“I'm careful.”
“We all are. Sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you just have to be lucky.”
“Be lucky… please…” she whispered to him, and he looked at her for a long time, and then without a word, he did what he had wanted to for so long, and never dared. What he had never let himself do, and thought he never would. But now he knew he had to. He couldn't leave without letting her know how much he loved her. He leaned down ever so gently, and kissed her. And she kissed him back as she had kissed no man before him. There had been no man… only a boy… and now, Nick, the man she had loved since she was old enough to remember.
“I love you,” he whispered into her hair, breathlessly, wishing there could be more, but he knew there couldn't. “I always have… I always will… I want to give you so much, Cass… but I have nothing to give you…”
“How can you say that?” He broke her heart with his words. “I've been in love with you since I was five… I've always loved you. That's all we need. I don't want anything else.”
“You should have lots more than that… you should have a house and kids… you should have a lot of things, like all the things they've given you in California. But they should come from your husband.”
“My parents never had fancy things, but they didn't care. They had each other, and they built my father's business from a pile of dirt. I don't care if we start with nothing.”
“I couldn't let you do that, Cass. And your father would kill me. I'm eighteen years older than you are.”
“So what?” She was unimpressed, all she could think of now was the fact that he loved her. And she didn't want to lose him. Not after all they'd been through.
“I'm an old man,” he tried to object unconvincingly, “compared to you at least. You should marry someone your age and have a mob of kids like your parents.”
“I'd probably go crazy if I did. And I don't want a mob of kids. I never did. Just one or two kids would be fine.” With Nick, even the prospect of children wasn't as daunting as she had once thought it.
He smiled down at her tenderly as he listened to her, trying to talk him into something impossible. He was going to war, and she had a contract to fly planes in California. But he had to admit, he liked the sound of what she was saying. Maybe someday though he doubted it. He'd never be that lucky or that foolish. She deserved so much more than he could ever give her. “I'd love to give you kids, Cassie… I'd love to give you everything I have to give. But I'm never going to have anything but a bunch of old planes, and a shack at the end of your father's airport.”
“He'd give you half of everything, and you know it. You've earned it. You built the business with him. You know he's always wanted you to be his partner.”
“It's funny, I was so young when I started out that I never wanted to be more than a hired hand, and now I'm sorry. Maybe you're doing the right thing with that crazy job of yours, Cass. Make a bunch of money, save it up, and come back where you belong with something to show for it. I don't have zip, and I never cared… until you grew up, and I realized everything I didn't have to give you. That and the fact that I'm almost twice your age, and your father would probably kill me for this.”
“I doubt it,” Cassie said wisely. She was smarter than he was about her father. “I've always thought he wouldn't be surprised. I think he'd rather I was happy than married to the wrong man and miserable.”
“You should be married to a man like Desmond Williams,” he said unhappily and she laughed at him. He hated the thought of it, but Williams had so much to give her.
“And you should be married to the Queen of England. Don't be stupid, Nick. Who cares?” She smiled at him, but he was unconvinced.
“You'll care, when you're older. You're just a kid. You think your sisters are so happy being poor, or your mother?”
“My mother never complains about anything, and I think she is happy. And maybe if my sisters stopped having babies every year they wouldn't be quite as poor.” Cassie had always thought they had too many children. One or two seemed sensible to her. But Glynnis was expecting her sixth, and Colleen and Megan their fifth, respectively. To Cassie it had always seemed excessive and a little scary.
He kissed her again then, thinking of the babies he would have liked to have with her, and never would. He would never allow himself the self-indulgence or the selfishness of marrying Cassie. No matter how much he loved her, or maybe because he did. She deserved so much better.
“I love you, Nick Galvin. I'm not going to run away. Or let you run away from me. I'll come over and find you, if I have to.” And she would too. He knew it.
“Don't you dare. I'll have you kicked right out of England if I have to. And don't you dare let Williams talk you into some goddamn world tour. I just smell that's what he has in mind for later. Just like Earhart. But with the war in Europe now, you won't be safe anywhere, not in the Pacific, and not in Europe. Stay home, Cass. Promise me…” He looked desperately worried and she nodded.
“You too,” she said softly, and then kissed him, and he had to control himself as he felt her passion meeting his own. He lay on the ground next to her, holding her, wishing he could have her forever. “When are you going?” she finally asked him hoarsely, as he lay next to her and held her.
He hesitated for a long time and then he answered. “In four days.”
“Does Dad know?” She knew it would be hard on her father, and she was sorry now that she wouldn't be there to help him.
“He does. Billy said he'd take care of things. He's a good kid and a tremendous pilot. I think he just needed to get away from his father. Old flying aces sometimes make life difficult for their kids, but I guess you wouldn't know about that, would you?” She smiled, thinking of how impossible her father had been, but lately he seemed to have mellowed.
She sat up and looked down at Nick then, wanting to know where things stood between them. “What does all this mean, Nick? We find out we love each other, and now you go? Now what? Now what am I supposed to do without you?”
“Same thing you did before,” he said firmly; “go out and smile pretty for the cameras.”
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. Nothing's changed. You're free. And I'm going to England.”
“Bullshit.” She raged at him. “That's it? I love you, you love me, and nothing, so long, good-bye, I'm going to war, have a nice life, and see you when I get back. Maybe.”
“You got it.” He looked suddenly hardened, but he had made up his mind a long time ago, and he was not going to change it. For her sake.
“And then what? You come home, and if we're lucky we find each other again and start over?”
“Nope,” he said sadly. “If you're lucky, we find each other again, and you introduce me to your husband and kids, if I'm gone that long, and if I'm not, then you just introduce me to your husband.”
“What are you? Crazy, or sick?” She looked outraged as she stared at him, suddenly wanting to hit him. What kind of game was this? But this was no game to him. Nick Galvin had promised himself years before that he wasn't going to let himself ruin Cassie's life just because he loved her.
“Haven't you been listening to me?” He was shouting at her in their secret place, but there was no one to hear them. They were safe here. “I have nothing to give you, Cass. That's not going to change while I'm gone, and it's not likely to improve when I get back, unless I rob a bank or hit it lucky in Las Vegas. You're a lot likelier to make some money than I am.”
“Then go work for Desmond Williams,” she said angrily. How could he be so stupid!
“My legs aren't good enough. Look, you're a commodity to him. You're a genius in the air, and look good. You're a dolly who can fly; you're gold in the bank for him, Cass. I'm just another flyboy.”
“Why is that my fault?” she said angrily. “Why are you taking it out on me? What did I do, aside from get lucky?” She was crying now, and shaking with rage and frustration. Why were men so unfair s
ometimes? It was exhausting being a woman.
“You didn't do anything. The trouble is neither did I for the last twenty years, except fly a bunch of old planes and hang out with your father. I had a good time, we did some good things, the best of which was teach you how to fly, or teach you not to crash may be more like it, you taught yourself to fly. But that's not enough, Cass. I'm not going to marry you with nothing in the bank and empty pockets.”
“You're a jerk!” She shouted at him through her tears. “You own three planes, and you built my father a goddamn airport.”
“I may never come back, Cass,” he said quietly. That was part of it too. He was not leaving her hanging there, waiting for him. It wasn't fair, not at her age. “That's a fact. I may be gone for five years. I may be gone forever. You gonna wait for that? With the life you have now, and the opportunities, that's what you want? To wait for a guy twice your age, who may leave you a penniless widow before you start? Forget it. This is my life, Cass. This is what I've made of it. This is what I want. I want to fly. No strings. No promises. That's it… forget it…”
“How can you say that?” she raged at him, but he looked at her very calmly.
“Easy. Because I love you so damn much. I want you to go out there and hit the jackpot. I want you to get everything you can get, fly everything you can lay your hands on, as long as you're safe, and I want you to be happy forever. I don't want to worry about your doing that, when I'm flying my tail off after some Kraut over the English Channel.”
“You're incredibly selfish,” she said angrily.
“So are most people, Cass,” he said honestly, “especially fliers. If they weren't, they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't scare the hell out of the people they love, risking their lives every day, and killing themselves right under their loved ones’ noses at air shows. Think of that. Think of what we do to the people we love.”
“I have. A lot. But you and I both know that, that's an advantage right there. We're even.”
“No we're not. “You're twenty years old, for chrissake. You have a whole life ahead of you, and a great one. But I don't want you waiting for me. If I get back, and I win the Irish sweepstakes while I'm there, I'll call you.”
“I hate you,” she stormed, unable to move him or change his mind. Nick was as stubborn as she was.
“I figured that. I especially figured that when I kissed you.” He kissed her again then, and all her fury and her rage and her sorrow exploded through her in a wave of passion that he felt with equal flame. He would have wanted to change a lot of things, but he knew he couldn't. He wanted to hold her and make love to her till they both died of pleasure. But he forced himself to let go of her before it was too late to stop. And for both of them, that moment was coming closer.
“Will you write to me?” she asked breathlessly, a little while later.
“If I can. But don't count on it. Don't worry if you don't hear from me. That's just what I don't want. I don't want you waiting for me. It's the shortest love story in the world. I love you. The End. That's it. I probably should never have told you.”
“Then why did you?” she asked unhappily.
“Because I'm a selfish sonofabitch and I couldn't stand not saying it anymore. I had to fight myself not to say it each time we came here. And it almost killed me when I left you in California. I've needed to tell you for a long time. But it doesn't change anything, Cass. It's nice to know. Maybe for both of us. But I'm still going.”
They went round and round about it for a long time, but she couldn't convince him not to go. And eventually, they flew back to the airport after kissing each other for a long time and nearly tearing each other's clothes off.
It was a long, sad weekend for her, and she spent a lot of time with him. And on Sunday afternoon when she left, it tore her apart as nothing before in her life had. Her father had sensed what was happening and he had talked to her before she left, but it hadn't really helped her. It made her feel closer to him, but it didn't change what was happening with Nick. She was in love with him, and he with her, and he was telling her to forget it. She didn't tell her father that in so many words, but he understood it.
“It's the way he is, Cass. He has to be free to do what he believes in.”
“It's not our fight”
“But he wants it to be his, and he's good at it. He's a good man, Cassie.”
“I know that.” And then she looked unhappily up at her father. “He thinks he's too old for me.”
“He is. I used to worry about him falling for you,” Pat admitted, “but I think he'd do you a lot of good too. But you can't convince a man of that. He has to find it out for himself.”
“He thinks you'd be angry at him.”
“He knows that's not the truth… nor the problem… the problem is in his mind, what he believes, what he wants for you. You won't find the answers now, Cass. If you're lucky, he'll come back, and you can both work it out later.”
“And if he doesn't?” she asked sadly.
“Then you've been loved by a fine man, and you've been lucky to know him.” She clung to her father then, finding the lessons to be learned to be almost beyond bearing.
She said good-bye to her family at the house, and Nick drove her out to the airfield. He helped her untie her plane, and do all her ground checks, admiring the extraordinary machine she had brought with her, but as she revved her engines, he pulled her close to him and just held her.
“Take care of yourself…” she said, in anguish. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Now be a good girl, and do some good flying. I can see now why they keep a chaperone with you,” he teased, to help lighten the moment. They had come very close to losing their heads more than once over the weekend.
“Write to me… let me know where you are…” she said, as tears ran down her cheeks like rivers.
He pointed to the sky with a sad smile. His eyes told her everything she needed to know, and he could no longer say to her. He was leaving her, and if he came back, who knew what the future held. There were no promises, no sure things. There was only now. And right now, at this very moment, he loved her as he had never loved anyone and never would again.
“Take it easy, Cass,” he said softly, as he stepped away from her. “Keep it high.” He was smiling, but there were tears in his eyes too. “I love you,” he mouthed, and then left the plane. She looked at him for a long painful moment, and her eyes were so full of tears she could hardly see as she taxied down the runway. It was the only time in her entire life when there was no thrill as she left the ground, and she slowly dipped her wings to him, and then headed west, as he watched her.
13
The first weeks after Nick was gone were difficult for Cass. Her mind was constantly on him, but she had to force herself to concentrate on other things when she was flying. She seemed to fly all the time, from morning till night, and in the month of September she set two more records in the Phaeton. By October, Poland had fallen completely into German hands. And Cassie knew that Nick was at Hornchurch Aerodrome, and assigned to a unit of fighter pilots as an instructor. He was training young pilots to do what he had done in the last war, and for the moment he wasn't flying missions himself. Her father claimed that his age might keep him out of it, but with his extraordinary reputation, he thought it unlikely. But at least for the moment, he was safe. He hadn't written to her, but he had gotten word to her father through another pilot, which was something.
Her life in Los Angeles was as hectic as usual, and the photographers and social events seemed to be thicker than ever. But Desmond kept insisting on the importance of it, and he took her to lunch from time to time, to discuss his planes and her observations of them, which always astounded him, but also to encourage her about the importance of public relations. Their conversations were almost always about his planes, and he was always very businesslike with her. There was a mutual respect there too, and at times he seemed a little more friendly. But the only thing that ever really inter
ested him was his business. And for someone who had such a strong interest in publicity, she was surprised that she so seldom saw anything personal about him in the papers.
He continued to be very generous with her, giving her a large bonus each time she set a record. And he encouraged her to fly all his planes. On Thanksgiving she went home in a Williams P-6 Storm Petrel; she was sleek and painted black and the sheer beauty of her totally amazed her father. She took him up in it, and offered Chris a ride too, but he said he was too busy. He had a new girlfriend in Walnut Grove, and he didn't want to waste any time at the airport. But Billy was more than eager to go with her. He had heard from Nick. It seemed as though everyone had, except Cassie. It was almost as though he were proving a point. But she had long since understood the message. It was just as he had said it would be in spite of all her pleas and protests. “I love you. So long. End of Story.” And there was nothing she could do about it now, if ever. She talked to Billy about it late one night, and he told her Nick was the greatest guy he'd ever known, but the epitome of a loner.
“I think he's crazy about you, Cass. I saw it the first time I met you. I figured you knew it too, and I was surprised you didn't. But he's scared, I guess. He's not used to taking anyone with him. And he figured maybe he wouldn't come back this time. He didn't want to do that to you.”
“Great. So he tells me he loves me, and then dumps me.”
“He figures you should marry some hotshot in L.A. He said so.”
“Nice of him to decide that,” she complained, but there was nothing she could do. Talking to Billy helped. He was like another brother, except one who liked to fly as much as she did. He was planning to come out and see her in LA sometime before Christmas.
And when she left again, she promised to come home for the Christmas holidays. Until then, she had a lot to do. Williams was introducing two new planes, and she was an important part of those introductions. She was going to be doing test flights, and interviews, and posing for photographs. But she figured that by Christmas the worst of it would be all over. Desmond had already agreed to give her a week off between Christmas and New Year's.
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