My heart broke further for him. She’d taken advantage of his affection for her. Didn’t he see that?
He stroked my hair, holding me tighter. I felt like such an idiot, crying over his feelings for his best friend. I wanted him to feel that way about me not her.
Hold on, what?
Was I jealous?
I was.
She was first. She’d had him first. And she didn’t cherish him in the way she should’ve. In the way he deserved. I didn’t know her, but what she’d done was selfish.
“Ellie, I don’t want her like that. Not anymore.”
He wanted her that way not so long ago. You couldn’t just turn feelings off like that.
“If you’re going to tell me you want me, you can save it.”
He sighed.
“You’ve already made up your mind, haven’t you?”
I had. Before he even got here. Before I saw him and my resolve started to crumble.
“I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice and I refuse to live in another girl’s shadow. I deserve more.”
When he said nothing, my heart shattered. Funny that I hadn’t realised how much I cared about this man until now. How my feelings had blossomed. How much I desperately wanted him when I couldn’t have him. I could but it wouldn’t feel right. I’d always wonder if he wished I was Avery. That was stupid because I knew I wouldn’t be some kind of consolation prize, but she was still in his life. She was still an important part of his world. I would never, ever ask someone to give up their friend for me. Especially not someone who’d been in his life for almost twenty years. I wasn’t selfish.
“I think you should go,” I whispered even though the words sounded hollow to my ears.
I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to stay and kiss away my tears. Touch me in the way I knew he could. Heal my poor wounded heart.
He kissed the top of my head before laying his cheek on it.
“I don’t think you want that,” he whispered back.
“It’s not about what I want… it’s about what’s best for both of us.”
If I could have what I wanted, it would be him. He would be mine. And I’d be his. How I fucking desperately wanted to be his. I recognised something in him which I longed for. A sense of belonging. Someone who’d take care of me. Who’d make me feel worthy again. I’d spent too long feeling like I was worthless. Nothing and nobody. He’d help me fix that part of me if I let him. When I was with James, I felt like I could give up all my control and hand it over to him for safekeeping because he wouldn’t abuse me.
He raised his head from mine and shifted, tucking a hand under my chin and forcing my face up towards him. His gaze was so intense, it almost burnt me.
“You’re right. I’m not worthy of you.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond. If I had, I would’ve told him that wasn’t true. It hadn’t been what I meant when I said I deserved more. It had nothing to do with worth. It had everything to do with wanting to be the only girl in his heart. But he let me go abruptly and walked out of my flat without a backwards glance.
I stumbled towards my bed and sat down, tears still flowing freely down my cheeks. How had that conversation gone so badly wrong? I wanted to at least end things amicably. Instead, I’d become an emotional wreck and now he thought he was unworthy. What kind of person makes another feel like that? He didn’t need that. He’d already been through enough with his father.
It hit me all at once. James told me his dad had been verbally abusive. I knew what that was like. When someone got in your head and made you feel like you weren’t worth anything.
Oh fuck. No. No. No.
Had what I said got to him? Did he feel as worthless as I sometimes did? I put a hand to my mouth, trying to stifle a sob. Had I made everything worse by trying to do the right thing? Who knew. I hadn’t let him speak. Let him explain things to me on his own terms. I was an idiot. A stupid fucking idiot who’d just made a complete mess of things.
What was the fucking point? I didn’t deserve him. It wasn’t the other way around. He deserved more than my bullshit. My damage. My messy baggage. James deserved a girl who would love him the way he was and not be idiotically jealous that his best friend would always be his first love.
He doesn’t need me.
I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head. My life was one big fucking joke. Why did I think I was capable of being a normal girl, who had normal relationships and lived a normal life?
I’m not normal.
I’ll never be normal.
***
I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke up to a loud banging noise. My head was pounding in my skull like I’d had too much to drink even though I hadn’t had a drop. Pulling the covers off me, I realised the banging was coming from my front door.
What the hell?
Who would be banging at my door? This area sucked. People didn’t care who they let in our block of flats. I should’ve moved ages ago, but I was happy here in my own little private space.
I got up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Daylight streamed in through the window. I picked up my phone from the bedside table. It was almost eleven. Had I really slept that long? It can’t have been that long past eight last night when I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
The banging intensified.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” I huffed.
I walked over to the door, unlatched it and pulled it open. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d checked who it was through the peephole.
“D…Dad?”
“Hello Ellie.”
His smile made my skin crawl. He shoved me backwards into the flat and walked in. I stumbled, almost losing my footing, but he reached out and caught me by the arm. His grip was far too tight. The door slammed shut behind us.
“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“How indeed. I have my ways… but look at you. All grown up.”
I stared up at him. Into the sky blue eyes which matched my own. I hated that I looked so much like him. I wished I had more of Mum in me.
“What do you want?”
I tried to pry his fingers off my arm, but he snatched my other hand and wrenched it behind my back. He was far too close now. My scars itched and a chill ran down my spine.
“Now the Daniels are gone, you’re mine again, Ellie. Mine to do what I want with.”
“W…What?”
Was he crazy? I didn’t belong to him. He sold me. He didn’t have the rights to anything. My father was a drug addict, a wife beater and a worthless piece of shit.
“Did you think I wouldn’t come for you?”
“Why? Why now? It’s been two and a half years since they went down. I never told anyone about you. What you did.”
He leant toward me.
“And you won’t. Not if you know what’s good for you. I have need of you. You see, I got myself cleaned up. Run my own little operation now.”
I didn’t care if he needed me. He wasn’t having me. He could go to hell.
“You sold me! Why would I do anything for you now?”
I tried to kick him, just to get him off me. He pushed me back until I hit the wall. I yelped from the pain as he bent my arm in an awkward angle behind my back.
“You dirty whore. You’ve been spreading your legs for every fucking Tom, Dick and Harry, haven’t you?”
“No. Get off me.”
He laughed.
“Oh no, you’ve got your sights set higher, haven’t you? I’ve watched you. You and that Benson boy.”
I froze, my heart pounding in my ears.
He knows about James. Oh fuck. No. He can’t know about James.
“That’s right, little slut. I know all about your games. You think you can get your dirty little paws on his money.”
I shook my head. I di
dn’t want anyone’s money. All I wanted was normality away from all the horrors life had inflicted on me. The horrors this man who was holding me against the wall had subjected me to by selling me to the Daniels.
“It’s not like that.”
His smile grew deadly.
“Of course it isn’t. You’re too fucking selfless for that shit. But you’re going to do this anyway, Ellie. You’re going to make that boy yours, wind him around your little finger and marry him. Next, you’ll deny him everything, including sex until he snaps and finds it somewhere else. Then you’re going to take him and his fucking family for all their worth, you hear me?”
My dad was insane. Actually fucking insane. Did he really believe I would trick James like that? He had no idea how fucked up that was.
“And why the hell would I ever do that?”
“If you want to see your mother again, you will do what I say. You’ll get me their money.”
I shook my head. I wouldn’t hurt James like that, not even for my mother. No matter how much I loved her and she was the only person who loved me in return, she’d stayed with Dad. She made her choice.
“No. I won’t do it. I won’t. You have no idea what you’re asking. You can get money some other way. I won’t fucking hurt his family for you. Not after everything they’ve already been through. I won’t, I tell—”
He slapped me across the face. The sting of his palm shocking me into silence.
“You listen here you little bitch. You will do everything I say or it’ll be worse for you.”
I would never do anything he said ever again. I’d promised myself I was done with him. Done with everything to do with my shitty father.
“Go to hell. I wish you fucking died of an overdose, you selfish, worthless piece of shit.”
And I wish I’d never said that.
The next thing I knew his fist came up and the world went black.
Chapter Seventeen
James
Having not slept all night, here I was sitting in the living room of the person who was the source of all the conflict between Ellie and me holding her kid like everything was fucking normal. But nothing was normal. Everything was a mess.
You don’t deserve Ellie. She’s right. You don’t deserve her because of your bullshit mess with Avery.
I didn’t want Ellie to ever feel like she was second best. She was first. First fucking place. Until I could get my feelings straight and my shit in gear, I wasn’t worthy of her. But I was determined to be. I was going to prove to Ellie she was my number one. I just didn’t know how yet.
Afie was sleeping in my lap. The instant I walked in their flat, Avery had handed her off onto me and gone to make tea. I’d taken her into the living room, sat down on the sofa and stroked her face whilst she gripped my finger with her small hand and fell asleep. Oddly, this seemed to happen every time I held her. As if I was a calm source of comfort for her.
“Do you have any idea how jealous I am that my own daughter instantly falls asleep when she’s with you?”
I looked up, finding her leaning against the doorframe with two mugs of tea in her hands. Avery looked as tired as I felt.
“Why? Does she give you trouble?”
She walked in, popping the mugs down on the coffee table.
“Um, like all the time. She refuses to nap, instead, screams bloody murder for hours on end until she exhausts herself.” She plopped herself down next to me, putting a hand over her eyes. “I don’t get it. She’s so good for Aiden.”
“She’s a Daddy’s girl clearly.”
“Ugh, don’t. I knew she would be. Daddy’s little princess can do no wrong. I tell you, it’s a fucking nightmare.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Do I detect trouble in paradise? Jealous you’re not his only princess anymore.”
She lowered her hand and gave me a look.
“Fuck off.”
I grinned. Fuck I’d missed her. Missed this, just the two of us giving each other hell. This was normality and strangely, I felt nothing else. There was no stabbing pain in my chest at the thought of her and Aiden. No jealousy that Afie was her daughter with him. Nothing. Just the love I’d always felt for her. The platonic kind of love which made me want to protect her. Like she was family.
What the fuck?
For so long I’d been craving something else with Avery and now, all I wanted was for her to be happy like she should be. Be happy with the man she was meant to be with. Aiden. She belonged with Aiden. She was never mine. And that was okay. It was perfectly okay.
Questioning why this was happening wouldn’t do me any good. Embracing it would. Perhaps this was my first step to becoming worthy of Ellie. Letting go of whatever it was I’d felt for Avery when we’d got tangled up together.
“I’m kidding. You’ll always be his first love.”
She smiled, her cheeks going a faint shade of red.
“You know it’s cute she holds your finger like that. Never does it with anyone else. I think Aiden’s a little jealous.”
I raised an eyebrow. Who’d have thought?
“Where is he anyway?”
“Oh, he went shopping. He grumbled about there being nothing in to make lunch what with you ringing to say you’re coming over.”
I decided this morning it was high time I saw her, considering it’d been weeks. We needed to clear the air. And I needed to tell her about Ellie even though I’d fucked things up on that score.
“He didn’t need to do that on my behalf.”
“I told him so, but my god, he was in such a fucking mood this morning. Mr Neat Freak locked us in the bedroom so he could tidy the flat. Afie was screaming the whole time. Then he came back in when he was done, took her and had the audacity to have a go at me for not calming her down like it was my fault she was upset about god knows fucking what.”
Avery told me he continued to have control issues, but I guess some days were worse than others. And being parents for the first time couldn’t be easy for them.
“I’m sorry, I could’ve come over another time, you know.”
She shook her head.
“No, it’s fine. I’m glad you’re here. I’m trying my best to take care of both of them, you know. I just wish he’d see that. He gets to go be at the shop and the gallery, but I’m here all the time with Afie. Sometimes that’s too much, you know.”
There were tears welling in her eyes.
“Hey, hey, come here.”
I put an arm out to her and she curled into me, careful not to disturb Afie. I stroked her hair.
“It’s okay, Ave. He knows you’re doing your best. If you want, I can take Afie out for a walk or something and you two can sort shit out between you when he gets back.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
I hated seeing her like this. It tore at my heart. She loved Aiden and Afie to death. Her poor heart couldn’t take this type of conflict.
“I think I do. Afie and I will be fine for an hour or so. You two do what you do best, hmm?”
She raised her head and looked at me with narrowed, tear filled eyes.
“Are you suggesting I fuck my problems with Aiden away?”
I laughed, grinning and raising my eyebrows up and down.
“Oh, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting.”
“For god’s sake, you always have your mind in the fucking gutter like Aiden. It’s a wonder I put up with either of you dirty little shits.”
She was smiling at me though.
“Don’t tell me it won’t work.”
“Stop, please.”
“Nope, not until you admit the both of you clearly need to get laid.”
She shoved me gently and pulled away, folding her arms over her chest.
“I hate that you’re right.”
“See, I’m a genius.”
“Are fucking not.”
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. The
sound of the lock turning on the front door, made her look over to the hallway.
“The offer is there.”
She got up and gave me a look.
“Fine, she’ll likely stay asleep anyway now she’s down for a nap. Sling or buggy?”
“I’d rather not be pushing a fucking buggy around to be honest.”
“I’ll get her stuff, just a sec.”
I heard a murmur of voices a few minutes later before she came back with the baby sling and a bag of Afie’s things for me. She put Afie in the sling and attached her to my chest before we went out into the hall. Helping me into my coat and shoes, she sighed.
“All good?” I asked.
“He’s still in a mood,” she told me, her voice low. “Probably best you’re taking her out, I feel like this might end up turning into a shouting match. Thank you, though. I really appreciate it.”
I squeezed her arm.
“It’ll be okay. I can handle a sleeping baby. Just text me when you’re done.”
She gave me a tight smile and I let myself out. What the hell did I look like? I had a fucking baby strapped to my chest all because I knew my best friend needed to have it out with her husband. I sighed, waiting for the lift as I raked my fingers through my hair. I really would do anything for Avery.
I wandered along their street when I got outside, checking to make sure Afie was still sleeping. She looked so peaceful. I really hoped her parents would end up fucking rather than fighting, although it would likely be both. Again, there was no stabbing pain in my chest. Strange.
I noticed I was getting looks from women as I walked. I could’ve sworn I heard one of them whispering quite loudly to another how she was jealous of whoever my girlfriend was because I looked so hot with a baby. I almost slapped my hand over my head. What was wrong with people? Afie wasn’t even my kid. Usually, female attention didn’t faze me, but today, it just irked me. The only female I wanted attention from I couldn’t have.
Promises Page 17