Promises

by Bailey, Sarah

  I dressed quickly, sitting down to pull on my shoes. She leant her head on my shoulder from behind me, her hand curling around my waist.

  “You going to respond when I text you later?” I asked.

  “Yes… I’m sorry for running away.”

  “I’m sorry for making you feel like you had to.”

  Her hand tightened around my waist.

  “I don’t want you to go,” she whispered.

  I sighed heavily. Neither did I in all honesty. There were so many unspoken words between us. So many things I had to explain to her.

  “Come here.”

  She shifted, moving around me and I pulled her into my lap, staring up into her beautiful face.

  “I wish we had time to discuss everything, you know that right?”

  She nodded, her hands curling around my neck.

  “Just don’t think too much, sweetheart. I promise I’ll be here on Saturday night, okay? I have to finish some shit during the day, but after that, I’m all yours.”

  I tugged her towards me, claiming her mouth one last time. She pulled back and smiled at me before standing up and letting me go. I rose and stroked her cheek, smiling back at her.

  She walked me to the door and kissed my cheek, giving my arm a squeeze before I walked out.

  “I’m working till six, so after that,” she told me when I turned back to her.

  “See you Saturday, sweetheart.”

  I winked before ambling off down the corridor towards the stairs. I seriously hoped she wouldn’t freak out on me between now and then. If only we’d talked properly last night instead of letting our bodies do the talking for us. Perhaps it would’ve saved us a whole lot of heartache and pain.

  ***

  I knew something was wrong when I walked into my office. A chill ran down my spine when I saw another fucking letter waiting on my desk. Not what I needed right after the perfect morning I’d had with Ellie.

  Pulling out my phone, I fired off a quick text to Dante.

  ME: He sent another.

  I walked over to my desk and picked up the offending article. Carefully, I opened the envelope and tugged out the letter. It was short this time.

  Dear James,

  You’re angry and rightly so. There were things I did to you and your brother and sisters that could be considered unorthodox. My only regret is you could not see the bigger picture. Life is a cruel and harsh taskmaster. It takes what you love and turns it into dust whenever it feels the need to teach you a lesson. Love is a wasted emotion.

  We’ll talk further when you come to see me.

  Think about it.

  Your father.

  Dante walked in and shut the door.

  “What fresh madness has he decided to sprout this time?”

  I handed him the letter when he reached me.

  “Apparently his methods were merely unorthodox.”

  He frowned, his eyes scanning the page. He shook his head.

  “He has no fucking morals or shame. Honestly, can you believe this bullshit? I swear to fucking god he thinks you’re stupid.”

  Or he thought I was still a scared little boy who did everything he said so I wouldn’t be punished. Either way, I was getting tired of his letters. They reminded me how manipulative and sick in the head our father was.

  “It makes me wonder why he treated us so differently. He only hurt me when I was actually bad. The rest of the time he just made me feel like shit with his words.”

  “Zach isn’t just some mindless monster. He’s cold and calculating. He studied us so he could hit us where it hurt the most. Don’t be fooled by anything he says.”

  Dante was right. I couldn’t let him get in my head again. It would only send me back into that pit of despair where I questioned everything I did. Back to the time where I relied on Avery in ways I shouldn’t have. Though, honestly, what happened between us was more about what she needed at the time than me. I let her take from me and she took far too much.

  “And let’s not forget what he did to the girls. That was just plain cruel. They can’t find out about these.”

  “We can’t find out about what?”

  Both of us looked up at the door where Jen and Fi were standing, eyebrows raised.

  Fuck.

  Before either of us had a chance to put the letter somewhere they couldn’t see it, Jen strode towards us and snatched it out of Dante’s hand.

  “Jen…” Dante said, his tone laced with warning.

  “What the fuck? How long has this been going on?” Jen demanded, handing it off to Fi when she was finished.

  “A few weeks. That’s the third one,” I said.

  There was no point lying to them. We shouldn’t have hidden it but neither of us wanted to upset our sisters.

  “Where are the other two?”

  “I gave them to Dante to get rid of.”

  Jen turned to him.

  “Did you?”

  “Yes,” Dante replied. “His words are venom and James doesn’t need to be reminded of his shit. I’m not keeping this one either.”

  Both of them shook their heads as Fi shoved the letter back at Dante.

  “You two weren’t going to tell us. What happened to dealing with things as a family?” she asked.

  I looked at Dante whose expression was dark.

  “I told you two that until you get counselling, we are not discussing Zach further. This was for your own good.”

  Fi crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Oh so you know what’s best for us now, do you?”

  His expression darkened further.

  “No. Did you forget you called me two weeks ago in tears because you saw a story about some idiot trying to get permission to interview him?”

  The twins looked at their feet.

  “Right. I thought so. It’s been years since it happened, isn’t it time you got help? I’m here for you as is James but we can only do so much.”

  The next moment, they’d both thrown themselves at him and were sobbing on his chest whilst he held them. Dante had always been their source of comfort as strange as that sounds. He’d taken care of them after everything our father did, even during the years when he was seemingly in Dad’s pocket.

  “Shhh, it’s okay,” he murmured.

  I tugged Jen away from him and held her instead. Dante gave me a grateful look over Fi’s shoulder. I stroked my sister’s hair whilst she gripped me tightly.

  “You’re okay. He can’t get to you again,” I whispered.

  “I hate him,” she mumbled.

  “We all do.”

  She pulled away and stared up at me with tear filled eyes and wet cheeks. Her expression tugged at my heart. My sisters had suffered so much and there was nothing Dante or I could do to change it.

  “You’re not going to see him, are you?”

  “What? No, why the fuck would I do that?”

  She nodded slowly.

  “Just making sure.”

  I grabbed a box of tissues off my desk and handed them to Jen. Both the twins cleaned up their faces before they turned back to Dante and me.

  “You can’t keep things about Dad from us,” Fi said.

  “Are you going to find a counsellor then?” Dante asked.

  The girls looked at each other for a long moment before Fi spoke, “Yes, we will. Just give us time to find the right person.”

  Dante looked as sceptical as I felt about that statement. They’d been putting it off for far too long. I understood talking about what Dad did to them was difficult, but they couldn’t go through life breaking down any time someone mentioned him. He might be behind bars, but he was still a monster who haunted all of us in different ways.

  “On a different topic, you’re practically glowing this morning,” Fi said, looking at me pointedly.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Oh, I think someone got laid,” Jen snigger
ed.

  I rolled my eyes and walked around my desk, taking a seat. I noticed Dante eying me more closely now.

  Just what I need, all my siblings noticing I had sex literally less than two hours ago.

  “I thought you and Cassie were done,” Fi said.

  “We are.”

  The twins glanced at each other.

  “Who’s the lucky lady this time?”

  “Don’t you all have work to do?”

  I was not going to tell them about Ellie because they’d spend eternity giving me shit about her. I’d already had enough over the fact that I’d been screwing the accountant.

  “You’ve blatantly got a secret lady love and we’re going to find out who it is,” Jen said with a twinkle in her eye.

  “Can you take them away please?” I said to Dante, giving him a pleading look.

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “Do you think I have control over them?”

  “More than me.”

  He looked at my sisters.

  “Why did you two come in here anyway?”

  Thank fuck for the subject change.

  “Oh, we were checking if you two were planning on attending the ball Avery’s charity is having.”

  I slapped my hand on my head, groaning. I’d completely forgotten Avery mentioned it was being organised months ago. No wonder she was pissed with me. Not only had I not been talking to her, but I’d not even responded to the invite she sent me well over a month ago. It wasn’t for another month or so, but she’d been helping plan this for ages.

  “Yeah, Liora, Brent and I are all confirmed,” Dante said.

  The twins looked at me.

  “Yes, of course I am,” I said. “It’s Avery’s thing, why wouldn’t I go?”

  I just had to tell her I was going. And perhaps I could persuade Ellie to come with me. It was, after all, for women like her. Then again, I didn’t want to push Ellie into doing anything she was uncomfortable with. We still had to talk about what was going on between us first.

  I just hoped she wanted the same thing as me.

  I want to make you mine, Ellie. No other bullshit. Just us. Together. As a couple.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ellie

  The problem with what happened between James and me was now he wasn’t with me, all I could think about was how wrong it was for me to sleep with him. He’s given me no promises or indication of anything more between us. For all I knew, he was still pining over Avery and I was just a distraction for him.

  He told me not to overthink everything, but I couldn’t help it. It whirled around and around in my head like a carousel. Even in his text messages, he didn’t really make anything clearer for me. He said he was looking forward to seeing me, but did that mean so he could have sex with me again or was he going to tell me he wanted some bullshit like friends with benefits?

  Why the hell had I had sex with a guy who was in love with his best friend?

  What kind of madness had possessed me?

  It was true I wanted an experience with someone who would treat me with care and show me sex could be pleasurable. He’d done that in spades. I’d never had such an intense experience with anyone. Never knew it could be like that between two people. It made me wonder why people took without giving anything in return. Surely it was better when both parties wanted each other?

  Some people were just fucked up and evil. They didn’t care what they took. It was all about them. With James, it had been about us, together, finding a release in each other. I mean, him going down on me was about the most erotic thing I’d ever seen. His eyes had been fixed on me the whole time, watching me as I came apart for him.

  I wanted more though. More of him. And not just sex, I wanted that connection we shared. He knew more about me than anyone else in this world. There were still so many secrets I had to share, but he was the person I wanted to confide in. He was the only man I’d ever felt safe with. He’d seen the damage inflicted on me and told me I was beautiful.

  I couldn’t help my doubts. All I’d had in my life was pain. People using and abusing me before tossing me out like I was a piece of dirt on their shoe. The only kindness I’d been shown was after I’d been rescued, but even then I had trouble trusting people. Letting them in. He hadn’t given me any reason to doubt him, but that didn’t mean I could fully trust he wasn’t playing with my feelings. I’d seen too much of the dark side of this world.

  The buzzer for my door went. I’d been so nervous about seeing him and now he was here. I went to the intercom and buzzed him in. It was a few minutes before he knocked on the door and I opened it.

  Why was he so beautiful? When I looked at him, all of my doubts went out the window. All I wanted to do was drown in James. Drown in the intense sensations he would no doubt draw out of me if I let him. I couldn’t afford to do that.

  “Hi,” I said, stepping back.

  “Hi yourself.”

  He reached for me as soon as he walked in, his hand curling around the back of my neck, reeling me in. I barely had a chance to get another word in when his lips met mine. I melted into him, not least because I’d missed him, but his mouth on mine made my knees weak.

  “Sweetheart,” he breathed, pulling away and resting his forehead against mine.

  Why did his touch have this effect on me? I wanted to please him. This was really fucked up. We had to talk and that meant I couldn’t let him be close to me or I’d lose my nerve.

  I backed out of his grasp, almost shoving him away from me. His expression fell, confusion painting his features.

  “Don’t.”

  “Ellie? What’s wrong?”

  He tried to take a step towards me but I put my hand up. It was now or never.

  “Please, don’t. You scramble my thoughts when you’re close to me and I can’t say what I have to say if I can’t think straight.”

  He went still, ocean blue eyes assessing me carefully.

  “Okay. I’ll stay here.”

  I nodded and backed away further, needing more distance between us. Balling my hands up in the sleeves of my jumper, I took a breath, focusing on what I wanted to say to him.

  “This…” I waved my hand between us. “I don’t know what this is. It was all so clear before you kissed me. We were friends and I was damn proud of myself for that. I’ve not been able to have a conversation with a man since I was rescued without my skin itching or feeling the urge to be sick. I was so happy when I spoke to you because it felt good not to feel like I was dying inside.”

  I looked away from him, unable to take the look of dread in his eyes. As if he knew what I was going to say would change so many things between us.

  “There were no conflicting emotions. No complications. I was safe with you. Safe because you’re in love with her.”

  I put my jumper clad fist to my mouth, finding myself trying to choke back tears which were beginning to well in my eyes. The pain of knowing that simple fact ripped right through my chest and broke my heart right in two.

  “Ellie, I—”

  I dropped my hand from my mouth.

  “Don’t, don’t tell me that’s not true because we both know it is. I was okay with that, you know, we were simply sharing our dark pasts with each other. I was never meant to feel anything else but kinship with you.”

  I slipped a hand from my jumper and rubbed my other arm with it.

  “Somehow I found myself wanting more. I wanted to be close to you. I craved the moments when our hands touched because it made me feel… alive. And I kept telling myself it was okay. That friends touched each other in a purely platonic way. I was kidding myself because deep down, I felt something else. Something deeper and it kept building until I couldn’t deny it any longer.”

  I heard him shift and I looked up. He’d taken a step towards me, his eyes intent on my face. There was longing in his eyes, the same longing I felt inside. The need to touch each other and make all this pain
go away.

  “And the thing is, I began to realise you felt it too. That you wanted more. I didn’t act on it, James. I tried to keep us as friends and you know why that is.”

  “Because of Avery.”

  I didn’t think it would hurt so much. Hearing her name. My chest felt tight and my heart burnt. The tears I didn’t want started falling.

  “You ruined it when you kissed me. You made it impossible to go back. That’s why I avoided you because I knew the second I saw you, I’d be lost. I wanted you so much I didn’t care about the consequences.”

  He took another step towards me. I should’ve moved away, but I was frozen in place.

  “We paused reality, but we can’t escape it forever. It’s right here.”

  “Nothing is ever going to happen with Avery, you know that.”

  He closed the distance and wrapped his hands around my shoulders. The heat of his palms burnt through my clothing. I stared up at him, tears spilling down my cheeks, feeling desolation set in.

  “But it already did, didn’t it? Tell me the truth. What happened between you two?”

  I knew there was far more to what he’d told me.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “No, it isn’t. It’s pretty simple. You either slept with her or you didn’t.”

  His expression was pained as if I’d hit on a sore subject.

  “I did.”

  I crumbled. Even though I knew it had to be the case, my world fucking disintegrated before my eyes. Somehow truly knowing they’d been together intimately made it worse than ever. He caught me against his chest as my legs buckled and held me.

  “Sweetheart,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

  “When? When did it happen?” I sobbed into his chest, clutching his coat with both fists.

  “When we were seventeen and it carried on for two years, on and off.”

  He must’ve thought I was crazy, getting upset about something that happened so long ago. Hell, I thought I was crazy right now.

  “Why did it end?”

  “A guy at Uni asked her out and she wanted to start seeing him. We were never really together. She wasn’t coping with her parents’ expectations of her very well… she sought solace in me and I gave it to her even though it felt wrong to sleep with my best friend. I saw her as family, I still do. All the lines just got blurred. My feelings grew into something they shouldn’t have, but I still let her go when she wanted to stop. I’ve never been able to say no to her.”