by Alan Black
The Gunny said, “I always do. That is why I am still a Gunnery Sergeant and haven’t been promoted to Top. Just drink faster. You are drinking with the marines now. You go all out or you go home.”
“Aye, aye, Gunny, I got it,” Stone grinned.
“Not really, Mister Stone,” Gunny said shaking his head. “If you leave an unattended drink on the bar top for too long, someone will drink it for you. Then everyone will know what you are or are not drinking.”
“Ah. Thank you, Gunny, excellent advice.”
Stone downed the fake Albiean Harmonic Six-Step and picked up the Purple Jeezus and sipped it. It was purple, but it did not taste any different than the first one. He glanced over to see Hammermill take a sip out of his glass.
“Whoooeee! That is some wild stuff, Gunny,” Hammermill shouted.
“Do you want to know a secret between us sober men, Mister Stone?” Gunny grinned at Stone. “His drink is exactly like yours. It is completely without alcohol. He has already had way too much and I won’t serve him anymore. I just put a splash of hot sauce from the kitchen in his purple cola to give it some bite. He and everyone else around him thinks he is still drinking. He won’t know any difference, not even in the morning when he wakes up and it burns to pee.”
Stone glanced around him. “How many of these people are getting doctored drinks?”
“That is a trade secret, Mister Stone. There are just enough that I am not going to have to mop up vomit or have to have marine officers carried through the corridors in a drunken stupor in front of their men.”
“Protecting them even from themselves?”
The Gunny nodded. “We all need to blow off steam, but these are my officers. I am not going to have them embarrassed. After a couple of hours, selective drinks will start getting shots of detox. That’ll let them sober up enough to leave the party under their own power.”
“Thank you for sharing your secret, Gunny,” Stone said. “May I ask how you are managing this bar by yourself? I mean, there are a lot of people drinking here. I seem to be monopolizing your time.”
Gunny replied, “Sure, Mister Stone, the drinks don’t really need me, but humans seem to get a great deal of comfort from seeing a human behind the bar. Here, it is all in this programming.”
Gunny tapped a few strokes on a keyboard at the back of the bar. Half a dozen displays popped to life in front of Stone turning the bar top into a work station.
“I can recognize these two,” Stone nodded. “This is input of supplies and this is outflow of drinks, right?”
“Right, Mister Stone. Good eye.” He pointed down the bar to a row of drink stations. “Each spigot dispenses a variety of drinks depending on what the patron orders. The system then automatically mixes and dispenses the drinks based on my special recipes.” He slid one of the displays out of the way and slid another in front of Stone. “See on this display, that is a voice recognition program for every officer in the place. We have a ‘tradition’ that the first drink is hand made by me. Then, if the officer approves of the taste, it is programmed to be made for him every time he orders at a spigot.”
Gunny tapped the display and highlighted a series of connecting dots. “This is the relay from the breathalyzer built into the microphone at the spigot that alerts me to inappropriate alcohol levels.”
“Is this your program, Gunny?” Stone asked. “I can see the automatic fill rates level here and here and this looks like a subroutine that will automatically generate requisition for procurement refill, right?”
“Yes, sir, very good eye. I wrote the basics, but me and a couple of the boys have been refining it for a couple of years now. We figure to open our own bar when we retire.”
“Good luck with the bar, Gunny. This program should make operations a breeze,” Stone shook his head. “One thing though, I am a mister, not a sir. Midshipmen don’t rate a sir.”
Gunny laughed. “Sir is a term of respect. You obviously appreciate my work here, plus any man who can catch Lieutenant Vedrian’s eye rates a ‘sir’ from me. Besides, what else would I call a man who took down Heller and Hammermill?”
“It wasn’t really like that, Gunny,” Stone shook his head again.
Gunny laughed. “Don’t I know! It is always different from the story. I’ve got a nine year old granddaughter on Blighter Three that could knock Lieutenant Hammermill down right now. Pardon me, sir. I’ve got some work to do.” Gunny moved off leaving the displays on.
Stone slid the displays around, playing with the controls, watching them change with the automatic corrections in the software smoothing the operations. He pushed two displays out of the way. He did not really pay attention when they stopped one on top of the other.
He finished looking at the display showing out going drinks. He noticed every officer was coded so he could not tell who was drinking what. But, he found a subroutine and called up a window insert that de-coded the officers tracking data. He scanned through the list until he found Lieutenant Heller was indeed here and had been drinking steadily for an hour.
Heller’s breathalyzer readings had reached a point that his next drink would begin to be doctored. Stone could trace where the program was anticipating the appropriate levels of alcohol and detox. Stone could also see Heller was consistently using the same spigot across the crowded room.
Stone reached up to drag another display back and noticed the two stacked on top of each other. He spun the top one around to orient them in the same direction. He grabbed another display he did not recognize. He dragged it over and dropped in on top of the stacked two.
“Hunh. It’s a payment matrix,” Stone said to himself.
“Sir, I see you found the stacking capabilities,” Gunny said as he returned.
Stone nodded. “What I see, Gunny is that you have charged Lieutenant Hammermill for two Purple Jeezus, when you and I both know that is not what he got. These are automatic debits against his accounts, correct?”
Gunny replied, “Sir, I didn’t figure you to find the payment matrix. Listen, sir. I know what it looks like, but all of the money from each of these drinks goes back into the officer’s fund. Me and none of the boys touch the excess. We just charge for real drinks and the officers make a small profit. They can have a little better party each time they throw a party.”
“And this series of payments, Gunny?”
Gunny pulled another series of displays over and stacked them next to the stack Stone had reviewed. “These are the transfer codes on the transient officers. They carry the hidden codes with them and their new command’s officer fund gets the deposit, completely unknown to anyone.”
“Gunny, I can see how your civilian bar would be a great financial success.”
“Sir, I wouldn’t shortchange a customer. We only do it here because we are marines and we watch out for each other. They keep any overcharges and go to their billets without being so drunk as to embarrass themselves, sir.”
“It is not really my business, Gunny,” Stone said. “I am not good enough to audit these books. Strangely enough, since you told me about this in confidence I guess it will remain just between us. One thing though, unless I read this wrong, it looks like you have charged Lieutenant Vedrian for an Albiean Harmonic Six-Step. I do believe she really ordered a cola that looks like an Albiean Harmonic Six-Step. So, unless I am wrong, she should be charged for a cola, right?”
Gunny leaned it to stare at the display. He spun it around to look at it upright. “Well, ride me ragged. I don’t guess we ever built the system to charge for a fake drink.”
“Sure you did, Gunny. Every fake drink the customer orders gets listed,” Stone said.
“No, sir. The customer is ordering a real drink, but getting a fake one. This time it is a customer who was ordering a fake drink as if it were real and still getting the fake. That is kind of a double fake.”
“It shouldn’t be a big problem,” Stone said. “Just run a subroutine from here, to here, and back to here. You will cause th
e program to loop back on itself and charge for what the customer really ordered, no matter what they called the drink.”
Gunny grinned. “That-” The grin drained away from his face as he looked over Stone’s shoulder. “Oh, Hell!”
Heller’s voice cut through the crowd noise. “There is that navy puke. I’ve been looking for you since I heard you got here.”
Stone spun around and looked at Second Lieutenant Heller. If anything, his shirt was more garish than Hammermill’s shirt. The marine was obviously drunk, but he appeared to be steady on his feet. He stood with his legs braced and his fists clenched.
Stone looked around, but didn’t see Major Numos or Lieutenant Vedrian. He took a deep breath and slid off the bar stool. He took the two steps to stand in front of Heller. His intention had been to stand face-to-face, but it turned out it was more face-to-chest. He realized a ring of men and women had formed around him and they had grown quiet watching the two.
Stone smiled. “Marine Second Lieutenant Heller. I need to apologize for not calling on you earlier to pay my respects since our meeting on Lazzaroni Station. I have no excuse for my rudeness.”
Lieutenant Heller’s eyes glazed and then unglazed. He blinked and stared at Stone. “What?” Heller said.
“I said who buys the first round of drinks? Do I owe you a drink or do you owe me one?” Stone answered, realizing the lieutenant was much more intoxicated than he appeared.
“Drinks? Damn right I need a drink,” Heller said.
“Sir, I suggest that you allow me to buy a round of drinks for everyone in the room. Then, you can buy the next round. After that we can call it even. Right? One for each of us?”
Heller tapped Stone on the shoulder. “Yep, sounds right to me.” He shouted across the room, “The next drink is on the navy.”
An indecipherable roar filled the room as marine officers rushed the drink spigots.
Stone said, “Lieutenant Heller, I suggest that you try an Albiean Harmonic Six-Step. Hammer can tell you how good it is, right Hammer?” Stone turned to see that Hammermill and the female officer were both gone. Stone shrugged. “Hey Gunny, fix up the lieutenant, if you please.”
Gunny leaned across the bar and spoke to Stone so that no one else could hear. “I can fix him up so he won’t even remember that you were here.”
“No, Gunny. I don’t think that will be necessary,” Stone shook his head. “I think Lieutenant Heller’s bark is worse than his bite.”
Gunny shook his head, “No, sir. Lieutenant Heller is a marine in the employ of the Emperor. I can guarantee when they unleash Hell his bite is fatal. His bark is only slightly less so.”
“Thanks for the offer, Gunny. I am sure you have your recorders on?” When the man nodded, Stone continued. “Then if I should be subject to Hell’s bite you can cover yourself and Lieutenant Heller by proving I had the option to walk away and didn’t. So, I brought it on myself. Now, if you please, mix the marine his drink.”
Stone glanced over his shoulder but Heller was gone.
Gunny pointed at the line at the spigots. Lieutenant Heller was standing in line to get his drink. He was laughing and shoving a group of other officers, who were laughing and shoving back. Heller bent over at the waist and raised one leg. Even through the noise, Stone could hear the fart Heller let loose.
Marines faked gagging, choking and began making vomit noises, but they all backed away from Heller. The man laughed and stepped up to the now clear spigot.
“Mister Stone, I can fix the payment schedule to misplace the order from you to buy a round of drinks for the room,” Gunny said.
Stone shook his head and climbed back onto the barstool. “Not necessary, but thanks for the offer.”
“Are you sure?” Gunny asked. “There are a lot of marines in this room. It might get a bit expensive.”
“Gunny, I haven’t spent a dime of my paycheck since I joined the navy seven months ago. I don’t make much as a midshipman, but I think my account can hold up to this. Just don’t forget to charge Heller for his offer to buy the next round.”
A huge hand grabbed Stone by the shoulder and spun him around. Allie all but shouted, “What is this I hear about you buying a round of drinks?”
Stone just looked at her.
“Well, say something,” Allie demanded.
“Wow. I have never seen you out of your uniform before.”
“You still haven’t seen me out of my uniform, Buster,” Allie said as she blushed, “And you might not if you go around buying a round a drinks at the drop of a hat. That is a waste of money on this group. Besides, these are just civvies.”
“Wow. I never saw civvies look so good. You are stunning.”
Allie blushed even deeper. “Yeah, well, thanks.” She slid onto the barstool next to Stone. She slid gently as the long, black dress was tight from the bodice to her ankles and it was slit all the way up the side, stopping only at her ribcage. The top of the dress would have been open and flowing on any normal woman, but Allie was designed to marine specifications with muscles that strained the loose fabric and tested whatever system the designer had imagined would hold the dress up. Any quick movements would reveal parts of her that the dress was obviously designed to cover.
Once she was settled she signaled to Gunny for a drink. “I’ll have what Mister Stone is having. What the hell is that?”
“It is a Purple…” Stone stopped. He pulled his gaze away from Allie long enough to look at the drink in his hand. “Well, I had been drinking a Purple Jeezus, but I don’t know what this is.”
Gunny laughed and set another drink in front of him and an identical drink before Allie. “Please forgive me for overhearing your conversation, but Lieutenant Vedrian I have seen civvies and what you are wearing is some set of civvies.”
Stone nodded, his eyes going back to looking at Allie. “I can’t stop staring. If I went blind right now I would still be happy.”
Allie snarled, “That’s enough. Stop it you two.” But, she smiled. “Gunny, you are old enough to know better than to talk to an officer that way. Plus, you should know better than to let a navy midshipman buy a round of drinks for a roomful of drunken marines.”
“Hold it, Allie. I don’t need a babysitter,” Stone said. “I don’t want to have an argument this early in our relationship, but don’t treat me like a child. Okay? I did what I did without asking anyone’s permission: Gunny’s, my mother’s or your’s.”
Allie slammed her fist on the bar rattling drinks all along the length. “Dammit, I just…” She unclenched her jaw and closed her eyes for a second. “You are right. I am sorry, Stone. I just feel kind of protective, you know?”
“I know, but Grandpa said the whole reason for me joining the navy was to learn to fend for myself. I bought the round of drinks when I found myself facing Lieutenant Heller. Rather than let him turn mean, I sort of distracted him by buying a round of drinks and getting him to buy a second round. It seemed to work. Rather than punch me, which I thought was his intention, he went away happy and got a fresh drink.”
“You got Hell-child to buy a round of drinks?” Allie said in amazement. “I didn’t know that was possible. Maybe when he sees the charges on his bank statement it will teach him to drink a bit more moderately. Do you have any idea what this will do to your bank account?”
Stone shrugged, “I haven’t spent much since I joined the navy, so it may hurt a bit, but I thought it would hurt less than getting pounded by Lieutenant Heller.”
Gunny rapped his knuckles on the bar top to get their attention. “Sorry to interrupt, but I have been showing Mister Stone the officer’s club books. I had to enter him as an official club member to charge him for the round of drinks. Do you see this line here? Well, it is in positive numbers and climbing. Every officer in the place has bought Mister Stone a drink. Some of them have even offered to pick up part of his tab for buying the round.”
“I can follow those numbers, Gunny,” Stone said, “but buying me drink
s should debit their accounts, not credit mine.”
Gunny said, “Well, sir, it seems the system is giving you credit for every drink that was ordered for you that you really didn’t drink. Since you are drinking Lieutenant Vedrian’s ‘special’ cocktails and the officers are ordering you some really weird and expensive mixes…well, you know how the system calculates those excesses. Not that you could drink that many colas. The numbers keep climbing as word is spreading how you wrestled the Hammer to the ground and backed Hellion down for a second time.”
“Wait a minute, Gunny. I didn’t make Lieutenant Heller back down, I just distracted him. And Allie, you were there, I didn’t wrestle Lieutenant Hammermill to the ground either. He mostly tripped and I just gave him a little push.”
Gunny said, “I know what I saw, sir. You wrestled Lieutenant Hammermill to the ground with a special martial arts move that put his rear on the deck faster than he could react. And I saw you face down Lieutenant Heller and made him back off. That plus I have been serving you the most alcoholic swill I know how to make and you take it all in and are as sober as the day you were born. That is what I saw and that is the story I am telling.”
“But…,” Stone said.
Allie shook her head. “The story has already taken a life of it’s own. It won’t really hurt those two too much, so we let it go.”
“Yes, sir,” Gunny added. “It just means you are going to walk out of here tonight with a tidy little profit and, if you don’t mind my saying, the prettiest woman in the room on your arm. Midshipman Stone, you are going to be the biggest legend the Marine Corps has seen since Lieutenant Stephen Decatur.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Stone sat at a work desk and spread the display in front of him. He used the stylus and added a column of numbers, wiped the response and re-added them.
“Nope, Allie. It is not coming out right.”
Allie looked up from her book. “Did you follow the directions?”
“Yes sir, step by step, but I am still not getting the right answer.”