed. So. Very. Screwed.
His blue eyes searched mine for a long moment.
“You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone put you down again. You’re stronger than that.”
I felt those words deep in my bones. My time in the Daniel’s clutches hadn’t broken me. My father might be lurking, but I’d deal with him. He was never going to control me or my life again. Richard Kirkwood was dead to me.
“You’re like my own personal cheerleader.”
He laughed, shaking his head as he let go of my hands and picked up his can of coke instead.
“Not sure I’d pull off the uniform and pompoms.”
“Well, I don’t know. I think you might look rather fetching.”
His grin was electrifying.
“Hmm, perhaps that should be my next Halloween costume.”
I smiled. His mood was infectious. It made it hard for me to broach the subject I’d been meaning to since my phone call with Tina. I picked at the remnants of our picnic, putting leftovers back in the bag we’d brought with us. I knew he was watching me, but I couldn’t stop. Doing something with my hands prevented me from fidgeting.
“Ellie…”
“Yeah?”
“Have I made you uncomfortable again?”
I stopped what I was doing and turned to him.
“No, it’s not you.”
He cocked his head to the side.
“Then what?”
I sighed, shuffling closer to him and picking at the blanket again.
“I have to talk to you about something.”
His eyes were curious, but he didn’t say anything, merely waited for me to continue.
“It’s about the six years I was kept captive… well… I think it would be more accurate to say I was sex trafficked, but I see it as captivity because I wasn’t allowed any freedom.”
His body was so closed to mine. I could feel the heat of him. I wanted to feel more. Hold onto him and not let go because I was afraid I’d drown otherwise. But I couldn’t. James was still in love with his best friend. That wasn’t going to change.
“You know you can tell me anything.”
“When I was sold… it was to… to…” I faltered, my airway restricting as panic started to bubble up in my chest. I put a hand to it, trying to calm my raging heart. My eyes were on the blanket, attempting to focus on something that wasn’t my body to stop the storm inside me threatening to burst out.
Then I felt it. A warm hand wrapped around the back of my head, drawing me closer until I connected with his warm, solid body. My face buried in his chest, his other arm went around me and his fingers tangled in my hair.
“Shh, close your eyes, it’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m here. You’re safe.”
His touch simultaneously soothed and set fire to my veins. Two completely opposing feelings coursed through me.
“Daniels,” I whispered, managing to get the word out.
I felt him stiffen but he didn’t stop stroking my scalp lightly with his fingers. Didn’t stop holding me.
“You were sold to the Daniels.”
“Yes.”
“Fuck.”
For a long moment neither of us spoke. Then I couldn’t stand the silence nor how my skin felt like it was on fire. Craving something I’d never wanted from anyone before. How was it that despite me revealing something dark and hideous, my body seemed to have a mind of its own. It wanted the very solid and warm body holding me to pin me down and take full advantage of everything I had to offer.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” I whispered, trying to think about anything else, but failing miserably.
My hands curled around him of their own accord, skimming over the hard muscle of his back. He let out a harsh breath. Did my touch affect him? Why was it at that moment all thoughts of how wrong it was to crave him went flying out of my head? None of this made sense. The want. The need. Almost as if parts of me pulsed with recognition, knowledge of him. That was impossible.
“You only have to tell me things when you’re ready, Ellie.”
“I know.”
He leant his cheek on the top of my head.
“Her family… the ones who did that are scum. Avery told me the truth a while before it all came out. Her and Aiden are the reason it came to light. They took them down from the inside. You can’t tell anyone that though. No one knows what they did.”
“They did?”
“Yeah.”
“They’re the reason I was rescued then.”
I let out a long breath, almost going slack in his hold as I relaxed against him finally. The anxiety I’d felt at keeping this in was gone. Why had I ever thought he’d react badly to the news? I should’ve known better by now. Nothing I said to James would make him run or hate me. Would the knowledge I was attracted to him do that though?
“How many were there?”
“Men?”
“Yeah.”
“I had four masters, but there were others. One liked to share with his friends. I hated him the most. He was cruel.”
I shuddered at the memory of the lashes he gave me. The times he struck me with his belt. The scars on my back itched. I rolled my shoulders to shake it off.
“He inflicted the worst punishments. The others were saints in comparison to him. When his time was up, they weren’t happy with the condition he’d left me in, but it didn’t matter. I was still their property. So they gave me to another who wasn’t as cruel. He just wanted a companion mostly. Then the last one, he didn’t look after me properly. He kept me chained up in a room and barely fed me. He said he liked them skinny.”
I didn’t want to pull away from James, but if I didn’t, I might’ve ended up doing something I regretted. He let me go when I moved, sitting up and meeting his eyes.
“It took me four months to speak again after I was rescued. They stole my voice from me. Stole everything. I never want anyone to take something from me against my will again.”
His eyes clouded over and I wondered why.
“No one should take things you’re not willing to give.”
There was something else in the tone of his voice. Something which said I want you to give me things willingly. Was I reading into it too much? Reading into the way he looked at me sometimes like he wanted so much more. It made my skin thrum. Not least because I wanted to hand myself over to him like I was a buffet for him to devour.
What the fuck? Where did that come from?
My brain got scrambled when I was close to him. I had to remind myself he was in love with another woman. Repeatedly. Apparently that was something I kept forgetting.
“What about things I am willing to give?” I whispered, the words tumbling out before I had a chance to stop them.
His blue eyes darkened and trailed down my face to land on my mouth. I resisted the urge to lick my lips.
&nb
sp; “Then you tell them it’s okay, that you want it so they know they aren’t crossing the line or any boundaries you set out.”
Why did this feel like we were talking about us? I knew about consent. All too well considering I’d never consented to anything that happened to me whilst I belonged to the Daniels nor all the shit my father put me through. But this, with James, what if I consented to it? Whatever this was between us which crossed over from friendship into something else.
Was there any point in denying what I wanted?
Him.
I wanted him.
Admitting it to myself wasn’t really the issue here. It was admitting it to him.
And you can’t do that because of Avery.
Some days I wished I didn’t know about his feelings for her and others I was glad of it.
Why did I have to want someone who was emotionally unavailable to me? I wanted that connection. Craved it even. Only with him though. It wasn’t just the physical reaction my body had when he was close or touching me, it was the emotional pull. Deep down what I wanted was love. To be loved by someone for who I was inside.
No one had ever really loved me except my mother. She was meant to though. Parents were. My father was sick with his need for drugs, but he also wasn’t right in the head. You couldn’t be to sell your own daughter into what essentially was sexual slavery.
“I tell them it’s okay,” I repeated, unsure of what else to say.
He nodded, his eyes still fixed on my mouth.
“Only if it really is.”
“Okay.”
He watched me for a long moment as if he wasn’t sure what I was saying okay to. Then he leant back on his hands and tipped his face up to the sun again. I expelled a long breath from my chest as whatever spell was between us broke. This wasn’t the end of it. I was sure of that much. We’d keep skirting around this issue again and again until one of us snapped.
I just wasn’t sure which one of us it would be.
***
“Come on, you promised,” he said, taking my hand and dragging me towards the building.
After we’d dumped the picnic stuff back in the car, I’d told James I was okay with him measuring me if he still wanted to. It made me nervous, the thought of him touching me that much. He’d held me on two separate occasions now. Once in my bed and then earlier today. So I was pretty sure I could deal with it.
Promises Page 12