“No, it’s not magic, it’s love. Don’t worry about how. Just know I’m here now, Lacey.” Nick drew her into his arms. “I’ve missed you so much.”
There was no mistaking it, this was really Nicholas. She knew his presence as surely as she knew her own home.
Nestled against his chest, all the fears and longings Lacey had been carrying around for two years seeped away into thin air.
“Oh, how I’ve longed for this,” she said.
“I know. I felt it too,” Nick said, gently stroking her hair. “I had to find a way to reach you.”
Lacey made herself pull away from his embrace. “I have so many questions. But I’m afraid.”
Nick cupped her face in his hand and tilted her chin up to him. Closing his eyes, he pressed a tender kiss to her lips, sending her senses spiraling. It had been so long since she’d felt so loved. Tears welled from her eyes and drifted down her cheeks.
“Don’t be afraid, Lacey,” Nick said, brushing away her tears. “And don’t cry, love. I’m never far away now. And I promise I’ll answer all your questions.”
Fear instantly ignited in her heart. “You’re leaving, aren’t you.”
“I have to go, but don’t worry, I’ll be back. Nothing can keep me from you, Lacey. Just believe that.”
In an instant, Nicholas was gone. Lacey stood in the hospital room, alone with the sounds of her sleeping son.
• • •
Sterling rolled over in bed, the rich aroma of coffee filling her head. She stretched lazily, opened her eyes, and gazed around Ben’s bedroom.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Ben said, sauntering into the room with the German Shepherd padding closely behind him.
The scent of Ben freshly showered wafted around her as he bent low and laid a kiss to her cheek. It was a scent that had always been heady medicine to her. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep so late,” Sterling said, glancing at the clock beside the bed.
“Seven-thirty. Yeah, that’s real late, you lazy thing,” he teased, standing in front of the dresser and adjusting his collar to fit his tie.
“I notice you’re dressed.” A hint of guilt plucked at her conscious. I should be dressed and ready for work, too, instead of lying here naked in Ben’s bed. Was it her imagination, or did he seem a little distant?
“You know me. I get restless if I stay in bed too long. Are you ready for coffee or would you like to shower first?”
“The coffee smells great. I’ll come out in the kitchen.” Sterling caught his look in her radar. What is he thinking?
“Okay, you know where my robe is, so help yourself. And take your time.” He walked out the door and headed to the kitchen without a backward glance.
Ben’s blue terrycloth robe snugged around her body, Sterling padded barefoot through the apartment and sat in the kitchen chair where he’d set a mug of coffee on the table. She nestled both hands around the cup and drew a mouthful. It tasted wonderful. He sure knew how to make a good cup of coffee. She slowly sipped it, all the while peering at Ben as he set breakfast in front of her.
“Western omelet and a slice of wheat toast,” he said, sitting down to his own plate across the table from her.
“You remembered how I like it,” she mused.
“Oh, you need a fork.”
Automatically, Sterling reached for the utensil drawer and pulled out forks for both of them.
“You remembered.” Ben’s eyes bored inside her.
Sterling shifted uncomfortably in her chair and glanced around the small kitchen. From the old silver toaster to the plain white cotton curtains at the window, the kitchen looked as she remembered it. “You haven’t changed things.”
“That’s true.” He took a gulp of coffee to wash down his eggs. “I haven’t really thought much about wallpaper patterns or curtains.”
The phone on the wall rang and Ben jumped up to get it. No question the department was on the other end. Sterling tuned out the words he spoke as all of her attention converged on the sight of him. The tilt of his head, the glossy darkness of his hair, the way he held his mouth in concentration.
Ben turned to look at her, unleashed a smile, and winked.
Sterling’s pulse jumped a dizzying degree. Ben seemed so profoundly alive. She’d missed that. It would be so easy to step back into his life. To hardly miss a beat. Like hitting pause on the remote, then turning the movie back on without affecting the story at all.
Ben hung up the phone and walked around the table, pulling Sterling to her feet. Placing his hands on her hips, he drew her to him and brushed her lips with his. The kiss felt sweet and coaxing. A nuzzle in her hair brought the sound of his breathing up close, wrapping around her thoughts and tugging at her heart. She remembered so many things. His zest for living. His boundless self-confidence. And how when they were together his careless disregard for safety had intrigued her and excited her as much as it had frightened her. He says he’s changed.
But his apartment told a different story. Newspapers piled in small heaps around the living room. Dishes stacked on the kitchen counter. Damp towels lying carelessly on the bathroom floor. All indications that the slightly tamed Ben Kirby retained much of his former self.
Uninvited sensations shimmered through her, set in motion by Ben’s insistent kisses to her neck. He looked down at her, one finger softly tracing the upward tilt of her nose.
Trembling, Sterling pulled back. “This is all too easy. I walked right back in as though nothing has changed.”
Ben released her, staring at her through hollow eyes, his jaw tight. “Things have changed. I told you, I’ve changed.”
Turning away, she took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know where you keep your things. I know this place as well as I know my own apartment. It would be so easy to go on from here.” Whirling to face him, Sterling tried to calm the fears threatening to choke her. “But nothing has changed. The reason I couldn’t be with you is still there. There is no happy ending for people like us.” Now she knew what had been in his eyes earlier. He’d already suspected she would come to her senses.
“What, you’re going to pretend last night never happened?”
“That’s right,” she said. “It shouldn’t have happened.”
“But it did. And it meant something, Sterling. At least it did to me.”
It scared her how much emotion raged inside her. She didn’t want to think about how close to the edge she felt, how vulnerable. This dance with Ben was something she could not do.
Ben shook his head. “You can’t spend your whole life shoring up against getting hurt.”
Speechless, Sterling tried harder to wall off her mind, her heart. Ben was too close. “Do you think you’ve figured out something? It’s an interesting theory, Ben, but it doesn’t hold water. You’ve made your choices in life and so have I. Mine just happen to be less life-threatening.”
“You don’t know the future, Sterling. Nothing is going to happen to me.” His voice sounded quiet, collected.
“Right!” she said. “You must have forgotten, I’ve heard that before, many times. I saw what my mother went through year after year, worrying if my father would come home for dinner. He told her not to worry. It didn’t mean anything.” Hot tears stung her eyes, but she willed them to stop.
“Sterling, tell me you don’t love me.”
Silence churned between them. How could she tell him that? But could she survive loving him? “You’re trying to change the subject. Love can come and it can go. And it can drive you nuts on a lonely night. Just ask Lacey.”
“Tell me you love me,” he demanded, slamming his fist against the table, his calmness evaporating. “If you loved me, we could deal with the job.”
“I know I thought I could deal with it. Heck, when we met, I was a cop too, just like
my dad.”
“Sterling — ”
“It really happens, Ben. Cops get killed. It happened to my mother and it happened to Lacey.” She heard her voice wobble, but she couldn’t stop the angry words. “You know that’s why I had to quit the police force. That’s why I had to break up with you. I don’t want to end up a cop’s widow. I don’t want to be the wreckage left behind.”
Ben shook his head and shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. “Sterling, I’ve changed. I don’t work undercover anymore. You know that. Things are different.”
“You can put on a suit and tie, Ben, but that doesn’t change the man you are. How long will you be content working investigations?”
“It’s been six months.” His brow furrowed.
“I used to warn you to drop your flamboyant ways or you’d end up in the morgue. You and that equally crazy partner of yours, what was his name? Jay Thomas. You always challenged the odds. That’s who you are. Like a fearless warrior — fearless and foolish. It scares me.” Sterling narrowed her eyes and stared at Ben, not quite understanding the sullen look coloring his face.
He turned his back to her, his strong shoulders drooping. “You don’t know, do you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jay is crippled.”
“What?” A rock the size of a baseball dropped into the pit of her stomach.
“You were right.” Ben turned tormented eyes to her. “We challenged the odds, and you used to say that someday we’d pay. Well, my partner did pay.”
“I didn’t know,” Sterling said, taking Ben’s hand in hers and holding it to her cheek. The weather in the room had suddenly shifted. She couldn’t help but move to console him. “When?”
“Six months ago,” he said, flatly. “We were following a lead for a big drug bust and happened on a domestic dispute. The guy was strung out and the thing went bad. Jay got shot. The bullet hit his knee. His life is never going to be the same. He works a desk job at the department now.”
“I’m so sorry, Ben,” she said, instantly certain of his self-recrimination. Another thing that never changed. “I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”
“You know nothing of the kind.” He spit out the words as though ridding his mouth of a foul taste.
The pain inside him pulsed so strong, Sterling sensed it took all Ben’s energy just to keep breathing in and out. Jay and Ben had been like brothers. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have been there for you.”
“Why would I? You made it clear you didn’t want to be part of my life.” His eyes hardened. “So that’s when I moved to investigations. I knew I didn’t have nine lives and I’d already used up several. I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s life, although it seems to be my thing in life, doesn’t it?”
She knew he wasn’t talking just about Jay. Sorrow and death had accompanied Ben from youth, just like it had her.
Running the back of his hand across her lips, Sterling closed her eyes and imagined she could will his pain away. “I’ve hurt you so much.” She hadn’t realized until just now that she’d inflicted such a deep, ragged wound.
“You don’t need to blame yourself. You had no idea. Besides, it’s my problem.”
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leaned against him, listening to the steady beat of his heart. Could she ever make up for hurting him so? Last night had been intoxicating — a dream. Today reality set in, warning her to get out quick. To put Ben and all the fearsome possibilities he brought with him in her review mirror. Now, faced with Ben’s bleeding heart, what could she, should she do? “Ben, I — ”
He put a finger to her lips. “Don’t say it. I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But I want you to be happy too, Sterling. Pity won’t cut it. If you can’t tell me you love me, well, it won’t work, will it?”
Sterling’s heart squeezed painfully, torn between the soft spot in her soul for Ben and the stubborn demand for self-survival driving her. Lowering her gaze to the floor, she stepped out of his arms.
A resigned scowl darkened his face. “So that’s the way it is.” Ben turned to the counter and grabbed a dishtowel. His mental and emotional shift was visible as he squared his shoulders. “Well, I better get these dishes cleaned up or I’ll be late for work.”
Silently, Sterling treaded back to the bedroom and searched for her clothes.
God help me to do the thing I need to do, she prayed. I keep hurting him, but I can’t believe being with him is right. It wouldn’t be anything more than a quick fix that would end up badly.
Buttoning up the last button of her blouse, Sterling stared into the bureau mirror. Put your head on straight. You have a case to solve.
The case. The work. That’s where things would fall into place and she could easily navigate her life without fear of the inevitable and insufferable pain. Working the case was in her blood just as surely as plasma and corpuscles. It was second nature. Something she could fall into wholeheartedly without having to think.
Or feel.
Quietly, Sterling patted Joe’s head and ruffled his ears before she let herself out of Ben’s apartment.
• • •
“How are we coming with that Witt murder?”
Ben’s sergeant’s question pierced his thoughts as he sat behind his desk at the police station. “I’m moving slowly. You know, the guy we like for doing it is pretty well known in certain circles of Laurelwood.”
“What’s his name? Jerry Rutherford? Yeah, of course he’s pretty known.” The sergeant’s gravelly voice spoke of too many years of too many cigarettes. “He’s a top dog at the Laurelwood County State Bank.”
“He and his wife seem to have kept pretty much to themselves, but he’s done his share of public relations, so the community knows him.”
“Why are we focusing on him?” The sergeant patted his pockets but came up empty. “You smoke? I could sure use a cigarette. Course, I’m trying to quit.”
Ben chuckled. How many times had he heard that? “We identified his fingerprints at the scene. According to a private investigator hired by the guy’s wife, he and the victim had been having an affair.”
“What’s the motive?”
“I’m still working on it.” Ben downed a swallow of his lukewarm coffee and frowned. He would be the first to admit that his concentration wasn’t on full. Well, at least not when it came to the investigation. Sterling was an entirely different matter.
“Keep at it.” Distracted, the sergeant moved to the next room to answer a call.
Sighing, Ben looked around the busy room. Officers moving in and out. Phones ringing. Everything seemed strictly business. No one could know that before Sgt. Rogard caught him, his thoughts had verged on the edge of indecent. Sterling had taken him over.
Last night had been the fulfillment of two years’ waking and sleeping dreams. Touching her, lying beside her, had felt like taking in much needed water for his thirsty soul.
Being near Sterling had reminded him how hard he’d worked at shoving his feelings deep enough to ignore. When she’d stepped into his life again, he quickly knew he’d been fooling himself. All the feelings had re-ignited with the lilt of her step and the flip of her luxurious locks.
Ben’s gut ached, remembering the sweetness of waking early in the morning and simply watching Sterling sleep. Listening to her soft breathing had nearly driven him nuts and he’d wrestled with the longing to pull her into his arms again.
When he’d held her at breakfast, he’d taken in and savored every bit of her — her silky skin, her sweet scent, her pure and vibrant essence. He’d wanted to believe things had changed and Sterling would stay in his life.
But they’d always thought alike. Damn it. He’d known her doubt. She’d looked up into his face wearing the same look she’d worn the day the
y parted. The powerful sadness glinting in Sterling’s beautiful blue-green eyes still knotted his stomach. The love he felt for her nearly ate him up. But it wasn’t enough. She had to love him the same way, holding no doubts.
“Kirby, do you hear me? There’s someone to see you.”
Startled, Ben brought his attention to the officer tapping his shoulder. It was Jay. “Sorry. Who is it?” he asked, rising.
“Mrs. Sara Rutherford.” Jay motioned to the woman standing across the room. “You okay, Ben?”
Jay’s question sounded interested, something Ben hadn’t heard from him in a while. “Sure. Just tired.”
“Have some more coffee, buddy. You look terrible,” Jay joked as he let the door to the room close behind him.
Things had been so different since the accident. In another time, Ben might have shared the truth with Jay. That the chasm between his dearest wishes of last night and reality of today was splitting him open. But he knew better than to reach out to his former partner now.
“Hello, Mrs. Rutherford.” Ben tossed off his turmoil and stepped in the woman’s direction. “Let’s go into the conference room. We can talk better there.”
The woman’s eyes were wide and tinged with fright. Ben led her into a private room and closed the door. “Have a seat,” he said, motioning to a chair at the table. “I want to thank you for coming down to the station to talk. I know this is probably all a little overwhelming.”
“That’s okay. When I got your call, I came right down. I don’t know what help I can be, though. I haven’t seen or spoken with my husband for three days.” Sara swallowed hard. “Jerry’s secretary said he called and told her he had to go on an unexpected business trip. He didn’t call me.”
“Is that normal? I mean, for your husband not to contact you?”
“Not really.”
“What about the business trip? Where did he go?” Ben had already spoken with Jerry’s secretary, but had gotten no real answers.
“His secretary said she thought he had a meeting in Chicago. But she seemed nearly as in the dark as me.”
Dancing with Detective Danger Page 7