“I don't know. I'm not so great at marriage, people… friends… except other pilots and the guys I work with.”
“You've always been great to us.” She smiled innocently up at him, and he marveled at how young seventeen was.
“That's different. You're my family. But I don't know… sometimes it's hard to relate to people who don't fly, it's hard to understand them, harder for them to understand me… particularly women.” He grinned. It didn't bother him. It was the way his life was, and he was satisfied with it. There were ground people, those confined to earth, in their bodies and minds… and then there were the others.
“What about Bobby?” he asked her unexpectedly. He knew about her boyfriend. He had seen him often enough at the house when he stopped by there to see Pat, or came to dinner. “How would he feel about you flying like you do? You're good, Cass. If you learn right, you could really do it.” But do what? That was the problem. What could a woman do, except maybe set records? “What would he say?” Nick persisted.
“What everyone else says. That I'm nuts.” Cassic laughed at him. “But I'm not married to him, you know. He's just a friend.”
“He won't be ‘just a friend’ forever. Sooner or later, he'll want to be a lot more, or at least that's what your father thinks.” It was what everyone thought and she knew it.
“Is that so?” She sounded cool suddenly and Nick laughed at how prim she was.
“Don't go getting all icy at me over it. You know what I'm saying. It's going to be odd if you want to be another Earhart. You're going to have to live with it. That's not always easy.” He knew that only too well. He knew a lot of things he suddenly wanted to share with her. The new dimension of their friendship both excited and frightened him. He couldn't imagine where it might lead them.
“Why is it such a big deal?” she said plaintively, thinking of Nick's questions about Bobby. It didn't make any sense to her. What was so wrong about flying?
“I guess it's a big deal because it's different,” Nick explained. “Men are made to walk around on the ground. If you want to fly around like a bird all the time, maybe they figure you should have feathers, or maybe they just figure you're weird. What do I know?” He smiled easily at her, and stretched his long legs out ahead of him. It was fun talking to her, she was so bright and young and alive, so excited about the life she had before her. He envied her that. Her life was filled with challenges to be met and fresh beginnings. Even at thirty-five, a lot of the excitement in his life seemed to be behind him.
“I think people are stupid about flying. They're just planes, and we're just people,” she said simply.
“No, we're not,” he said matter-of-factly. “We're superheroes in their heads because we do something they can't do, and that most of them are afraid of. We're like lion tamers, or high-wire dancers… it's all very mysterious and very exciting, isn't it?” He made her think about it for a minute and she nodded, and handed his Coke back to him again. He took a swig and lit a cigarette, but he didn't offer her one. She might be learning to fly, but she wasn't that grown-up yet.
“I guess it is kind of exciting and mysterious,” she conceded as she watched him smoke. “Maybe that's why I love it. But it feels so good too… it's so free… so alive… so…” She couldn't find the right words and he smiled. He knew just exactly what she meant. He still felt that way too. Every time his plane lifted off the ground, whichever one he was flying at the time, he always felt the same wild thrill of freedom. It made everything else seem bland and uninteresting. It had affected his whole life, what he did, who he saw, what he wanted to do. It had affected all his relationships, and one day it would affect hers too. He felt he should warn her somehow, but he wasn't sure what to say. She was so young and so filled with hope, it seemed almost wrong to warn her.
“It'll change your life, Cass.” was all he could bring himself to say. “Be careful of that.”
She nodded, thinking she understood what he had said, but she didn't. “I know”— and then she looked up at him, with eyes so wise it almost scared him—” but that's what I want. That's why I'm here. I can't live on the ground… like the others.” She was one of them, she was telling him, and he knew it was true. It was why he had agreed to teach her.
They spent a long time talking that day, and he hated to leave her there all alone, to walk two miles back down the country road to where she'd catch the bus to home, but he had no choice. He watched her go, with a long wave, and a moment later he took off, and did a slow roll for her, to signal his leaving. She watched him fly for a long time, still unable to believe what he had done for her. He had changed her whole life in a single afternoon, and they both knew it. It was a brave undertaking for both of them, but one which neither of them could resist, for different reasons.
The long hot walk back to the bus seemed like dancing to her; all she could think about were the feats she had done, and the feel of the plane… and the look in Nick's eyes afterward. He was proud of her. And she had never felt better in her life.
She boarded the bus with a huge grin for the bus driver, and almost forgot to pay her fifteen cents. And when she got home, it was too late to go to the airport. She went home to help her mother instead, and suddenly even helping her didn't seem so terrible. She had fed her soul, and whatever price she had to pay seemed worth it.
She was quiet at dinner that night, but no one seemed to notice it. Everyone had something to say; Chris was excited about his job at the newspaper, her father had landed a new mail contract with the government, and Colleen's baby had finally come the night before, and her mother wanted to tell them all about it. Only Cassie was unusually quiet and she had the biggest news of all, but couldn't share it.
Bobby came by after dinner, as usual, and they talked for a while, but Cassie didn't seem to have much to say to him. She was lost in her own thoughts, and the only thing she really said to him was that she could hardly wait till the air show. It would be just after the Fourth of July that year, and Bobby had never been, but he thought this time he might come, and Cassie could explain all the planes to him. But to her, the prospect of going with a novice and explaining it all didn't seem very exciting. She would much rather have gone with Nick, and listened to him. But it never dawned on her then that the changes had already begun. That afternoon, she had set sail on a long, long, interesting but lonely voyage.
5
The lessons continued through July, in total secrecy. But the air show, and Cassie's elation over it, was definitely not a secret. They all went to the air show together, her entire family, Nick, some of the pilots from the field, and Bobby and his younger sister. It was exciting for all of them, but nothing was as important to Cassie as her lessons with Nick, not even the Blandinsville Air Show. By the end of July she had mastered a very impressive dead stick landing. She had also learned barrel rolls, splits, and clover leafs, and some even more complicated maneuvers.
Cassie was every flying instructor's dream, a human sponge desperate to learn everything, with the hands and mind of an angel. She could fly almost anything, and in August, Nick started bringing the Bellanca instead of the Jenny, because it was harder to fly and he wanted her to have the challenge. It also had the speed he needed to show her the more complicated stunts and maneuvers. Fat still didn't suspect anything, and in spite of the long bus rides and the long walk, their flying lessons were frequent and easy.
In August, Cassie and Nick were both deeply upset when one of the pilots who flew for her father was killed when his engine failed on a flight back from Nebraska. They all went to the funeral, and Cassie was still depressed about it when she and Nick had their next lesson. Her father had lost a good friend, and one of his two D.H. 4s. And everyone was subdued at O'Malley's Airport.
“Don't ever forget that those things happen, Cass.” Nick reminded her quietly as they sat under their favorite tree, having lunch after a lesson on the last day of August. It had been a wonderful summer for her, and she had never felt as close to him
. He was her dearest friend, her only real friend now, and her mentor. “It can happen to any one of us. Bad engine, bad weather, bad luck… it's a chance we all take. You've got to face that.”
“I have,” she said sadly, thinking of the most wonderful summer of her life, which was almost over. “But I think I'd rather die that way than any other. Flying is all I want to do, Nick,” she said firmly, but he knew that by now. She didn't need to do anything to convince him. He was sold on her abilities, her natural skill, her extraordinary facility to learn, and her genuine passion for flying. He was sold on a lot of things about her.
“I know, Cass.” He looked at her long and hard. She was the only person he had been truly comfortable with in years, other than Fat and the men he flew with. She was the only woman who seemed to share his views and his dreams, it was just his bad luck that she was only a baby, and his best friend's little girl. There was no hope of her ever being more than that. But he enjoyed her company, and talking to her, and it had meant a lot to him to teach her how to fly. He had long since had her solo. “What do you want to do about lessons once you start school?” he asked as they finished lunch. She was going hack the following day for her last year of high school. It seemed hard to believe that she was already a senior. She had always been such a little girl to him, except that he had come to know her better than that now. In many ways, she was more adult than most of the men he knew, and she was very much a woman. But there was a child in there too. She loved to play pranks and to tease, she had an easy laugh, and she loved playing with him. In some ways, she was no different from the way she had been when she was a baby.
“What about Saturdays?” she asked pensively, “or Sundays?” It meant they would fly together less frequently, but at least it would be something. They had both come to rely on these long quiet hours together, her unwavering faith in him, her trust in all he told her, and his pleasure at teaching her the wonders of flying. It was a gift they shared, each one enhancing it for the other.
“I can do Saturdays,” he said matter-of-factly, and his tone didn't tell her that nothing could have stopped him from it. She was his star pupil now, but more than that, they were best friends, and partners in a much loved conspiracy that they both held dear. Neither of them could have given it up easily, nor did they intend to. “I don't know about you walking two miles to the bus once the weather gets bad though.” He worried about her walking two miles alone sometimes, though she would have been annoyed at his concern. She was an independent spirit and she was convinced she could handle anything. But the thought of her alone on a country road made him faintly nervous.
“Maybe Dad'll let me borrow his truck… or Bobby…” Nick nodded, but the thought of Bobby bothered him too, and he knew that it shouldn't. He had no right to object to any of her suitors, but Bobby just didn't seem right for her. He was so dull, and so damn landlocked.
“Yeah. Maybe so,” he said noncommittally, reminding himself that he was twice her age, and Bobby wasn't.
“I'll work it out.” She smiled at him without a care in the world, and it was hard not to be dazzled by her beauty.
They both wondered sometimes how they could go on like this, meeting at the deserted airstrip for lessons. It had certainly worked so far, but they both knew it would be more difficult through the winter. If nothing else, the weather would be an enormous problem.
But surprisingly, it worked remarkably well, and they met regularly every Saturday. She told her father that she had a friend from school she was meeting to do her homework with, and he let her have the truck every Saturday afternoon. No one seemed to mind, and she always came back on time, with her arms full of books and notebooks, and in high spirits.
Her flying skill had improved still further by then and Nick was justifiably proud of her. He said repeatedly that he would have given anything to put her in an air show. Chris was already preparing for the next one, and he was precise and reliable, but unexciting, and he had none of the instinctive, natural skills of his sister. They both knew that if Pat hadn't been pushing him, Chris would never fly at all. He had admitted to Nick more than once that he didn't really like it.
Cassie and Nick sat and ate their lunch in the truck once the weather got cold, and sometimes if the weather was bright, they went for walks near the airstrip.
In September, they talked about Louise Thaden being the first woman to enter the Bendix Trophy race, and in October about Jean Batten becoming the first woman to fly from England to New Zealand. They talked about a lot of things. They sat on fallen trees and talked for hours sometimes, and as the months wore on, they only got closer. They seemed to agree about everything, although she thought he was too conservative politically, and he thought she was too young to go out with boys and he said so. She made fun of him, and he cherished her irreverence, and she told him that the last girl she had seen him with was the ugliest woman she had ever seen, and he told her that Bobby Strong was clearly the dullest. If he was a little more than serious, Cassie never knew it. They just loved to fly and talk, and share their views of life. Everything seemed so much in synch, their interests, their worries, their shared passion for all things that flew, even their almost identical sense of humor. It was always bittersweet when they left each other late on Saturday afternoon, because they knew they'd have to wait a week before they could meet again like this. And sometimes, he couldn't be there at all if he had a long cargo flight and couldn't get back in time. But that was rare, he had come to organize his flying schedule around their lessons.
On Thanksgiving, he joined her family, as he always did, and Cassie teased him without mercy. They always laughed at each other a lot, but their exchanges seemed a little sharper and more intimate than they had before their lessons. Pat told them they were an uncivilized pair, but Oona wondered if she was noticing something different. It seemed hard to believe after all these years, but they seemed closer than they'd ever been, and when Oona mentioned it to Colleen, she only laughed and said Cassie was just having fun. Nick was like her big brother. But Oona wasn't wrong. The time they had spent, and the things Cassie had learned, and their endless talks under the tree at the airstrip for the past six months, had inevitably brought them closer together.
Nick was lying on the couch, claiming that he was going to die from eating so much good food, and Cassie was sitting next to him, teasing him and reminding him that gluttony was a sin and he should go to confession. She knew how he hated to go to church, and he was pretending to ignore her, but smiling appreciatively at her, when Bobby appeared in the doorway, and came in brushing the first snow from his hat and shoulders. He was a tall, handsome boy, and just watching him, Nick felt a thousand years older.
“It's bitter cold out there,” Bobby complained, and then smiled warmly at everyone, though cautiously at Nick. There was something about him that made Bobby uncomfortable, though he wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was just that he was always so familiar with Cassie. “Did everyone have enough to eat?” he asked the room at large, proud of the fact that he had sent them a twenty-five-pound turkey. And everyone groaned in answer. They had invited him to come to dinner too, but he had wanted to be with his parents and sister.
He invited Cassie to go out for a walk, but she declined, and stayed to listen to her mother play the piano. Glynnis sang, and Megan and her husband joined in. Megan had just told them all that she was having another baby. Cassie was happy for her, but it was the kind of news that always made her feel alien and different. She just couldn't imagine herself getting married and having babies. Not for light-years anyway. It wasn't what she wanted to do with her life for a long time, if ever. But then what would she do with her life, she wondered. She knew she'd never be Amelia Earhart either, or Bobbi Trout or Amy Mollison. They were stars, and she knew she never would be. There seemed to be no middle ground out there. You either did what her sisters did, married right out of school, had kids, and settled down in a dreary life, or you ran away and became some kind of superstar. But
there was no money for her to buy planes, or enter races and set records. Even if her father had been sympathetic to her cause, his planes were old and serviceable, but certainly not what you'd use to become world-famous.
More than usual lately, she had talked to Nick about what she was going to do with her life. In six months, she would finish school. And then what? They both knew there was no job waiting for her at the airport, and there never would be. She had talked to one of her teachers too, and she was coming closer to knowing what she wanted. If she couldn't fly professionally, and for the moment, she couldn't see how that was even remotely possible, at least she could go to college. She was thinking of becoming a teacher and much to her delight, she had learned that several teachers' colleges offered both engineering and aeronautics. In particular, Bradley College in Peoria. She was hoping to apply for the fall, and if she could get a scholarship, which her teachers thought was possible, she would major in engineering, with a minor in aeronautics. It was as close to flying as she could get for the moment. If she couldn't fly an airplane for a living, like a man, she could at least teach all about them. She hadn't told her parents yet about her plan but to her it seemed like a good one. Only Nick knew, but her secrets were always safe with him. He glanced at her warmly as he stood up to leave that night, with a disparaging look at Bobby, who was talking about his mother's prizewinning pumpkin pie. Somehow, Bobby Strong never failed to annoy him.
Nick kissed Cassie on the cheek, and left, and Bobby relaxed considerably once Nick was gone. The older man always made him nervous. But Cassie seemed distracted once Nick was gone. She looked like she had a lot on her mind, and she brushed Bobby off when he started to talk about graduation. She hated talking about it now. Everyone else had concrete plans, and she didn't. All she had were hopes and dreams, and secrets.
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