Moving up the steps, I reached for Lex's arm. He followed without hesitation and when I called out each step to him, he took them with confidence. His trust in me was humbling.
Once we were settled in the truck, I said, "Is Merv's okay? It doesn't have a huge selection, but it's got some decent stuff. Otherwise we have to drive over to Bluewater Ridge to go to one of the grocery stores there."
"Yes, that should be fine. Thanks for doing this, Gideon. Andre wasn't able to make it yesterday because of the weather and then today the car broke down, so I was running a bit low on stuff. I didn't want to risk going another day living off granola bars."
"Granola bars? Why in the world didn't you call me sooner?" I asked angrily. The idea that Lex had risked a diabetic crisis by eating foods that were only meant to supplement his diet made me crazy. "Did you have any episodes? How are you feeling right now? Did you test your blood sugar?"
"First off, I'm fine and my blood sugar is fine. Second off, why are you getting so upset?" Lex asked. Even if I hadn't heard it in his voice, the anger in his expression was clear.
"Because you should've called me!" I snapped impatiently. "What if something had happened? I told you to call me if you needed anything! It's been a week and I haven't heard a single thing from you!" I wanted to call back the last sentence as soon as I said it. If he read it the wrong way—
"Maybe I didn't call because I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would've actually stopped by to say hi instead of sneaking around and doing things behind my back."
I opened my mouth to argue with him but before I could say anything he added, "And don't play innocent with me, Gideon. I'm blind, not deaf. This truck of yours doesn’t exactly have a stealth mode."
"You heard me?" I asked.
"Yeah, I heard you. I heard you moving around the porch and the only thing I can think of is that you were restocking the log pile because I checked and it's not very big, yet I never ran out of wood all week. And when the power went out, I hadn't even made it down to the front door before I heard you pulling up. I waited each time for you to come say hi, but you didn't. So I figured that was the way you wanted it, and I only called you today because I didn't want to risk my health. Believe it or not, Gideon, I'm a grown man and I don't need to take this shit from some guy I barely even know. I have four older brothers who have the overprotective thing down pat. But with them, at least I know they do it because they love me, not out of obligation or because they feel sorry for me."
Before I could even process Lex's tirade, he was reaching for the door handle. I automatically snagged him by the arm to keep him from getting out of the truck. "Where are you going? You said you needed a ride."
"Don't bother. I'll figure something else out. Sorry to have troubled you." Lex tugged his arm, but I found it impossible to release him. He was right. My reaction had been over the top.
"I'm sorry, Lex. You're right, I overreacted." I could tell that my apology had fallen on deaf ears when Lex continued to try to escape my hold on him. I knew that if he got out of the truck, I’d never get a chance to talk to him again. He'd found the courage to call me and ask me for help, and the second I'd arrived to give it, I’d jumped down his throat. I didn't blame him for wanting to get away from me. "Wait," I said desperately. Instead of hanging on to Lex's coat, I slid my hand down and grabbed his. "Just wait, please," I murmured.
Thankfully, Lex stilled, though he didn't relax at all.
"Look, I just… I’ve been worried about you all week, but I didn't want to hover. And I…"
"You what?" Lex asked. I wasn't sure, but his voice seemed a little softer now.
"I just don't know what to make of this," I admitted.
"Make of what? I’m sorry, I don't understand."
"This," I said in frustration as I motioned between us. I let out a muffled curse. When was I going to remember that I needed to find a better way of communicating with this man since he couldn't see my hand gestures and body language? The idea of having to use my words to explain what was going on in my muddled mind was daunting. "Us," I said. Then I realized how inappropriate that word sounded, so I clarified, "It's been a long time since I've had to do this with someone."
Lex's hand tightened on mine just a little and instead of leaning away from me like he was ready to jump out of the truck, he actually seemed to lean more in my direction. "What are you trying to do, Gideon?" he asked.
"Be your friend!" I snapped impatiently. "I don't know if you even want to be that, but if you do, you should know that I suck at it. I've spent the last two years alone for a reason and I like it that way."
I knew I wasn't making any sense, but I already felt like an idiot for what I'd said. If I opened my mouth again, more shit would spill out and I already felt exposed enough as it was. It was the exact reason I'd worked so hard to keep the people of Fisher Cove at arm’s length when I’d returned to the small town.
With Lex, I didn't run that same risk because he didn't know about my past and I intended to keep it that way. Admittedly, I had some kind of strange connection to the younger man, but maybe I just needed to let that run its course. My mind obviously wasn't going to let me just forget about Lex, so it made sense to at least keep up some kind of relationship with him so I would know that he was safe. Then maybe I'd at least get some fucking sleep at night.
"Gideon?"
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. I hadn't started the truck yet, so it was getting somewhat chilled in the cab. I glanced at Lex to make sure the coat he was wearing was thick enough for the elements and not that ridiculous long coat he'd worn on the first day. But of course, my gaze strayed to his face and I saw him looking at me. It was then that I realized I was still holding his hand. But when I went to release it, he held on.
"Yeah?” I murmured.
"Any chance Merv's sells cups of coffee?" Lex asked.
Something that had been really tight in my chest for the past week loosened considerably. I released his hand and reached for the key in the ignition. My truck rumbled to life and I found myself smiling when I realized how loud the damn thing really was.
"They do. But it tastes like shit and there's none of that fancy espresso stuff anywhere in Fisher Cove."
I chanced a glance at Lex and saw him smiling. "Then shitty coffee it is. I'm buying."
As I got the truck in gear and moving, I said, "So you're worth like a gazillion dollars and all you’re springing for is coffee? I don't even get a pastry or something?"
Lex laughed. "Pastries?" he asked. He looked my way and I swore I saw him wink. "If you want baked goods, you're going to have to put out, buddy."
On the surface, his line was absolutely ridiculous, especially with the added nickname of buddy. The problem was, Lex had no idea how intrigued I was by the idea of putting out. And I had a feeling I sure as shit would do it for a whole lot less than baked goods.
Chapter Eleven
Lex
Gideon had been worried about me and he wanted to be my friend.
I didn't even know how to process one of those things, let alone both.
Dwelling on either issue probably wasn't a good idea because the last thing I needed was to start having even stronger feelings for the man sitting next to me. Having realized I was gay at a pretty early age, I’d done what most gay men had at some point in their lives and found myself attracted on more than one occasion to straight men. Fortunately, I'd never actually gotten involved with one because there was no doubt how that kind of relationship would end.
With me nursing a broken heart.
Again.
As Gideon drove us into town, I couldn't help but wonder more about whatever event it was that had brought him back to a town that he clearly just wanted to disappear in. My gut was telling me it had something to do with his daughter's death, but I wasn't about to ask him about it. Even if we were friends, I doubted we were the kind of friends who told each other the heavy stuff. I figured, if anything, Gideon was m
ixing up the idea of friendship with the idea of obligation. He felt responsible for me because he’d found me that first day in such a vulnerable state. And even if he didn't want to admit it, there had to be at least a certain amount of pity in the whole thing. Hell, I'd pity someone like me. And the whole restocking the log pile and getting the generator going thing was just him doing his job.
Refusing to let the reality of my relationship with Gideon get me down, I focused on the little accomplishments I'd made in the past week. After Gideon had dropped me off, I’d explored the cabin in more detail and much more slowly. I'd found that things had changed from the first day when I'd arrived at the cabin. Gideon had mentioned that he'd moved items around, but that had been an understatement.
All the small knickknacks and furnishings that had probably been a nice touch decoration-wise but had been a nightmare for me to navigate around, had been removed. When I'd examined the countertop in the kitchen, I’d found only the bare necessities like the coffee maker and the microwave. The drawers had been cleaned out and organized in a way that I was able to easily feel out things like forks and knives. The other rooms had been transformed as well.
I’d spent the next several days just trying to acclimate to my surroundings. Getting from one room to another had been a painful process of feeling my way around and trying to remember certain things about each room that would help me figure out where I was at any given time. Like the living room having a large grandfather clock near the doorway. I hadn't yet made my way upstairs to try and figure out the second floor to the same degree, so I'd ended up sleeping on the couch each night. However, I had figured out how to get the fireplace working. Again, it had been a slow process, but I’d taken my time and instead of focusing on what I couldn't see, I’d focused on sounds and smells instead. I could still remember the little shout of victory I'd given when I’d started my first fire. I'd actually done a victory dance, but that was a secret I’d take to the grave with me.
After a few days, I'd started counting the steps between things. I knew it was twenty-six steps from the living room couch to the microwave. From there it was thirty-one steps to the bathroom. Thankfully, I had a pretty good memory, so it was easy to tuck away all the different counts and remember them for when I wanted to get somewhere. I wasn't sure how I'd apply that to my apartment back in Los Angeles, considering how much bigger it was, but at least I knew it was possible.
Cooking was the one thing I hadn't really given any thought to trying—not cooking on the stove, anyway. I'd made most of the food I'd eaten in the microwave and while it hadn't tasted particularly good, I'd at least done it by myself. The snag had been when I'd run out of food and hadn't arranged more quickly to have my driver, Andre, bring me more. I knew I probably should've paid the exorbitant fee to have Andre stay in Fisher Cove so he'd be at my beck and call, but that had been a certain level of dependence that I hadn't wanted to rely on.
I hadn't even considered calling Gideon after he’d dropped me off. I'd already imposed on the man so much and it hadn't been something I'd wanted to repeat. But when he’d shown up the very next day, I'd been elated. I’d actually stood in the kitchen near the front door so I could let the man in, but when there had been no knock and I'd heard the sound of his engine disappearing in the distance, I'd been bereft. I'd written it off to him being in a rush, but then when it had happened again that night and the next day and the day after, I’d accepted that he wasn't interested in seeing me. All he wanted was to do his job as caretaker of the cabin.
But this morning when my blood sugar had started to go above normal for me, I’d realized I didn't have a lot of options and I'd made that call to Gideon.
And here I was sitting next to a virtual stranger and wondering how I'd gone from welcoming the silence of Birch Cabin to craving the company of a man I knew so little about.
My thoughts occupied most of the drive into town. It wasn't until Gideon pulled the truck to a stop and then came around it to help me out that my confidence started to crumble. I'd been riding the high of realizing how simple it was to count the steps between locations in my cabin, and I’d just thought that somehow I could apply that same thing to an outing and it would be like I was almost normal. But the second I stepped foot on the hard pavement, I felt completely disoriented.
And utterly helpless.
Were there, even now, people watching me? Were they wondering what had happened to me even as they felt sorry for me?
I tried to listen for hushed whispers but heard nothing beyond the occasional car passing. There were other sounds too, but I just couldn’t identify any of them.
"Merv's is across the street," Gideon said as he took my arm and pulled me forward, presumably so he could shut the truck’s door. Then his hand disappeared from my arm and complete and utter panic set in. Had he left? Had he just assumed I'd be okay on my own and was planning to meet me back at the truck? What if he’d tired of me and was just going to drive off and leave me there? I had my phone with me, but what good would it do? Who would I call? Did such a small town even have a police force?
I wanted to reach out to see if Gideon's truck was still there. Logically, I knew it had to be because I hadn't heard the engine fire up, but when I put my hand out, the only thing that greeted it was air. I tried calling Gideon's name, but it got stuck in my throat.
My quickly closing-up throat.
I tried drawing in some oxygen, but it felt like nothing was getting through. My heart was racing in my chest and my limbs felt too heavy for my body.
"Hey… hey," I heard Gideon say and I nearly let out a sob of relief when his fingers closed around my upper arms. "I'm here, Lex. I'm here," I heard him say. There was a dark shape in front of me which I assumed was Gideon, but it didn't really matter. I was frozen in place, so even if I wanted to hug him, I couldn't.
"Lex, I need you to slow your breathing," Gideon said. "Just like we did in my house that first day, remember?"
My mind felt like it was going a million miles an hour. I wanted to tell him so and explain that there was no way I could count, let alone do anything else, but I’d gone completely mute. I was sure that in a matter of seconds, I'd be lying passed out on the ground.
"Lex, just listen to the sound of my voice." I felt big warm hands clasp my face and then there was a whisper of air against my ear as Gideon began counting. I swore I actually felt the softness of Gideon's lips on my skin as he began calling out numbers. I wanted to laugh at the insanity that I could focus on that, but not have the fortitude to do something as simple as count from one to ten by myself.
"Lex, you need to listen to my voice," Gideon reminded me. "One," he began, then he paused. "Hold your breath until I count again," he said. I pulled in some air and held it, even though my body fought me. Gideon's right hand had moved so his fingers were stroking the back of my neck. I ignored my body’s need to fight for breath by focusing on those fingers and waiting for Gideon to call off the next number. "Two. Now let out the breath, Lex."
I did as he said, but it still hurt like a son of a bitch. But Gideon didn't falter, so neither did I. I stopped listening to the actual numbers after a while and just listened for Gideon’s command to breathe in, then out. I couldn't say how long it was before it no longer hurt to take a breath. When I was finally able to focus on something besides Gideon, it was a relief.
Like how Gideon’s skin felt warm against mine where he was still touching me. I was so tired that I wanted to just lean into him, but as I heard Gideon start talking to someone, I remembered where we were. His hands were still on my face and neck and when he shifted ever so slightly, I could feel his chest brush mine, so I knew that he was standing very close to me. Afraid of the message that might send to the people in this town who knew him, I eased myself out of his hold. I didn't want to risk embarrassing him in any kind of way. I'd been out for a long time, so I had a lot of experience with different reactions to my sexuality. While I got a lot more support than hate, there was a
lways a kernel of fear within me whenever I was in a new environment. Not that I necessarily had a guy with me whenever I was somewhere new, but I wasn't foolish enough to risk Gideon's reputation.
"He's okay, Mrs. Larson," Gideon said. "Thank you."
Knowing that Gideon was within arm’s reach, I was able to calm down enough to hear what was happening around me. I heard the click-clack of heels on pavement as someone walked away, and behind me, I could hear some kind of fabric rustling. A flag, maybe?
"Lex, talk to me," Gideon said. His hand came out to rest on my arm again, but since I had no clue if we were being watched or not, I stepped out of his reach.
"I'm okay, sorry about that. I just got a little lost."
Gideon was silent for a moment, but thankfully it wasn't long before he said, "I'll take you home. You can tell me what you need, and I'll come back and get it."
I heard the truck door being opened. This time, when Gideon reached for my arm, I let him take it, but I didn't let him lead me toward the vehicle. Instead, I said, "Gideon, no, wait. I want to try this, if you don't mind. Even if I could only get a few things, I just need to know that this is something I can do someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but in the future."
The fingers on my arm tightened just a bit. I could sense Gideon's hesitation and I didn't blame him. I’d probably embarrassed him a great deal. "You know what, you're right," I began. "This was a bad idea. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'd like to take you up on your offer to get me a few things until Andre is able to get back here. I'll… I’ll make sure he stays in town so I have a ride in the future." I turned in what I hoped was the direction of the truck, but Gideon held fast and I was forced to stay where I was.
Foreseen: Lex (The Four Book 2) Page 12